Hate Cracked? WE'D LIKE TO SEE YOU DO BETTER! Seriously.
|
Do you think you can do better than us? Do you like to write things and make people laugh? Well we're calling your bluff. With cash.
If you've got the skills, we will pay you money to write for us from the comfort of your own home. Click here for details. NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY. Now let me back up for a moment. I recently wrote an article for Cracked.com in which I reasonably explained that I hate almost the entire internet.
This brought a torrent of responses (more than a thousand, between our comments, our forums, and Digg) that ranged from, "You are a very fat retard" to "Reading that actually gave me cancer." But as diverse as the opinions were, one sentiment was repeated over and over: "Even I can write better than that!" Or, as one commenter put it, "I could get a more coherent article by gluing a Sharpie to a dog's cock and letting it hump the page."
Oh, lulzfarmer187. You've fallen right into our trap. You see, Cracked isn't written by a room full of wealthy hipsters at the top of some New York high-rise, sipping from Starbucks cups and thinking we're God's gift to the internet. It's you. Cracked articles are written by hundreds and hundreds of total strangers just like lulzfarmer up there, people from all over the world. Teenagers, college kids, soccer moms. They've all written articles for us from the comfort of their own living rooms, most with zero professional writing experience. Their articles were read by between 150,000 and two million human beings... each.
Some of those writers then went on to write for magazines, other websites and even have gotten book deals out of it. All of them got paid cash money. And the bitches. Oh, Lord, the bitches. As one contributor pointed out, "I had my jimmy waxed every day last week." If you write for us, Cracked.com Inc. absolutely guarantees, in writing, this will happen. That was a lady, too. All you have to do is know how to write. And be funny. And hopefully like lists.
Here's the rigorous application process: You click here and say you want in. Congratulations, you've made it. It's not exactly the Navy SEALS. A couple of days later you'll be granted access to a private forum where you can suggest article ideas. We don't even make you write the article ahead of time. Just come up with the idea. If we like it, you'll get paid to write it. And that's how it should be. I spent all of my early years as a writer scared of rejection notices from editors, never knowing how to get my foot in the door. At Cracked, we think that door should be wide open, so that any talented person can have access to all the cash and boobies a writer deserves. Ladies and gentlemen, here is that door.
|
|
|
Reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Digg
Del.icio.us
FarkRecommended for Your Pleasure
-
5 Corporate Promotions That Ended in (Predictable) Disaster
by: James Greene Jr.743,992 views -
The 8 Most Insulting Attempts to Raise Money for a Cause
by: Ian Fortey599,413 views -
How to Solve The Healthcare Debate With Violence
by: Robert Brockway123,509 views -
How I Spent Last Night (According to Eye Witness Testimony)
by: Daniel O'Brien117,382 views
You are a very fat retard.
kevinklaw, as the breathtakingly more intelligent and handsome than you Dan O'Brien would put it, I would like to cordially invite you to go eat a bowl of dicks.
So, the solution to my hatred of Cracked is to write for Cracked?
That's just the type of arrogant, mindless hypocrisy that I hate Cracked for in the first place!
I'm funny.
I wish I could claim to be joking when I say this, but the sad grim truth is that I actually get most of my sociopolitical information from Cracked.com these days. I don't know exactly what will happen if I become a contributor; it seems overwhelmingly probable that, in supplying the very information upon which I myself will then thrive, I will create a logical paradox whose ramifications will unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the Genesis Planet altogether. Therefore I see no choice but to undertake this noble experiment. You SHALL sign me up. (That was assertive, right? I hope it wasn't too assertive. Would you like a cookie?)
Are the boobies paid in advance as well?
I enjoyed your article, Wong, was ass kicker stuf. BTW, Im in!
Yo, Wong.
I tried to get in on this, but the ban hasn't been lifted from my account.
Way to piss on the haters, though.
I like to see these b***h-ass complainers do better, otherwise they would reserve that criticism for a funny, well-written piece.
Piss on the haters. Piss all over their dreads.
I have ever seen this video on a HOT FREE celebrity&millionaire dating site ' ... W e a l t h y B e a u t y . c o m ... . Losts of rich people rated it.
can I plagurize mexican humor sites, translate to englais and submit them as my own, but not tell you? Ariva!
I can see it now: "Top 7 reasons cracked isn't funny anymore"
#1. White Ninja
Oh. I guess asterisks are alright too. Im dissapointed that wieners isnt blocked as well.
On my first comment, I notice a "show profanity" button.
So, if I were to say, "b***h m**********r c**k ass wieners", people would have to press a button to read the completely pointless statement "b***h m**********r c**k ass wieners"?
For those curious, the alternate name for this article was "We're running out of ideas, and aren't even going to hide it." With a subtitle reading 'all the ideas that don't win, we'll re-word and use at a later date.'
It doesn't HAVE to be a list, but how many people do you think are actually going to read your crap for s**t not a list? Like 4. 5 maybe. If I wasn't totally scared of success and money I would do this too!:D
"But it pulls in more traffic (or so Wong claims)"
Why would anyone lie about such a thing?
I bet people would be more willing to write for Cracked, were it not for the completely insane rule of everything has to be in list form. Writing like that makes it much more difficult, and far less funny. But it pulls in more traffic (or so Wong claims), and I guess thousands of people clicking a link and closing the window immediately afterwards is more important than people actually reading the articles. But hey, advertisers aren't paying for ad space so people can read things besides their ads.
no i take it back, i'd rather not do an article,thats a gay idea.besides, all the lists have been done already , the real writers are to the point of doing the 16 gayest unaired tv pilots, and historys seven least endearing shampoo commercial models.face it, the funnys gone.
Wow, this is a great oportunity. Sort of like a open casting call.
Except without the irrational fear of large wangs and chaffing from a couch one would expect!
Keep your balls dipped cracked fans!
More on News
-
Top Picks 09.01.09: Mr. T! Rambo 5! Mormons!
327,051 views -
Review of KFC's Terrifying New Double Down Sandwich
169,799 views -
Top Picks 08.18.09: Slutty Potatoes and Terrifying Plants
202,364 views -
Why Obama Makes Americans Want to Stockpile Ammo
145,524 views
-
The Men Who Stare At Goats: New Trailer
by: CRACKED21,599 views -
Curse of the Duck Hunt Dog
by: Tremendosaur68,196 views
-
Articles
-
Videos
-
Columnists
-
More Cracked
-
About
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
That was well put, man. Thanks!