Four Movie Presidents Who Would Never Get Reelected
Every Saturday we let some of our favorite writers fill in for us. The Last Gaffe is a comedy website founded by Cracked writer Malcolm Christiansen and staffed almost entirely with other Cracked writers. We'd sue him for stealing all of our writers if we didn't enjoy the site so damn much. Today, Jeff Kelly offers a guide to inspirational movie presidents, and why they'd never get reelected.
Last November, the US made a giant social leap forward with the landslide election of Barack Obama. People wanted a change, and so far... well, change takes time. But that's neither here nor there.
The fact remains that we still live in uncertain times, and more and more of us are being forced to sell ourselves on the street in order to simply pay our bills. In these trying times, we look to our leaders to guide us through to better days. At the end of the day, at least we can all take solace in the fact that we won't have to rely on these fictional presidents, none of whom would ever get re-elected...
#4.
Morgan Freeman as President Tom Beck (Deep Impact)
How He Fucked Up
In a moment of crisis, we turn to our leaders to guide us. To offer us encouragement and wisdom. To tell us everything is going to be okay. And the one thing we hope they'll never, ever say to us is, "Shit, I guess you're all fucked! Now excuse me while I take only the elite and hide in a cave somewhere."
Why He'd Never Get Re-Elected
When Frodo Baggins discovered a massive meteor hurtling toward Earth and threatening to kill us all, President Tom Beck did what any leader would do: he kept it a secret for as long as he could, built a secret underground cave system to house the best and the brightest and told the majority of the population that to go fuck themselves.
In a literal display of burying his head in the sand (or in this case underneath a mountain) and hoping for the best, Beck proposed an idea of hiding away some of the best athletes, minds, and professionals in various fields in his elaborate cave system and letting the rest of the world perish. So while Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, and Rue McClanahan were probably okay, the rest of us were pretty well screwed. That anyone might survive what turned out to be a grossly overestimated doomsday was apparently beyond his comprehension.
"Gentleman, I propose a bold strategy."
When the meteor crashed and killed far less people than he had anticipated, it's a safe bet that Beck had a tough time trying to get the masses he'd abandoned to gruesome deaths to forget that he deemed them completely unworthy of continuing to live.
What He Should Have Done Instead
Hindsight is 20/20, but the fact remains that Beck didn't even really suggest any survival strategies or even seem to be thinking about anything other than saving his own and, presumably, the asses of his many financial backers.
If nothing else, with the knowledge that the meteor was going to hit off of the east coast and the majority of the damage would be done to the eastern seaboard, he could have reminded the people that Manifest Destiny needn't be a passing fad, like acid wash jeans or Tila Tequila. Instead, he could have recommended that maybe it'd be a good idea to flee to the west. Hell, it's not like anyone is using Montana or Wyoming anyway.
Wyoming State Motto: "We're so lonely."
Seeing the aftermath of the meteor crashing into the earth, we now know that if only he'd suggested that long awaited trip to check out Mount Rushmore (on which he'll probably never see his face added) a whole pantsload of American voters could have been saved. And if he'd suggested it in that soothing Morgan Freeman voice of his, we're betting he could have salvaged a few votes in the process.
#3.
Billy Bob Thornton as The U.S. President (Love Actually)
How He Fucked Up
For years, the US and England were like bickering siblings, and like many brothers who grew up hating each other and beating each other up, they gradually grew to be great friends. And then, a U.S. president like the one portrayed by Billy Bob comes along and fucks everything up because he decides he wants his older brother's new woman. And then you know shit is on!
Why He'd Never Get Re-Elected
"Suck my dick, England."
From his disconcerting "low talking," to the creepy way he leers at women and the overall lack of tact, it's a wonder he was ever elected in the first place. We're a bit baffled that someone could have actually won on a platform of "Show me them titties!"
In a single trip to London he managed to:
- Bully the British government to the point where they were forced to actually grow a pair,
- Acted like such a dick that he very well may have single-handedly shattered one of the countries' oldest alliances, and
- Raised serious doubt as to whether the two nations could possibly remain BFF.
To make matters worse, within seconds of Prime Minister Hugh Grant leaving the room he began forcing himself on a defenseless Monica Lewinski-lookalike, showing even less restraint than Bill Clinton at Hooters.
"What's this supposed to be, some sort of heartwarming seasonal comedy about life and love? Fuck that, get those titties out!"
What He Should Have Done Instead
With the world climate seeing a whole shitload of people turning on the United States and deeming it a nation full of assholes, he may have been better served to acquiesce to a few of the Prime Minister's requests, which we assume consisted of getting Harry Potter a star on the Walk of Fame, maybe a deal on toothpaste and almost certainly "don't touch my woman."
After all, it doesn't make a ton of sense to tell your oldest and best friend that you don't really give a shit what he thinks and then try to steal his woman, which is precisely what President Billy Bob did. It might also help if he didn't look like Billy Bob Thornton.
"Ha ha, yeah, that's great. Seriously though, fish out them titties."
