If 'Twilight' Was 10 Times Shorter And 100 Times More Honest

That was still waaay too long dude. You want short, sweet and filled with pleasure, bend over and paste this link into your browzer, Mowzer...

http://www.brainbooger.com/2/post/2009/09/twilight-part-6.html

10/14/2009 10:22:58 AM

TwilightPart6

MAN, he tore every aspect of the movie to shreds.

9/12/2009 7:14:46 PM

NothingSkeleton

I actually had a few spelling/grammatical errors in my last post, sorry about that.
-SBP

9/12/2009 12:02:16 PM

sbprophetess

Okay.

I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 'Mormon' is a misnomer because we don't 'follow' Mormon. He was simply the hand that helped to deliver God's words.

Anyhoo. I've read the books, watched the movie. I don't like it, but I don't hate it. I read this because I thought it would be funny. And it was.

Maybe he's jealous of Stephanie Meyer. I am. I'm also a writer, I'm not that famous, and I may very well never be. Does that mean that I'm going to call her a fat cow? No. I'm pudgy myself. Attacking someone's personally like that is totally assanine.

A lot of the other comments made were funny, relevant, and well-played. Some of it was not. Just because he's offending people doesn't mean you have to get your knickers in a knot.

Basically? Don't read it if you aren't going to like it.

Some of you guys said he needs to grow up? Maybe he does. But maybe you do too.

-Soap Box

9/12/2009 11:52:59 AM

sbprophetess

My two favorite sites are cracked.com and psychologytoday.com.
Imagine my surprise and delight when I found this article was linked to from Psychology Today: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/snow-white-doesnt-live-here-anymore/200903/five-reasons-smart-middle-aged-woman-loathes-twiligh

8/12/2009 4:38:29 PM

Jawhara

First, LameArticle, before you bash the article, you need to watch the movie and/or read the books before you can say this is unfair to them, cuz really, it's not.

i don't see how this article is hypocritical at all. he's not saying that movies need to promote teenage sex just that it's lame to hide a message of abstinence behind "sexy vampires". at least American Pie was pretty open and in the end actually showed sex in an almost realistic light (in terms of casual meaningless sex not being satanic but also that it's not as fulfilling or meaningful as a loving relationship).

the fact is, the characters in the movie twilight (can't comment on the books, never read them) are 1-dimensional stereotypes in every way except where it matters: the girl is in distress and gives herself to the man, the man is strong and protective, the world is against them, the girl's friend wants her but won't get her, blah blah blah. but, ask for even a small amount of "typical" vampire behavior and i'm stuck rooting for the bad guys to kick some ass and show the pussys how it's done.

the movie really plays like some 12 year old girl's idea of how a vampire boyfriend would be awesome if she doesn't consider any of the ways that it's actually not a great choice. in real life, if a man doesn't want to date you for fear he might be tempted to kill you and gorge on your blood, please don't wander off into the woods alone with him.

7/29/2009 4:14:19 AM

Conformist138

this made me really really really laugh
thanks for the parody :P

7/28/2009 10:28:51 AM

hellacool66

this is absolutely hilarious :D

i actually loved the books, refused to see the movie since all movies of books are crap. (of course i was eventually forced to watch it. the acting was slightly painful).

ahhh this was just so funny (: nice man.

7/15/2009 2:41:43 PM

kittenftwxx

This seems almost as though MAD is doing it.

7/14/2009 4:42:06 PM

Flashpenny

@theweeston

Holy Jebus, man, that's a bit over the top.
LameArticle wrote one of the most eloquent
and well written comments that I've seen
and you come up with one of the most
idiotic and self-insulting statement I've seen
in response.

Perhaps YouTube or 4chan will satisfy your
message posting needs in the future.

And the article does seem quite
hypocritical, apologies Rod.

7/12/2009 5:56:58 PM

quicksignup

@ Lamearticle

Shove a 5th tampon up your c**t, remember your daddy's hand, and stfu

7/12/2009 5:21:17 PM

theweeston

Oh my god, did she die.............?

