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50 Reasons Lord of the Rings Sucks

By David Wong December 10, 2007 115,369 views
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Guest Writer: London Film Institute chairman, Dr. Albert Oxford, PhD

  1. Crass Marketing.

    I've heard some students are being forced to read some novelization of the movies in their literature classes. Ridiculous. Does Hollywood run our classrooms now?

  2. Greed.

    Hollywood can't make a movie these days without crapping out a sequel the next year to squeeze more cash out of the proverbial sheep. After Two Towers made its money, did anyone doubt Rocky would come out of retirement one more time?

  3. Quality Control at New Line.

    Millions of copies of the LOTR DVDs have thick black bars at the bottom and top of the screen throughout the film. Didn't anyone catch this? You know what happens at the end, in the extreme foreground and extreme upper sky? Neither do I. Bush league, gentlemen.

  4. They switched Darrens on us!

    Look closely in Fellowship and you'll notice the human member of their party is played by two different actors at different points of the movie (it takes a sharp eye to notice, but one of them has red hair, one black).

  5. Quality Control at New Line, II.

    In the massive Mt. Doom battle scene at the beginning of Fellowship of the Ring, a DVD pause reveals at least half a dozen of the 50,000 Orc Warrior extras are wearing modern tennis shoes.

  6. Speaking of Orcs...

    The Orcs were obviously stolen from PC game maker Blizzard and its Warcraft series. Too bad Blizzard is apparently too scared to sue New Line over it.

  7. Racism.

    Percentage of protagonists in Fellowship who are white: 100. Meanwhile the black-skinned antagonists and their black crow spies and their black glass seeing ball inhabit their black towers and perform black magic. One would have to be blind to miss the symbolism.

  8. Gold: The Stretchy Element.

    The ring, which is seen to be at least two inches in diameter at the beginning to fit the polish sausage-sized finger of Sauron, suddenly fits Frodo's child-sized finger later. I guess this movie takes place in a world where rings magically change sizes on their own.

  9. Violence.

    Give me one reason that story couldn't have been told without all the fighting.

  10. Horse sense.

    Why didn't they take horses on their quest? Or even better, why didn't Gandalf's giant flying bird friend haul them into Mordor? Watch out, Frodo! All of your methods of transportation have been swallowed by the Dark Lord of the Plot Hole!

  11. Retracted.*

    See below.

  12. Return of the Living Dead.

    In FOTR, if you watch closely during the Inn scene, Frodo and his crew are shown getting stabbed by the Ring Wraiths. Then, five seconds later, they are fine again. Note to the director: try proofreading your movie before you release it to the public.

  13. Did someone say plot hole?

    Liv Tyler's character is seen easily defeating nine strong supernatural beings, even though she is clearly a woman.

  14. The Battle Droid Syndrome.

    The mutated muscular soldiers of Mordor turned out to be hilariously ineffective fighters, a dozen of them held off by a single dying human. Apparently they made the beasts by crossing Orcs, Goblins and the French.

  15. Sloppy CGI.

    Gandalf's smoke boat at Bilbo's party is pretty impressive, but smoke cannot be made to travel horizontally, thus revealing it to be nothing but a cheap special effect.

  16. The Asbestos Wizard.

    We all saw Gandalf fall into the molten core of Middle Earth after his battle with the firebeast thing in part 1. Well, I guess the Gandalf action figure must have sold well, because in the slap-together sequel Two Towers, Gandalf is back. Perhaps it was voodoo, a la the corpse in Weekend at Bernie's II (look closely and you'll notice LOTR steals several elements from the WaB films).

  17. Invisible Implausibility.

    Every time Frodo or Bilbo went invisible with the ring they should have also gone BLIND. Your eyes cannot function unless light is reflected off the cornea. If light passes through it (as must be the case with invisibility) sight is no longer possible. Also, rings do not turn you invisible.

  18. The Asbestos Wizard, II.

    The giant fire beast thing at the end of part 1 was breathing a firey breath hot enough to send heat-distortion waves through the air. The sheer temperature of the air should have burned off Gandalf's beard and eyebrows. None of my reading on evolutionary biology reveals a single reason why a particular race of humans would develop unflammable facial hair as this would provide practically no advantage in either survival or mating.

