7 Terrifying Giant Versions of Disgusting Critters

Puppies, kittens, infants: All adorable. And do you know why? Because they're tiny. If you start to magnify these things, then you wind up with the substantially less cute wolves, jaguars and teenagers.

Yes, if there's one thing nature teaches us, it's that what may start out as an adorable little animal friend can quickly turn into a Lovecraftian horror when its itty-bitty wittle mouth gets big enough to start eating your face. And when the little versions are already a little bit creepy, the big versions are the stuff nightmares are made of:

Snails are like minuscule old-timey hobos; the charming kind you see in silent movies with little red bags on sticks--not the kind that pee in your hand when you fall asleep on the subway. They carry their homes on their backs, pose no threat to anybody and generally stay out of sight from polite society.

Occasionally, you might see one that's an inch or more and think, "Christ, that thing is fucking huge!" But, as we told your mom when she exclaimed that very same thing last night: "You ain't seen nothin' yet."

The Horror, Oh God the Horror:

The Giant African Land Snail is one of the rare things that both science and religion can agree should not exist: They can be up to 14-inches long, are simultaneously male and female and can survive up to three years sealed in their shell. And, as you can see from the above picture, they are aggressively not cute.

While tiny humans lose their cuteness gradually after reaching puberty, it's actually quite easy to identify the precise moment a snail stops being cute: When its sickly green snail labia drape over your outstretched fingers like the genitals of an old whore stationed too long outside an army base.

Holy Shit! Is it Dangerous?

Yes, sort of. They're highly invasive and can utterly destroy a local ecosystem. In fact, they were introduced on purpose to several islands in Indonesia during WWII in an attempt to cheaply produce food for U.S. troops. This ingenious plan ultimately failed when U.S. troops, after suffering the countless hardships of war, were less than eager to go down on a snail the size of their face for dinner.

Big eyes, tiny legs and a funny walk: Crabs are nature's adorable cartoon character, scuttling awkwardly across our beaches, hilariously clambering for freedom from our chefs and occasionally composing catchy songs for our oddly arousing mermaids.

We even keep hermit crabs as disposable pets to teach our children that life is fleeting, and that it is OK to paint smiley faces on animals as long as they're smaller than you.

The Horror, Oh God the Horror:

From left to right, those monstrosities are a coconut crab, a Tasmanian giant crab and the Japanese spider crab. The Tasmanian one is the runt of the litter, being only a foot and a half across the carapace, while the Japanese spider crab can be on average 13-feet across with the legs spread out! Shit!

The coconut crab is the only land living one of the bunch, and there are reports of them reaching up to six-feet long and weighing over 30 pounds. So it's probably not singing any songs about how great it is under the sea, not that you'd be able to hear anything over the sound of your shrieking vocal chords.

Holy Shit! Is it Dangerous?

OK, none of those three crabs are typically a threat to people, but we assume that's only because of their lack of organization. The coconut crab, for example, is so named because it uses its claws to tear open fucking coconuts. Coconuts! Those are nature's cannonballs!

By the way, if seized by a Coconut Crab, experts suggest that "gentle titillation of the under soft parts of the body with any light material will cause the crab to lose its hold." That's right: The best way to get this enormous, amphibious, cannonball-eating tank-spider to release its death grip is to tickle its junk with a feather.

We doubt that's even an automatic reflex, the crab probably just thinks it's funny to watch you demean yourself for its amusement.

Your average earthworm is about as threatening as cooked spaghetti, and they basically only exist as either bait or the official courting gift of eight-year-old boys who don't know how to like girls yet. They eat dirt and dead leaves, and are basically little more than slimy rice noodles that shit mud.

The Horror, Oh God the Horror:

The biggest earthworm on well... Earth, is the Giant South African earthworm, pictured above, which can reach over 20-feet in length. And their campaign of weirdness doesn't stop with looking like monsters from a 50s sci-fi movie.

Or, in the case of the ones from Ecuador, like props from another, less SFW film genre.

The Giant Gippsland Worm (following the South African Earthworm at a monstrous 10 feet in length) can be heard gurgling as it burrows through the ground. And Terriswalkeris Terraereginae, also from Australia and measuring a meager three-feet in length, is bright blue and glows in the fucking dark:

And, because New Zealand is close enough to Australia to absorb horror by proxy, New Zealanders have upped the bizarre threshold even further with the North Auckland Worm, a four and a half foot-long monster that glows so brightly, you can read by wormlight.

Holy Shit! Is it Dangerous?

Well no, they can't harm you physically, but try telling that to your therapist when you innocently fall asleep in a South African meadow and wake to find yourself coiled in a two-story length of slithering, segmented penis rope.

Pill bugs, potato bugs, rollie pollies; whatever you call them, you have to admit that, for insects, they're pretty damn cute. Look at it. Isn't that adorable? It's like a little Extra Strength Tylenol that's trying to cuddle with itself. Awww...

The Horror, Oh God the Horror:

... wwwwWOH CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

The Giant Marine Isopod, like pretty much everything else we wish we didn't know about, comes to us from the deep sea. They're usually scavengers, but do sometimes hunt slow moving creatures and much like horrible, alien, insectile guinea pigs, they're known to eat so much in one meal that they become bloated and unable to move.

Holy Shit! Is it Dangerous?

They're not going to be a threat unless you're already immobile and trapped on the floor of the deep sea (like say, from a cramp-inducing jellyfish sting) but if that is the case, they'll likely swarm over your motionless body and feast on your soon-to-be corpse until they're bursting at the seams.

There's no record of anything like that ever happening, of course, but then again, there's no record of it not happening, and looking at this thing's smug horrible "face," we're ready to assume the worst.