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#5.
Ike Berger's Five Minute Power Shaper
What they're selling: The hyperbole:
Meanwhile, the grandma looks like she needs to re-read the manual.
People that workout do not have a bored/exasperated look on their face during their workouts. Rather, the commercial seems to be depicting what lazy people THINK they would look like if someone forced their fat asses into the gym. The reality: #4.
Tiddy Bear
What they are selling: The hyperbole: The reality:
We've gone all this way without mentioning the obvious fact that we're supposed to hear "Titty Bear" when they say the product name. That ill-fitting name and the near-uselessness of the product makes us suspect some company inherited a warehouse filled with 100,000 of these in unmarked boxes. Then they sat around for a whole afternoon trying to figure out what the fuck they were for, and finally ran out of time and just settled on "Seatbelt cushion." #3.
Pasta Pro
What they're selling: The hyperbole: For our money, the cameo by cocksucker husband, who irritably taps his watch when his wife drops the pasta, is the clear winner. The expected "Where's my dinner bitch?" comment is never uttered, but it is practically swirling around on screen in capitalized letters like tiny angry-man sugar plums.
Also, on top of saving your marriage, the amazingly versatile Pasta Pro fits both gas and electric stoves.
You try to pull that shit with a regular pot, the bastard's likely to burst into flame. You won't have time to worry about that, though, as the fierce blows rain down from your husband's belt. The reality: #2.
Powerjet
What they're selling: The hyperbole: It only takes about a second for the infuriating truth to sink in, because the timer or something has run out on the water. He's dressed casually and washing his car, so you would assume that time is on his side. You would be wrong. He is in a fucking hurry. From the moment he notices the water has stopped, he stalks around like a cornered animal, clawing at his pockets for quarters, and lashing out at nearby equipment. That is, until the climax of the scene when he collapses on his car in despair, for a lack of change and a surplus of soap.
The denouement, and our highlight, is a dazzling feat of nonsensical stagecraft: a final insulting splash of soapy water out of fucking nowhere.
Our interpretation? Self-service car washes are self-aware and, more importantly, malevolent. The reality: The novelty of the Powerjet is supposed to be the little compartment for adding soap. Soap wasn't car wash guy's problem. In fact, based on what we know about him so far, giving him more soap would risk driving him to psychosis and murder. A subsequent dramatic collapse onto whatever happens to be available at the time is quite possible, and even likely. #1.
Miracle Blade III (Perfection Series)
What they're selling: The hyperbole:
The next shot shows us a guy who is apparently "ruining his meal" by carving his turkey perfectly, completely without the help of a Miracle Blade.
Finally, we are shown a guy dressed like a construction worker cutting some meat with a hacksaw, wearing safety hat and glasses no less.
We realize he's supposed to be a playful caricature, which is odd considering the entire joke here seems to be that the knives you have at home are probably fine and don't really need replacing. It seriously makes us wonder if somebody at the ad company just said "fuck it" and decided to see if the manufacturer and/or the customers would notice an intentionally retarded ad. Well, the verdict is apparently in. The intro says they're the best-selling knives in America. The reality: Hopefully that person wasn't peeling a potato when that happened. Otherwise, we owe the Handy Peel an apology. You can find more of Glenn's stuff on his blog SoapBoxFrequent. If you liked this article, check out blogger Ross Wolinsky's article on The 10 Most Ridiculous Inventions Ever Patented . |
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When that chef was saying how great the knife is for skinning fish or whatever, why didn't he use a f*****g fish? How is a tomato anything like a fish?
Hahahaha Titty Bear? That is f*****g HILARIOUS
Hey! You find doing jump rope is hard? Well try the New JUMPSNAP!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Va2Ydlf2cqc&feature=channel_page
This should have made it
How did they leave ou the wearable towel?
& the chick is toplesss?!?!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjdyjL0dbG8
To: Dingo666
I remember the easy fold...actually..when I was about 10 or 11 I showed my mom how stupid the commercial was by making one out of a sheet of bristol board... It worked too, kept me from folding laundry til it ripped and I threw it out ^_^
My issue isn't so much the advertising to eavesdroppers and church-goers alike... My problem is, who goes to church wearing headphones? How is that OK?!
you know thinking bout it who is the guy who does the voices on these ads? he is like a sign that this porduct wont work... so is billy maise for that matter...
later the people at the my lil reminder it seems posted 2 comments to say "dont read the other comments this pure gold". on the potato peeler, dude why not just eat the damn peels? i mean sure clean off the eyes. back when i was still nieve bout the workings of the world i bought something like a listen up... the feedback nearly killed me. the reason the guy isnt dieing from the crowds cheering is that he cant here anything but a high pitched squealing while thinking "why isnt this piece of s**t working"... also us church goers are probably the people most known for eavesdropping to gossip (i dont kid) my grandmother would one minute condemn those who where like this while the next telling anyone she could tell what my cousin was doing behind her husband's back... kinda a sad truth...
I so want them to review this thing [can't remember the name because it was so shite], easy fold or something, its a piece of plastic and you put a t-shirt in it and close the sides, which "folds" your clothes all nicely. What a waste of space and time and plastic...The TV ad was also atrocious, with clothes willy nilly lying on the shelves but after using the piece of plastic, they were all neat like in a shop...
ive always wanted the miracle blade knives.
I agree with ultra_violet. The spokeswoman for comercial #2 seemed to really enjoy the Power Jet.
The Tiddy Bear!
I love it! I mean what the f**k!
Oh, god. I think my Math teacher has a plastic rip-off magnescribe . . . It made me randomly laugh in the middle of class at my teacher, and no one knew what the hell I was laughing at.
I am sad to report that my husband actually bought the Listen Up. It magnifies everything to the point that he can't use it. I can't sleep with noise so he thought "Gee, I'll spend 10 bucks on this and I can stay up to watch porn". Nope. It makes the heater so loud that he still can't hear the damn tv.
Some of these ads are great.
Funniest article ever.
Hey I had those "Pasta Pro" pots for like four years and they worked awesome.
It's funny to see how much some people suck at life in these commercials. The Miracle Blade lady who nicked a tomato's artery held the knife like a murderer then violently chop-sliced it, she is clearly as unstable as the car wash guy.
#7's comments are hilarious! "I bought this product because I saw it advertised on TV and thought that it would be great to hear people coming when I am in my room masturbating... I was wrong"
i've always wanted the listen up thing so that i can spy on people
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A Series of Poor Decisions: The Twitter Song
I used to work at RadioShack, and loads of stupid, proud old people would come in asking about the Listen Up. After the first two weeks, I refused to sell it. Every person I or my coworkers sold it to would bring it back the next day. That's right; they hated it so much they would bring it back within twenty-four hours. Then they would start yelling about what a piece of junk the Listen Up was. The manager had the audacity to get mad at me for not wanting to subject myself to that as often as possible.