The 8 Most Obnoxious Internet Commenters
Under every video on YouTube or Break, and under every story on Digg or even right here on Cracked, there is a mini-culture that forms down in the comment section. The hit-and-run nature of the comments means it's fertile ground for some really annoying personalities to thrive.
These are the eight commenter personality types you'd most like to avoid, but can't because they're freaking everywhere.
#8.
The Non-Believer
Typical Comment
"FAKE! Did you see how that guy exploded just BEFORE he hit the tree. Fake, don't waste my time."
Who Are They?
They like to think of themselves as the jaded skeptic in a world full of gullible sheeple, determined to be a flickering light of truth in a dark internet full of lies and fake viral videos. "No one could really fart on a birthday cake that way!"
Why We Hate Them:
The guys we're talking about here are the knee-jerk skeptics, the ones who take it too far. They have an automatic reaction to call "fake" on pretty much any video that shows anything remotely remarkable happening. They're not doing it in some grand quest for truth, they just want to feel smarter than the room and generally suck all of the wonder out of the world.
This is the internet, if we want to believe some dudes can catch sunglasses on their face like that, who are they to take that from us, dammit!
Actual Examples:
#7.
The Macho Man
Typical Comment:
"Holy shit!!!!!! That was fukin awsome! but IF that guy did that to me id kill him fuk"
Who Are They?
We think this guy is the same 'roid-monkey, blond-haired, fake tan, lip-pouting douche bag who made your high school life hell. He is the same guy who would have called you "dweeb" if you lived in a 1980's teen movie, but it is more likely that he called you "fucker" and pooped on your porch after egging your house.
Why We Hate Them:
This guy shows up commenting on any video or news story that involves a fist fight or confrontation. He's quick to remind us of what a badass he is in the real world, and is quick to make physical threats ("You want to come to Jersey and say that to my face??!?!?!").
After spending his formative years settling disputes on high school football fields, he's desperate to be the same kind of bully online he is in the real world. But he's found himself in a strange realm where huge biceps don't seem to count for anything, and is having a tough time making the adjustment.
No, you can't punch people over an internet connection, Macho Man. We've tried it.
Actual Examples:
#6.
The Great Defender
Typical Comment:
"I'd like to see you do any better. What have you ever done with your life? Stop judging people and let everyone be who they want to be because, in the end, isn't that what life is all about?"
(NOTE: This comment is usually followed by someone replying with a shatteringly eloquent: FAG!)
Who Are They?
The Great Defender sees himself or herself as a moral crusader, like a cross between Batman and Jesus. In reality they are more like a cross between Jeremy Piven and that annoying girl who always feels the need to inject herself into every conversation, at least long enough to let you know she holds the moral high ground.
Why We Hate Them:
Much like the Non-Believer up there, it's the knee-jerk nature of the Great Defender that's so annoying. You can have a YouTube video of a group of neo-Nazis shooting puppies out of a cannon, and the Great Defender will jump in with, "Wow you have to wonder what kind of trauma these guys had growing up that caused them to be so misguided. Some of you are so quick to judge."
That, or they may chime in with the much more annoying, "There are millions of starving children in the world, and you guys are getting worked up over some puppies?"
That seems to be the Great Defender's favorite weapon, which works on the premise that we're not allowed to get mad at anything as long as something worse is going on elsewhere.
You know what? If we want to be outraged, let us. That's why we watch those videos, it makes us feel better about ourselves. Sure, we may have stolen some movies off Bittorrent, but at least we didn't fire puppies out of a cannon while we were doing it.
Actual Examples:
#5.
Mr. Science
Typical Comment:
"I think you'll find that when you mix pure Hydrogen with Oxygen you don't produce water (2H2O) as would be expected, you, in fact, create an explosion. So it is perfectly normal that this video shows an explosion during the attempted grafting of Helium (He) and Sodium (Na)."
Who Are They?
This guy knows everything about the laws that govern the known universe, even the stuff science hasn't figured out yet. He has an education, works in a lab (or claims to) and has devoted his extraordinary gifts to telling strangers on the internet that they are wrong.
Why We Hate Them:
This guy is the brainiac version of the Macho Man. His goal is not to inform others, but just to make it clear that he knows way, way more than them. This is the guy who stops an entire game of poker because you didn't "burn" the top card before the river."
There's of course a reason this guy is hanging out on YouTube instead of some forum full of other professionals. He gets off on being right so much that he actively seeks out the company of people who are chronically wrong.
