Four Movie Presidents Who Would Never Get Reelected
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Every Saturday we let some of our favorite writers fill in for us. The Last Gaffe is a comedy website founded by Cracked writer Malcolm Christiansen and staffed almost entirely with other Cracked writers. We'd sue him for stealing all of our writers if we didn't enjoy the site so damn much. Today, Jeff Kelly offers a guide to inspirational movie presidents, and why they'd never get reelected. Last November, the US made a giant social leap forward with the landslide election of Barack Obama. People wanted a change, and so far... well, change takes time. But that's neither here nor there. The fact remains that we still live in uncertain times, and more and more of us are being forced to sell ourselves on the street in order to simply pay our bills. In these trying times, we look to our leaders to guide us through to better days. At the end of the day, at least we can all take solace in the fact that we won't have to rely on these fictional presidents, none of whom would ever get re-elected... #4.
Morgan Freeman as President Tom Beck (Deep Impact)
How He Fucked Up In a moment of crisis, we turn to our leaders to guide us. To offer us encouragement and wisdom. To tell us everything is going to be okay. And the one thing we hope they'll never, ever say to us is, "Shit, I guess you're all fucked! Now excuse me while I take only the elite and hide in a cave somewhere." Why He'd Never Get Re-Elected When Frodo Baggins discovered a massive meteor hurtling toward Earth and threatening to kill us all, President Tom Beck did what any leader would do: he kept it a secret for as long as he could, built a secret underground cave system to house the best and the brightest and told the majority of the population that to go fuck themselves. In a literal display of burying his head in the sand (or in this case underneath a mountain) and hoping for the best, Beck proposed an idea of hiding away some of the best athletes, minds, and professionals in various fields in his elaborate cave system and letting the rest of the world perish. So while Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, and Rue McClanahan were probably okay, the rest of us were pretty well screwed. That anyone might survive what turned out to be a grossly overestimated doomsday was apparently beyond his comprehension.
When the meteor crashed and killed far less people than he had anticipated, it's a safe bet that Beck had a tough time trying to get the masses he'd abandoned to gruesome deaths to forget that he deemed them completely unworthy of continuing to live. What He Should Have Done Instead Hindsight is 20/20, but the fact remains that Beck didn't even really suggest any survival strategies or even seem to be thinking about anything other than saving his own and, presumably, the asses of his many financial backers. If nothing else, with the knowledge that the meteor was going to hit off of the east coast and the majority of the damage would be done to the eastern seaboard, he could have reminded the people that Manifest Destiny needn't be a passing fad, like acid wash jeans or Tila Tequila. Instead, he could have recommended that maybe it'd be a good idea to flee to the west. Hell, it's not like anyone is using Montana or Wyoming anyway.
Seeing the aftermath of the meteor crashing into the earth, we now know that if only he'd suggested that long awaited trip to check out Mount Rushmore (on which he'll probably never see his face added) a whole pantsload of American voters could have been saved. And if he'd suggested it in that soothing Morgan Freeman voice of his, we're betting he could have salvaged a few votes in the process. #3.
Billy Bob Thornton as The U.S. President (Love Actually)
How He Fucked Up For years, the US and England were like bickering siblings, and like many brothers who grew up hating each other and beating each other up, they gradually grew to be great friends. And then, a U.S. president like the one portrayed by Billy Bob comes along and fucks everything up because he decides he wants his older brother's new woman. And then you know shit is on! Why He'd Never Get Re-Elected
From his disconcerting "low talking," to the creepy way he leers at women and the overall lack of tact, it's a wonder he was ever elected in the first place. We're a bit baffled that someone could have actually won on a platform of "Show me them titties!" In a single trip to London he managed to: - Bully the British government to the point where they were forced to actually grow a pair, - Acted like such a dick that he very well may have single-handedly shattered one of the countries' oldest alliances, and - Raised serious doubt as to whether the two nations could possibly remain BFF. To make matters worse, within seconds of Prime Minister Hugh Grant leaving the room he began forcing himself on a defenseless Monica Lewinski-lookalike, showing even less restraint than Bill Clinton at Hooters.
What He Should Have Done Instead With the world climate seeing a whole shitload of people turning on the United States and deeming it a nation full of assholes, he may have been better served to acquiesce to a few of the Prime Minister's requests, which we assume consisted of getting Harry Potter a star on the Walk of Fame, maybe a deal on toothpaste and almost certainly "don't touch my woman." After all, it doesn't make a ton of sense to tell your oldest and best friend that you don't really give a shit what he thinks and then try to steal his woman, which is precisely what President Billy Bob did. It might also help if he didn't look like Billy Bob Thornton.
At the very least, he could have attempted to keep his dick at bay when he encountered the Prime Minister's love interest for the sake of the U.S./U.K. alliance. Hadn't anyone ever taught him the time-honored foreign policy of "bros before hoes?" |
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yea, nuking houston is a great idea despite the fact its the 3rd largest city in the country and a huge money maker for our country. man, obama sure has united us hasnt he? ID4 is possibly the worst movie ever made, at least dialouge wise, and that is proven by the fact that tbs shows it all the time, and they are a comedy channel
Who cares if it got nuked? It's Houston for chrissakes.
nuking houston is Always a good idea.
