The 8 Most Obnoxious Internet Commenters
Under every video on YouTube or Break, and under every story on Digg or even right here on Cracked, there is a mini-culture that forms down in the comment section. The hit-and-run nature of the comments means it's fertile ground for some really annoying personalities to thrive.
These are the eight commenter personality types you'd most like to avoid, but can't because they're freaking everywhere.
#8.
The Non-Believer
Typical Comment
"FAKE! Did you see how that guy exploded just BEFORE he hit the tree. Fake, don't waste my time."
Who Are They?
They like to think of themselves as the jaded skeptic in a world full of gullible sheeple, determined to be a flickering light of truth in a dark internet full of lies and fake viral videos. "No one could really fart on a birthday cake that way!"
Why We Hate Them:
The guys we're talking about here are the knee-jerk skeptics, the ones who take it too far. They have an automatic reaction to call "fake" on pretty much any video that shows anything remotely remarkable happening. They're not doing it in some grand quest for truth, they just want to feel smarter than the room and generally suck all of the wonder out of the world.
This is the internet, if we want to believe some dudes can catch sunglasses on their face like that, who are they to take that from us, dammit!
Actual Examples:
#7.
The Macho Man
Typical Comment:
"Holy shit!!!!!! That was fukin awsome! but IF that guy did that to me id kill him fuk"
Who Are They?
We think this guy is the same 'roid-monkey, blond-haired, fake tan, lip-pouting douche bag who made your high school life hell. He is the same guy who would have called you "dweeb" if you lived in a 1980's teen movie, but it is more likely that he called you "fucker" and pooped on your porch after egging your house.
Why We Hate Them:
This guy shows up commenting on any video or news story that involves a fist fight or confrontation. He's quick to remind us of what a badass he is in the real world, and is quick to make physical threats ("You want to come to Jersey and say that to my face??!?!?!").
After spending his formative years settling disputes on high school football fields, he's desperate to be the same kind of bully online he is in the real world. But he's found himself in a strange realm where huge biceps don't seem to count for anything, and is having a tough time making the adjustment.
No, you can't punch people over an internet connection, Macho Man. We've tried it.
Actual Examples:
#6.
The Great Defender
Typical Comment:
"I'd like to see you do any better. What have you ever done with your life? Stop judging people and let everyone be who they want to be because, in the end, isn't that what life is all about?"
(NOTE: This comment is usually followed by someone replying with a shatteringly eloquent: FAG!)
Who Are They?
The Great Defender sees himself or herself as a moral crusader, like a cross between Batman and Jesus. In reality they are more like a cross between Jeremy Piven and that annoying girl who always feels the need to inject herself into every conversation, at least long enough to let you know she holds the moral high ground.
Why We Hate Them:
Much like the Non-Believer up there, it's the knee-jerk nature of the Great Defender that's so annoying. You can have a YouTube video of a group of neo-Nazis shooting puppies out of a cannon, and the Great Defender will jump in with, "Wow you have to wonder what kind of trauma these guys had growing up that caused them to be so misguided. Some of you are so quick to judge."
That, or they may chime in with the much more annoying, "There are millions of starving children in the world, and you guys are getting worked up over some puppies?"
That seems to be the Great Defender's favorite weapon, which works on the premise that we're not allowed to get mad at anything as long as something worse is going on elsewhere.
You know what? If we want to be outraged, let us. That's why we watch those videos, it makes us feel better about ourselves. Sure, we may have stolen some movies off Bittorrent, but at least we didn't fire puppies out of a cannon while we were doing it.
Actual Examples:
#5.
Mr. Science
Typical Comment:
"I think you'll find that when you mix pure Hydrogen with Oxygen you don't produce water (2H2O) as would be expected, you, in fact, create an explosion. So it is perfectly normal that this video shows an explosion during the attempted grafting of Helium (He) and Sodium (Na)."
Who Are They?
This guy knows everything about the laws that govern the known universe, even the stuff science hasn't figured out yet. He has an education, works in a lab (or claims to) and has devoted his extraordinary gifts to telling strangers on the internet that they are wrong.
Why We Hate Them:
This guy is the brainiac version of the Macho Man. His goal is not to inform others, but just to make it clear that he knows way, way more than them. This is the guy who stops an entire game of poker because you didn't "burn" the top card before the river."
There's of course a reason this guy is hanging out on YouTube instead of some forum full of other professionals. He gets off on being right so much that he actively seeks out the company of people who are chronically wrong.
He seems to be wholly unaware that showing up in the comments section under some retarded YouTube video is about as impressive as challenging a room full of kindergartners to a fight. Winning is almost as bad as losing.
Actual Examples:
I can't believe the "Ron Paul 2012" (or 2008. Or 2004) folks didn't get their own nod. It's almost Goodwin's Law at this point.
Replyguilty of being mr.science, but to be fair the "mr.science" part of me is fighting a war with the jaded philosopher and cynical satirist. so far its a draw....
ReplyDude this articl is ttly fake none of the people actualy exist. I'll f****n beat the s**t outa the guy who fukin wrote it. Ur just being a dick to these people cuz they somtimes mess up a little. It's been scientificly shown, peepl can't stop themselfs from postin these, its in are nature. I bet ur just one of these goddamn darkies, go back to africa. U gay faggity faggit fuker. Ur just pushin the fascist ideels of the fukin fascists that run dis country. So go meet sexy women to date at Sexymcsexpants.org!