He seems to be wholly unaware that showing up in the comments section under some retarded YouTube video is about as impressive as challenging a room full of kindergartners to a fight. Winning is almost as bad as losing.
Actual Examples:
Don't forget the grammar nazi and the woman haters/sexist (those who go on videos that features a female pranking her boyfriend are something and replie with "Its rape time" or "get back in the kitchen" and other sexist or to get you arrested kind of shit. We can't forget the always annoting patriatic people either. In videos completely unrelated they'll argue over whos countries better, who really won what was, why the other country thats not theirs suck, and the war in the comments could go on for pages.
ReplyI'm an unrepentant Grammar Nazi. And my favorite target is self-righteous people who rag on someone else but can't be bothered to use the correct your, you're or there, their and they're!
ReplyMake me proud Cracked readers!
What about the guy who honestly makes no damn sense. Like, maybe he's mentally challenged, or maybe he has a very limited grasp on the English language, but there are some people who's comments make about as much sense as a soup sandwich. "That's the dog. THE DOG! You're the real bull bro. I love you!!111"
Reply"Often they're employees who spend all day manually signing up to websites to post their spam. Regular Bots may screw up our computer. But the idea of humans that do this for a living is just depressing."
ReplyYou think the idea is depressing? My last job had me spamming every social media site the boss got his hands on for half the day. The other half was usually removing bot comments from his sites and sobbing quietly into my whiskey-laced coffee.
sometimes nr 6 is necessary...
ReplyThis comment section is tricky to read. Its tough to separate the actual annoying commentors, or the people trying to be funny by pretending to be one of the article examples. Sarcasm is tough on the internet.
ReplyMythbusters turned me into the "FAAAAKE" spammer. I blame jamie's moustache
ReplyMr science should be changed to mr google....
ReplyI always wondered who the douchebags are who troll youtube and insult children, women, whoever and take out their barely concealed sociopathic desires. Now i know.. at least one works for cracked.
ReplyFaaaaaaake!
ReplyOh god the political people get on my nerves, a political thread fine but when its irrelevant It's obnoxious. Say you're on an article about sports and they're coming out and there's an Obama/Bush flamewar. Great...
ReplyJust for the record though, Obama sucks
That bot picture is adorable. Look at dat big grin on his face !
ReplyRON PAUL 20##
ReplyAs a sometime practitioner of the Great Defender, Mr. Science and the Political Activist, I'd like to ask you how your summary of "Hitler's Apprentice" is not better described as just a "troll" instead of a "suburban middle-class white guy". Really? Is that where racism is formented? In suburbia? Sounds more like you're participating in the "political activist" strain of commenting then providing a unique perspective. But then you're probably someone who is white and grew up in that setting and feels guilty about it all. As are most of the white liberals decrying that lifestyle. If it's so bad, how did you all come out of it so enlightened?
Replyfag.
And the ninja gets the first response to this comment. I love that people are providing such wonderful examples of the commentor types mentioned in this article.
Shit... I'm the defender. I never noticed that.
Replyyup, me too!
On #4, the Hitler's apprentice, no one actually thinks those things. And they don't do it for the humor or shock value. The do it to make people like the writer of this article mad.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesActually, speaking of someone who lives in a white-dominated southern community, I can assure you there are a LOT of people who are just like that.
Speaking as someone who's related to a white supremacist, I can definitely assure you people do think that way.
lol, way to be a defender bro XD
This article was too generous where the Macho Man (#7) is concerned. Half the time these guys were NEVER macho or manly to begin with. They're just so sorry ass piece of s**t sad sack who was/is just some mousy librarian type in the real world but likes to play tough on the internet. The article implies they had balls IRL at some point in time. From my experience this is complete fiction.
ReplyWhat do you mean "generous"? You speak as if it were a virtue to be a über-macho roid-guzzling wifebeater rather than a skinny nerd...
I'd much rather socialize with the latter than the former, in rl or online.
The second example in #5 is totally right. You dumb asses and your being scared of the Hadron collider has zero chance of- f**k me...
ReplyKinda like how it's perfectly safe to divide π by 0-- OH SH--
AJDJ, dividing pi by zero is LUNACY! Dividing the square root of negative one by zero, however...
The Great Defender shows up in the Cracked comments section quite frequently. Like every time someone criticizes the article.
Replyhow do I read 100 000 001th?
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesone hundred million and oneth.
LOL, not gonna lie...I wondered that too.
It should probably be "100 000 001st".