The 5 Most Ridiculous Causes to Ever Get a Website
Can the words and actions of one man change the world? Absolutely! Just as long as somebody gives a shit about what he's saying. If we're betting, our money says these guys won't find that somebody anytime soon ...
#5.
Ed Lake, Investigator of Fake Porn
The Crusade:
Anyone who says chivalry is dead has obviously never heard of Ed Lake. Since 1996 he's been patrolling the internet protecting damsels in distress from the evils of photo editing software. Ever since seeing a fake nude photo Gillian Anderson, Ed has dedicated his free time to "investigating" other celebrity nipple shots to determine if they're the real deal. Because he's a gentleman. A 66-year-old, not even remotely perverted, gentleman.
Why We Could Do Without It:
First of all, if someone emails us what appears to be a nude photo of Elisha Cuthbert, we'll accept that it's not real when and only when we're damn good and ready. Until then, let us live the dream, old man.
Secondly, there's a pretty solid chance that, although we may be in denial, we probably don't need to be told that it's a fake photo. Anyone who has ever seen a fake nude celebrity photo knows all of the telltale signs to look for. For example, check out this photo of Jennifer Love Hewitt and see if you can point out the warning signs that this is a doctored photo.
Obviously, as tantalizing as that photo is, nobody is going to be fooled into thinking it's really Jennifer Love Hewitt. She wouldn't be caught dead in that fucking jacket!
We're sure your intentions are noble, Mr. Lake. But you should find a more worthy cause.
#4.
Marcie Cook's War on Hot Air Balloons
The Crusade:
Marcie Cook wants you to know there is danger overhead! It's a danger that injures or kills people every day. Well, maybe it doesn't happen every day, but, like, almost every day. OK, maybe just some days, but surely every year or so, possibly.
The most sinister part of this hidden danger is that you'll never see it coming, unless the hot air balloon you're riding in happens to be nearing a power line. If that happens, you'll totally see it coming, because that is exactly the silent killer that Marcie Cook is on a one-woman crusade to protect the public from.
Turns out, she was injured when, against incredible odds, the nylon ball of hot air and wicker basket she was flying in wasn't able to endure crashing into a 9,000 volt power line. Seriously, you could've knocked us over with a feather when we heard that. Those things always looked pretty much indestructible to us.
Why We Could Do Without It:
Marcie is the first to admit, the idea of hot air balloons posing a serious threat to the public is hard to accept at first, but she's got metrics to back it up. According to statistics from the years of 1996 and 1997 (which are the most recent statistics available, presumably because some ambitious statistician managed to get caught up crunching the numbers for all the important stats and decided to move on to the total bullshit), there were on average only 7.47 injuries per 100,000 hours of general aviation travel. You know, airplanes and whatnot.
Now prepare to be shocked, readers. In that same time span, per 100,000 hours of hot air balloon travel, there were on average 33.62 injuries! Being that there were 3,760 general aviation injuries in that time, you can just imagine how many hot air balloon injuries that translates to--that's right, 39!
Holy shit, the devastation! Throw in the four fatalities in a two year span and it all adds up to no goddamn reason not to fly in a hot air balloon. Unless you're a dude, then it's totally gay anyway. In which case a little dangerous might actually help.
#3.
David Gracer: Bug Eating Advocate
The Crusade:
David Gracer is on a one-man crusade with a modest goal: to save the world.
While some would-be heroes hope to yank mankind from the jaws of extinction by eliminating greenhouse gasses or launching kickass covert military operations, David Gracer has another plan in mind. He wants to save the world through entomophagy, which means the key to our very salvation is to shun delicious hot wings and eat bugs instead.
Why We Could Do Without It:
If you even suggest that the idea of eating a bug disgusts you while amongst a large group of people, without fail some know-it-all will point out that, "It's not a big deal, people in other countries eat bugs all the time!"
Yeah? You know what else people in other countries do? This ...
The difference is, for whatever reason, they want to do that. People don't eat bugs because scorpions in wine sauce with a side of fresh greens are fucking scrumptious. People in other countries eat bugs because raising animals takes money. Money they don't have. For bugs, all you need to do is turn over a number of heavy rocks or, if that's too much work, just keep a dirty house and wait for them to show up.
But around these parts, the good majority of us can afford a chicken or two if the mood strikes. For those who can't, programs are in place, Dumpster diving for example, for the very purpose of keeping them from having to resort to snacking on dung beetles during tough times.
