The 6 Most Badass Murder Weapons in the Animal Kingdom

What's the most badass thing you've ever seen a man do? Crack a cinder block with his fist? Catch a crossbow bolt with his bare hands? Chew bubble gum with his ass cheeks? Well take that shit and multiply it by about a thousand, and you'll have the kind of things that other species do in their everyday routine. We're talking about creatures like the...

#6.
The Mantis Shrimp's Fists of Death

The mantis shrimp lays claim to owning the fastest and tastiest arms of the water bound kingdom. If Chuck Norris lived under water, he would drown and die. And a mantis shrimp would punch a hole in his carcass.


Those tiny boxing gloves aren't for gardening.

The speed of the mantis shrimp's punch is delivered at some 50 mph. Keep in mind the shrimp is doing this in water. If you've ever stupidly wrestled with friends at the beach, you realize how your devastating roundhouse winds up moving in slow motion as you slosh through the surf. Think how strong you'd have to be to punch through the water as fast as a moving vehicle.

Wait, What?

The mantis shrimp's power comes from the two club-like arms it keeps behind its head. It locks those arms in place allowing energy to build up in the muscles. For an added "fuck you" there's an organic spring mechanism in the joint that adds extra force.


So when the local shrimp from Cobra Kai start shit, the mantis shrimp unleashes the force of the muscle which, when combined with the added oomph from the uncoiling spring, means the weapon is released at an acceleration which can reach 10,000 times the force of gravity. That's kind of like being punched by Mike Tyson in his prime, if his outstretched arm was attached to a meteor as it entered the atmosphere.


How Badass is That?

In captivity, the shrimp have been known to punch through aquarium glass, totally fucking up people's rugs. In fact, the punch of the mantis shrimp is so fast, it actually lowers the pressure of the water in its path which--conveniently for a badass sea-ninja who fancies some pre-cooked crab--boils the water around the punch. Steven Seagal's probably only done that once or twice at best.

#5.
The Trap-Jaw Ant's... Trap Jaw

The trap-jaw ant is the proud owner of the fastest moving predatory appendage in the animal kingdom. Can you guess what it is? Here's a hint: It's called the fucking trap-jaw ant.


The smaller insect will soon regret taking a closer look at the ant's sweet handlebar mustache.

Wait, What?

The trap-jaw ant has two mandibles attached to the front of its head which are held open at 180 degrees, making it look a bit like a surprised Southern gentleman. If the fine hairs lining the mandibles are touched, the mechanism is triggered and the jaws close at speeds of up to 140 mph. That's 2,300 times quicker than you can blink your freaking eye.

How Badass is That?

The speed of their jaw is useful for catching food and also facilitates one of the most incredible evasive maneuvers, or party tricks, in nature. In a tight spot the ant can bite at the ground and use it to jump incredible distances, the human equivalent of which would be the ability to snap into a Slim Jim with such ferocity it rocketed you over a four-story building.


#4.
The Giant Amazonian Centipede's Ninja Skills

Any time "giant" and "centipede" end up in the same sentence, if you're not talking about Atari games, it's probably a bad scene. And at over a foot long, the extremely venomous giant amazonian centipede certainly qualifies.


Like any centipede this one is earth bound. But rather than sticking to an easily attainable centipede diet of insects and the occasional cast member from the film Willow, this species has instead refined the art of catching bats in flight. Yes you read right: it catches fucking bats in flight. Shit.


Wait, What?

By climbing the walls of bat-caves, the centipede is capable of suspending its body from an overhang and holding itself there, waiting for its unsuspecting prey to pass by. From this seemingly prone position, they've been seen snatching bats nearly twice their own size. To fully appreciate how awesome that is, look at the next fat dude who passes you at CostCo. Imagine trying to hang from your feet and catch him. Now imagine he's flying and you have to hold him for two hours until you're done eating him.

How Badass is That?

The giant amazonian centipede has 42 murderous legs, but it only uses ten of these to keep hold while it dangles, catches and eats. So to further enhance the captive flying fat guy scenario, imagine doing the whole thing while hanging from the ceiling with only two toes.