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Every Halloween the youngsters' thoughts turn to candy. And minor acts of vandalism. But mostly candy. But there was always a downside to trick or treating, and not just the juvenile diabetes that kicked in a few years later. We're talking about the barely edible candies that got handed out every year, products that thrived at Halloween because it was the one time when the person who bought it wouldn't have to actually eat it. We're talking about... #5.
Wax Candy
The Main Offenders: Wax Lips, Wax Fangs The Good: Everyone remembers wax lips, and to a lesser extent, wax fangs. They were bright red, shiny and, technically, edible. Like a poor man's collagen, these oily enhancers were the closest many children would ever come to a somewhat presentable face. The Bad: It's admirable that the manufacturers didn't attempt to disguise the product with a misleading name or fancy packaging. They came right out and told you, "That's a candle in your mouth, dipshit."
Not to mention the fact that to keep the lips and fangs attached to your face, you were required to bite down (ever so gently) on an extra piece of wax protruding from the inside of the "lips," making speech unintelligible on top of everything else. Likelihood of Being Physically Injured by the Candy: This was pretty safe by itself, if you didn't mind shitting a turd-shaped candle the next day. Of course if you were smart enough to abstain from actually eating it, you and your friends probably still wound up passing it from mouth to mouth, spreading colds and maybe even a case of Measles. Or herpes, depending on the crowd you ran with.
We must also consider the danger of being physically attacked by someone else due to the candy. Since it prominently displays itself in the dead-center of your face at all times, you couldn't really hide the fact that you were eating something retarded. Like, say, a mouth-shaped candle. On the plus side, the wax candy doubles as a mouth guard, which you most likely needed. #4.
Candy Jewelry
The Main Offenders: Candy necklaces, Ring Pops The Good: It's tasty! It's fashionable! It will gain you the respect of your peers, catch the eye of that boy you've been after, and give you a delicious reprieve from the sheer torture that is your adolescence. It's the best of both worlds! The Bad: The whole edible clothing/accessory thing is really better in theory than practice. Like those novelty edible panties, you don't put them back on after they're partially eaten. Not so with the candy necklace, which the little girl (or effeminate boy, we suppose) was sure to put in their mouth, then around their neck, then around their wrist, then on their friend's wrist, then in their friend's mouth. It'd be disgusting even if the candy didn't taste like chalk.
The Ring Pop is no better, the whole point is to suck on the thing while it's still on your finger. Soon you wound up wearing a sticky glove of red saliva. Likelihood of Being Physically Injured by the Candy: Take all of the disease concerns we had about the wax candy and double it, since you've basically got a kid sporting a ring of loogies around his or her neck. Also, Ring Pops always scratched the shit out your finger. #3.
Tobacco-Themed Candy
The Main Offenders: Candy Cigarettes, Bubble Gum Cigars, Big League Chew The Good: Look at you, all grown up! Pretending to use tobacco and emulate the beautiful people like Marilyn Monroe, Pierce Brosnan, and Popeye. The world has long since pussied-out on the whole "candy carcinogen" thing, but many of us still have fond memories of these from our childhoods. Until we started smoking for real at the age of 12. The Bad: Yes you think you look cool, but in reality you're just another poser, kid. That may sound harsh, but if you really thought chewing on the end of a bubble gum cigar would earn you the respect of your friends and strike fear into the hearts of your enemies a la Tony Soprano, you were in for one of those brutal lessons about growing up.
Not to mention that once again the candy makers, confident that the fun shape would carry sales, didn't bother to inject any kind of flavor into any of these. We said the candy necklaces tasted like chalk? We're not completely sure that candy cigarettes weren't actual sticks of chalk. Likelihood of Being Physically Injured by the Candy: Big League Chew and gum cigars were just shaped bubble gum, no harm there. But as for the candy cigarettes ... you know you tried to light that shit. |
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Read this article yesterday, then went to the warehouse store to buy candy for the shop I manage - our mall does trick or treat for the kids.
It was very hard not to stock up on Now and Laters and Ring Pops - which are freakin' cheap when you buy them in bulk!
Should've got them for the teenagers who can't be bothered with costumes in order to get free junk food.
Dude, you pretty much outlined some of the best candies of all time! I think you have forgotten how electrifyingly delicious sugar is when you are a small child. Sugar rushes are like orgasms for kids.
Actually, you can buy candy cigarettees in very small towns.
that's where I get mine.
they do taste like chalk, though...
Bullshit. Now 'n Laters are awesome. So is Fun Dip.
b***h.
Hey, say wat you will about Big League Chew, but I still think that stuff is some of the best gum i've ever had.
how about being injured by someone else with a candy necklace? what kid hasn't bit half a candy bead while holding the elastic tight in order to turn the other half of the bead into a tiny little projectile! perhaps not deadly but, if you aimed well and held tight enough, they could almost sting.
i lol'd when i read on urban dictionary when it said, Optional)- The guy can be wearing a minty/fruity condom so that it tastes like the stick used in the candy
When I was 10 a kid dared me to snort grape Koolaide. I did and gagged!
Great article now and laters do take forever to eat.
And fun dip is so disgusting why did i look it up
Why did you have to bring up the fun dip on Urban Dictionary? Ew.
i looked it up no more fun dip for me
The hell? I loved half of the candy mentioned here. Big League Chew, Now'n'laters, Candy Cigarettes, Pixy sticks, Fun Dip.
But holy crap...do NOT look up Fun Dip in the Urban Dictionary. Seriously. There's just some things people shouldn't do.
Where the heck is Good n plenty. Worst candy ever, they might as well have called it Barf'n plenty. X(
I'm embarrassed to say that I actually like fun dip. The candy, not the other thing... Never snorted pixie sticks, but thanks for putting it in my head.
Necco wafers....BLARF!
Fun dip
when a girl sucks a guys dick then dips it in coke and she sucks it off then does a line off the shaft.
or in the girls case her nipples.
"Carly fun dipped michael last night, she was so fucked up!"
Why the hell was this in the "Celebrities" folder?
To be serious, I like now and laters. o:
Snorting fizz whizz is fun! Admittedly, its enough to make a grown man cry, but fun nonetheless.
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Okay now n' laters are the best candy ever. I remember trading other cadies for them.