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The 6 Most Frequently Quoted Bullsh*t Statistics

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#3.
Spousal Abuse Skyrockets on Super Bowl Sunday

Surely watching the manliest of sports play out on the world stage brings out the redneck in all of us. It isn't too hard to imagine that a shitty husband or boyfriend might do something like this on Superbowl Sunday.

"Woman! Get me a beer! *smack*"

"Woman! Turn up the TV! I'm watching the Supabowl! *smack*"

"Woman! I don't wanna see you again for the next 2 hours unless you're nekked! *smack*"

And who hasn't been to a Super Bowl Party where one of the male guests gets into a fistfight with his wife in front of all their closest friends? What's that you say common sense? Pretty much everybody hasn't been to a party like that?

Why Is It a Load of Crap?

The problem with this statistic is that the kind of men who would hit their wives and girlfriends over something on TV are the kind of men who are already doing it anyway.

In reality, there is no solid evidence that suggests spouses are abused on Super Bowl Sunday, and in fact for some men the distraction of football might actually make them less likely to hit their wives.

Who Started It?

This myth reached its peak in 1993, when a series of battered women's advocates came forward claiming abuse hotline calls went up by as much as 40% on the day of the big game. Similar stats got repeated and inflated endlessly in the lead up to the Super Bowl, when every section of the paper is obligated to have a story about the Super Bowl, even if there's absolutely nothing to report. Oh newspapers, how we'll miss your journalistic integrity.

Who Was Fooled?

It becamse a big enough deal that NBC aired a public service announcement warning about the dangers of spousal abuse before the game. We hate to think how many abusive husbands, having settled in to watch football, saw the ad and thought, "Hey, that reminds me! I've been so preoccupied with the game that I haven't abused my wife today! Thanks, NBC!"

#2.
You Must Wait 30 Minutes After Eating Before Swimming

If at any time in your life you've had food in your hand near a swimming pool, you've heard this myth. You cannot swim until you've waited at least 30 minutes.

For some families, the more harsh "hour" rule was used. If you broke the rule, the implication was that you would get cramps, be unable to swim, drown, and die. This rule seemed to apply even if you stayed on the shallow end. According to this statistic, unlike air, water-to-skin contact has magical properties that cause the food in your belly to explode unless it is past a certain point in your digestive track.

Why Is It a Load of Crap?

Because you're not a Gremlin. As you may have already guessed, water does not, in fact, bear properties that form a cramp of death, should you get in the water after eating. Getting into the water after eating will have no more effect on your body than going for a walk.

In fact, the movement of your body in the water, particularly if you are just a little kid with floaties on, is more restricted than that of a typical walk. Granted, if you were to swim rigorously for exercise, you wouldn't want to jump in the pool and start swimming lines right after a big bowl of Chili unless your goal is to chum for some sharks with your mouth.

Who Started It?

This one actually comes from an old wives tale that slowly became popular over the years. Supposedly, your stomach is using oxygen to digest food that your muscles need to swim. In actuality, the amount of oxygen your body needs to swim is more than satisfied, whether or not you've eaten recently.

Who Was Fooled?

This cutesy little kids site is one of many offering swimming tips that still buys into the old "wait 30 minutes" rule.

These lies aren't without their consequences. What happens when they find out the 30 minute statistic is false. Doesn't that suggest that the other stuff on the page must be false, too? A horseplay revolution could arise, complete with much more serous acts of rebellions like kids diving in the shallow end, swimming during electrical storms and thinking they could stay under water longer by biting fart bubbles.

#1.
Christmas Causes Suicide

Christmas: A season of joy and togetherness and shopping and joy and shopping. It might be true that Christmas has become really commercialized (as you might have heard from Charlie Brown once or twice), but people generally seem to enjoy it. Aside from the stress, and family you hate, the travel and the junk lying around the house, of course. And the music.

Actually, when we hear that suicide rates jump during the holidays, it's easy to believe it. Especially if you've ever spent a Christmas drunk and alone, tearing up as you sit in your apartment and watch your favorite Christmas movie from childhood (Die Hard).

Why Is It a Load of Crap?

Actually, the suicide rate goes down significantly. Why?

While it's depressing as hell to be alone on Christmas, the truth is most of us aren't. It's just hard to commit suicide when there's people around constantly trying to get you to wear ugly sweaters. Depressed or not, most people aren't big enough dicks to let the kiddies find them hanging over the Christmas tree with a note pinned to their chest.

Who Started It?

In this case, no one fooled us more than ourselves. It's what they call confirmation bias; we decide ahead of time that people should get depressed over the holidays, so when we hear somebody killed themselves on Christmas, we assume the holiday was the reason.

Never mind that far more people kill themselves on President's day, and most other lesser holidays. Never mind that there could have been a thousand other reasons to be depressed.

Who Was Fooled?

The movie Gremlins, for one. A character quotes the suicide stat, which is one of several scientific inaccuracies we noticed in that film (see swimming after eating).

But also, just about every newspaper in the country tends to climb on board. Studies indicate that newspapers actually emphasize suicides during the holidays over the rest of the year, again assuming a link between the suicide and the holiday when they didn't even know if the victim recognized that it was the holiday at all.

