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7 College Scholarships That Require Absolutely No Talent
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Paying for college is hard. Sure, there are scholarships out there, but you've got to be some kind of great athlete or genius, right? Not necessarily. Lucky for you, there are groups who have scholarship money sitting around that they pretty much give out just for the hell of it. Who knows, maybe you qualify for... #7.
The Tall Club Scholarship
Do you hit your head on ceiling fans? Are people constantly asking if you play basketball? Then this scholarship is for you. Before you know it you'll be ducking under the doorways to the best colleges money can buy (for a thousand dollars, anyway). How Can You Get It? You have to be a male, at least 6'2'' or a female at least 5'10'. We're not sure if they measure you or make you get something off a really tall shelf or what.
Though looking at their requirements up there, is 6'2" really considered so freakishly tall as to be debilitating? An average-sized dude with really tall hair would qualify. Do they take that into account? Also, you do have to write an essay titled, "what being tall means to me." There is no minimum for the amount of words in the essay, because the tall club realizes that being tall isn't a skill and it should probably mean nothing to you, except for possibly having to shop at a special store for your clothes and the ability to intimidate anybody who tries to drive the lane. #6.
The Van Valkenburg Memorial Scholarship
Are you sick of people making fun of your last name? Do you wish you could shove it back in their faces? Oh, also, does your last name happen to be Van Valkenburg? Well if you apply for the Van Valkenburg Memorial Scholarship you could be a thousand bucks closer to a college education. How Can You Get It? It's simple, just have the last name, you guessed it, Van Valkenburg, or a slight variation thereof. Vern Valkenhurg is perfectly acceptable apparently. That's right, no special talent required, you just have to have the name.
Wait, can you just change your name to that and collect the money? No, we checked. It seems this was set up for descendents of a specific family (Lambert and Annetje Van Valkenburg) who came to America in 1643. And descendents of their spouses. And, just for the hell of it, descendents of anybody else who, by pure coincidence, happen to have that same name. What if you're a female Van Valkenburg but have already gotten married and changed the name? What if your real name is Terrance Van Valkenburg, but you're known by your rapper name, T-Pain?
Well, we guess you'll have to explain that in the required 500-word essay, where you talk about how awesome it is to be a Van Valkenburg and why you deserve to be paid for it. #5.
The Frederick and Mary F. Beckley Scholarship
Fredrick and Mary F. Beckley suffered something that no human being should be made to suffer, cursed from birth as if crushed by the boot of fate itself. That's right, they were left handed. But, fortunately they survived their curse and now are reaching out to help others via a scholarship for those with the same affliction. How Can You Get It? You have to be a student of Juniata college in Huntington, Pennsylvania, and also be left handed. Two students will get it, and once more we're not quite sure how they test it. Do they tie your right hand behind your back and see if you can still catch a baseball hurled at your face? What if you're ambidextrous? Those lucky ambidextrous bastards shouldn't be allowed to get it, should they?
We don't see where this one requires an essay, but if it does you'd better not let them catch you writing that shit with your right hand. #4.
The Duck Brand Duct Tape Scholarship
Duck brand Duct Tape can be used for anything. Tape a duct? Duct tape. Makeshift lint roller? Duct tape. Horrible open wound? Duct tape. Make a ridiculous article of clothing in order to win a scholarship? Duct tape. How Can You Get It? Design a full male and female prom ensemble out of duct tape. The best one wins a $6,000 scholarship. The only downside is that horrible sticky residue that stays on even after you have ripped off all of your skin.
Though, looking at the incredibly elaborate outfits previous winners made, we'd have to think that the minimum requirement here is several hundred dollars' worth of tape and several months of work. So you couples out there, don't think you can just wander in with the girl looking like Leeloo from The Fifth Element and the guy wearing nothing but a new roll of tape hung around his erect penis. That shit ain't gonna fly. |
I, in all seriousness, have the last name VanValkenburg. I've known about the scholarship for awhile. I still think it's hilarious. Too bad I'm not tall otherwise I could have TWO scholarships! Or good with duct tape... pity.
Oh well. I guess I'll just got with VanValkenburg :]
Dear Josh Slocum, you are a nerd. Righty baseball players wear gloves on their left hand, thus allowing a ball "hurled" at your face to be caught by exclusively "non-cursed" individuals, and passing your scholarship test.
Just to go for the super-specialized-minority type scholarship, I offer an (unnamed) scholarship offered at my high school. It has never been claimed, and probably never will be at this point (it's pretty damn old). The requirements:
1) Red hair
2) Left handed
3) Female
4) Lived your whole life on Cruso Rd.
Yep. That's all.
Ferreting out the truth requires the ability to read between the lines.
okay i have to point out that making a duct tape dress/suit is f*****g HARD. i've made two so far, both with corsets. my first one took me 2 weeks and my second one i'm not finished yet but have been working on for 2 & a half weeks already.
you need talent to be able to do that one, so i think that should be taken off.
Left handed people catch with their right hands and throw with their left. duh.
That was hilarious. Well dome.
Yes... far too late. I sadly realised a while ago that all the best festering, heinous comments have been done away with... *sigh*
I heard there was a race war! Am I too late?
Vaccines don't cause autism, salsa does! Salsa beat out ketchup as the number one selling condiment during the period when autism cases were on the rise. Get your s**t right!
Somewhere on this planet, there is a person who can get every single one of these scholarships.
I would like to shake their hand. And then tell them you're still in the hole $50,000.
And on another hand, we have Slightly_sane who has no sense of humor and believes that the commentors on a humor site actually believe the things they type here. Sit down, Slightly_sane; you're not changing the world.
And if I may: could you put your nose close to my anus for a lil' minute?........wait.......wait............wait..........**BRRRAAAAAAPPPPPP!!!!** HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!!!
To think all those times I have to study to not lose my scholarship, while all I had to do was become Mrs. Van Valkenburg.
By the way guys, you already used that fat white cat photo.
Does Cracked offer any scolarships? Like, "The Anchorman Crew Memorial" scolarship or the "The best 7 reasons we should give you a scolarship" scolarship?
I suspected WackBatman wasn't serious when the site he referred to didn't exist (mine did though, so yes, you're a black hole of failure PAC1990). But since the actual truth in his post was hidden to those who already didn't know, maybe either Jenna_Tullwortz or Wacky himself could enlighten us?
thank you slightly_sane for not being so f*****g retarded
goddamn i hate stupid black people who come up with such f*****g stupid excuses and still f*****g complain about slavery your own f*****g people sold you into slavery so blame them instead you stupid f****r
Ah, here we have Whackman: the type of guy who agrees with everything Jeremiah Wright says about how "the white people made AIDs to kill the minorities". And on the other hand we have our white supremecist ultimatedoras, who probably lives in a trailer trying to figure out how hes going to bang his sister each night. Both are wrong, and stupid beyond reason. AIDs started in Africa where it was somehow contracted from monkeys. And no particular race is better than the other.
I think these scholarships are cool. I know a lot of girls who hate sports, alocohol, tobacco and aren't particularly fat. They should just relabel it the Girl nerd scholarship though. It could be aminority type deal.
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Slightly_sane
Im sorry ultimatedorras, I just assumed you were being serious because I actually expect attempts at humor to be funny. But I can see why I didn't think of it that way due to your little fart joke there (oh how clever of you. Want a cookie?) My conclusion: you have the maturatiy of a 7 year-old and I just don't like kids or fart jokes. In case you didn't understand any of that: you just basically took a metaphorical beating to your undeveloped nether-regions.