Scientology Is ... Nice

AN APOLOGY:

Cracked.com contributor Tim Cameron, with the help of Betty Gluckin and a large chunk of the Cracked forum produced the song and video for "Scientology Is ... Nice", based on what Tim claimed was a six month-long investigation into the organization. We gladly accepted the work based on the title alone.

Now, having actually listened to it, there has erupted a bitter debate among Cracked.com staff. One side described it as "disgusting" and "juvenile," and stated it should never see the light of day on the site.

The other side believed that it should not only never see the light of day, but that it was in fact a "cancerous blight on the very face of civilization" that, if not obliterated, "would render all previous human cultural achievement into a corrupted filth equivalent to the scrapings from the scrotum of Satan himself."

Indeed, in the wake of our release of the song and video (and we cannot do otherwise, due to contractual obligation with Mr. Cameron) we expect a rich discourse about just how much disgust should be heaped upon it. We welcome this discussion, and offer our apologies.

Oh, and in case you missed anything, here are the lyrics.

Scientology Is ... Nice

Scientology is not the cult for me
And I was so naive to think they wouldn't try to screw me
Join, you'll understand
They'll make you feel a man
The trouble is, I mean that literally

Yes, I really should have guessed
From the man who gave the test
He wore a velvet leotard with assless chaps and pink mascara
Oh, I was a fool
For his electronic tool
That told me I was beautiful

And I love you L Ron Hubbard, but there's got to be another way
Tell me why my body thetan needs to have his wiener beaten
Every brother-humping day

Ronnie said to me, one day you'll be OT
But first you've got to nibble on this triple-filled dick pastry
But I could barely hear
(His balls were in my ear, which he assured was policy)

Now I'm struggling to learn which books I'm supposed to burn
Cos it's so hard to concentrate with fifteen men to masturbate
They said if I defect, they'll do a disconnect
And I'll never see my junk again

And I love you, Dave Miscavige, but your ramming is so savage
That I don't dare sit down
Tell me, how can I report you, when you've only gone and bought
Every officer in town

This is a parody, please don't burn my family
I've just, yeah I've just gotta say
That Scientology is ... nice

39 Comments

thebrazenape

Whoa... I think this is the first message board in the history of the internet where all the posts are actually CRITICIZING the content for being using anti-gay imagery. I needed to do a complete double-take!

Posted on 4/9/2008 1:49:06 AM

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Posted on 3/30/2008 5:00:29 AM

ע˰ʦ

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Posted on 3/22/2008 2:21:21 AM

饤֥å o

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Posted on 3/19/2008 3:50:17 AM

ͥ롡`

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Posted on 3/18/2008 10:29:18 PM

Onodera

It's so hard to post something humorous in this PC age. Most people don't get jokes or pick up sarcasm as it requires thought. Most people just skim... and that's as deep as their thoughts can take them. By the way, PC, in this instance means "politically correct". I knew I had to point that out from all the skimmers posting comments. I also wrote this long post to dissuade the skimmers from reading it. It's afternoon! Cheers!

Posted on 3/13/2008 11:47:33 AM

Its only

its only a fucking opinion, they take it so seriously, any anyway scientology..is...fucked up

Posted on 3/11/2008 8:32:54 AM

Anonymous

What is all the argument about??? Scientology's clearly gay; something born out by it's hugely homophobic doctrine.

Posted on 3/9/2008 4:10:16 AM

Corz

Everyone who cries about gays being offended here is a gigantic faggot.

Posted on 3/6/2008 8:55:48 PM

Bettytron

A high quality mp3 of the song can be found here: http://www.coloursrun.com/scientology_is_gay.mp3

Posted on 3/3/2008 8:40:29 PM

Jack Acid

Homophobia is Gay!

Posted on 3/3/2008 8:34:57 PM

Nidaba

I found this very funny. =] I don't think it is meant to be homophobic at all, it's making fun of the fact that Scientology is homophobic though. Sooo, Tim Cameron, any chance of uploading the full song to somewhere? It's so damn catchy.

Posted on 3/3/2008 6:02:47 PM