In the general population, whether or not you believe this stat tends to depend on how much you hate Christmas (see this typical response from a ray of sunshine talking about how it's "no wonder" suicide rates go up that time of year).

For some reason, when we're miserable we like to project it on other people, and assume they're all miserable too. And, if thinking that other people are suicidal makes you feel a little less suicidal yourself, then go for it.


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I hate having to add to the comments more than once but:

I've heard too many times "Only humans and ants fight wars". What the hell do people think "defending your territory by attacking and killing invaders" means? I guess those that forget this fact refers to these as "Police actions".lol

Posted on 11/18/2008 1:00:26 AM

I agree that most of these are complete falsehoods except the swimming one. I do think the wait 30 minutes after eating is true, but in a different way. You will get cramps if you do it, but it's not terminal. You just feel the need to get out of the water. You also feel like you're about to add to the water your own special Mix.

The rest? yeah, all of them are BS urban legends or worse. Most belong in "mountain folklore" books like in Andy Griffith when the Darlins would be in an episode. "The only way to stop an intended marriage is to see a black rider on a white horse riding east to west"

Posted on 11/18/2008 12:58:18 AM

"What about 'Humans and Dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure'? Like every other species of animal is sitting out there thinking 'I'm going to bang this female, not because it feels good to do it and I'm horny but because I want offspring.' Yeah, and we are the only species (Along with dolphins) that eat food because we are hungry" - GoddamnBatman


...Seriously? You think there's an actual cognitive process going on in an animal's head? Are you functionally retarded or just naive? Sex is pure instinct, and has absolutely nothing to do with pleasure, in the vast majority of the animal kingdom. Sexual intercourse is only initiated ONCE during the year, for most species in the wild.

What this factoid is referring to is that humans also have sex as a pastime, and apparently so do dolphins-- and Bonobo monkeys.

Posted on 10/15/2008 4:00:18 PM

a spinning kaleidoscope of titty? I will have to use that one

Posted on 10/15/2008 1:46:28 PM

hey jamborse...you're an retard. maybe you should look up what words mean before you post them. a simply google search showed three dictionary websites that agree when I say you are retarded. Or maybe you are European...eh, same thing.

Posted on 9/30/2008 3:39:15 PM

Ok, so we probably do eat spiders but I doubt it's a whole, live one at once. The FDA has permissable levels of insects so it's not too crazy to think that eventually you may have eaten a spider.

Secondly, I always thought that you couldn't swim for a half hour after eating because of the blood - when you eat you blood (not all of it, obviously) goes to your digestive system so it can, you know, digest stuff. If you go swimming your blood goes to your muscles, thereby hindering your digestion. That's why you're not supposed to walk and eat as well, although if some major malfunction happened (highly unlikely) you're more likely to get into trouble if you're swimming because there's that whole drowning thing. I doubt anyone ever thought their stomach was going to explode.

Posted on 9/21/2008 10:51:35 PM

My grandma's fiance` shot her in the face on Superbowl Sunday...

I don't think that one is crap at all.

Posted on 9/19/2008 9:49:28 PM

...I dunno, my grandfather committed suicide on christmas. And his kids WERE in the house...

Posted on 9/10/2008 6:16:52 PM

just laugh and read the next article.

Posted on 9/5/2008 2:05:02 PM

YOU RACIST DICK!

...Oh, wait. I just read the other half of that. :D

Posted on 8/28/2008 10:11:00 AM

I want to believe that eating spiders is bollox, but I can't. Can anyone convince me its not true? I always hated creepies, but i tried to overcome my fears my touching a spider. then my girlfriend told me that story, and now and for ever I REALLY f*****g HATE HATE HATE THE Big black hairy BASTARDS

Posted on 8/27/2008 9:58:11 AM

I was beating myself with a dictionary while reading this article

Posted on 8/23/2008 5:56:59 PM

Ok, so suicides don't go up around the holidays, but deaths do go up right after the holidays. There are a lot of terminally ill people who want to wait to see the family just one more time before they kick the bucket.

Posted on 8/20/2008 3:59:12 PM

omg batman is gay

Posted on 8/20/2008 11:01:46 AM

What about 'Humans and Dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure'? Like every other species of animal is sitting out there thinking 'I'm going to bang this female, not because it feels good to do it and I'm horny but because I want offspring.' Yeah, and we are the only species (Along with dolphins) that eat food because we are hungry

Posted on 8/18/2008 7:09:59 AM

That's because you're not getting any.

Posted on 8/14/2008 3:13:27 PM

speaking of sex, im male and can go days without thinking about sex...or careing about it for that matter.

Posted on 7/20/2008 1:37:54 PM

I have seen many hoooooooott videos on (((((((gofuckyourself.c o m/your a queerbait-nerfherder.org_spamforrest.gov)))))...........seriously when will these people die off already?

Posted on 7/20/2008 1:36:34 PM

it's so interesting,and i like this topic,i have saw it on --Black sugarmommy do t--co m

Posted on 7/15/2008 7:10:28 PM

i have viewed many hooott videos and photos at +++++++++++++(((((((((___ interracial romancing. c o m___ )))++++++ where many fans are together, also i met kinds of black and white single men who are hunger for true love online :)

Posted on 7/14/2008 3:19:31 AM

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