ReplyI believe that's every type concentrated intro one comment, with atrocious spelling on the side.
youdon'tsay.jpeg
I would be Mr. Science any day. “Envy is corrosive and ugly, and it can ruin your life,” said Richard H. Smith, a professor of psychology at the University of Kentucky. There are studies currently being conducted on the ventral striatum to try an pinpoint why humans feel the need to be so jealous of those who are more advanced intellectually. Stop hating on the scientists. :)
Replynot the scintists. but the assholes who *think* they no more than anyone else. Usually with little to no evidence to back them up
How come the ones with Youtube examples often had thumbs up (ninja excluded)? That is really sad.
Replyidiots!
Replyi prefer to be the guy who goes on electro trance music , and simply say this is gay.
ReplyFor me the most obnoxious commenter is the "first!" commenter. And often they are actually third or fourth. I am the harasser type, where if something is not funny I let the poster know that they have wasted my time, though I reserve that for mostly Cracked articles. I liked this, though I disagree with the age for the political agenda pushers. Half are middle-aged men who don't cre about annonimity and use their photo for their icon to spew Obama is a Socialist foreign-born terrorist under an article about new dinosaurs being discovered. They are found under the Creationist posts on every Yahoo! News article.
ReplyAfter reading this can we make #9 the "self-conscious commenter"?
Replyis that one of the most obnoxious types of internet commenters? O.o
I literally made a cracked commenter account just for this article. Ive been reading cracked for at least a few months now, maybe half a year. The comments are always something lame and people trying to gain other peoples support, but this time, the comment section is almost better than the article itself. You read through these and can only wonder which ones mad about being matched to which 'obnoxious personality'. Good job Toby Francis.
Replya perfect example of #2 is the Bad Lip Reading campaign ads on youtube. there's always some idiot saying "RON PAUL 2012" on every single one.
ReplyYou just can't leave a comment to appease everyone, can you?
ReplyWait... the country *isn't* becoming a fascist police state!?
ReplyAnd here is another great example of a #2 Political Activist!
Congratulations and here's a round of applause for being so easily categorized!
Hmm... I'm surprised I didn't see that one bot commenter that tells me I'm going to die tonight if I don't repost his requiem of Jimmy 11 times or the 27 year old doctor looking for love in the comments. Maybe computers can see irony?
Reply#9 The guy who uses "The most annoying internet commenters" lists to win an argument.
ReplyTypical Comment:
(In response to a "Mr. Science")
"Way to be a 'Mr. Science' ya fucken virgin nerd. Go get your dick wet. *link to cracked article 'The 8 Most Obnoxious Internet Commenters'*"
Who are they?
Usually normal commenters who feel they've lost an argument, or just feel like "showing someone their place" by pointing out how obviously inferior they are hiding their "poor commenting techniques".
Why We Hate Them:
They're just as goddamn annoying as the people employing the "commenting techniques" they're bringing to the light "for all to see". What's more is it's not very classy to end a legitimate debate on a legitimate debate forum meant specifically for intelligent arguments to take place by referring to the opposing side as "pseudo nerds" who need to "get laid", or to yell at people for "acting like meatheads" on a forum designed specifically for bodybuilding or working out.
*incredibly vague picture of a misc object/person*
*funny comment making an obscure reference related to the picture in some way*
Well we now know that Reyo is a 'macho man' commenter.
That's racial epithets, not epitaphs, you semi-literate mouth-breathers. (#9: overzealous former English majors).
Reply#0
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThe Cracked Writer
Does a lot of research into why exactly EVERYONE finds EVERYONE ELSE really annoying, and then attempts to write "satire" on just that. Having s**t on every possible personality a person could have, everyone then reads the article and becomes incredibly self conscious. In a genuine attempt to become better people, the readers then spend the next few days attempting to eliminate their annoying traits that were mentioned in the article. It is at this point that they realize the only way to one-up EVERYBODY is to become a Cracked writer and write satire. They do just that. Soon, the whole world is converted to this lifestyle and mankind becomes a borg-like hivemind of satire-writers who write about characters which no longer exist. Our planet decays. The original cracked writer writhes his hands maniacally.
Good job.
TL;DR
Fake!
GAAAAAAAAAY.
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesCan you spot the n?
These kind of comments are getting quite popular in youtube :D
Ctrl-F, search for 'uuuuu' and it'll highlight all the u's and not the n. (Insert obligatory reference to article so as not to feel like a patronizing douche after being a patronizing douche)
It's after the 48th U. what kind of commmentor does that classify me as then? The scientist? or the lonely guy with nothing better to do at work. Third option?
neat. but what does it have to do wth the article?
Cracked manages to rise above a majority of these (or at least have way less than sites like YouTube) EXCEPT for the Mr. Expert (it applies vastly outside of science). Seriously, when there's an article about some specific animal or profession or skill everyone becomes the most knowledgeable person ever. Freakin' irritating.
ReplyCracked also sees its fair share of Macho Man commenters. They mostly show up commenting on articles that are about fighting and/or written by Seanbaby. In either case they tend to feature outrageous claims of invincibility or fighting prowess.
don't forget the gun articles. they've fired every handgun and rifle ever invented
You forgot some categories: the Justin Bieber jabs, the Chuck Norris jokes, the attempted "dislike" jokes, and most notably -- religious nuts trying to convert everyone (and the nonbelievers getting them riled up).
ReplyAlso people saying "you forgot..." in a list-format post. Seriously, go to listverse some time. There is just no way to make these people happy.
Also, there's the "drama llamas" who will basically point out the content of another post in all but name just because they know that people don't like being told they're wrong, in order to start shit.
And let's not even get into the people who make self-referential humor in order to get crap flown under the radar. Who do these jerks think they're kidding?
The roles for your "religious nut" statement are reversed.