The 6 Most Obnoxious (And Unavoidable) Facebook Groups
When Facebook emerged on the scene in early 2004, it was the plucky young challenger to big bad MySpace. Over time, Facebook has risen to dominance by offering its users a far longer list of ways to annoy their friends to the point of physical violence.
The worst of the annoyance techniques has to be the copious and utterly pointless group invites which come standard with any account. You may recognize them as...
#6.
Facebook's Latest Feature has been Sent to Destroy Us!
Why You Invited Us:
Human beings thrive on familiarity. It's a big warm blanket in a cold, scary world. We've been using the Facebook we know and love for years, and now they went and changed it! Join this group to force them to change it back and keep it that way forever!
Why We Unfriended You:
For starters, you haven't been using Facebook as you now know it for years. It has evolved constantly in that time, and each innovation has been treated as a crisis, causing the community to descend on Mark Zuckerberg's e-house like it was Frankenstein's mansion.
Or, at least, to swear to never use Facebook again.
Of course, you came to accept all those changes with time, maybe even came to enjoy some of them. But more importantly from Facebook's point of view, you're not going anywhere and they know it.
So for the seven people from this group that actually do stop using Facebook, there will be 100,000 new profiles created... today.
#5.
If 1,000,000 People Join this Group, I Will Do Something Wacky
Why You Invited Us:
The whole internet social networking phenomenon came about thanks to modern man's almost pathological need for attention. Also, among Facebook users there is still a large demographic of college-age males who will risk life and limb just to finally get someone to look at them.
"A million members and I'm gonna drink this semen!"
Why We Unfriended You:
First of all, we're probably not getting this invite from the actual guy offering to do the stunt. No, far more likely, it's coming from somebody else, spreading the gospel of Billy: The guy who will fuck a goat. We guess everybody needs something to believe in.
"999,999 people joined. Holy shit this is on. This is so on."
Now, we admit we're mildly amused by the thought of a guy whose parents are spending thousands of dollars on his education say, setting fire to his grundle hair at the urging of enough strangers.
But we all know that none of these groups actually end with the stunt being performed. Our attention whore who started the whole thing knew he'd never hit that ludicrous target and was just hoping to get an "Oh, you're so silly," and a good-natured pat from the cute girl down the hall he's too scared to actually start a real conversation with.
"Here, take my card. I almost drank semen."
But even if he was willing, it's still asking us to earn our internet entertainment. Handing out Facebook invites isn't a lot of effort, granted, but it sure is a lot less to just click on over to thousands of existing videos on YouTube of dudes trying to ramp their dirtbike off the roof of their house.
That's the way it should work; you put out the effort, then we decide if you're worth the attention. Now grab the peanut butter and the camera, and climb into the lion's cage. How else will you ever get people to like you?
#4.
Join this Group to Fight [Insert World Problem Here]
Why You Invited Us:
The world we live in today is filled with bad things. You might have heard about this on the news. So when a little invitation pops up for a group preaching awareness and compassion over the latest horror to inflict itself on humanity, it feels good to click "Accept." Inviting others to do the same feels even better.
You're part of the solution.
"I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna save Africa."
Why We Unfriended You:
No, you're not.
"I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna watch Gossip Girl on Hulu.
While there are people out there who put in huge amounts of their spare time and energy for these causes, there are far more whose commitment to Darfur ends at "Send Invitations."
It's not helping. It's the opposite. It's what people do to alleviate the guilt of not helping while continuing to not help. Once you've sent the invite on to enough people to feel like you've done your good deed, you move on to drawing penises on your friends' graffiti walls.
It's like the social networking version of Live Earth. How many of the people in attendance were there because they wanted to save the environment, and how many were simply jumping at the opportunity to look like they cared while seeing top musicians for free (or in some cases the opportunity to be baked enough to pretend they weren't watching Akon gyrating with no shirt on)?
And if you do decide to get up and actually donate to a good cause, please, please don't start one of these...
Hmm, I just thought of a good adaptation to #3. The same thing basically, but people can add themselves as donaters. So they can either join, or pledge to donate in the same way as the creator (for more or less money, or the same of course.) So original guy may donate $10 for every 1000 members, but others can pledge to donate $1 for every 1000 instead of just joining.
ReplyThe worst have to be those infuriating posts that say "If you don't like this picture you are personally punching God in the dick, you asshole!"
