The 15 Most Completely Useless iPhone Apps
One awesome thing about the iPhone is the vast ocean of low-cost software applications you can download to do just about any damned thing.
With so many choices it's hard to know just which ones to buy, and we're sorry to say we can't help you there. But if you were looking for a list of the most retarded ones, you're in luck.
#15.
Harmonica
Music synthesizers aren't anything new, but this one has the dual enhancements of portability and instantly sapping you of all dignity. You can "play" this application by running your finger along the edge, but since shame is no longer a factor we imagine its users slap that touchscreen right into their piehole.
Per their description, Harmonica is "indispensable" to "annoy your co-workers" or even "impress that pretty girl". If you believe that slobbering on your iPhone is going to be the best mack maneuver in your arsenal, you should buy it. You're probably correct.
#14.
Tickle Me!
Tickle Me! makes your iPhone touchscreen respond to your playful tickles with the uproarious laughter of a child. Disturbing? Yes. But if this functions as a release valve for pedophiles, it could be a godsend.
#13.
myLite Colored Strobe and Flashlight
This incredible technology produces colored flashing lights from your iPhone screen, which by the way is already illuminated. Per their description, "Rock concerts will never be the same with the myLite Color Flashlight by DoApp. Going clubbing and wanna be hip? Whip out the myLite -- the chicks dig it and the guys will scream out 'whoa, dude!'"
We're sure they will. Also, The app allows you to select the color of the light emitted, so it's only a matter of time before this becomes the CSI tool of choice when sweeping for semen.
#12.
EnigmaClock
God, clocks are so sickeningly predictable. Always incrementing time by standardized units and presenting them clearly. Boooooring. What modern, dynamic people need is a clock that does none of the above, often times obscuring night and day altogether.
The EnigmaClock uses a unique algorithm to present time as an elaborate mathematical riddle, so once per hour you can shove your iPhone into your friends' faces and scream "DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS? NO? THEN FUCK YOU!"
#11.
Hold On
The object of this application is to track how long you can keep a finger on a static position on the touchscreen. You can later use this data point to plug into a spreadsheet and chart precisely how much of your life is being wasted.
#10.
Alarm Free
Imagine you're walking down a dark alley, when you are approached by a hulking mass of criminality. You only have your iPhone to defend you. Fortunately, all you have to do is unlock the screen, launch this app and a faint beeping sound will usher forth to notify all SWAT teams in earshot to swoop down to your rescue.
Or, more likely, the guy who was just going to steal your watch and jewelry is probably going to opt for your iPhone as well.
#9.
iBeer
If you relish smuggling "outside beverages" into stadiums or movies, but shun actual refreshment, this product is for you. The iBeer application animates the draining of a hopped beverage, but without all of the pesky flavor, inebriation, and casual sex that comes along for the ride.
The iMilk application is likewise available for the underaged. They'll think it's hilarious, right up until their lack of actual milk intake causes early onset osteoporosis.
#8.
Pour1Out
Expanding on the above in an even more retarded way, this application allows you to simulate dumping the contents of a digital 40 ounce in memory of a dead homie. Or more likely, a fallen Elven Sorcerer that met their end in an Azeroth drive-by.
The application was sponsored by 40cozy.com, a company that literally manufactures insulating covers for 40 ouncers. They're great for birthdays and weddings!
#5 is made unnecessary by the ability to watch movie end-credits on your TV and pause them every few minutes.. Seriously, best way of getting random names is to watch the credits of some big-budget movie and pick out your favorite ones. I just did a project that was hypothetically staffed entirely by people who worked on the original Terminator movie, it was fun.
ReplyI installed a program on my laptop a few years ago that made light-saber noises when the laptop moved. I had to uninstall it because my friends would sneak into my dorm room and start swinging my MacBook around o.o It made me ever so slightly nervous...
ReplyI always scan these articles before I read them -god knows why - and when I saw #1 I thought, "What? There is no way in which that cannot be awesome". So when I read the article for real I got a little chuckle at the end.
ReplyAnyone else notice one of the names in the screenshot for #5 is "Gaylord Chasten"?
ReplyI once got a customer while working on a call center, named Dick Gaylord.
Yeah, that's an actual name..
i bought my foist iPhone so i could get the lightsaber. totally WORTH IT!