"Aliens just don't understand"?
f**k I love Cracked's article captions.
yea im kinda doubting the fact that this guy even payed attention very much when he watched these movies, he seems to be trying to make jokes out of the wrong parts of it, and then just strait up bashes the actors themselves in the face with a spiked bat just cause he doesnt like how they look, not because of general viewer criticism. i happened to like all these movies except for deep impact, and yes they are all quite ridiculous but thats part of what makes them awesome, like the one against the world willis, and yet i bet writer loves die hard
@chadachada yeah and the pres was pretty much using the only option availiable to him at the time. oh god...im defending a fictional character in a movie...have i sunk so low?
I would totally vote for a president who nuked Texas.
Uh...I'm pretty sure, if I recall correctly, Houston was already decimated by the aliens before what little was left of it was nuked...
In any f*****g case, call me an elitist p***k, but I don't consider the youtube commenters worth saving, so at least Prez Beck had the right idea, he was just an underachiever.
i really dont think you get it majorD. although i have never seen the billy bob movie, and its been many many moons since the first one, fifth element and id4 are in my mind, and i think it is pretty good how they attacked it. i think you just read some jerk at the beginning of the comments and how they hated it, and you didnt give it a chance and feel like blasting the article cause they all did. hell. maybe your an aspiring director like everyone else and feel that you know these movies better than anyone else and had to add your 28 cents to the comment sections, cause everyone knows that if you wnat to be noticed, look at comment sections of cracked. i dont know. im sleepy tho.
Tom "Tiny" Lister, Jr. was never a wrestler
he was an actor cast as a wrestler (Zeus) in a s****y movie (No Holds Barred), who McMahon thought he could pass off as a real wrestler in-front of a live audience (for the sole purpose of eventually putting over Hogan... AGAIN)
as for the rest of The Fifth Element... do you remember your high school algebra? 'a negative times a negative is a positive'? so many things are wrong with this movie, I can't help but put it in my Top Ten Sci-Fi/Fantasy Films
"its a good thing that MajorDSastor understands that this is a comedy website."
I do, and for the sake of comedy, I repeat that satirizing movies only becomes funny when you point out ridiculous things actually taking place in the movie, not when you invent some, or completely miss the point.
The four flicks in the article (though all quite enjoyable IMO) contain enough silliness to write a comedy article about each one of them - no need to willingly misinterpret their story lines.
The jokes fall flat in that case, and the article is half as funny as it could be.
To be fair, the aforementioned brilliant plan was only conceived in a drunken stupor brought on by the president's decision to nuke Houston. And really, it's Texas, does anyone care if it gets destroyed?
oh im almost certain kevinklaw. because you see, i dont need a picture of scantily clad breasts or some family guy humor to think something is funny. i also dont need to go through everything a webpage typed and write an article of my own on the comment section to try to prove a point. but then again, i dont think you have a decent sense of humor either kevin.
micker1772:
Really? You could have fooled me. I thought comedy was supposed to be funny.
Wasn't Randy Quade anal probed in ID?
its a good thing that MajorDSastor understands that this is a comedy website.
lol_alf - The article is called "Four Movie Presidents Who Would Never Get Reelected." The movie Canadian Bacon ends with the President NOT getting elected. So he wouldn't qualify to be in this article.
I Have to agree with most of the posters:
Movie satire works best when you have actually seen the movies you intend to lampoon.
To sum it up:
- the space mission in Deep Impact is a half-success that splits the asteroid in two, thus causing the destruction of all Atlantic Coast areas, but avoiding the global extinction that was previously feared. Not knowing if Plan A would work, Morgan Freeman had no other choice than to stick to Plan B.
- the US Prez story in Love actually is a 5 minutes incident in one of the sub-plots in a more than two-hours movie... and it's only here to show us that Hugh Grant portrays a young Prime Minister with a big pair of balls that dares to think out of the box - and speak accordingly. Goddamit! It's not a movie about the USA!
- The prez in 5th Element is supposed to be a bit pompous and concerned with his image. But even for a satirical politician stereotype, he doesn't do such a bad job (and it's the star fleet's admiral who launches the missiles at the Darkness). As for the "taxi driver", he's a former super-fighter from one of the star fleet's elite units, and Milla Jovovitch is supposed to be "the genetically perfect ultimate warrior, created to save the universe", so the prez's choices aren't so bad after all.
- As for ID4, Houston is already a pile of ashes full of burnt corpses when Bill Pullman, after refusing several times, eventually decides to nuke the alien ship, and IIRC, he says "God may forgive us" after giving the order. And at this time, it seems to be the last remaining option, the other being total obliteration by the aliens. So I'd give him my vote any time.
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holy s**t, have even half of u commenters even been to texas. man, for all the s**t u claim about republicans u guys are really some small minded assholes.