#2. People Hate You
Single People Tell Themselves:
Fine, so I'm poor, over-worked and my government hates me. So what? That doesn't mean I should rush into anything. Only fools rush in! Elivis said that, and he was practically a genius. It's not like I should shack up with the next biologically viable human being I pass on the street, right? Right?
Rutgers University did a study that gathered empirical data of social stigma associated with being single and, well ... it's not pretty. Single men were viewed as being stupid and dishonest, and single women were more likely to be harassed and treated badly at restaurants. In fact, the study yielded so much material, that report we linked up there runs 58 freaking pages.
Even with the divorce rate hovering around 50 percent, marriage is still considered the norm. And if you're single for too long, there's a chance you'll stay that way.
Time spent single is a lot like time spent in the bathroom. It's the most natural thing in the world, until you're there just a moment too long. But once you hit that point, there's no turning back. People start to wonder what's wrong with you. Gross images start popping into their heads. The next time they see you, you might smell a little funny to them. But hey, look on the bright side, at least nothing's actually wrong with you, right?
#1. You Are Going to Die Soon
Single People Tell Themselves:
Well, at least I have my health...
We'd hate to send the message that you single folks are all alone in this world, with nobody to rely on but yourself ... since you can't even rely on yourself, really. See, even your body hates you for being single.
Opinions vary on why single people are more likely to get sick and die. Some think it's because marriage offers moral support to get through the tough times. Others think it's just that a spouse is more likely to nag you into going to the doctor. Of course those are things you can counteract without getting married. Just buy a dog and schedule regular medical checkups, right?
But that won't change the fact that married people have a better immune systems than you. They don't have to be happily married. Even divorced people are better at fighting off illness. It's like marriage is an all purpose vaccination that never wears off.
"If only he would've married. Then he wouldn't be so pathetic. And dead."
You'd think the health care system would be designed to accommodate all the strange and fascinating diseases you single folks have waiting in your future. But married people get the better of that too, often choosing between two subsidized plans, and paying less per person. In fact, they get such a good deal that people literally get married just to get on their partner's health plan. While this might sound pathetic to you now, it will sound a lot more reasonable when you realize that the grapefruit sized lump on your neck isn't going to remove itself. If it does remove itself, you're probably going to have to go to the ER and get that shit stitched up.
But hey, happy Valentine's Day single people! You might want to hang onto all that money you're saving on gifts.
If you're in a relationship, find out just how much it sucks being single by sending one of these 15 Brutally Honest Valentine's Day Cards. And be sure to learn The Terrifying Truth Behind Valentine's Day.