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5 Candies You Hated Getting Every Halloween
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Every Halloween the youngsters' thoughts turn to candy. And minor acts of vandalism. But mostly candy. But there was always a downside to trick or treating, and not just the juvenile diabetes that kicked in a few years later. We're talking about the barely edible candies that got handed out every year, products that thrived at Halloween because it was the one time when the person who bought it wouldn't have to actually eat it. We're talking about... #5.
Wax Candy
The Main Offenders: Wax Lips, Wax Fangs The Good: Everyone remembers wax lips, and to a lesser extent, wax fangs. They were bright red, shiny and, technically, edible. Like a poor man's collagen, these oily enhancers were the closest many children would ever come to a somewhat presentable face. The Bad: It's admirable that the manufacturers didn't attempt to disguise the product with a misleading name or fancy packaging. They came right out and told you, "That's a candle in your mouth, dipshit."
Not to mention the fact that to keep the lips and fangs attached to your face, you were required to bite down (ever so gently) on an extra piece of wax protruding from the inside of the "lips," making speech unintelligible on top of everything else. Likelihood of Being Physically Injured by the Candy: This was pretty safe by itself, if you didn't mind shitting a turd-shaped candle the next day. Of course if you were smart enough to abstain from actually eating it, you and your friends probably still wound up passing it from mouth to mouth, spreading colds and maybe even a case of Measles. Or herpes, depending on the crowd you ran with.
We must also consider the danger of being physically attacked by someone else due to the candy. Since it prominently displays itself in the dead-center of your face at all times, you couldn't really hide the fact that you were eating something retarded. Like, say, a mouth-shaped candle. On the plus side, the wax candy doubles as a mouth guard, which you most likely needed. #4.
Candy Jewelry
The Main Offenders: Candy necklaces, Ring Pops The Good: It's tasty! It's fashionable! It will gain you the respect of your peers, catch the eye of that boy you've been after, and give you a delicious reprieve from the sheer torture that is your adolescence. It's the best of both worlds! The Bad: The whole edible clothing/accessory thing is really better in theory than practice. Like those novelty edible panties, you don't put them back on after they're partially eaten. Not so with the candy necklace, which the little girl (or effeminate boy, we suppose) was sure to put in their mouth, then around their neck, then around their wrist, then on their friend's wrist, then in their friend's mouth. It'd be disgusting even if the candy didn't taste like chalk.
The Ring Pop is no better, the whole point is to suck on the thing while it's still on your finger. Soon you wound up wearing a sticky glove of red saliva. Likelihood of Being Physically Injured by the Candy: Take all of the disease concerns we had about the wax candy and double it, since you've basically got a kid sporting a ring of loogies around his or her neck. Also, Ring Pops always scratched the shit out your finger. #3.
Tobacco-Themed Candy
The Main Offenders: Candy Cigarettes, Bubble Gum Cigars, Big League Chew The Good: Look at you, all grown up! Pretending to use tobacco and emulate the beautiful people like Marilyn Monroe, Pierce Brosnan, and Popeye. The world has long since pussied-out on the whole "candy carcinogen" thing, but many of us still have fond memories of these from our childhoods. Until we started smoking for real at the age of 12. The Bad: Yes you think you look cool, but in reality you're just another poser, kid. That may sound harsh, but if you really thought chewing on the end of a bubble gum cigar would earn you the respect of your friends and strike fear into the hearts of your enemies a la Tony Soprano, you were in for one of those brutal lessons about growing up.
Not to mention that once again the candy makers, confident that the fun shape would carry sales, didn't bother to inject any kind of flavor into any of these. We said the candy necklaces tasted like chalk? We're not completely sure that candy cigarettes weren't actual sticks of chalk. Likelihood of Being Physically Injured by the Candy: Big League Chew and gum cigars were just shaped bubble gum, no harm there. But as for the candy cigarettes ... you know you tried to light that shit. |
Why's this in the celebrity section?
Jah, I'm doing a bad thing here.