If that fails, well, we'll have to consider just eating fruits and vegetables, until we finally curl up dead from beef deprivation.
We have to wear the complaint free world bands for english class. It's not as weird as it seems, but it seriously does not need a whole website, nor a book, nor an optional part of the school curriculum.
ReplyEating bugs may actually be the way of the future considering how much waste and pollution raising animals produces (just ask Perdue-they can tell you all about the problems they're having with chicken shit).
ReplyLoled at the f**k prince picture
ReplyEating bugs is totally valid. They're retardedly nutritious, and they taste super good, too. Fried waxworms taste like nice, crisp, buttery peanuts. Tarantulas taste like crab. Heck they're srelated enough, they're both arthropods, so it makes sense they'd taste similar.
ReplyI once found this website dedicated to the cause of bringing pince-nez glasses back in style. I laughed at them at first, but they kinda made me wanna make the trade. Teddy Roosevelt wore them, after all.
ReplyNumber one is pretty much begging trolls to raid the comments section.
Replybeef deprivation. This made me laugh out loud. I also wish there was some sort of shortened version of typing laugh out loud, so i could have just saved myself the approximately.. hang on i'll write it again and time myself. just gonna set up a stopwatch... ok here goes laugh out loud, so that was about two seconds, and i have written laugh out loud four times now? so if only i could condense typing laugh out loud into a shorter form, i could have saved myself say, six seconds, and all you guys reading me typing laugh out loud. Any suggestions internet??
ReplyRic Silver also claimed to have invented breakdancing. In 1968. He owns the copyright on that. You can find it on his website under the title of "some other things I have choreographed"
ReplyActually, bugs drastically outnumber us and our current "food". And they're actually very nutrient dense. I'm not saying eat bugs now, or even that I eat them now. But if they found a bug that tasted good I'd give it a try.
ReplyI've eaten crickets before, mostly as a dare to myself. They aren't bad, but they aren't good either. They taste quite dull, actually, sort of like sunflower seeds or plain popcorn. It's not the taste that's gross, but rather the perception that insects are unclean, though I think that even that could be overcome if they could be cooked in such a way that they couldn't easily be identified as insects. Perhaps if there was a different word for cooked insects, or perhaps if the legs, heads, wings and any other identifiable parts of the insect were removed before being served, Americans would be much more willing to eat them.
Swingers wear purple bracelets so they know who's also 'stylin in public. You don't hear us complaining too often.
ReplyHeck with you cracked, I'll complain about you all i please :)
ReplyThe "Electric Slide" is an abomination... It SHOULD be eliminated... I'd like to encourage Rick Silver (or whatever his name is) to stalk any large group of drinking Latinos in the US because it is GUARANTEED that if you get a bunch of latinos drunk, especially on a boat, eventually it will degrade to people almost too drunk to stand doing the Electric Slide.
ReplyNo 'Protect Marriage?'
ReplyI normally don't get anal in the comments section, but Ric Silver's website isn't ruined by bad HTML, it's ruined by bad CSS.
ReplyExcept there's no CSS on that site. I wonder if he's copyrighted the design as well
Except there's no CSS used. I wonder if Ric's copyrighted the design of his site too?
Complaining doesn't cause change. Acting upon something does.
ReplyAnd some actions can be caused by complaints.
As to build off RainbowDash, the Bill O' Rights kept in free speech so we could, you know, complain all we wanted.
I don't know about you guys, but I would totally buy one of those f**k prince bracelets
ReplyYeah, but then you'd probably be mistaken for one of those people who really wants to f**k Prince.
I thought that's what the f**k prince bracelets actually meant... I guess I'm not getting one now.
My nana goes to the church that man with the purple bracelets preached at. I've been there a few times. Its like... a gathering of clean mothball smelling hippies.
Replyfor the record, insects people sell to eat are usually farmed. the only people who eat bugs that are just hanging around are usually living in a jungle
ReplyBeen checking out that Ed Lake, Fake Detective site, it's actually kinda interesting.
ReplyPlus there are boobies.
If rubber bracelets can only be used for campaigns that matter. I say that the 'fuck prince' campaign is important enough to be given domain over purple
ReplyIt deserves domain not only over purple, but every shade of purple, and several shades of red and blue as well.