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#5.
Ike Berger's Five Minute Power Shaper
What they're selling: The hyperbole:
Meanwhile, the grandma looks like she needs to re-read the manual.
People that workout do not have a bored/exasperated look on their face during their workouts. Rather, the commercial seems to be depicting what lazy people THINK they would look like if someone forced their fat asses into the gym. The reality: #4.
Tiddy Bear
What they are selling: The hyperbole: The reality:
We've gone all this way without mentioning the obvious fact that we're supposed to hear "Titty Bear" when they say the product name. That ill-fitting name and the near-uselessness of the product makes us suspect some company inherited a warehouse filled with 100,000 of these in unmarked boxes. Then they sat around for a whole afternoon trying to figure out what the fuck they were for, and finally ran out of time and just settled on "Seatbelt cushion." #3.
Pasta Pro
What they're selling: The hyperbole: For our money, the cameo by cocksucker husband, who irritably taps his watch when his wife drops the pasta, is the clear winner. The expected "Where's my dinner bitch?" comment is never uttered, but it is practically swirling around on screen in capitalized letters like tiny angry-man sugar plums.
Also, on top of saving your marriage, the amazingly versatile Pasta Pro fits both gas and electric stoves.
You try to pull that shit with a regular pot, the bastard's likely to burst into flame. You won't have time to worry about that, though, as the fierce blows rain down from your husband's belt. The reality: #2.
Powerjet
What they're selling: The hyperbole: It only takes about a second for the infuriating truth to sink in, because the timer or something has run out on the water. He's dressed casually and washing his car, so you would assume that time is on his side. You would be wrong. He is in a fucking hurry. From the moment he notices the water has stopped, he stalks around like a cornered animal, clawing at his pockets for quarters, and lashing out at nearby equipment. That is, until the climax of the scene when he collapses on his car in despair, for a lack of change and a surplus of soap.
The denouement, and our highlight, is a dazzling feat of nonsensical stagecraft: a final insulting splash of soapy water out of fucking nowhere.
Our interpretation? Self-service car washes are self-aware and, more importantly, malevolent. The reality: The novelty of the Powerjet is supposed to be the little compartment for adding soap. Soap wasn't car wash guy's problem. In fact, based on what we know about him so far, giving him more soap would risk driving him to psychosis and murder. A subsequent dramatic collapse onto whatever happens to be available at the time is quite possible, and even likely. #1.
Miracle Blade III (Perfection Series)
What they're selling: The hyperbole:
The next shot shows us a guy who is apparently "ruining his meal" by carving his turkey perfectly, completely without the help of a Miracle Blade.
Finally, we are shown a guy dressed like a construction worker cutting some meat with a hacksaw, wearing safety hat and glasses no less.
We realize he's supposed to be a playful caricature, which is odd considering the entire joke here seems to be that the knives you have at home are probably fine and don't really need replacing. It seriously makes us wonder if somebody at the ad company just said "fuck it" and decided to see if the manufacturer and/or the customers would notice an intentionally retarded ad. Well, the verdict is apparently in. The intro says they're the best-selling knives in America. The reality: Hopefully that person wasn't peeling a potato when that happened. Otherwise, we owe the Handy Peel an apology. You can find more of Glenn's stuff on his blog SoapBoxFrequent. If you liked this article, check out blogger Ross Wolinsky's article on The 10 Most Ridiculous Inventions Ever Patented . |
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all of these are hilarious. Another thing about the pasta pots, which I recieved one xmas as a gift, is they tend to rust badly after about 4 uses. Great, I've collanders I've had for about 15 years that still haven't even so much as melted a tad.
I can't believe the "Mr.T home burglary prevention kit" wasn't in this. It was a pretty long time ago. This "device" was a long round piece of plastic you attached to your doorknob. The idea was that when a burglar tried sneaking into your house by using the doorknob(don't all burglars use this method, the elastic, attached to a hook inside the house, prevented him/her from opening the door except for a few feet. The elastic was actually a big rubber band and, I'm a tad on the heavy side, but I could squeeze in the gap left by the elastic. Worse, unless the burglar was a typical "98 pound weakling" he could easily 1)snap the elastic or 2)give enough pressure to tear the hook off the wall. The ad was complete with Mr. T saying he "pitied the foo'" who was stupid enough to try and steal from a home with the Mr.T burglary prevention device in place. At first I thought this ad was a funny skit as I had encountered it on the old satellite dish(the big ones) while flipping channels...nope, it was for real.
For burglary prevention, a "beware of dog" sign was a better defense than that kit.
I couldn't stop laughing at the "tiddy bear". Not normal laughter, either. Like, uncontrollable, sounds-like-I'm-crying laughter. It was awful.
honorable mention goes to: Fukuoku 8000
Hyperbole: back massagers are too bulky and difficult to use, whereas the Fukuoku 8000 (for 8000 vibrations per minute) was much more useful and easier to use, as it slipped right over your index finger.
Reality: it's a tiny vibrator.
Wow is all I gotta say #10 had me in its firm grasp of unquestionable hilarity, but the whole articule was wicked silly good!
"tiny angry-man sugar plums" makes me laugh every time. Damn you!
Forty three seconds into the Magne-pen ad, we get a shot of two kids running full-tilt down the street with a pen tied inches away from their throats. Brilliant idea.
Cracked you have had me in tears for the last hour with the article and all the comments.
It is also quite comical how the makers of these commercials think we are both mentally and physically helpless.
Goddamn you pasta pro! You're making me hungry for tortellini and ravioli. For the girl with the Celiac disease who hasn't found a good(or at all) substitute for those, it's like mental torture, and scratch the like.
The most sad part about the Lil' Reminder is that the product it is claiming is overpriced, records for 27 hours and can store 199x5 files. Hmmm, how is the cost equivalence on that? It's also obsolete, so...
"oh and i do not cook that much... but you now I have to satisfie my knife-driven psycopatic behavior someway, dón´t i?"
pd. f you want to see this spots in latin america just tune in ESPN...
pd2. her in mexico there is even an award to "the best" infomertial..."pantalla de cristal" "Crystal screen"... ... ...
The girl at 1:01 in the magnescribe commercial is pretty damn hot.
forget all the other ads, i want those 29 cent per pound bannanas!
You can totally see that womans nipples in the Powerjet commercial.
"On Friday I told my wife that she urgently had to get her medication from the pharmacy ... She recorded the message on her recorder (I saw her do it) ... she couldn't play back what was on the recorder. It was too late to go to any pharmacy ... My wife didn't get her medication. The funeral was Monday."
Uh wtf. Why didnt her bastard husband go get her medication for her if she was freaking dieing????
I think the chick in the pink shirt just wanted something to motorboat her boobs
I bet that they use the handy peel for scraping dead skin of kids in the f*****g burn ward....
the titty bear? oh wait thank you for spelling it out t-e-d-d-y bear.
I love how the rock already had ridges cut into it. Plus, a person may be able to avoid f*****g up their loaf of bread if they... gee I dunno... DON'T PRESS DOWN ON IT!!!
So disturbing this article should have its own unsettling PSA.
Here are five classic anti-drug ads, our analysis of what they set out to do and the unintended consequences they actually had.
Here, allow us to terrify you into buying our fine product!
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cpruka25
My personal favorite is the miracle blade 3 what happened to 1 and 2? Also who the hell would want to cut a pinapple in mid air?? By the looks of it the way the blade went toward his face he sliced his ear off! Amazing!! LMAO!! Rediculous!!