PEOPLE, THE DEFINITION FOR FUN DIP IN URBANDICTIONARY IS:
"A sex move which combines the Alabama Hot Pocket with a b*****b. The guy takes a s**t in the girl's p***y, then dips his penis into it, getting s**t all over his dick. The girl then licks the s**t off of his dick, like the popular sugar candy "fun-dip". (Optional)- The guy can be wearing a minty/fruity condom so that it tastes like the stick used in the candy."
*Shivers* Okay, you warned me. That's gross.
Okay, now I HAVE to look it up...
This article is sheer bunk. I loved every one of those except the wax. Just because you personally hated the gods that were Candy Buttons, Now and Laters, candy jewelry, and candy cigarettes, doesn't mean most people hated them. Most folks I knew loved them all.
While I never tried to snort a Pixy Stick, my husband did, his sister & brother, the kids across the street, the kid next to me on the bus.....dumb asses
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I hate to burst your bubble, but candy necklaces, candy cigs, candy buttons, pixie stix, and fun dip? You realize that you spent half of this hating on some of the most popular summer candies?
Fond memories of hiding those damn candy cigs from the folks, though.
Oh, and big league chew? Introduced to steer baseball players away from chewing tobacco and towards gum, instead.
p.s. I generally adore this site. Just don't diss my childhood candy. Go back to hating on movies and stuff...way more fun.
I lost a tooth to some "now and later" one time when i was about 7.
Grape that is.
Why the hell is this in the celebrities category?
big leage chew isn't made to resemble chewing tobacco, it's just mad that way to chew easer. and those now and laters only take like 30 seconds to chew up and swallow
i used to eat wax lips. i regretted it every time, but i kept forgetting how bad they tasted.
What about candy corn? I still wonder what inspired that. Corn + Halloween + smelly sweatsock taste? Mmmm..boy! I saw someone post about losing their filling to bit o honey. Me too, but boy, that candy is still tasty.
Anyone ever get cough drops when they were a kid doing Halloween?
I wonder if any kid was given pop rocks by a weird neighbor on Halloween and then given a coke to go with it?
Anyone get "smart tarts"...not even in a wrapper but out of the package? I hated those things.
When I was a kid,and had recently moved to New Hampshire, my mom took me and cousins out for Halloween. Most people didn't celebrate it there and they ended up giving us a ton of peanut brittle. Still, those DO taste good.
The word 'candy' has now lost all meaning in my mind.
You forgot Mary-Janes and Bit-O-Honey in the "ripping out fillings" department. Come to think of it, Skittles are pretty bad in that department. DOTS, Black Crows, Tootsie-rools and Jujubees are pretty good at sucking out your dental work too.
NECCO seems to be a repeat offender in the novelty candy department. I think they made those candy buttons specifically with medical-grade adhesive on purpose so they absolutely wouldn't come off the paper. Bastards. Of course, these are the same people that gave us the NECCO wafer. A lot of bad candy seems to come out of New England.
You forgot wax bottles...full of sugary goo. I never did quite understand the point of eating a candle nor did I ever understand if you were actually supposed to eat it or just suck out the sugar syrup.
When I was in 6th grade I chipped my tooth and had a crown put on it. One day I tried to bite into a Now & Later... pulled the crown right off. I still ate it. The Now & Later. OK, I ate the crown, too. It was every bit as good as a candy button.
Omg candy cigs I forgot about those ... and yes they did make me feel cool lol
Did anyone else immediately look up fun dip on urbandictionary? Thought so. Did anyone else subsequently get a great idea for their weekend? No? Not so much? ...whatever, f**k you guys.
Huh. I like Candy Corn, a lot. One of my favorite parts of Halloween.
I grew up in south Florida and we used to get oranges in our treat bags, from more than one household. Usually elderly Jewish folks from New York who only came down in the winter, before you could get citrus fruit in the winter in the Northeast and it was considered a valuable commodity or something. Imagine my joy and pleasure in receiving a big damn fruit instead of candy, not to mention lugging 10 or 12 of the bastards around the rest of the neighborhood.
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AndrogynousCat
I lost two teeth in one piece of now and later, and the first tooth wasn't even loose. Good thing they were both baby teeth.