The 6 Biggest Assholes in the Animal Kingdom
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Hippy types will often quote the famous line that "man is the only species that kills its own." Of course, any cursory glance at Animal Planet will tell you this is complete bullshit. But it's not just that animals are mindless savages--and they are--it's that some of them are just straight-up douchebags. Such as: #6.
Ants
Ants are famous for hard work and being able to lift many times their body weight, making them the perfect heroes of an Ayn Rand novel, or the perfect working drone of communism depending on who's telling the story. Why Are They Assholes?
Ants are the only species besides humans that carry out wars and enslave their own. And by enslave we mean pulling out the ant whips and putting the other guy to work against his will. When they're not doing that, they like to tear each other limb from limb. Less violent ants prefer to fight their battles via choreographed display fights where specially chosen ants have something like a dance-off to decide which side wins. It's basically like the movie Bring It On, except it ends with the losing team in chains or eaten (which would have improved that movie massively). The victors raid the other nest, capture any survivors and steal all the eggs. Survivors and newborn ants are then forced to work for the victors' nest as long as they live; or at least until their new masters get a craving for some fresh slave ant, and devour them.
#5.
Lions
Ah, the lion. The noblest of animals, always sitting majestically on top of some rock, overseeing his dominion and protecting the pride and so on. Lions are even used in reference to Jesus in the Bible, and Aslan is basically a furry Lion Christ in Narnia. Why Are They Assholes? In technical terms, lions are what Samuel L. Jackson would call "motherfuckers." If there is one thing lions love to do, it's moms. Unfortunately, female lions don't like to put out when they're raising a kid. So, when the lions want some but the kids are in the way, they walk up to the little brats and maul them to death. Then, to add insult to injury, they bone the mother ten ways till Sunday.
#4.
Cuckoos
Why Are They Assholes? Cuckoo bird parents like to use something called Brood Parasitism to raise their kids, which sounds like something involving alien monsters bursting out of their chests. The reality isn't all that much better.
What happens is female cuckoos lay their eggs in some other birds' nest, where the little baby cuckoo, already born in full-asshole-mode, will try to get rid of the nest owners' real chicks and eggs by kicking them out of the nest, sending them plunging to their doom. That way, the nest owner will feed the intruding little psychopath instead of actually raising their own young. You may be wondering why a bird would raise a cuckoo chick that obviously doesn't look anything like his real chicks. Perhaps you're imagining the male bird suspecting that the female has been having an affair with an old high school flame, never daring to confront her about it as he slowly sinks into alcoholism before blowing his own brains out with his old army pistol.
Well, no. Most birds are just really fucking stupid and they figure that if it's in their nest, it has feathers and it's asking for food, then it's probably theirs. Some birds, though, are a bit smarter and try to refuse to raise cuckoo chicks by either throwing away cuckoo eggs or even completely abandoning their own nests if all that is left is a cuckoo egg inside. And that's when they get visited by the Cuckoo Mafia. Hey, don't look at us, it's actually called the Mafia Hypothesis.
If a bird refuses to raise a cuckoo, then it gets visited by some adult cuckoos who will beat the crap out of them, trash the nest and possibly kill a few of their young in the process until the other bird wises up and stops asking questions the next time one of his kids look a little bit different. Capisce? |
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I have something to add on to the Dolphin bit. Not only do they love to kill their own, they love to torture poor, innocent Jellyfish - http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/8308796.stm
i hear ducks and mink also kill for fun (...something other than for food or territory)
Agree'd xD Although, I lol'd.
Who pissed in MoonBlood's cheerios?
Two's clip reminds me of that time I tried to figure out how Dolphins reproduce.
Surprisingly (or not, since these are the internetz), the first hit to 'Dolphin sex' doesn't lead to a biology site.
http://www.sexwork.com/family/dolphins1.html
Chimps have done that with human babies too. Never forget that we're still a part of the natural cycle; we're just winning right now.
"Either way, baby eating is sort of a dick move" lmao. I would have to agree
Male lions don't kill their own young. They kill the cubs that are offspring of other male lions.
Then the females go into heat because they have an evolutionary imperative to have offspring, and the males mate with them. The whole point of this is pretty much the entire point of evolution: spread your genes as much as possible.
But I agree, if humans behaved that way, society would be fucked up in a major way.
"Well, your boobs are looking rather large and scrumptious today, care to f**k?"
"Um...no."
"Well, how about if I kill your baby?"
"Oh, well, then yeah! Sure!"
hey kindahuge,
is that what u call ur penis? hahahahahhaha
cuckoos = black ppl huh? funny...
i suppose you identify more closely with the african bat bug. Also swinging ur dick around, poking holes in societies, religions, cultures and pretty much anything ur penis seems to be jealous of. All the while not getting any p***y. hahahahhahahaha
"That way, the nest owner will feed the intruding little psychopath instead of actually raising their own young."
Cuckoos = black people?
That dolphin video was pretty funny (especially since, at the end, the dolphin looked like he was all smiles). Though the reality would probably be much worse (Guy: Hahah--HOLY s**t GET IT OFF ME!). They've been known to be incredibly aggressive while attempting sex (with humans and other animals along with other dolphins). It could even be considered rape. So yeah I'd thikn them pretty big assholes in the wild.
Hmm, maybe they save all those humans from shark attacks because they expect a little nookie afterwards?
Moonblood has some serious issues methinks.....maybe this article brought back some bad memories, huh, diddums?
If anyone has NOT seen Cannibal Holocaust--Watch it. That movie is...just watch. Warning: A Tortoise is ripped apart.
moonblood: damn, you're dumb woman.
MoonBlood: "while we, all of ONE species, has in all likelihood already committed every single one."
And proud of it baby! Team Human, f**k yeah!
It's apparently that other 5% that's the problem...
THAT'S A LOAD OF f*****g BULLSHIT! One, there's only been one reported case of baby-killing (Jane Goodall named the only two chimps ever known to have committed baby-killing Passion and Pomme. She couldn't believe it when she observed the cannibalistic behavior that had never been seen before.)and two, us saint humans have done it also. You may argue "Not everyone! It's rare!". Well, chimps can argue that too.
In fact, this whole LIST is bullshit. All these terrible acts you're wildly accusing the animal kingdom of are spread out over a variety of species, while we, all of ONE species, has in all likelihood already committed every single one. You're applying human moral laws to an animal's natural behavior that's none of our business, and not only that, but we already broke these moral laws. I rest my case. This article? BULL. s**t!
Dolphins are also kinky sex maniacs. Dolphin foreplay involves hitting, ramming into, and biting the female in question, making dolphins less like Aquaman and more like Mike Tyson.
Wheelz, lord of all he surveys (would you like to see a new movie starring George Went?)
What makes ants even scarier is that 99% of each colony is female, so they're basicly Amazon wars.
I think the Asian Giant Hornet & African Killer Bee deserve a shared place on this list. They're guilty of the same s**t.
Dolphins also screw for fun, but they're total racists. Speaking of racists, I hear Chimps actively hunt & eat certain species of Monkey.
There's a video out there of the killer dolphins some tourists took. The thought the dolphins were playing, until they showed it to a marine biologist. He nearly wet himself when he found out what they had. It was the only known tape of dolphins tossing a porpoise around and beating it to death.
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A professor of mine told my class a story of an attempted documentary of chimpanzees and saying how peaceful and non-violent they are. Only problem that during taping they caught a gang of chimps chasing down a monkey, killing it and then presumably eating it.