7 Classic Star Wars Characters Who Totally Dropped the Ball
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Here at Cracked we don't hesitate to hold our leaders accountable for bad decisions. Even if those leaders are childhood heroes. And are entirely fictional. For instance, such decisions abound in the original Star Wars trilogy, to the point that the entire plot is basically driven by people using the worst judgment possible. How else can you explain... #7.
Admiral Motti Insults Darth Vader
In Episode IV, Admiral Motti, riding high on the whole "Death Star" thing, finally decides he's going to tell Vader off just like he practiced over the phone with his mother. After bragging that he's not scared of Vader, he tells him that his "sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the rebels' hidden fortress...[Choking sounds]." Clearly Motti doesn't realize that he was only named for the sake of the action figure packaging and will not be returning for any of the sequels.
Even though Darth Vader is a seven-foot-tall bionic killing machine with a sword that can cut through anything, making a personal attack against the man's religion is totally uncalled for. Any manager, be it of the Galactic Empire or Dunkin Donuts, is probably going to fire you if you interrupt a board meeting to call him the equivalent of "a fucking Jew." Even if you were partially responsible for an incredible new product with limitless planet-destroying potential.
Of course Darth Vader, being that seven-foot-tall bionic killing machine, has a definition of "fire" that is more in line with the common definition of "strangle to death". If Grand Moff Tarkin hadn't told Vader to stop, he probably would've thrown Motti out the goddamn window like Patrick Swayze in Road House. As it stands, we're pretty sure the Admiral had been promoted to cleaning toilets on the detention level by the time Luke blows the place up at the end. The point of the scene seems to be that somehow Motti didn't know Vader had magic telekinetic strangling abilities. But even so, and even if an Imperial officer like Motti somehow also missed the memo on what not to say to a Dark Lord of the Sith, that still means that he thought Vader only had about 37 different ways to instantly kill him instead of 38 (most involving a lightsaber neatly carving through his groin). What we're saying is that Motti was hired not for his tactical acumen but purely for his ability to sneer.
#6.
Everything Jabba the Hutt Does
For an intergalactic gangster, Jabba the Hutt seems to be about as much of a criminal mastermind as Robin Williams in Jack. He holds a Rebel officer prisoner, enslaves the Rebel princess and laughs in the face of a Jedi Knight. This would be a sterling approach if Jabba were trying to go to war with the Rebellion, but seeing as how he's just a sleazy racketeer whose entire operation amounts to little more than a hotel/casino on Tatooine, he probably could've used a few more advisors.
First of all, Jabba holds two high-profile prisoners but never demands a ransom of any kind, and in fact refuses money when it is offered to him. Unless he funds his operation with bounced checks and jellybeans, this is counterproductive. Keeping the prisoners brings the Jedi heat to his palace, which in turn leads to the worst decision Jabba makes in the film: refusing Luke's offer.
Luke tells Jabba up front that if the prisoners aren't released, he will kill everything that moves and take them anyway. A Rancor and a porcine guard later, this offer is generously repeated, at a point where it is now clear that Luke is not just some dumbass in a stolen Jedi robe. But again, Jabba opts for the prideful route, which makes us wonder how he ever managed to succeed in organized crime in the first place. About seven minutes later, every member of Jabba's operation has either been exploded, stabbed, shot, strangled or tossed into a giant sand vagina. Clearly he was never meant to manage a Domino's Pizza let alone hold the reigns of an underworld empire. #5.
Lando Uncuffs a Seven-Foot Wookiee Who Wants to Kill Him
After Vader reveals he is turning Han over to Boba Fett and will be taking Leia and Chewie with him, Lando sets about freeing them to try and intercept the bounty hunter before he loads Han onto Slave 1. However, he neglects to explain his rescue plan before removing Chewie's handcuffs, and as far as the wookiee and Leia know, Lando is still just the guy that dimed them all out to the Empire.
See above. Chewie is an alien monster roughly the size of a doorframe with murderous rage tap-dancing around in his brain. We're surprised he didn't just start bludgeoning Lando to death with his manacles as soon as the Imperial guards were dispatched. Leia is about a remark away from telling Chewie to snap Lando's head off like a Pez dispenser when he finally manages to gurgle out his plan to save Han. Had Lando simply gone over this before unchaining Chewbacca's giant meathooks, the "throttling" faux pas could've been avoided. And that's a crucial point, because while Chewie chose the slow strangling method, perhaps because he wanted to see Lando's eyes pop out of his skull like one of those rubber squeeze toys, we know that he could just as easily have knocked Lando's head off his shoulders like a toddler smacking a baseball off a tee.
