The 5 Most Ridiculous Causes to Ever Get a Website
Can the words and actions of one man change the world? Absolutely! Just as long as somebody gives a shit about what he's saying. If we're betting, our money says these guys won't find that somebody anytime soon ...
#5.
Ed Lake, Investigator of Fake Porn
The Crusade:
Anyone who says chivalry is dead has obviously never heard of Ed Lake. Since 1996 he's been patrolling the internet protecting damsels in distress from the evils of photo editing software. Ever since seeing a fake nude photo Gillian Anderson, Ed has dedicated his free time to "investigating" other celebrity nipple shots to determine if they're the real deal. Because he's a gentleman. A 66-year-old, not even remotely perverted, gentleman.
Why We Could Do Without It:
First of all, if someone emails us what appears to be a nude photo of Elisha Cuthbert, we'll accept that it's not real when and only when we're damn good and ready. Until then, let us live the dream, old man.
Secondly, there's a pretty solid chance that, although we may be in denial, we probably don't need to be told that it's a fake photo. Anyone who has ever seen a fake nude celebrity photo knows all of the telltale signs to look for. For example, check out this photo of Jennifer Love Hewitt and see if you can point out the warning signs that this is a doctored photo.
Obviously, as tantalizing as that photo is, nobody is going to be fooled into thinking it's really Jennifer Love Hewitt. She wouldn't be caught dead in that fucking jacket!
We're sure your intentions are noble, Mr. Lake. But you should find a more worthy cause.
#4.
Marcie Cook's War on Hot Air Balloons
The Crusade:
Marcie Cook wants you to know there is danger overhead! It's a danger that injures or kills people every day. Well, maybe it doesn't happen every day, but, like, almost every day. OK, maybe just some days, but surely every year or so, possibly.
The most sinister part of this hidden danger is that you'll never see it coming, unless the hot air balloon you're riding in happens to be nearing a power line. If that happens, you'll totally see it coming, because that is exactly the silent killer that Marcie Cook is on a one-woman crusade to protect the public from.
Turns out, she was injured when, against incredible odds, the nylon ball of hot air and wicker basket she was flying in wasn't able to endure crashing into a 9,000 volt power line. Seriously, you could've knocked us over with a feather when we heard that. Those things always looked pretty much indestructible to us.
Why We Could Do Without It:
Marcie is the first to admit, the idea of hot air balloons posing a serious threat to the public is hard to accept at first, but she's got metrics to back it up. According to statistics from the years of 1996 and 1997 (which are the most recent statistics available, presumably because some ambitious statistician managed to get caught up crunching the numbers for all the important stats and decided to move on to the total bullshit), there were on average only 7.47 injuries per 100,000 hours of general aviation travel. You know, airplanes and whatnot.
Now prepare to be shocked, readers. In that same time span, per 100,000 hours of hot air balloon travel, there were on average 33.62 injuries! Being that there were 3,760 general aviation injuries in that time, you can just imagine how many hot air balloon injuries that translates to--that's right, 39!
Holy shit, the devastation! Throw in the four fatalities in a two year span and it all adds up to no goddamn reason not to fly in a hot air balloon. Unless you're a dude, then it's totally gay anyway. In which case a little dangerous might actually help.
#3.
David Gracer: Bug Eating Advocate
The Crusade:
David Gracer is on a one-man crusade with a modest goal: to save the world.
While some would-be heroes hope to yank mankind from the jaws of extinction by eliminating greenhouse gasses or launching kickass covert military operations, David Gracer has another plan in mind. He wants to save the world through entomophagy, which means the key to our very salvation is to shun delicious hot wings and eat bugs instead.
Why We Could Do Without It:
If you even suggest that the idea of eating a bug disgusts you while amongst a large group of people, without fail some know-it-all will point out that, "It's not a big deal, people in other countries eat bugs all the time!"
Yeah? You know what else people in other countries do? This ...
The difference is, for whatever reason, they want to do that. People don't eat bugs because scorpions in wine sauce with a side of fresh greens are fucking scrumptious. People in other countries eat bugs because raising animals takes money. Money they don't have. For bugs, all you need to do is turn over a number of heavy rocks or, if that's too much work, just keep a dirty house and wait for them to show up.
But around these parts, the good majority of us can afford a chicken or two if the mood strikes. For those who can't, programs are in place, Dumpster diving for example, for the very purpose of keeping them from having to resort to snacking on dung beetles during tough times.
If that fails, well, we'll have to consider just eating fruits and vegetables, until we finally curl up dead from beef deprivation.
Where can I get one of these f**k Prince bracelets?
ReplyGreat article, personally though if the States hadn't United (see what I did there?) They would probably be more like Canada then Great Britain...just saying!
ReplyI am now complaining over a guy who complains over complaining. Whee!
ReplyAnd now I'm complaining that you stole my comment! Isn't this fun! Seriously though, f**k that guy. Know who else complains? Oppressed people. Sometimes it's warranted, but I guess Mr. Rich White Guy With Way Too Much Time doesn't get that.
I bike a lot here in and around the canyons where I live. Because of that, I have eaten a fuckton of bugs. (Here's a tip. If you're going up a 5% grade, you mouth WILL be open. You may not realize it, but it is.) I guess I could ride in a welders mask, but that just seems kinda bulky...
ReplyBugs aren't great. Not just Godawful, but I'll never get a plate of 'em from Chili's. (Oh, and there's the asshole...bee?...hornet?...wasp?... that managed to sting the roof of my mouth. F U C K him.) But trying to convince me I WANT to eat a big plate-'o-insects? Uh...no dude. I've had more than enough, thanks.
There's something I've never been clear on for eating bugs, to such a degree that they're a sold industrial food. How exactly are they slaughtered?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIf you squish them, you can't unscrape them up.