  19. I'll have to rent that one.

    The rushed-through story the screenwriter threw in as the first ten minutes of Fellowship of the Ring looked a lot more interesting than the movie we were forced to watch. Why didn't somebody make a movie off that instead?

  20. Magic Mechanics.

    Experts on the occult say in order for a wizard to floorspin a fully-grown man like Gandalf, he'd need three magical staffs, not two.

  21. Finders, keepers.

    So Bilbo, who we are supposed to identify with as a protagonist, finds a piece of someone else's jewelry and just keeps it for himself? That's funny, because I would expect a good man to submit it to the local Lost and Found so it could be claimed by its owner. It makes me wonder if he bought that hillside house or if he was just squatting.

  22. Go-Go Gadget Arrow Sprouter.

    Legolas shoots arrow after arrow at his enemies, and yet the number of arrows in his quiver never decreases. I guess elves have glands on their back that secrete arrows.

  23. Watch out! He's going to explode!

    The heroes are shown eating again and again, and yet no one ever goes to the bathroom throughout their entire quest.

  24. Meesa gonna make theesa movie suckah!

    The character of Gollum in The Two Towers was entirely computer animated (a cheap effort to cash in on 1999's Jar Jar Binks Mania) but was just a dim shadow of George Lucas' effort. Thank you, Peter Jackson. Thank you right to Hell.

  25. Propaganda.

    The Elves, clearly the most advanced and wise species, are also clearly gay.

  26. Speaking of Elves...

    Elves are beautiful and wise and tall? Great warriors? Makers of fine lightweight weapons? Our modern knowledge of elves has observed only an ability to make cookies and toys. All the elves in the film are portrayed as living in a warm paradise (Rivendell) but our own information tells us the aforementioned group of toymaking elves work and thrive in the arctic. Hey, Mr. Jackson: Research is half of writing.

  27. Homage or theft?

    The "happy village of little people" idea was stolen from Willow.

  28. Homage or theft II?

    The wise old wizard character was stolen from Harry Potter.

  29. Homage or theft III?

    The "travelling on our quest through a corn field" scene was stolen from Shrek.

  30. Homage or theft IV?

    The character of the rebellious-but-helpful Ranger was stolen from Val Kilmer in Willow.

  31. Homage or theft V?

    The concept of the violent dwarf was based on Al Pacino.

  32. Homage or theft VI?

    The "old man looking through the door hatch at the approaching little people" scene was stolen from A Clockwork Orange.

  33. Homage or theft VII?

    The cantina scene with a noisy bar filled with a mix of otherworldly species was stolen from Cecile B. DeMille's One Night in an Alien Bar.

  34. Homage or theft VIII?

    The incident with the flock of evil magical spying crows serving the All-Seeing Eye was based on an actual incident.

  35. Homage or theft IX?

    The character of the Giant Evil Flaming All-Seeing Eye was based on former President Jimmy Carter.

  36. Homage or theft X?

    The character of Elrond was based on Agent Smith from The Matrix.

  37. Weighty issues.

    AKA "Plot Hole No. 273." Even with all that walking and light eating, the character of Sam only got fatter.

  38. Realism, schmealism.

    Liv Tyler's immortal elf volunteers to give up her eternal life for a single romance with a human man. Could any man really be that well endowed? I find it unlikely.

  39. Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow.

    The most advanced civilization is that of the elves, which are long-haired, new-age types? Sorry, Mr. Jackson, but modern science has proven that in any modern civilization, hippies would be extinct.

  40. Too many notes.

    No movie should be over two hours long. Did we need that whole thing in the mine in part 1? What about that almost-infinite battle scene in part 2? Didn't it seem like they were just adding pointless scenes in the middle to pad it? It's like they decided beforehand they wanted three hours for each film and used filler to flesh them out.

  41. Too many notes, II.

    I just want to re-emphasize the above point. There is no reason entertainment can't be concise.