Lando's trilogy-saving explanation would have been left gurgling from a ragged neck stump. #4.
Leia Leads the Empire to the Rebel Base
Leia rightfully thinks that her bold rescue and subsequent escape from the Death Star at the hands of Han and Luke were too easy. She's suspicious that Vader and Tarkin let them get away in order to track them to the rebel base on Yavin IV, so in a stunning display of leadership, she has Han go there anyway, because fuck it. The Empire was going to find it eventually. And really what's the use of a secret base when you're trying to subvert a powerful regime? Why It Was a Bad Call:Leia has seen the Death Star blow up her home planet like Bruce Vilanch in a microwave, so she knows the thing is no joke.
And we know she's got some serious steel because with her entire planet under threat, she lies with a straight face about where the Rebellion is. So why in the Dooku does she leave the Empire a trail of space breadcrumbs to the only home she has left in the galaxy? Or couldn't she have called ahead to let them know the Imperial fleet was on its way with their giant murder ball? At the very least, Leia could've had her underlings turn off all the lights in the base and pretend like no one was home. As it stands, the Rebels emerge victorious, but we have to believe that if Leia hadn't led the enemy directly to them, more than two pilots might have survived the assault.
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To anyone below who wrote serious counter arguments to the article, its a f*****g sci-fi movie trilogy. Its NOT real. Girls are real, real life is real, try them out. Cracked is a humor based web site you f*****g losers. And TheGayinator, the physics in star wars have nothing to do with whats accepted you stupid f*****g pillock
This is for TheGayinator: Are you REALLY arguing that he didn't blow up a planet because it was a gas giant? Really? Don't worry about how, you know, EVERYTHING in the ENTIRE trilogy is physically impossible. For instance, the Force. Near-instant interstellar travel. Fast-acting death lasers. Lightsabers. Should I keep going? I really don't think the writers gave a s**t about petty things like physics, so shut up about the f*****g gas giant that, by the way, doesn't exist.
Two problems on this list. 1: the yavin problem. Yavin is a gas giant. A gas giant is unlikely to explode when shot with a giant space laser. It would largely pass through and dissipate, although to be fair it would disrupt the giant ball of gas. Also, the Death Star can't move overly fast when it isn't in hyperspace. A hyperspace jump at that point would have failed horribly due to local gravitational forces. There's a reason that hyperspace jumps only begin and end outside of planetary gravitational wells. 2: Actually, endor's shield generator DOES protect the generator, just not from ground assaults. The map shown in the movie clearly shows a part of the shield projected over the generator. Thus, no orbital bombings.
Also, my girlfriend frequently uses wookieepedia when she wants to look up random star wars facts or is confused about something.
Good article overall, and I feel like a nitpicker for mainly pointing out the two glaring problems in it. It's just that when something is explained in the workings and physics of the star wars universe, it's generally accepted to work that way. Also, on a hilarious side note, George Lucas, while still being technically the person with the say-so in Star Wars, is rarely thought of as the authority by star wars geeks. Some of the authors and story writers actually do a better story than lucas himself. He gets points for being the original creator, but the man's a loon who turns anything he touches into crap nowadays.
Another instance of Tarkin dropping the ball:
"Evacuate? In our moment of triumph??" lol
#3 - To be fair, the gas giant (Yavin) was basically a giant diamond mine (Corsica gems). Destroying it would have been an awful waste.
"Hold your fire what are we paying by the laser now"
"You dont do the budget Terry I DO"
LOL family guy.
Most have been answered or at least argued to a reasonable doubt. I will just add my 2 cents and recap.
7- Motti most likely had not seen a demonstration of Vader's Powers as it was just like a religion to him. Otherwise it is common for high ranking officials to bicker.
6- Jabba would at some point feel threatened by an intelligent adviser and have them killed (Maybe he eliminated all the other Hutts on Tatooine?). It would have been nice to see a battle between a Jabba paid protection force (army) to maybe be neutralized by a well timed support force of the rebels (wedge) effecting virtually the same end result. Too many resources (and time) for this part of the film I'll bet for Lucas
5- Show of faith, in a hurry, ego had Lando thinking he charmed Leia or at least that he could talk his way out of anything.
4- They did not know 100% they were let go and tracked. The rebels whole idea from the start was to get the plans to the rebel experts to find a weakness and most likely attack it by exploiting some weakness, immediately. If the M Falcon goes and hides then they could be destroyed without delivering the plans. Most likely the base would be discovered soon by a probe droid like on Hoth and time was not on the Rebels side.
