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The 5 Current Genetic Experiments Most Likely to Destroy Humanity

By Robert Brockway January 9, 2008 1,312,905 views
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#4.
Jellyfish-Monkeys

Good lord, what is it?
When your children ask you how the Jellyfish Apes came to be your masters, you can put on your best wizened old-man voice and tell them "it all began in the year 2000," which, in addition to being true, will also lend your tale a nice, distinct science fiction sound. Yes, it all began at the Oregon Regional Primate Research Center in November of the year 2000. Scientists modified a harmless virus with jellyfish genes and introduced it into the embryos of Rhesus monkeys, which sure beat the old-fashioned way of making a Jellyfish Monkey--furiously masturbating a jellyfish directly over a spread eagle monkey.

For the love of god, why are they doing this?
The researchers hoped to make the monkey glow. Seriously, that's it. The researchers justify continuation of these experiments with a lot of fancy talk about tracking the genetic markers and learning how to create stable, transgenic monkeys for future experiments. But, in the end we all know that, like us, they really only wanted to throw decadent and hilarious monkey raves.

The researchers, who we assume are the esteemed Professors Cheech and Chong, were operating under the somewhat controversial thesis that "if ... if monkeys like, glowed, man? That'd be fuckin' crazy!"

So far, though, all of these experiments have only resulted in one actual monkey with glowing hair and fingernails which was, sadly, stillborn. Researchers chalked this up mostly to the excess of fluorescent protein produced by the dead monkey, and only a little bit to the great and furious anger of an Old Testament God hurling ominous omens at them like the dodge balls they were also bad at avoiding in middle school.

What's going to happen to us?
To give the researchers credit, a glowing monkey would be almost twice as hilarious as a normal monkey, but unfortunately the first experiment failed and the first surviving monkey does not actually glow. Perhaps more unfortunately, he is also now part jellyfish, an animal as notorious for its gelatinous skeleton as it is for its painful, sometimes lethal stings.

Combine this with the highly intelligent nature of the typical primate, its superhuman strength and agility and complete lack of higher human emotions such as guilt, pity or regret and you've got a remorseless screeching, shit-flinging, venom-tentacled, unearthly monsters with no bones to break. Oh, and thanks to inept scientists, it won't even glow in the dark so that you might see them coming for you through the fucking trees.

Isn't there something familiar about the combination of monkeys and jellyfish? We don't mean to fear-monger, here, but the image of a primal, yet vaguely human form prone to translucence and glowing and outfitted with wet, flailing tentacles just sounds too familiar to us.

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274 Comments

That second pictue on the page about Jellyfish Monkeys looks like a dick

6/26/2009 7:16:25 PM
getcruunkk

Actually, as Jonathan Wojcik wrote in his article about critters that earn our undeserved hate, mice and rats aren't THAT much of a vector. The plague was spread by ticks. So, we really only have to worry about rediculously FAST vermin. Oh, and the eventual tweaked out, psychotic super-men, bent on raping us.

6/26/2009 7:47:00 AM
McWipp

@Sephy the Vegan

Meat is MURDER!!!








Tasty, TASTY murder...

6/18/2009 6:19:37 AM
MrHand

http://img191.imageshack.us/img191/4734/spidergoat.png

^This is what I see

6/14/2009 10:13:52 PM
hikariandsunny

aww man.why THE f**k did they have to ban animal/human hybrids?
(alright im a furry fan so what.)

6/12/2009 9:35:45 AM
dethklokfan45

I couldn't help but read Sephy's comment below in a "LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOOONE!" voice.

6/7/2009 7:58:00 PM
Ragtatter

Okay, I found the other's funny, but seriously; making fun of Vegetarians and Vegans? Now that's just f*****g stupid.

Stop being such a f*****g p***k and stereotyping everyone who made this choice as a f*****g pansy who can't take the social qualms of real life. Seriously.

I'm a vegan. I know people hunt and kill and eat animals. Good for them. Humans are supposed to do that. I just don't feel comfortable eating something that had heartbeat. Deal? We're not spineless shits like you seem to think we are.

Stop being such an immature p***k.

6/7/2009 6:14:14 PM
Sephy

I know they have glowing cats. Their skin glows, not the fur. really weird looking.

6/6/2009 8:12:21 AM
Giblet_Head

I don't know if anyone's mentioned this, but we do have glowing mice (as opposed to yet glowing monkeys). Real glow-in-the-dark fluorescent mice: I believe the scientists who came up with them won a Nobel prize or something.

4/18/2009 5:15:43 PM
scary-sushi

I don't know about the rest of these, but SPEEDY GONZALEZ.
Oh please, we have waited too long GIVE US GONZALEZ!

3/4/2009 5:25:09 PM
RuvreeJohnson

with all this stuff life will become very extremely interseting. maybe even create another intelligant species to share earth with and do trade (haha). should splice something with WATER BEAR genes. look it up its not actually a bear. and is near unkillable.

3/1/2009 6:50:58 AM
tissmekyle

I'm just waiting for replicant slaves and off world colonies. Then I could finally get some use out of this blade runner costume I made.

And for the record, I hate monkeys. So the notion of crossing them with a damned jelly fish...and failing to make them glow makes me want to scream myself to sleep. However, if they could get them to grow they wouldn't be able to sneak up on you so easily. So I guess I'm saying I want them to continue the research.

2/16/2009 4:56:29 PM
Jigsawjaybus

what about crab people
(you know crab people..taste like crab, talk like people)

1/6/2009 8:54:25 PM
DeemSleep

lol guyverx that just made my day
you forgot to add
spider + human = spiderman

1/5/2009 10:54:00 PM
SamuraiZach0

That spider-goat is a pansy. A REAL spider-goat would have eight legs, horns, fangs, venom, and shoot web from their mouths. That would be f*cking awesome.

1/5/2009 4:36:32 PM
POLLY

"which sure beat the old-fashioned way of making a Jellyfish Monkey--furiously masturbating a jellyfish directly over a spread eagle monkey."

Call me a romantic, but I disagree.

1/4/2009 7:36:19 PM
thelastlemon

As I was reading the Spider-Goat portion of the article, I overheard goats on the TV behind me. As it turns out, they were covering the scientist who thought up these monsters on the science channel. IT'S AN OMEN!!!!!!

1/4/2009 12:05:40 PM
Menasyng

well they will just have to create super-soldiers to combat the animals.
komodo dragon + human = lizard man
crocodile + human = croc
bat + human = batman or dracula
rhino + human = the rhino
lion + human = lion - o

12/15/2008 4:30:26 PM
guyverx

"expect in the near future to be chased up the frozen side of a sheer cliff face by dog-sized goat-spiders who will suck the life-force from your prone body, after ultimately snaring you with the unbreakable projectile webs shot from their tits"

this happened to me once. in peru.

12/9/2008 8:33:31 PM
ewok_arsonist

Look at the names for the Goats: Webster and PETER.

Why Peter you ask? Simple. Think about PETER Parker, who was Spider-man.

11/24/2008 6:01:40 PM
xtkbilly

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