If you poison them then you'd just be ingesting the poison.
I assume they're not suggesting six or eight legged carrion.
I can't imagine a gun or blade that would be effective on an industrial level, Bill Gates's malaria mosquito shooter aside. A slaughterhouse would need to be made practically on the molecular level.
The only alternative I could come up with is to take the entire ant farm, or whatever, and bake, boil, or fry the entire community at once, with a still difficult problem of removing the tiny things afterwards, and an added problem of winged insects not flying out of the boiling pot or the frying pan.
That would still mean though, that you'd need villages of the bugs ready on the shelves for each new batch?
The ones that get eaten the most are the ones that do not fly and you can find on the ground like ants, caterpilars and others and they are usually cooked while alive like lobsters ( sea insects btw) some ants like escamoles in Mexico can be more expensive than caviar since they very hard to get
I am not sure "industrial food" really is the right expression but I always figured most insects are roasted ( alive) or something along the lines of that. Also I am pretty certain that you eat them whole without taking much off and the insects of choice are bound to be big enough so there is a point in eating them :)
what about a CO2 chamber? or some electric thing?
Man... Robbie Williams... I can't remember the last time he was relevant.
ReplyWe have to wear the complaint free world bands for english class. It's not as weird as it seems, but it seriously does not need a whole website, nor a book, nor an optional part of the school curriculum.
ReplyBut doesn't that encourage people to act like dicks? If nobody says anything to stop the person, is there anything besides physical actions to stop someone from being more intentionally obnoxious?
Maybe that guy's never had a legitimate problem in his life. He realised that in a blinding flash of insight, he just hasn't worked out that sometimes actual bad things happen to other people.
Eating bugs may actually be the way of the future considering how much waste and pollution raising animals produces (just ask Perdue-they can tell you all about the problems they're having with chicken shit).
ReplyOr ask Seanbaby.
Loled at the f**k prince picture
ReplyEating bugs is totally valid. They're retardedly nutritious, and they taste super good, too. Fried waxworms taste like nice, crisp, buttery peanuts. Tarantulas taste like crab. Heck they're srelated enough, they're both arthropods, so it makes sense they'd taste similar.
Reply"Tarantulas taste like crab." ? Is this really true , I have seen tarantulas fried in garlic in Thailand but i just couldnt , maybe I should have done
I once found this website dedicated to the cause of bringing pince-nez glasses back in style. I laughed at them at first, but they kinda made me wanna make the trade. Teddy Roosevelt wore them, after all.
ReplyI'd do it!
Number one is pretty much begging trolls to raid the comments section.
Replybeef deprivation. This made me laugh out loud. I also wish there was some sort of shortened version of typing laugh out loud, so i could have just saved myself the approximately.. hang on i'll write it again and time myself. just gonna set up a stopwatch... ok here goes laugh out loud, so that was about two seconds, and i have written laugh out loud four times now? so if only i could condense typing laugh out loud into a shorter form, i could have saved myself say, six seconds, and all you guys reading me typing laugh out loud. Any suggestions internet??
ReplyI propose GA, for "guffawing audibly."
Ric Silver also claimed to have invented breakdancing. In 1968. He owns the copyright on that. You can find it on his website under the title of "some other things I have choreographed"
ReplyBreakdancing isn't even the real name for it, it was originally called B-boying and was developed by Latino and black Americans, the only right thing he got about it is that is was developed in NYC
Actually, bugs drastically outnumber us and our current "food". And they're actually very nutrient dense. I'm not saying eat bugs now, or even that I eat them now. But if they found a bug that tasted good I'd give it a try.
ReplyI've eaten crickets before, mostly as a dare to myself. They aren't bad, but they aren't good either. They taste quite dull, actually, sort of like sunflower seeds or plain popcorn. It's not the taste that's gross, but rather the perception that insects are unclean, though I think that even that could be overcome if they could be cooked in such a way that they couldn't easily be identified as insects. Perhaps if there was a different word for cooked insects, or perhaps if the legs, heads, wings and any other identifiable parts of the insect were removed before being served, Americans would be much more willing to eat them.
No s**t they outnumber us. They're half an ounce each, you can fit a dozen in the same jam jar. That doesn't mean we should eat them. Can you imagine trying to farm the things without any getting away? And if part of the reason for eating them is that farming livestock is inefficient, what makes you think this will work any better? The only difference is that more of those resources go towards indigestible exoskeletons instead of useful cow leather. As a novelty, sure, eat up. But they're never going to be a staple in any part of the world that isn't a total hell hole, and for good reason.
Swingers wear purple bracelets so they know who's also 'stylin in public. You don't hear us complaining too often.
ReplyHeck with you cracked, I'll complain about you all i please :)
ReplyThe "Electric Slide" is an abomination... It SHOULD be eliminated... I'd like to encourage Rick Silver (or whatever his name is) to stalk any large group of drinking Latinos in the US because it is GUARANTEED that if you get a bunch of latinos drunk, especially on a boat, eventually it will degrade to people almost too drunk to stand doing the Electric Slide.
ReplyI'd like to think THAT'S how it was invented. ...they WERE to drunk to stand so they staggered around and BAM, there's your dance.
No 'Protect Marriage?'
ReplyI normally don't get anal in the comments section, but Ric Silver's website isn't ruined by bad HTML, it's ruined by bad CSS.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesExcept there's no CSS on that site. I wonder if he's copyrighted the design as well
Except there's no CSS used. I wonder if Ric's copyrighted the design of his site too?
I'm guessing that idiot doesn't even know what CSS is. Anybody who plays obnoxious music full volume that you can't turn off on their site probably didn't finish their web design class.
View the source... it is HTML and it is bad