The 10 Most Sexually Unappealing Craigslist Postings

Last fall, Cracked profiled ten posts on the casual encounters section of Craigslist that were so bizarre, we couldn't help but bring them to your attention. We recently returned to the site to find more, in some cases even stranger requests for no-strings-attached nookie. Below, 10 more posts we tracked down that will leave you wondering, "What the hell is wrong with people?"

Desired Demo:

Men, not necessary homosexuals, who want to sodomize a migrant worker

Quote:

"Im a construction guy really not gay...I pick this guy up to work with me he is one of those mexican waiting for day jobs in the corners and I don't think he is gay also but I give extra cash for his extra service...sweet sweet butt, I pick him up 3-4 days a week, I thought I could find some to do this with, another guy with strong dick."

What We Can Assume:

We're guessing Lou Dobbs is going to use this as ammunition in his campaign for immigration reform. Meanwhile, the construction worker in the Village People suddenly makes a lot more sense, though we still don't get the gay Indian.

Where It Went Wrong:

The photo is presumably the boner of the construction worker who posted the listing. Unfortunately, it's simply not an effective use of imagery if you're trying to attract people interested in "sweet sweet butt," or sweet sweet anything really. Also, if the listing's creator is "really not gay," he might want to think twice about soliciting men with his dong.

Why They're Not Getting Laid:

A blue collar worker who sodomizes migrant workers: Sounds like the villain from some NRA-sponsored first person shooter. We're guessing there are more armed to the hilt conservative vigilantes out there than men interested in photos of a fat, "not gay" dude's dong.

Desired Demo:

Women interested in adultery and Arthur Conan Doyle

Quote:

"I've been on here before... never got a response... I know there are women out there who are seeking the same thrill I am... to cheat on their spouse and not get caught. I have plenty of exciting ideas... but I am not good at verbalizing them. I'm turned on by smart chicks who have a lot to say... because I'm like that. Currently reading Sherlock Holmes."

What We Can Assume:

Our friend here is no salesman. Rather than making a statement to entice the females cruising the site, he chooses instead to use the title line as a questioning meta-title that shows both desperation and a lack of creativity. It's a fitting lead-in to the actual listing, which also has a tone of desperation despite the fact that its author is married and confidently claims to be just like a gregarious woman.

Where It Went Wrong:

While some may cringe at calling betrayal a "thrill," we feel the mention of Sherlock Holmes is much more odd and off-putting. It's odd, because at no point in the century since Arthur Conan Doyle wrote those stories has the discussion of them gotten anyone laid. It's off-putting, because fans of those stories tend to be awkward teens, who are regularly ridiculed and beaten by their classmates. In any case, we have nothing but empathy for this man's wife.

Why They're Not Getting Laid:

The guy who wrote this listing reveals here that he "never got a response" to previous posts. We fully expect that trend to continue.

Desired Demo:

Ladies that would give it up for the chance to experience the magic of a hotel room

Quote:

"I'm here on executive room minibar, cable tv, queen size bed, room service, magnificent view of SF, Hotel InterContinental...So i dun wanna waste this exclusive hotel room...If you wanna go out on date to dining, clubs, bars & followed by hot evenings at my exclusive hotel room... Then quickly get in touch with me...Luv, William."

What We Can Assume:

William demonstrates high standards by bragging that his hotel room is "exclusive." Not to be confused with most executive suites where they give your room key out to four or five different people and let you guys fight it out for bathroom privileges. He also seems to have mistaken the Bay Area for some sort of third-world refugee camp where women will have sex with pretty much anyone for food, shelter and the promise of a mini bar.

Where It Went Wrong:

Once again, the accompanying photos don't match up with the listing's supposed allure. William is trying to sell Craigslist users on his executive hotel and its magnificent view, but rather than post jpegs of the room, he opts to show off his slight frame. His sex appeal is unconventional (some might say limited), which makes us think he might be better served to use a picture of all the free shampoo and soaps instead of the close-up of his buttocks.

Why They're Not Getting Laid:

We like to cling to optimism at times like this, and thus hope that there aren't all that many women willing to take an all-expenses-paid night on the town in exchange for room service and the chance to watch Baby's Momma while it's still in theaters.

Desired Demo:

Women who would agree to sex based on hearsay about its health benefits

Quote:

"Sex is good for the brain, the body, and the mind. Can healthy organic cooking do ALL that? Nope! Sex is good for the immune system. Can yoga do that? Nope! There is no replacement for fun invigorating stimulating erotic orgasmics sex! Disclaimor: I am not a player or one-nighter. I want only one partner. And a good one too!!!! Lets sex togather!"

What We Can Assume:

That the listing's creator feels he should solicit a lover the same way most people ask a friend to be their racquetball partner. But while all the question-answer and exclamatory punctuation shows his seduction technique to be similar to that of a Bowflex infomercial, he also comes off as a sort of perverted and overbearing personal trainer, challenging women to allow him to assist them in working out their genitals.

Where It Went Wrong:

Besides the baffling image choice, it's not entirely clear where this non-player is getting the data to support his disparaging comments about organic cooking and yoga. Furthermore, it seems pretty unlikely that anyone would read this post and say, "Great. This is my chance to finally eat whatever I want and cancel that expensive Lotus Spa membership."

Why They're Not Getting Laid:

"Bored And Willing To DO Anything" might want to use his free time to come up with a more effective approach. Health-conscious females tend to read up on the subject, and probably go for sources more reliable than desperately horny guys they've never met.

Desired Demo:

Women with a pulse, even obese women, as long as they're not skittish.

Quote:

"i love eating kitty i can do it for hours...im usually attracted to all kinds of women im not shallow at all i can find something beautiful about anyone so if your a bbw dont be scared...im not like every other douchebag on here i actually have a personality a great one i might add i dont plan to meet you then 10 mins later start fooling around i would like to get to know you at least a little maybe watcha a movie"

What We Can Assume:

That author of this listing has confidence in his ability to provide satisfying cunnilingus to anyone, large or small, who puts their vagina in his face. A cinema enthusiast whose photos reveal emo tendencies, he also has an open mind about what exemplifies beauty (which explains his hand tattoo and opinion that his own God-given allure could not be contained in just one photograph).

Where It Went Wrong:

The text of the listing is kind-hearted and certainly casts a wide net, but the picture of a completely serious My Chemical Romance fanboy showing off his less-than-impressive bicep clearly betrays the assertion that he is "not like every other douchebag." Alas, douchebags like this are congregating at your local Taco Bell parking lot as you read this.

Why They're Not Getting Laid:

His claim that he's talented at performing oral sex because he can do it "for hours" is not helping his cause. This would be like claiming you're a talented long distance runner because you can run a mile for hours: if it takes you any longer than seven minutes to finish, you're probably not as talented as you think.