30 Reasons Eminem is Bad for Music
London Institute of Culture and Rap Studies
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Bigotry
Eminem is famous for rampant anti-Semitism. His recent hit Without Me complains "...well the FCZ won't let me be," apparently referring to the Founder's Conspiracy of Zionists, a supposed secret jewish mind-control plot often mentioned in Neo-Nazi literature. Why doesn't somebody take him to task on this?
- Get the man a therapist
Eminem brags in his lyrics that he has named his penis "Haley" and refers to it constantly in his latest songs. And we pay to listen?
- Get the man a therapist part 2...
The "Haley" references include this bizarre and deeply disturbing threat toward his mother:
"Ma.... Haley's getting so big now, you should see her, she's beautiful!
But you'll never see her, she won't even be at your funeral!"
- Get the man a therapist, part 3...
Did you notice that the famously homophobic Eminem refers to his genitalia as "she?" Why can't we get help for this man?
- The backwards mask
When played backwards, several of Eminem's songs reveal curse words, including several instances of the word cr*p.
- Sexism
Women are nothing but mindless receptacles for sex in Eminem's world, as evidenced by his current hit Hot in Here where he issues these commands: "It's getting hot in here... so take off all your clothes." In the chorus a female voice responds in submission, "I'm gonna take my clothes off." A terrifying look into a misogynist fantasy.
- Read between the lines, part 2
If you listen closely to Without Me Eminem threatens another man that "you could get your ass kicked." At best this is a reference to vindictive animal cruelty, at worst it's a curse word and should not be allowed in music. If you interpret it as the latter, replace the "a" above with an asterisk.
- Why isn't he in jail?
Eminem repeatedly brags about his criminal background, even stating in one early song that he would "rock the mic like a vandal." Is this the role model you want for your children?
- Worse than stealing
Enormous sales of Eminem albums in recent years have detracted from those of far superior artists, such as Elvis Costello and Indigo Girls. There are rumors that they will file a lawsuit.
- Bigotry, part 2
In his hit film 8 Mile (which sources tell me is a reference to the supposed length of Eminem's penis) the star issues this shameful "battle rap" tirade toward an African-American opponent:
Get yo' negro rhymes out my white face
You don't try to mess with the master race
I'm gonna use rap to bring back slavery
Then I'll shave your 'fro in my shavery
I bust Aryan rhymes from the phrase to the letter
'Cuz anything blacks can do, whites can do better.
- Entertainment takes a brain
In his song The Real Slim Shady Eminem commands followers to "circle the parking lot" in their cars, and in the next line commands:
...please stand up.
Put one of your fingers on each hand up.
This would be impossible to do while driving.
- The numbers don't lie
Eminem is rap's most popular artist; but a 1998 University of Chicago study proved rap is the least enjoyable form of popular music, probably due to its horn deficit. Rap scored an 8.6 on the Henderson Audiological Good Scale. By comparison, the study found that Classical music scored a 16.9, Christian Rock a 19.6, and a spectacular 22.4 for ska.
So why do rap fans pretend to enjoy it?
- Why isn't this man in jail? Part 2
Eminem confesses to several murders in his lyrics (see Bonnie and Clyde '97) and after more than five years of an intensive homicide investigation, police still have no evidence that Eminem did not participate in the murder of rapper Tupac Shakur.
- What century is this?
Did anyone else find it disturbing that all of the black characters in Eminem's hit movie
8 Mile were played by Caucasian actors in blackface?
- He's a fraud
Listen closely to the beautiful chorus of the song Stan. Do you hear it? That's not Eminem's voice. Why don't you give credit to whoever really did the singing, Mr. Eminem? I guess he's too young to have heard of Milli Vanilli.