ReplyEvery day on my Facebook there is either " click here and this poor kid will get a free life saving operation" with a terribly sad picture included or "this dog is going to be euthanized Monday if no one adopts him" with a picture of a cute dog that you don't want to see killed but is in a far away state. I changed my settings to "don't show in news feed"
Reply"please, please don't start one of these..."
Reply-
"New singles in your area!"
It's alright cracked, I understand your concern, but I wasn't planning on starting any lie-filled (lie filled, not pie filled. Although I might at least join a dating site if it was filled with pie...me and pie are a good match for each other) dating sites where I attempt to lure gullible young gentlemen into joining by showing them a picture of a moderately attractive woman who obviously isn't a member of my site or wouldn't date them if she was so that I can feed off their misery and loneliness like the sweetest of nectars. But thank you for looking out for me anyway!
You forgot the worst ones: "I am against killing puppies with a shovel. If you don't immediately copy and paste this as your status, you hate puppies." Or something along those lines.
ReplyHow many facebook users does it take to change a lightbulb?
ReplyZero. They're too busy making "boycott fakebook" groups whenever something has been changed to notice that the lightbulb itself needs to be changed.
Asian b***h in that picture needs to make me some f*****g sammiches.
ReplyFing glorious
Read "The 7 most obnoxious fake personalities on the internet."
You sir, are a "badass"
I loved the "Gossip Girl" caption, but am sort of amazed that a racist group would get behind Kevin Kolb. Philadelphia sports teams consistently have more even race ratios than other cities (see Wayne Simmonds).
Replyyou obviously did not get the joke.
You didn't mention the new Tautology club groups: If a million people join this group it will have a million people in it.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesActually, that one's kind of witty...
@Enika. No it's not.
Actually, xkcd.
"It's not helping. It's the opposite. It's what people do to alleviate the guilt of not helping while continuing to not help." No actually, that would be prayer.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesLooks like someone just got told, and it's not the people who pray.
Not to mention baseless douchebaggery against Religious types in an article that HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH RELIGION AT ALL.
yay, let's all like this person's comment because it was contraversial and witty! Let's make fun of those Christians for no reason whatsoever just so we can let everyone know about our atheism so they subsequently pat us on the back for our dickheadedness even though this article had nothing to do with religion.
Why we unfriended you:
ReplyBecause we're attention-seeking dicks who accept hundreds of friend requests from people we don't know and don't give a s**t about, and who are consequently completely expendable.
Holy s**t thank you so much for pointing that out. You cannot believe the amount of friends stupid 12 year olds have, and how many of them swear (bullshit) that they know them all. It drives me insane.
Facebook sucks the sweaty hairs on the balls of that scribbly drawing.
ReplyNow this is why I don't have a Facebook. Or a Twitter, for that matter.
ReplyIf I get ten thumbs up on this comment I wont wash my hands after my next trip to the bathroom
Replythere are literally thousands of eight year olds that do that without getting any thumbs, not impressive :3
bannana886, at the time I'm writing this your comment has 48 thumbs up... I think that's the most thumbs up I've ever seen on a Cracked comment before! Yay!
What have I learned today? grundle hair and extreme ironing. Thanks, Cracked!
ReplyA kid at my school made a group called "If 1,000 people join I will wear a banana costume to school." That's about half the kids at our school. Nobody would join, so he had to change the number to 800, then 750. Finally, at 500, enough people joined and he wore the costume. I saw him for like three seconds, but those three seconds were awesome.
ReplySo he was an attention-whore who whored for attention just for the opportunity to whore for more attention?
What was stopping him from wearing the banana costume before he started the group?
hes gonna grow up to be an actual whore, and not a very good one since he lowers his price so easily.
Now you're not even invited to join a group,your freaking friends do it for u on ur behalf. The s**t part is that there's no escape/delete button!!! You're stuck in there!
ReplyYou can leave a group
You can leave. Sounds like you're too blind to notice there's an option to leave.
i actually joined the group "if 1 million people join this i will slam my nuts in the door" because the whole thing is a jake and amir joke. (from the episode "facebook privacy")
ReplyYou forgot groups that do the same thing as other existing groups but have far less members.
Reply...it got Betty White to host, didn't it?...
ReplyYes, but here in Australia in brought back the TV show "Hey, Hey, it's Saturday", which offended everyone in the US by having people in blackface in its first week, then got pulled a few weeks after when everyone remembered why it was canned in the first place.