7/12/2009 8:23:54 AM

jamontoast15

I don't think I've ever heard "Stephanie Meyer" and "genius" used in the same sentence by anyone over the age of twelve. Oh, wait... There was that one time I put "makes the retarded kid two doors down look like a f*****g" between them. In any event, those novels are an abomination by all standards. 1. No emo should be catered to. They should be shot. Immediately. 2. Vampires don't sparkle. No vampire, in any culture, has ever sparkled. They're supposed to be scary, for God's sake. 3. No, the author isn't responsible for the stupid movie that follows her book. She's responsible for the stupid book. 4. Meyer probably was the "unpopular fat girl." Hell, I was the "unpopular fat girl," but you don't see me spreading stupid ill-conceived s**t (sorry, I couldn't think of a worse word) all over the place. The longest thing I've written since leaving college is a comment on a Cracked article.

7/8/2009 11:09:37 PM

AshsWorkshed

@OldKingTut

I chose Wuthering Heights and the Count of Monte Cristo because they are two of my favorite books (I even tried to make sense of the colloquial rubbish from Heathcliffe’s servant), and I know they’ve made movies of them. So pick any other book - substitute Forrest Gump (crap novel, great film) and Clear and Present Danger (and change “Caviezel” to “Ford”). My point is, don’t lay into the author of a book for the movie that comes after. I wouldn’t compare Twilight to any book or movie (I haven’t read or seen it), but I can’t believe you actually compared Rod Hilton to Andre Bazin.

How did this guy slog through a probably crap novel, pay close attention to a movie (or perhaps watch it several times) knowing that it was a movie made for teenage girls and then exclaim in effect, “This is the kind of movie that only a teenage girl would like!”? Brilliant. Now, if I had any doubts that Twilight was a crap novel/film, if this piece is at all close to the real story then I’m convinced, and at least Rod saved me time and money of renting it. But I wouldn’t watch the The Fast and The Furious and be upset when I discovered that it was a movie made for undersexed teenage boys by a man who was probably once an undersexed teenage boy. I also wouldn’t lay into the author (had there been a book). The author of Twilight is a genius. She picked up on an underexploited market and trend – teenage girls and vampires (respectively). With average households spending 33% of their income on children; and teen girls spending almost exclusively on [mostly luxury] commodities like movies, makeup, and designer shirts with that-boy-who-played-Cedric-in-Harry Potter’s face on them (unlike adults whose expenditures include rent, vehicles, and groceries), she hit the jackpot.

This article came to my attention because of the author’s directed attacks not only toward the movie but toward the book and the author herself. It’s not my assertion. Read the first line of his article. I work in a domestic violence clinic, and so when the Rod’s opening attack in what is supposed to be a derisive piece on a movie is directed at the author of the book upon which the movie was based, calling her an “unpopular fat girl” (a phrase that sounds rather adolescent itself) my attention was grabbed. It reminded me of a case where a boyfriend assaulted his girlfriend’s sister because “she is an ugly b***h.” A tendency toward violence against women is usually formed by the teen years in men. So while most normal people aren’t fazed by this author’s degrading remark toward Twilight’s author, it reinforces others’ attitudes – that women’s worth is derived from their appearance. The same way white supremacists find validation in Dave Chappelle’s otherwise harmless portrayal of racial stereotypes, some people read this author’s remarks and see the loads of approval, and it validates their feelings that it is okay to berate a woman if she’s fat. Rod calls the author of Twilight a “misogynist” (definition: someone who hates women). I suppose that’s possible; there are Jewish members of the KKK. But I think what he meant is “sexist.” I think I understand some of what motivates his attack of the writer herself. Most people with misogynistic views (such as perpetrators of domestic violence) have their feelings rooted in insecurity, a wish to control, or jealousy (example: wife earns more than husband, husband resents wife’s job, accuses her of sleeping with her boss – his rationalization of why she earns more than he – and then he beats her). Rod invokes an adolescent context with his characterization of the author as “unpopular” – a term that doesn’t get used once someone’s past secondary. She’s a writer; he’s a writer. He’s successful?; she’s a little more successful. So she becomes an unpopular, ugly, (and therefore worthless) girl.

OldKingTut, I’ll say this about you: at least you can type without watching your fingers as your lips were obviously glued to Rod’s bum while you defended his honor. As for your suggestion that I touch myself - that may work for you; the rest of us have discovered sex.

7/3/2009 1:15:19 AM

LameArticle

I have read every Twilight book. Every one. I used to like it in Junior High, and by the time I hit the third book, I realized that it was just glorified Fan-Fiction. I seriously wouldn't have been surprised if Stephanie had written a chapter exclusively on gay sex between Jacob and Edward.