- It's not true music
If you listen closely, you can hear that Mr. Eminem's background music is generated by a machine, and in fact Eminem does not know how to play a musical instrument. Isn't it strange that we have made this man a millionaire, when he is an inferior musician to even I, who learned to play the tuba in High School? Further, music theorists prove that true music must contain a horn section. To quote Greek philosopher Asquintas:
Oh horn
The sword with which thou sad is shorn
Men hath no frown when their world is horned
Your golden blowsong, which demons hath hated
Like a brass flaresnake, longing to be inflated
- Read between the lines
Some of the lyrics in another recent hit, Closet, could be interpreted as being insulting to his mother (his mother being Michigan Senator Wilma Shady) and to his father (Leave it to Beaver star Jerry Mathers). Eminem relates an apparently traumatic experience when his father "split" but in reality his father returned just two hours later.
- Why isn't he in jail? Part 3
Eminem's song from a few years ago, Cop Killer, encouraged violence against police and is considered one of the ugliest pieces of music ever written.
- Did I mention he should be in jail?
In Closet Eminem proudly declares, "I got skeletons in my closet." It is widely thought by me that this is the skeleton of Tupac Shakur. Have the police not heard this recording? Wouldn't this song be grounds for a search warrant?
- Cinematic Idiocy
Speaking of 8 Mile, the final scene had the audience I watched it with howling with laughter. There is almost no way to disarm a nuclear device using only rap.
- Original? Hardly
The song The Real Slim Shady is a cover of the Roy Orbison song of the same name, released in 1976.
- The occult connection
In the lyrics of Without Me, Eminem confesses he "created a monster." It is widely thought that he performed a ritual of Jewish mysticism to raise a Golem. From the text, it was apparently constructed of chopped liver, wheat, and hard liquor.
- The occult connection, part 2
It is widely thought that the aforementioned Golem went on to become Andrew W.K.
- Know the Man
Eminem's hair is not naturally yellow; he dies it chemically. Such physical dishonesty has long been an indicator of weak character. To quote Sartorius:
Beware the man with a tinted mane
For it is theft thou soul doth contain
He longs for your brother's oxen
He longs for your boy's ass
When he is near, keep both well-chained!
- Bringing out the worst in us...
Eminem glorifies cold, unfeeling amorality with the lyrics:
Ice, ice, baby. Too cold, too cold.
Ice ice, baby. Too cold, too cold.
- Excuses, excuses
Eminem claims in Cleaning Out my Closet that he is a victim of "Munchausen's Syndrome," apparently as a way to defend his anti-woman attitudes (Derrick Van Munchausen was the real name of troubled 80's pop star Rick James).
- As further evidence...
In his hit Mongrels, Eminem states:
Impure races
In nonwhite places
Gonna rearrange your face
Like Trading Spaces
See anything wrong with those lyrics? That's right; they're stolen word-for-word from the hit Unwhite Holocaust by Simon and Garfunkel.
- Verbal filth
To quote the song Kill You:
Bitch I'ma kill you! You ain't got the balls to beef
We ain't goin' never stop beefin' I don't squash the beef
Why would we let our money support this growing and malignant anti-vegetarian movement?
- The incomplete performer
Hey, Mr. Eminem. Standing still and moving your arms slightly is not dancing.
There is no question in my mind that any performer who won't take the time to learn the art of dance should not be allowed to sign a record deal. To quote Farquitheus:
The rod of joy smites the male
Whose limbs hath flail
Jump! Flail! Jump! Flail!
I have soiled myself.
- Conspiracy of silence
It is widely thought that Eminem was one of the key players in covering up the faking of Tupac Shakur's death.
- Get the man a therapist
Yeah, he's still an anti-woman piece of garbage that contributes to the decline of Western Civilization. But yeah, I can see how it's overkill when people complain about him. I mean, he only talks about violently raping and killing the mother of his child, his mother, etc., etc., in like half the songs on each album! How could you not enjoy hearing his musical "genius"??? Man, people are just wayyyyy too sensitive, amirite?
ReplyMunchausen's... when you pretend to have STD's so you can lose your virginity at a STD only club. Munchausen's by proxy... when your mom feeds you drain cleaner so you can puke green s**t at school and your mommy gets sympathy at her book club. I know wonder... which one DID Eminem's mom truly have? And more important... will the Crab People let me live for writing this?
