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The 6 Most Unsettling Medication Side Effects

By Ian Fortey January 16, 2008 315,764 views
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Accutane

Being the kid who resembles a cross between the pock-marked crater that is Bryan Adams' face and the blistery red ass of a toad is no fun. Trust us, we know.

Thus, acne treatments are huge business. When the standard wipes and ointments have failed, there is the drug Accutane. This is the loose cannon cop of the acne drug world, the last resort when all other options have failed.

Side effects may include ...
Side effects can include crying spells, rectal bleeding and bone fractures.

Uh, wow. OK. Though all of this could be kind of funny if it happened to a friend, we suppose.

Somewhat less amusing, and well worth the description of "alarming" are side effects like hepatitis, psychosis and hirsutism. That last one is, in fact, an overabundance of hair. Finally, and we're unsure of the logistics on this one, but according to Rxlist.com, you can also, somehow, end up with herpes.

Basically, in your quest to get rid of acne, it's not outside the realm of possibility, slim though it may be, that you could end up as a psychotic wolfman with VD. One with anal bleeding.

Should you worry?
OK, each of those are just barely in the realm of possibility, and winding up with all of them has probably never happened. If it has, we'd have to speculate it was less the Accutane and more the vengeance of an angry Old Testament God trying to teach someone a lesson about vanity.

Zoloft

Anti-depressant Zoloft comes with enough side effects to turn anyone's terminal frown upside down.

Side effects may include...
While Viagra, predictably, comes with amusing warnings about prolonged erections, Zoloft too can saddle users with a "persistent, painful erection." So whether or not Zoloft actually makes you feel better about the world, the world will at least get the impression you're happy to see it.

This awful wood you're sporting also has the advantage of shooting blanks, as the mechanically labeled "ejaculation failure" is a fairly common side effect of the drug. While ejaculation failure is probably no laughing matter, the combination of words always makes us think of a very important military operation that has gone horribly awry. When the good guys attempt to deploy ejaculation, a computer screen flashes the words "Ejaculation Failure!" in bright, red letters, and the only choice left to save the world from the forces of evil is for the hero, possibly Patrick Swayze, to go out on the wing of an F-16 and ejaculate into the wind. Don't ask why, just accept that it will save the day.

Should you worry?
The ejaculation failure thing happened in about 14 percent of the patients in one study. The persistent painful boner thing is common to most drugs of that type, and shouldn't cause major problems, though can create issues in the workplace if you wrestle or teach ballroom dancing for a living.

Levaquin

Treating bacterial infections has been close to the hearts of sailors, businessmen and dad for years. Knowing this, the medical world wouldn't stop at just penicillin, it had to go out and create many drugs, such as Levaquin, to help battle the nasty souvenirs we get from rusty nails and drunken whores in foreign ports.

Side effects may include ...
It can turn you into a vampire.

Seriously. We mean, it can't make you immortal or bloodthirsty, but it can kill your ability to handle sunlight. It's called "phototoxicity," which is characterized by rapid, second-degree sunburns. So, basically a poor man's vampirism.

To some of us, the ones who took a lot of art in high school and play role playing board games, a side effect that makes you a little more vampiric could be cool. On the other hand, you're also courting some "ruptured tendons." So while you may think you've just become Crypt Lord Lesbos, you take a step towards the closet to put on your black velvet underwear and snap, there goes your Achilles tendon, exploding along with any hopes of ever getting laid.

Should you worry?
The bad stuff is rare and happens mainly to the elderly. If your body is a cesspool of bacteria and your doctor has prescribed you Levaquin as a result, please, please don't stop taking your pills as a result of this article. If your skin starts smoking in the sun or you suddenly start fearing crosses, call the doc and do whatever he says.

For an article about side effects that are a little more useful, check out our rundown of 5 Mental Disorders That Can Totally Get You Laid. Or if you're concerned about how you're going to pay for all of your painful-boner-giving, gambling-problem-inducing medicine, head over to the blog and see what John Edwards plans to do about it.


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4931 Comments

I took Zoloft a long time ago but I don't remember any of it because I take Valium now and I can't remember a thing anymore :)

10/29/2009 11:11:02 AM
Disorder

If you're a woman and you want to take Accutane, they make you take a pregnancy test and use birth control. Then they give you periodic pregnancy tests and you have to sign something saying if you get pregnant while on it, you WILL terminate. That's how bad it can f**k up a fetus.

8/21/2009 12:00:36 PM
mordredlefay

I took Acutane and the only side effects I had were chapped lips and achey kness

7/17/2009 11:02:15 PM
Chickamauga

I've taken most of these medications, and I've only had a few problems with them. If I stop taking Zoloft, I get electric shocks. You know the feeling you get when you stick a charged 9-volt battery to your tongue? It's like that, but it's all over. The doctors claim to have never heard of it, although there are plenty of sites describing it. Also, I seem to be allergic to Requip. It makes me shake and sweat. I took it once at work, and my boss nearly sent me home. I feel a lot better about the side effects I've had now that I've read this article.

7/15/2009 11:29:37 PM
AshsWorkshed

The main weakness of vampires with none of the strengths... granted, sunlight won't make you spontaneously combust, but it's still a bad deal.

7/12/2009 8:55:13 AM
Luigifan

I take the meds for Restless Legs...there are hundreds of insane side effects apart from the gambling sex.

4/6/2009 4:33:02 AM
groovyeuph

Good LORD, this comment section is overrun with spam!

3/31/2009 6:03:04 PM
RammsteinFoSho

There are commercials on TV now for some drug with a nasty side effect. It's tuberculosis. Seriously. I can't remember what the drug is actually for, but it can make you cough to death.

12/4/2008 7:01:21 PM
Yaraday

Uhmmm... spam much?

9/2/2008 12:25:20 PM
Tartra

Worse thing about having combined bleeding anus and a VD are that it grossly diminishes the chances of people believing you when you try to tell them that they're just the side effects of your acne medicine.

7/28/2008 9:12:38 AM
Maokun

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5/28/2008 6:08:59 PM
ogami1972

Hey Ian what bunch of crap. Do something called research before you start to mislead people.

Did your mother drop you?

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