If the Super Bowl was really for football fans, every year's halftime show would be the same: John Cougar Mellencamp, Bruce Sprinsteen or Kid Rock covering songs from Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet as an attractive woman blows up household furniture with M-80s. In actuality, the Super Bowl is the Jerry Maguire of television events, pretending to be about football while catering to people who think a first down is something you pull off a baby goose. This year's show will feature Tom Petty, Paula Abdul and hopefully a few other things that were cool in the early '90s and now make us sad. But if you think this is the strangest lineup, you obviously don't remember ...
Super Bowl XXXVII, 2003
Buccaneers Vs. Raiders
"Sting is the perfect choice for this testosterone charged media event. I mean, 'sting' is what happens to you if you touch a bee, which hurts. Umm, and 'The Police' is a pretty intimidating name too. Black people are scared of the police."
The only thing that gets fans less fired up than watching a 125-pound British guy sing about fields of gold is watching a 125-pound British guy with one name sing about fields of gold. That, and "Roxanne."
Super Bowl XXXIV, 2000
Rams Vs. Titans
"Hey, he's the guy with the song about the 'air tonight,' right? Isn't that about letting someone die or something? That sounds kind of bad ass."
Hey, he's the guy who brought us soft-pop shitbombs like 'Sussudio' and recently penned the soundtrack to the decade's most mind-numbingly stupid children's film, Brother Bear, right?