7 College Scholarships That Require Absolutely No Talent
Paying for college is hard. Sure, there are scholarships out there, but you've got to be some kind of great athlete or genius, right?
Not necessarily. Lucky for you, there are groups who have scholarship money sitting around that they pretty much give out just for the hell of it. Who knows, maybe you qualify for...
#7.
The Tall Club Scholarship
Do you hit your head on ceiling fans? Are people constantly asking if you play basketball? Then this scholarship is for you. Before you know it you'll be ducking under the doorways to the best colleges money can buy (for a thousand dollars, anyway).
How Can You Get It?
You have to be a male, at least 6'2'' or a female at least 5'10'. We're not sure if they measure you or make you get something off a really tall shelf or what.
Though looking at their requirements up there, is 6'2" really considered so freakishly tall as to be debilitating? An average-sized dude with really tall hair would qualify. Do they take that into account?
Also, you do have to write an essay titled, "what being tall means to me." There is no minimum for the amount of words in the essay, because the tall club realizes that being tall isn't a skill and it should probably mean nothing to you, except for possibly having to shop at a special store for your clothes and the ability to intimidate anybody who tries to drive the lane.
#6.
The Van Valkenburg Memorial Scholarship
Are you sick of people making fun of your last name? Do you wish you could shove it back in their faces? Oh, also, does your last name happen to be Van Valkenburg?
Well if you apply for the Van Valkenburg Memorial Scholarship you could be a thousand bucks closer to a college education.
How Can You Get It?
It's simple, just have the last name, you guessed it, Van Valkenburg, or a slight variation thereof. Vern Valkenhurg is perfectly acceptable apparently. That's right, no special talent required, you just have to have the name.
Wait, can you just change your name to that and collect the money? No, we checked. It seems this was set up for descendents of a specific family (Lambert and Annetje Van Valkenburg) who came to America in 1643. And descendents of their spouses. And, just for the hell of it, descendents of anybody else who, by pure coincidence, happen to have that same name.
What if you're a female Van Valkenburg but have already gotten married and changed the name? What if your real name is Terrance Van Valkenburg, but you're known by your rapper name, T-Pain?
Van Valkenburg, about to make it rain.
Well, we guess you'll have to explain that in the required 500-word essay, where you talk about how awesome it is to be a Van Valkenburg and why you deserve to be paid for it.
#5.
The Frederick and Mary F. Beckley Scholarship
Fredrick and Mary F. Beckley suffered something that no human being should be made to suffer, cursed from birth as if crushed by the boot of fate itself. That's right, they were left handed.
But, fortunately they survived their curse and now are reaching out to help others via a scholarship for those with the same affliction.
How Can You Get It?
You have to be a student of Juniata college in Huntington, Pennsylvania, and also be left handed. Two students will get it, and once more we're not quite sure how they test it. Do they tie your right hand behind your back and see if you can still catch a baseball hurled at your face? What if you're ambidextrous? Those lucky ambidextrous bastards shouldn't be allowed to get it, should they?
We don't see where this one requires an essay, but if it does you'd better not let them catch you writing that shit with your right hand.
#4.
The Duck Brand Duct Tape Scholarship
Duck brand Duct Tape can be used for anything. Tape a duct? Duct tape. Makeshift lint roller? Duct tape. Horrible open wound? Duct tape. Make a ridiculous article of clothing in order to win a scholarship? Duct tape.
How Can You Get It?
Design a full male and female prom ensemble out of duct tape. The best one wins a $6,000 scholarship. The only downside is that horrible sticky residue that stays on even after you have ripped off all of your skin.
Though, looking at the incredibly elaborate outfits previous winners made, we'd have to think that the minimum requirement here is several hundred dollars' worth of tape and several months of work. So you couples out there, don't think you can just wander in with the girl looking like Leeloo from The Fifth Element and the guy wearing nothing but a new roll of tape hung around his erect penis. That shit ain't gonna fly.
If you were a really tall, fat, lazy, tee-totaling, left-handed girl named Van Valkenburg, you could really clean up, without even having to learn Klingon or make clothes from duct tape!
ReplyMy high school boyfriend and I did the duct tape thing for my senior year prom. Between his three-piece suit, my dress, our taped-over shoes, and the boutonnierre and corsage, we spent about $40 dollars between us. Looked sick but didn't win. The only bad part was how damn sweaty you get.