ReplyThe harmonica actually looked cool when David Choi of youtube played 'Hot and Cold' with it
ReplyThe app for names would actually be pretty useful to me. I often have trouble naming my sims in The Sims 3 because I lack imagination. Would save me having to text my friends for ideas.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replies1. Get imagination
2. Stop playing Sims
3. Shut off computer
4. Read a book
5. Make a friend
6. Remember friend's name
7. Umm... get it?
....That is one of the lamest comments I've read, and I can't believe you admitted to your own lameness.
Why is Zeravania talking in third-person, along with Mr Whatever?
f**k off Mr Whatever
I totally love the lightsaber thing, even if it is completely useless for slicing off my whiny b***h sister's head off.
ReplyI actually had phone saber-it was f*****g awesome.
ReplyYeah! f**k cats!
ReplyYeah, that *particular* Constitution app sucks, but there's a few great ones. Honestly though it's probably better to get an ebook version in the public domain and put it in iBooks. I actually have both.....why yes I am an enormous political nerd.
ReplyHahaha, you sound like my boyfriend. Or like someone he would be friends with.
As a hobby writer, if they added an algorithm that picked names based on two or three traits or characteristics you entered, I feel like it would be more useful.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesGreat Idea! I suggest an Eight Step Program.
1. Write list of names.
2. Assign traits, attributes, whatever.
3. Write algorithm in your mind. Don't tell the audience.
4. Use algorithm in your mind.
5. Choose a name all by yourself
6. Feel more useful
7. Take all the credit yourself
8. Break up with your friends. Who needs them anyway? Bunch of dorks.
Err...how do names and traits necessarily correspond? I mean, sure, 99% of people with the first name "Kanye" are going to grow up to be complete bastards, but outside of parental influence can the same be said for any other name?
It's called the internet, you should use it properly sometime. There are plenty of name websites that have lists of names associated with particular traits or characteristics. Some of these websites also come with name generators. As a hobby writer, and not a total retard, I am familiar with these websites. However, I also found that giving a brave character a name associated with bravery is kind of stupid and unoriginal.
@mr whatever WRONG! you do it like this:
Great Idea! I suggest an Eight Step Program.
1. Write list of names.
2. Assign traits, attributes, whatever.
3. Write algorithm in your mind. Don't tell the audience.
4. Use algorithm in your mind.
5. Choose a name all by yourself
6. Feel more useful
7. Take all the credit yourself
8. Break up with your friends. Who needs them anyway? Bunch of dorks.
9. ???
10. Profit
ok, Mr. Whatever, this is the third snarky comment I've seen from you ON THIS PAGE. Move along, nobody actually cares what you think.
I fully agree, i need that. but, there are actually TONS of generators, just like u wanted, FREE. o its only stupid in that they expect us to pay.
Half of these I would actually get.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNo one's stopping you.
Thank you for the information. I am dying to know WHICH HALF, but I doubt anyone else cares.
Your grammar sucks. Hard. I don't get why but is just WRONG.
@MrWhatever- You know, I dont get why you're saying that my grammar sucks when I spelled every single word completely right with no grammatical errors.
Oh wait, you're a troll. All three-or-four of your comments have at least ten more dislikes than likes, so I won't actually take you seriously.
you know, the constitution one would actually be really useful for me, being on a debate team i have to reference and counter others' references of the constitution every tournament, so having the entirety of it on hand would be really sweet.
ReplyNo search function though, so you'd have to already know what was where. And deal with the launching of the app, when a small pocket constitution might actually be more useful. Plus you could point to the pocket constitution in round and say something to the effect of "the constitution is so important to me that I keep it on my person at all times. I believe the knowledge and protection of the document our founders created for us is our greatest duty as Americans." ...not quite as powerful an image if you're pointing to your iphone.
I bought the clock, and did what you said. It worked out well.
Reply'Gaylord Chasten' isn't really a name, now, is it.
ReplyFor the RIGHT kind of character, it could very well be!
"Gaylord" is actually a real name.. just dates back to when that wouldn't have been particularly funny. Too bad for anyone stuck with it now.
who else saw the clock and thought of predator?
ReplyNames could be useful. I write short stories as a hobby. Too many Jonathans in my stories.
ReplyWatch a movie. When you get to the end credits, pause every few seconds or so. Pick out your favorite names. Mix and match. (Decide whether you're going for potentially credible ones or the utterly ridiculous ones that pop up occasionally.)
I stayed up for 29 hours straight to catch the release of #1. It is AMAZING
ReplyDork.
If you wait for more than 24 hours to get something on the internet, you're an idiot.
I just checked the website, and it declares "As Seen on Cracked! #12 on the list!"
ReplyYep.