This book is written primarily for the girls with major self-esteem problems who go on to face book and add every single "Screw boyfriends, I'm waiting for Edward!" Flair available. Normally, I would have pity for Robert Pattinson, but he did in fact, audition for this. Knowingly. If he was that stupid as to not know who this film is aimed at, I will be surprised. I hope his fat, rabid, Junior High fans eat his balls.

7/2/2009 10:43:38 AM

Annessister12

Meh. The books were a decent read... someone below mentioned, they were really emotional, which is why the movie stunk so badly. It's hard to convey internal thoughts without cheesy narration (unless Morgan Freeman is doing it, but I think teenage girls would get confused by his voice in Bella's head...)

I'm a teenage girl, and I respect Twilight as a decent book. I'm a sophomore now, read it in like seventh grade and thought it was the s**t. Now I take it out every once in a while when I'm looking for something to read on an airplane/during a roadtrip/etc.

I got my boyfriend to read them through much bribery and cupcake-baking. He thought they were kinda fluffy, more for little girls, but respected the emotional conflict. I mean, Steph goes alittle overboard with the angst sometimes, but didn't J.K. Rowling do the same thing to Harry Potter? (Case in point: Draco Malfoy from OtP-end of series.)

That's just my opinion... take it or leave it.
peace (:

7/2/2009 1:13:13 AM

skyeatsali

I am a twilight fan, but this is pretty funny i have to admit... The books were good, i liked the books, but the movie was soooooo crap compared to the book. i was sitting in the cinema thinking what kind of crack were the producers on when they made this movie? That actor is sooo wrong and that totally didn't happen. I mean what about Rosalie? (she was the blonde vampire, in case you didn't know) she was supposed to be the most beautiful (or hot if you're a dude) girl ever. but she so was not. she wasn't ugly, but she was just not right. she had horrible hair too. it was so dull and should have been shiny or something. anyway, all in all the movie sucked but the books are still good. This was a funny re-write! :)

7/1/2009 6:15:38 AM

apple-pie

Awesome stuff.

Personally, my favorite thing about Twilight is the fans. I love to tell them that what they idolize is a piece of s**t. It doesn't stop there though, as with any loyal fan, they must now defend it!

What is their defense? These people who worship the s**t their book and author came from? Why, how many people buy into it, of course! Not once have I seen a truly legitimate counter-proposal in Twilights favor. All there is, ever, is the statement that "It sold millions, big fan base, must be good."

A lot of stupid, idiotic wastes of time have large fan bases, but that doesn't mean anything really. People think that because you can recognize hear name, that makes Meyer a good author? By no means has popularity ever decided talent, some of the best authors in the world never get the respect they deserve. My personal favorite is Piers Anthony. Man has written well, well beyond 20 books, all of which have 20x more substance than all of Meyers works combined, on literary-steroids. She, as an author, is a total failure.

Regardless of my loathsome feelings toward Meyer and anything she touches, I enjoyed this a great deal. Funny stuff.

6/30/2009 6:39:57 AM

SeeksRealTalent

Okay...
I LOVE THIS!! HAHA!! It made me laugh. A lot. ^.^

I personally hate twilight. -.- I read the book within the first week it came out ["Ooh! Look! Vampire book!! Maybe it's pretty good!!"] And.... It sucked... -.- Then the second book came out... ["Oh god... But this one has werewolves... Maybe...."] And it sucked. Then comes the third book!! ["Hahahahhaha No....... Fine... FINE FINE FINE!! SHUT UP BOOK CLERK LADY I'LL F-ING READ IT!"] And it suuuuuuuuuuuucked. The fourth book took me two months to read it cuz it sucked so bad.

Then I went to the movie with a couple of friends. It...sucked...so...bad... -.- I wanted to cry. Haha.
Went to the movie again and got kicked out for yelling at the stupid squealing fan girls. ["DUDE!!! HES NOT EVEN HOT!!! NONE OF THEM ARE!! SHUT UP AND WATCH THE CRAPPY MOVIE!!!"] Then I snuck back in... and got kicked out... again. ["HE LOOKS LIKE A f*****g SOUR SKITTLE!"] I mean, WTF??? -.-" Whatever.

This hit the nail on the head, though!! Amazing!! Haha.
Biggest thing though...
The only scene in the movie I liked was the baseball scene. C=< Haha.

6/27/2009 4:31:02 PM

Atriarch

http://thedeathofmovies.blogspot.com/2009/06/why-twilight-sucked.html

6/23/2009 12:54:15 PM

Phantomtollboy