At the very least, he could have attempted to keep his dick at bay when he encountered the Prime Minister's love interest for the sake of the U.S./U.K. alliance. Hadn't anyone ever taught him the time-honored foreign policy of "bros before hoes?"
What Whitmore *should* have done was broke out the spears and grass shields like those African tribesmen we saw at the end did... BTW you forgot the president in Superman II, who handed America over to a trio of Terrorists...
Replyi would vote for billy bob thornton and i would definitely vote for dee-bo .
ReplyAlso the President from that movie called JFK
ReplyThe biggest mistake of Witmore was most definitely NOT nuking Houston: all his advisors supported it, he knew negotiation wasn't possible and the city should have had been empty by that point anyway. No, his biggest mistake was not ordering the evacutation of the cities when alien ships just came.The fact that Russians had ordered evacuation literally a minute after the invaders' arrival should have had given him a hint of what to do. But no, he said he was was afraid to cause panic and casualties related to it, but seriously, couldn't he at least rally all the police forces for the organised evacuation?! He refused to reconsider even AFTER the aliens had shot down the illumination helicopter, by which point it should have had been pretty obvious their intentions won't be peaceful. But no, he stays in the White House until the programmer finally gets it to him to him that surprise, aliens are gonna destroy the city!, literally 10 minutes before they struck. He freely admits that it was a mistake later, which would have had been of much comfort to the families of those who stayed, believing in their president until the truth came in the form of (ridiculously unrealistic) green alien laser.
ReplyI'm pretty sure nuking the oil capital of the world is a bigger mistake than a late exit.
I also have to disagree with president Whitmore not being re-elected. While you only see a handful of alien ships destroying select city they do make mention that the ships that attack are designated on key targets that will make communication and leadership of said countries difficult if not possible. By the time the first attacks take place you figure the casualties would have to be in the millions. At this point, barring that there is still any sort of network coverage (via radio, television, etc.) then people have been smart enough to know that they should be hauling ass out of any major metropolitan areas. When Whitman gives the order to nuke the ship over Houston it seems as though the streets of the city have been deserted. If people were still around I'm certain they'd be staring at it in awe and/or evacuating at break neck speed. Sure; there's certain to be stragglers who stayed behind, but taking down a ship that's capable of killing millions of people versus losing a fraction of the population that once resided in the city would probably be an acceptable degree of collateral damage. Sure; you'll leave the area an uninhabitable wasteland, but I'm almost certain that when humanity comes to the brink of mass extermination they're not going to be thinking "We can't live in this one area. Rage!" so much as "We get to live! f**k yeah!" Also take into consideration that the majority of political figures are dead and or MIA and any sort of progress whether it be scientific, academic, etc. has probably stagnated and is going to remain halted until humanity can begin rebuilding and moving on. I doubt that the American public would see it as a crucial time to focus on the upcoming election. The American people need a leader, their current one is not dead, and the percentage of Americans along with the rest of the world have bonded over the experience. I'm pretty damn certain that they'd stick with the leader that helped lead (as well as command) the air strike that led to the first ship being taken down. Sure, Whitmore didn't take the ship down with one hand on the trigger and the other on his dick but he still fought alongside other troops and civilians. What more can a recovering nation ask for for the time being? Seriously, I haven't watched ID in six years and even I remember enough about the film to know that a re-election would be the furthest thing from people's minds. How long ago did you watch it prior to writing this article?
ReplyI don't get it. This is even more off-base than those "Six somethings aout Disney Movies" articles. Why is it that Cracked writers can analyze video games so thoroughly but when it comes to movies, they sound like they only heard about them second hand from their children? Don't y'all ever actually watch the movies you write about?
ReplyFor that matter, in the 5th Element, sure the President was presented as an idiot, but to the general public, they succeeded in killing the big ball of evil under his watchful eye. It was his choice to send Dallas in the first place, by giving those guys the ok to send whomever they wanted. Dallas went, LeeLu went, they kicked ass. General populace of Earth sees, President hired the right guy to kill evil, President is seen saving the universe. President is elected forever. Again, I don't think you watched all of this movie either. I think you need to re-watch Fifth Element and Independence Day. Remember, the general populace of Earth wouldn't be privy to all the information we were in seeing the movie, they would see "our leader saved us all, we love him". End of story. "Our leader got the right people to do the right thing." They wouldn't know anything about him not listening to the Priest. NOTHING. And only AFTER the Fifth Element was killed by those mercs, did the Pres kick him out. Even after them, the put enough stock in it to regenerate LeeLu. So he wasn't just completely disregarding him anyway. Really watch the movie and REALLY let the plot sink in instead of, you know, being stupid.
ReplyYep, save the world, not get reelected? Riiiight. Bill Pullman would be PRESIDENT FOREVER. There was no thought put into #1. No one would look back and say "hey, that could have been handled differently." No, people would say, "HE SAVED OUR ASSES. PRESIDENT FOREVER." Simply wrong there.
ReplyR. Lee Ermy!!! He was an awesome movie president.
ReplySaturday Night Live did a fake debate between Whitmore and Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald). All those topics were brought up.