3- It was sent into (counter) orbit not "parked" . Being in a superior (cockiness demonstrated) position and even if zapping a Gas Giant could be done, Tarkin would most likely just Zap the moon not the gas giant (reckless overkill). Enough said about this one.
2- Empire would not have been remotely concerned about Ewoks living there. Time, resources and most importantly secrecy kept them from making Endor a parking lot (visible from space perhaps). Lack of troop defense a problem but I think this was a Lucas scale thing like the Jabba battle. I was under the impression the generator WAS within the shields just like Hoth base was shielded from bombardment initially. Even if they could bombard it, the whole fleet of the Empire could intercept them before they could do it.
1- Where is a tractor beam for the pod when you need one? I don't like the dialogue but I really think that they would not fire on any of the pods even with life forms. Vader wanted answers not vaporized pods and witnesses. Remember he didn't want Bounty hunters to use disintegrations, then he would have no proof if Luke, Leia or Han were still alive. Also, how Vader deals with people who make thoughtful decisions when they go badly, ie general coming out of hyperspace to close to Hoth. Can we assume they let some spies beam the plan transmissions in the first place to lead them to the rebels?
PS Chewie doesn't get wear a medal because of Wookie culture. The only thing they themselves with is a special band they receive when they become of age LOL.
Maybe they didn't show Miami Vice back on the Death Star?
Another thing I noticed is that Palpatine personally leaks the location of the Death Star to lure the rebels into a trap where his "elite troops" will punch them in the nuts.
Maybe "elite" means something else in Star Wars, I don't know but if you taken the f*****g bother to lure someone into a trap, the best you could do was whip out you best troops and star destroyers and blow them the f**k up.
No, instead you just put out a half assed mini base with a few AT-ST's and some dumbass troops and get beaten by a bunch of tiny little bears.
Maybe "elite" means functionally retarded.
Speaking of the chancellor, they should have had Terence Stamp play Palpatine instead. "Come to me, son of Skywalker...KNEEEEEL BEFORE PALPATINE!!!
I don't know if this is a ball-drop, or just some half-baked notion that was padded into a feature-length film:
In the Phantom Menace, Senator Palpatine needs for the Queen to make it to Coruscant in order to deliver a no-confidence vote (which will give Palpatine his window, blah, blah, blah, control of the senate with "sweeping powers". This is, after all, the early stage of his Master Plan). Why then does Palpatine, as Darth Sidious, send Darth Maul to impede the Queen's progress? Is this a Fight Club situation? Palpatine v. Sidious? Is he trying to pull one over on himself?
True, Phantom Menace sucked a dog's dirty balls to begin with. In light of the above-mentioned paradox, however, its overall shittiness is compounded by a factor of infinity. Comparable to watching any Brendan Fraser movie in Mandarin Chinese. (Unless you happen to speak Mandarin Chinese. In which case, well, f**k it... It's the same.)
The Jabba the Hutt thing was a major double ball-drop. How could the Rebellion only send three people, two droids, and a Wookie to perform the rescue mission, when it could have easily spared, say, one starcruiser and a few X-Wings? Was Admiral Ackbar really that stingy with his resources?
Hubcap is probably the guy that the Comic Book Guy on the Simpsons is based on. "But Aquaman, you can't marry a woman without gills! You're from two different worlds!"
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I read this article and it was awesome and it made me wonder why I rarely admit to people that I'm obsessed with Star Wars. Then I read the comments and I remembered.
"we're pretty sure the Admiral had been promoted to cleaning toilets on the detention level by the time Luke blows the place up at the end."
I don't correct people a lot, but I think the word should be demoted, the opposite of promoted, which means given a higher position.
This whole series could have been avoided if Anakin's mom kept it in her pants ffs, you'd think they'd have perfect condoms by the time they can travel the cosmos.
I don't remember which commnter made the above error, but Anakin didn't have a father. In The Phantom Menace Shimi (his mother) told Qui-Gon Jin that Anakin was immaculately conceived. He wasn't a product of sexual intercourse. Therefore, whether Shimi "kept it in her pants" or not wouldn't have made a difference.
Does anyone else find it extremely ironic that Admiral Motti's packaging has "WARNING -- Choking Hazard" on it?
he is my hero,and certainly the best player of all time
Many young girls and hot models on TallMingle ... COM wanna marry a man like him. I did see some supermodels there. I know many guys tired of dating the ordinary, maybe u can meet your special at this superb club :-)
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OMFG! That had to be one of the funniest articles ive read on Cracked.com to date. So true tho, if you knew Darth Vader could choke you by thinking about it, would you insult his religon! Hilarious! good work cracked.com, keep it coming!
P.S. yeah dont ruin the funny by trying to dispute these things people, its just a movie(s)