  42. Too many notes, III.

    Too many characters to keep track of. The dwarf was clearly only there as a token dwarf character to sell tickets to lucrative movie-going dwarf demographic. Lose him.

  43. Rationalization for violence.

    Why, in part 1, is the black octopus creature painted as the bad guy when it attacks, when one of the fellowship had clearly been throwing rocks at it?

  44. The Shoeless Land.

    The Hobbits both 1) refuse to wear shoes and 2) run a livestock-based farming economy. Wouldn't they constantly be stepping in feces? Why doesn't the movie address this issue?

  45. Casting.

    Why couldn't Frodo have been played by Christopher Walken?

  46. Casting, II.

    Why couldn't Gandalf have been played by Bruce Campbell?

  47. Casting, III.

    Why couldn't Bilbo have been played by Vin Diesel?

  48. Casting, IV.

    Why couldn't Aragorn have been played by a monkey?

  49. The Score.

    The background music nearly zero funk.

  50. What's that smell?

    As bad as the Lucasfilm internet leaks were with the last Star Wars trilogy, the filmmakers of Lord of the Rings allowed the paperback novelizations onto shelves years in advance As if we needed any less of a reason to go see it.

-Dr. Albert Oxford, PhD
London Film Institute


*RETRACTED REASONS LORD OF THE RINGS SUCKS:


11. Damn you, gravity!

The giant firebeast thing is defeated by Gandalf when he destroys the bridge, sending the creature plunging to its death... despite the fact that it has wings.

This was retracted when a reader pointed out that the wings, like the rest of the beast, were made of shadow and fire and thus would be useless for flight.




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553 Comments

For a second there I thought this was real, and was getting out the "Destroy Idiot" gear together.

Don't do this again. You only have one opportunity to dis the things we hold dear, and you already used it.

Carry on.

11/18/2009 9:01:34 PM
tigra8

I don't know which is funnier: the article or the people who think it's completely serious.

11/8/2009 12:05:39 PM
captainpyro

i agree... most don't see this as a joke, or satire, which it clearly is... however... it is quite stupid and anyone who finds that much joy out of it is... well... just not very smart... I get it is a joke, their is a few I find funny. However the "Gold the stretchy element" is a stupid joke, the movie is based on the magical power of the ring. To discount that is just a poor attempt at humor... i dont know how to stress more that I get it was a joke... it was just not very well written at all...

10/25/2009 12:10:40 PM
huricaneandy

I first thought this was real. By the time I read the second one on the list, I realized it was Satire.

Amazingly funny. Do more.

10/17/2009 8:57:12 PM
Frank_The_Bison

it's like you guys don't realize it's a joke...

10/17/2009 11:12:10 AM
patrick813

This is a bunch of- well, it'd be too rude to say. I LOVE the Lord of the Rings. I couldn't help but read through this article just becasue I was curious on what you thought.
When you said that the "wizard thing" was based off of Harry Potter, LOTR WAS WRITTEN FIRST!! And who said that elves are only good for toys and cooking? There are different types of elves.
The one point that you called "The Return of the Living Dead", if you had really been watching, you'd know that the Hobbits tricked the RingWraiths into stabbing the beds, when there was really just pillows under the blanket.
And when you said that rings can't make you invisible, IT'S A MOVIE!!!! WHO CARES??!?!!?!?
But this is what really made me angry:

"Did someone say plot hole?

Liv Tyler's character is seen easily defeating nine strong supernatural beings, even though she is clearly a woman."

Okay, I am super angry about this because, well, I agree with voice*of*reason. You are talking about racism, and then you go and say that women can't handle that kind of stuff!
These are just a few points that I found flaws in. Remember, it's a movie! Not everything is real that you see in movies! And also, the books came out waaay before the movies and Harry Potter and other movies and what-not that you mentioned. (Have you even read the books? I suggest you do.)
I got a few laughs out of this because it was so crazy and un-thought-through.

10/16/2009 3:04:15 PM
LotrFan33

hokay it was funny and all, but have you stopped to think that the movies weere based off books written say, 60 effin years ago?