ReplyPeople actually took this seriously? HA! I thought it was great. You guys have poopy brains. Idjits.
ReplyI like Eminem, but that was funny!
ReplyI know this is a humor site but I can't tell
ReplyIf this is a joke or just retarded. Eminem does suck though :P
Must have been wasted when he wrote this!
Replythe line in without me is "The FCC won't let me be." It even says so in the CD insert. But congrats on not bothering to research anything before you wrote an entire article.
ReplyIdiot. It's pretty obvious he wasn't serious about ANYTHING he said in this article. It was all meant to be bullshit. Funny bullshit.
eminem fan here. nearly pissed myself laughing, especially towards the end. great job. and all the eminem fans here crying about how great eminem is and how this article sucks, just leave. seriously. you are not welcome at cracked, a HUMOR website. idiots
ReplyThought I'd look at this article again to see if the IQ level of the average Eminem fan has risen to the point where most of them understand satire. I guess not.
Reply3 ... it took the first 3 reasons before I realized the whole thing was a joke, and for this I felt quite stupid. Thanks to all who commented here I now feel much smarter.
ReplyTo anyone saying i caught on at "insert number" you are still retarded cause you didn't catch on Dr. Albert Oxford, PhD. To the people who didn't get it after reading the whole thing. I have no words to describe the sheer stupidity. You are insanely idiotic and the worst thing of all is that you counterargument one or 2 of the points he makes leading me to believe you actually bought in to the rest of it. Also this is not a trolling article, it's called satire ( even though satire is supposed to be subtle but hey judging from the amount of people who missed it i'd say it is). I suppose it kind of turned into a troll topic because of the fact that people actually bought it. Weird
ReplyIt's getting harder and harder to wake up in the morning when people take stuff like this seriously on a website where approximately nothing is meant to be taken seriously.
ReplyHot in here was by Nelly
ReplyThanks for clearing that up, good to see someone with down syndrome getting out there and having a go
the skeletons in is closet is stuff he is stuff he is hiding from people! ..not tupacs skeleton dummy and haley jade mathers his daughter not his penis are stupid and his dad never came back and his mother was a complete asshole!!!dont judge if you dont know....his songs are about his life so really now tell us 30 reasons eminem is bad and yea he was addicted to drugs but he grew up in the hood aka 8 MILE!
Reply..... how did you not realize this is all a big joke, and you have 2 likes on that comment, so you're apparently not the only one. You do know this is a humor website... right?
Not really an Eminem fan (I understand why people like 'im, still not a fan though) But this was hilarious. That's not even the Eminem non fan talking either.
ReplyAlso, apparently a buncha cracked readers still can't grasp the term 'satire' even though they're cracked fans. For shame...
your a dumbass 8 mile is were he lived as a kid
ReplyLmaooooo, This is hilarious. Anti-Vegetarian, i'm a big fan of Eminem and have herd some of his sht tht most ppl haven't, but i can take a joke and i'm not a Stan, i busted out laughing about 8 Mile relating to his penis.
ReplyVery very funny. I thought it was real for a second, but then "Haley" being a penis made me bust a gut laughing. Heehee I love it.
ReplyYeah at first glance I thought that this was written by a "real" douchebag, but this is some of the funniest s**t I have ever read. For me, the best part is that this article seems to be sited as "fact" on some religious websites. Well done, sir.
Hilarious! It reminded me of the dumb PMRC bitches reading metal lyrics out on the news in the 80's with their own interpretations of the lyrics meanings with accusations of satanism and back masking etc. Aaah, the bad old days.
ReplyI am an Eminem fan, and obviously this was a joke. I fully support making jokes about people and having good fun (or else I wouldn't love Cracked so extremely much and have a somewhat unhealthy obsession with it =p) However, this article was just completely and utterly asinine. What a waste of time.
ReplyReally? The whole "making fun of stuff is awesome as long as it isn't something I like!" thing? Just...really?
And Eminem's music isn't asinine?