ReplyWhitmore's re-election would probably depend on how long after the invasion the next election was. If it is soon, it's likely that the popularity surge from being the war winning, war hero, personally leading the assault against the enemy in a frickin fighter plane would carry him through. If it's several years of painful reconstruction afterwards, then it's quite likely that the same thing that happened to Winston Churchill after WWII would have happened to him.
Reply"Ha ha, yeah, that's great. Seriously though, fish out them titties."
ReplyNo doubt in my mind Billy Bob has said these exact words on at least half a dozen occasions.
In ID he nuked the alien spaceship, not Houston.
ReplyAnd, pray tell me, where was that alien spaceship? Not hovering over Houston, by any chance?
The ID4 one was kind of stretching it. The aliens had killed millions of people in a single day and reduced dozens of major cities to rubble, and were moving to kill millions more. I don't think that after finding out no possible peace could exist with technologically superior locusts, trying a nuke out would be considered all that brash.
ReplyContext, please. Cracked is funniest when it's witty and INFORMED, not when its writers sound like they read the movie summary off of wikipedia.
Exactly, given what happened in ID4, that pres would have probably been pres for far longer than he really legally should have been, people probably would have tried writing him in a 3rd term. "But oh no, he nuked Houston!" The aliens nuked NY, LA, London, Moscow, ...etc. Nuking the alien ship over Houston was NOTHING. And they would have Nuked Houston ANYWAY. It would be nice if this writer had seen the whole movie.
I always thought that the biggest mistake the President in ID4 made was never really trying to negotiate with the aliens. Sure, that one alien says "NOOOO PEEEEEACE" but come on...he'd just been kicked in the face by Will Smith and given surgery without anesthetic. It's understandable that he'd be a little pissed off.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesHell, for all we know, the aliens were after something that's highly valued in their culture but useless in ours. I can imagine the conversation now:
Alien Leader: OK, Earthlings, our demands are simple: We want your radioactive waste and raw sewage. Hand them over now, and no one gets hurt.
Bill Paxton: No! We're Americans! WE WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE-
Will Smith: Dammit, shut up! (grabs microphone) Uh - welcome to Earth...pals.
They didn't. Their intention, as stated when the alien in question telepathically raped the President, was to destroy all human life, strip the planet to a barren husk, and move on to the next target. He only ordered the nuking after he knew what their intentions were and when he knew negotiating was not an option.
Don't forget, that in that scene, just before the mind-rape, President Whitmore actually offered UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER ("What do you want us to do?") And was rebuffed. ("DIIEEEE.") When that happens, negotiations are pretty much off the table, unless you're willing to offer suicide.
Um, Will Smith DID say "Welcome to Earth" After he shot down THAT alien and PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE. See the movie and actually remember it all.
I really don't think you watched the movie either. They wanted the humans to die. Wow.
not to mention that the first time they tried to make contact the aliens blew up a hellecopter just trying to talk
Seriously, though, who HASN'T wanted to nuke Texas at some point?
ReplyI think [I hope]you mean. Would/could NEVER have gotten there in the... First place ? Let alone get re-elected ? Butt ! Oh Bummer probably WILL. It's all math... They will run him against. Another WOMAN ! Imagine that.
ReplySara kummz to mind. Genital-men place your betts.
DOM-awk-& Racy
I have no idea what you're talking about...
I think [I hope] you mean: Blah blah blah. Giberrish guestimate rubarb... falalalalaaaah. I wish I could make a dick joke. I no no-fin
Yeah, people pretty much covered why most of these are flawed arguments, but I'm since people aren't really covering the "Love, Actually" one- ok, the result of his actions might lead to losing his chances at re-elections. Might. Or the American public might just turn against England- let's face it, we're not that bright. There's still people who think Iraq was totally related to 9/11. As for not going after the Prime Minister's woman... well, while he was still sleazy, he really had no reason to think she was off limits. So the whole "stay away from his woman" argument doesn't follow, since they weren't dating or had even admitted having feelings. Heck, Grant has her transferred just to avoid the complications of a relationship.
Replyprops for standing up and being the person to reveal in-depth knowledge of Love Actually.
That is one turd of a movie. I own two copies of it.
Did this person see Deep Impact? The underground survival shelters were in addition to launching the mission to destroy the comet. The underground shelters were for when the mission to destroy the comet failed, which it probably would.
ReplyAs for informing people of what was going to happen. Look how fucked up humans act when they're threatened by a hurricane.
I think that's spelled Whore-canned
But in real life, there wouldn't be a mission like that. The real mission would be far more boring to the average viewer. So really, it's all irrelevant. If you're going to judge his actions by reality, then none of it would happen in the first place, since we don't actually need to destroy the object, and we'd have plenty of chances to alter its course.
If aliens really did invade I'd think nukes would be the first thing you'd use against them, being aliens that flew here from trillions of kilometres and all that.
ReplyThat's logic. Kill our-selves first. Rather than be killed by... alien/forlien nationalist. OH YEA. We will make this fkn place GLOW in the DaRK.
You want a piece of that.