10/16/2009 2:00:11 PM
Fëanor18

Dear commenters,

Are you guys for REAL? If so I suggest you pool all your neurones together and establish a rotation system for use of the resulting mash. That's the closest you'll ever get to having a functioning brain.

Nice article. Got a few good laughs out of it.

10/14/2009 8:52:30 AM
ElHuegi

You might want to rethink your reasons

10/12/2009 5:36:38 PM
voice*of*reason

Too many notes, III.

Too many characters to keep track of. The dwarf was clearly only there as a token dwarf character to sell tickets to lucrative movie-going dwarf demographic. Lose him.

No he wasn't he was in the original books

10/12/2009 5:34:36 PM
voice*of*reason

As to the rest of your Homage or thefts all the ones I have check out have the same date problem,LOTR'"steals" from things that were created at least 20 years after LOTR

10/12/2009 5:33:28 PM
voice*of*reason

Homage or theft IV?

The character of the rebellious-but-helpful Ranger was stolen from Val Kilmer in Willow.

Again I would like to mention a time problem with your theory, LOTR's 1954-55 Willow 1988

10/12/2009 5:30:54 PM
voice*of*reason

Homage or theft II?

The wise old wizard character was stolen from Harry Potter.

The Lord of The Rings was published in 1954-55 the 1st Harry Potter book was published in 1997, would you still like to talk about stealing?

10/12/2009 5:29:02 PM
voice*of*reason

Speaking of Elves...

Elves are beautiful and wise and tall? Great warriors? Makers of fine lightweight weapons? Our modern knowledge of elves has observed only an ability to make cookies and toys. All the elves in the film are portrayed as living in a warm paradise (Rivendell) but our own information tells us the aforementioned group of toymaking elves work and thrive in the arctic. Hey, Mr. Jackson: Research is half of writing.

Yes it is, this was a book wrote about 70 years ago not something Mr Jackson made up himself

10/12/2009 5:26:57 PM
voice*of*reason

Sloppy CGI.

Gandalf's smoke boat at Bilbo's party is pretty impressive, but smoke cannot be made to travel horizontally, thus revealing it to be nothing but a cheap special effect.

HE IS A WIZARD!

10/12/2009 5:25:32 PM
voice*of*reason

Did someone say plot hole?

Liv Tyler's character is seen easily defeating nine strong supernatural beings, even though she is clearly a woman.

I believe you just mentioned something about the movie being racist well this is very sexist, and she defeated them using the elven magic of her people

10/12/2009 5:21:59 PM
voice*of*reason

Return of the Living Dead.

In FOTR, if you watch closely during the Inn scene, Frodo and his crew are shown getting stabbed by the Ring Wraiths. Then, five seconds later, they are fine again. Note to the director: try proofreading your movie before you release it to the public.

FYI: they were not stabbed they had stuck pillows in their beds and gone to Striders room.

10/12/2009 5:20:33 PM
voice*of*reason

Gold: The Stretchy Element.

The ring, which is seen to be at least two inches in diameter at the beginning to fit the polish sausage-sized finger of Sauron, suddenly fits Frodo's child-sized finger later. I guess this movie takes place in a world where rings magically change sizes on their own.

FYI, why yes the ring does magically change and if you knew what you were talking about you'd know why,The ring had the ability to change size. As well as adapting to fingers varying in size, from Sauron's to Frodo's, it sometimes suddenly expanded in order to give its wearer the slip.

10/12/2009 5:16:40 PM
voice*of*reason

6. Speaking of Orcs...

The Orcs were obviously stolen from PC game maker Blizzard and its Warcraft series. Too bad Blizzard is apparently too scared to sue New Line over it.

FYI This movie series is based on books by author J.R.R. Tolkien and the Warcraft franchise was started in 1994 Tolkien wrote the books in the 40's and was published in the mid 50's way before Blizzard Entertainment was even a company.

10/12/2009 5:10:45 PM
voice*of*reason

I (thumbs up) liked last comment b jamesd...

10/12/2009 3:31:01 PM
huricaneandy

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