ReplyHey, the tall club one makes me happy. Probably because I'm applying for it next month.
ReplyThat left-handed scholarship seems suspicious. I mean, it's downright sinister.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI see what you did there
Me too
Wait; is THAT why the guy's called Dexter on the t.v. show?
@EminenceGris the name comes from the Latin word for left, which was similar to the word for sinister
If I were rich, I would create the "Garrett Petersen Scholarship for Randomly Selected Youths". It would be really helpful for researchers...
ReplyI don't apply for any of these scholarships! Maybe I could go for the Gertrude J. Deppen one, but I don't think I could not drink. Or move around. Or take prescriptions. Or...
ReplyI think making that duct tape suit would take at least a little bit of talent.
ReplySo does learning a fake language, even if it IS completely useless.
Damn it, if only I lived in the USA! I could go and get the Gertrude J. Deppen scholarship. :(
Replybaby you can get a...."come over to my place,hop in on my window-less van and sit right next to those large black trash-bags where an average size vic...woman would fit" :p also ... free moustache rides
ambidextrous people are the devil's minions
Replyright handed people catch with their left hand dumbass
ReplyUgh, left handed people are the worst.
ReplyWe can destroy you, left-handed style.
Batman is eligible for the Tall Club. Double whammy.
Replyif they give out scholarships for being fat, they should also give them out for cigarette smokers
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNo kidding. My habit costs almost as much as school, dammit! Well, not quite but whatever. (I'm being a smart ass people. I don't actually think I deserve money because I inhale cancer causing smoke. But people who are fat aren't exactly better role models either, except in the rare cases where it's a medical condition).
^that was the joke
Fat people are better role models than smokers. Just barely, though.
I'm a left hander, but I don't need every little thing I use to be made specially for Left-handed people, because I'm not a retard. I don't need special can openers, scissors, notebooks, shirts, etc. I write and play sports left handed, but I use my right hand for everything else. I don't need your stupid scholarship.
Replyare you sure you dont need a scholarship especially for lefthanded people? it was designed with you in mind.
Wtf? Left handed shirts?
Oh well.
The only thing that gets me is those godamn scissors.
No mention of the million and a half scholarships handed out for nothing other than being black?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesOdd.
Not to mention every other minority! And yet, somehow it's considered "racist" to give a scholarship to white people.
Yeh I guess helping an entire race of people who have been the victim of a forced mass migration, who were put into high density housing and have been persecuted by fringe groups for asking to access the same rights afforded to the people who forced them there is soooo wrong.... Oh that's sarcasm by the way.
Well. I can't be too butt-hurt by this comment but it still isn't very well thought out. It chaps my ass that "mothers" get a s**t ton of scholarships. Guess what?! I wasn't a dumbass and am waiting to have kids until I finish school! What a frickin' concept, I know. This snark doesn't apply to people going back a second time or what not. But seriously, people get rewarded for screwing up. I can hardly find any scholarships for married women with OUT kids.
On the other side though, people don't choose to be born a minority and discriminated against. I'm not some nut, I think women overwhelmingly have broken the glass cieling. But minorities do get discriminated against, it just isn't blatant like it used to be. There are countless studies that prove this.
@Gr33n
In the US, those forced mass migrations, high density housing, etc. don't happen anymore. There are laws against it. And the people getting the scholarships for being black never experienced any of these things. They weren't born when they happened. And if they were asking for the SAME RIGHTS, either there should be scholarships for being white or no scholarships for being black. Otherwise, they're asking for more rights than those who oppressed their ancestors decades ago.
you mock us lefties but I can fap and use the mouse with ease! yea your jelous
ReplyThen, aren't you ambidextrous?
I'm right handed but I jack it with my left!
Imagine impressing dates by ordering in the native language when you go out to eat at Klingon restaurants. Loved that.
ReplyCool. I qualify for the Tall People one.
ReplyOooh, a $6,000 scholarship. You could buy one whole textbook with that.
ReplyI know a girl who tried out the duct tape scholarship thing, and she spent WEEKS making a really cool dress out of tie-dye duct tape, and a hat, coat, and tie for her date. So, talent WAS involved.
Replyyes...im sure she has many talents indeed ;D