A Series of Letters to the First Girl I Ever Fingered

Dear Emily,

Hi! How are you? I hope this letter finds you well. I don't know if you remember me or not, but I'm the guy who fingered you at sleepaway camp.

Anyway, I was just thinking about that, so I thought I would write and see how everything turned out with you.

Your Friend (kind of),

Michael Ian Black

Dear Emily,

After not getting a response, I have become very worried that my last letter somehow offended you. Confused, I reread what I wrote several times, and finally came to the conclusion that, if you were offended, it was probably the part about fingering you that did it.

If so, I am very sorry. Not about fingering you (which was great), but about referring to it so candidly after not communicating with you in over 20 years. So, I'm sorry. In the future, if I refer to fingering you at all, I will try to be a little more discreet.

Very Sorry,

Michael Ian Black

Dear Emily,

Hi, it's me again (the guy who f-ed you). Still haven't heard back from you. Is everything okay between us?

Write Back,

Michael Ian Black

P.S. That's a rhyme - "Write Back/Michael Ian Black" LOL!

Dear Emily,

Oh my God! I just realized that when I said I "f-ed you" in my last letter, that easily could be read as "fucked you." God forbid your husband or lover (lesbian?) should read that! If that person IS reading THIS letter, I did NOT fuck your wife/lover. I just fingered her. I was just trying to be discreet about referencing it, which is why I used the initial "f" for "fingering." Total brain fart!

Please tell Emily to write me back. Or Emily, if you are the one reading this, sorry about calling you a lesbian in the previous paragraph (unless you actually ARE a lesbian, in which case I am TOTALLY cool with that) Did my fingering you turn you gay? I hope not.

Sorry Again,

Michael Ian Black

Dear Emily,

Still no word from you. I feel like maybe we got off on the wrong foot right from the get-go, and I'd like to try to make it up to you.

Let me start over, and if you still don't want to write back, I will definitely understand.

(Starting over):

Dear Emily,

Hi! How are you? This is Michael Ian Black. We went to camp together a long time ago. In fact, we kind of "dated" one summer. Pretty funny, huh? I don't know if you remember me or not, but I definitely remember you. In fact, I have many fond memories of walking around the lake with you, playing knock hockey with you in the canteen, and also finger popping you.

The truth is, you were the first girl I ever fingered, and I still think about it all the time. Please take that as the compliment that it is intended to be, and not as anything "weird" or "creepy."

(Believe me, I could easily see how receiving a letter from a 35-year-old man reminiscing about fingering a 13-year-old girl could be construed as inappropriate. It was DEFINITELY not intended that way)

Anyway, if you get a moment, I'd love to hear all about your life. Do you like dogs?

Your Friend,

Michael Ian Black

Dear Emily,

It's starting to become clear to me that you have no intention of writing back. At first I thought it was because you were shy, and didn't know what to say in your letters, which is why I ended the last one with a question designed to begin a dialogue ("Do you like dogs?").

However, now I'm beginning to think you just don't want to communicate. Maybe you told your husband that HE was the first guy who ever fingered you, and these letters are a painful reminder of the lie you are living.

If that's the case, I DEFINITELY understand. I was once in similar position with a girl who wanted to put something (a small jar of martini olives) up my ass. Of course, I told her she was the first. But believe me when I tell you, she was FAR from the first.

I lost touch with that girl a long time ago, but if she were to write to me today, I think I would at least have the courtesy to write her back.

I hope you die.

Michael Ian Black

P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse.