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The 5 Current Genetic Experiments Most Likely to Destroy Humanity

By Robert Brockway January 9, 2008 1,598,094 views
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#4.
Jellyfish-Monkeys

Good lord, what is it?
When your children ask you how the Jellyfish Apes came to be your masters, you can put on your best wizened old-man voice and tell them "it all began in the year 2000," which, in addition to being true, will also lend your tale a nice, distinct science fiction sound. Yes, it all began at the Oregon Regional Primate Research Center in November of the year 2000. Scientists modified a harmless virus with jellyfish genes and introduced it into the embryos of Rhesus monkeys, which sure beat the old-fashioned way of making a Jellyfish Monkey--furiously masturbating a jellyfish directly over a spread eagle monkey.

For the love of god, why are they doing this?
The researchers hoped to make the monkey glow. Seriously, that's it. The researchers justify continuation of these experiments with a lot of fancy talk about tracking the genetic markers and learning how to create stable, transgenic monkeys for future experiments. But, in the end we all know that, like us, they really only wanted to throw decadent and hilarious monkey raves.

The researchers, who we assume are the esteemed Professors Cheech and Chong, were operating under the somewhat controversial thesis that "if ... if monkeys like, glowed, man? That'd be fuckin' crazy!"

So far, though, all of these experiments have only resulted in one actual monkey with glowing hair and fingernails which was, sadly, stillborn. Researchers chalked this up mostly to the excess of fluorescent protein produced by the dead monkey, and only a little bit to the great and furious anger of an Old Testament God hurling ominous omens at them like the dodge balls they were also bad at avoiding in middle school.

What's going to happen to us?
To give the researchers credit, a glowing monkey would be almost twice as hilarious as a normal monkey, but unfortunately the first experiment failed and the first surviving monkey does not actually glow. Perhaps more unfortunately, he is also now part jellyfish, an animal as notorious for its gelatinous skeleton as it is for its painful, sometimes lethal stings.

Combine this with the highly intelligent nature of the typical primate, its superhuman strength and agility and complete lack of higher human emotions such as guilt, pity or regret and you've got a remorseless screeching, shit-flinging, venom-tentacled, unearthly monsters with no bones to break. Oh, and thanks to inept scientists, it won't even glow in the dark so that you might see them coming for you through the fucking trees.

Isn't there something familiar about the combination of monkeys and jellyfish? We don't mean to fear-monger, here, but the image of a primal, yet vaguely human form prone to translucence and glowing and outfitted with wet, flailing tentacles just sounds too familiar to us.

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283 Comments

yeah, i thought that flees on the mice spread the plague? right?

9/11/2009 3:29:09 AM
lonnyp

Hang on a second... "The 5 Most Hated Creatures on the Planet (Don't Deserve It)" claims the rodents did NOT spread the plague.... Make up your minds, guys xD

Oh wait... what? You were not really trying to make sense at all? ah yeah, that DOES make some sense :)

9/5/2009 6:29:59 AM
Lilien

Please, don't use God's or Jesus's Name in vain.

9/4/2009 11:59:29 AM
dfthaman

Why does this remind me of the movie idiocracy,
Seriously are they running out of ideas?

9/2/2009 11:30:26 PM
cookieclown2000

LOLOLOL Taurens irl xD

9/1/2009 6:51:24 PM
XxGofigurexX

Lol. When I read the goat/spider portion of the article, I couldn't help but picture a gigantic spider web with a goat chilling in it. I was expecting a picture of that in the article.

You did not have it.

I hate you.

I hate all of you.

=D

9/1/2009 9:41:41 AM
elgsus

"...coupled with the complete and utter inability to ever get laid again as you inform potential lovers that you have PERVS, which actually gets worse once you attempt to explain that it "doesn't mean I'm a pervert, it's more like having Pig-AIDS."

I think I just found the funniest sentence I have ever read on Cracked.
Jesus Christ.

7/28/2009 8:20:23 AM
Agent Diner

The first human testing of superspeedygonzales heroin began many, many years ago and helps give boosted run and swim speed, endurance, and f*****g uncontrolled-child making tendencies to, you guessed it.... dirty mexicans.

7/19/2009 12:31:36 AM
Kindahuge

Sticking the glowing gene from jellyfish into other stuff is so overdone. There's no way it would destroy humanity.

7/15/2009 3:57:20 PM
hisserbee

That second pictue on the page about Jellyfish Monkeys looks like a dick

6/26/2009 7:16:25 PM
getcruunkk

Actually, as Jonathan Wojcik wrote in his article about critters that earn our undeserved hate, mice and rats aren't THAT much of a vector. The plague was spread by ticks. So, we really only have to worry about rediculously FAST vermin. Oh, and the eventual tweaked out, psychotic super-men, bent on raping us.

6/26/2009 7:47:00 AM
McWipp

@Sephy the Vegan

Meat is MURDER!!!








Tasty, TASTY murder...

6/18/2009 6:19:37 AM
MrHand

http://img191.imageshack.us/img191/4734/spidergoat.png

^This is what I see

6/14/2009 10:13:52 PM
hikariandsunny

aww man.why THE f**k did they have to ban animal/human hybrids?
(alright im a furry fan so what.)

6/12/2009 9:35:45 AM
dethklokfan45

I couldn't help but read Sephy's comment below in a "LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOOONE!" voice.

6/7/2009 7:58:00 PM
Ragtatter

Okay, I found the other's funny, but seriously; making fun of Vegetarians and Vegans? Now that's just f*****g stupid.

Stop being such a f*****g p***k and stereotyping everyone who made this choice as a f*****g pansy who can't take the social qualms of real life. Seriously.

I'm a vegan. I know people hunt and kill and eat animals. Good for them. Humans are supposed to do that. I just don't feel comfortable eating something that had heartbeat. Deal? We're not spineless shits like you seem to think we are.

Stop being such an immature p***k.

6/7/2009 6:14:14 PM
Sephy

I know they have glowing cats. Their skin glows, not the fur. really weird looking.

6/6/2009 8:12:21 AM
Giblet_Head

I don't know if anyone's mentioned this, but we do have glowing mice (as opposed to yet glowing monkeys). Real glow-in-the-dark fluorescent mice: I believe the scientists who came up with them won a Nobel prize or something.

4/18/2009 5:15:43 PM
scary-sushi

I don't know about the rest of these, but SPEEDY GONZALEZ.
Oh please, we have waited too long GIVE US GONZALEZ!

3/4/2009 5:25:09 PM
RuvreeJohnson

with all this stuff life will become very extremely interseting. maybe even create another intelligant species to share earth with and do trade (haha). should splice something with WATER BEAR genes. look it up its not actually a bear. and is near unkillable.

3/1/2009 6:50:58 AM
tissmekyle

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