50 Reasons Lord of the Rings Sucks

Guest Writer: London Film Institute chairman, Dr. Albert Oxford, PhD

Crass Marketing.

I've heard some students are being forced to read some novelization of the movies in their literature classes. Ridiculous. Does Hollywood run our classrooms now?
Greed.

Hollywood can't make a movie these days without crapping out a sequel the next year to squeeze more cash out of the proverbial sheep. After Two Towers made its money, did anyone doubt Rocky would come out of retirement one more time?
Quality Control at New Line.

Millions of copies of the LOTR DVDs have thick black bars at the bottom and top of the screen throughout the film. Didn't anyone catch this? You know what happens at the end, in the extreme foreground and extreme upper sky? Neither do I. Bush league, gentlemen.
They switched Darrens on us!

Look closely in Fellowship and you'll notice the human member of their party is played by two different actors at different points of the movie (it takes a sharp eye to notice, but one of them has red hair, one black).
Quality Control at New Line, II.

In the massive Mt. Doom battle scene at the beginning of Fellowship of the Ring, a DVD pause reveals at least half a dozen of the 50,000 Orc Warrior extras are wearing modern tennis shoes.
Speaking of Orcs...

The Orcs were obviously stolen from PC game maker Blizzard and its Warcraft series. Too bad Blizzard is apparently too scared to sue New Line over it.
Racism.

Percentage of protagonists in Fellowship who are white: 100. Meanwhile the black-skinned antagonists and their black crow spies and their black glass seeing ball inhabit their black towers and perform black magic. One would have to be blind to miss the symbolism.
Gold: The Stretchy Element.

The ring, which is seen to be at least two inches in diameter at the beginning to fit the polish sausage-sized finger of Sauron, suddenly fits Frodo's child-sized finger later. I guess this movie takes place in a world where rings magically change sizes on their own.
Violence.

Give me one reason that story couldn't have been told without all the fighting.
Horse sense.

Why didn't they take horses on their quest? Or even better, why didn't Gandalf's giant flying bird friend haul them into Mordor? Watch out, Frodo! All of your methods of transportation have been swallowed by the Dark Lord of the Plot Hole!
Retracted.*

See below.
Return of the Living Dead.

In FOTR, if you watch closely during the Inn scene, Frodo and his crew are shown getting stabbed by the Ring Wraiths. Then, five seconds later, they are fine again. Note to the director: try proofreading your movie before you release it to the public.
Did someone say plot hole?

Liv Tyler's character is seen easily defeating nine strong supernatural beings, even though she is clearly a woman.
The Battle Droid Syndrome.

The mutated muscular soldiers of Mordor turned out to be hilariously ineffective fighters, a dozen of them held off by a single dying human. Apparently they made the beasts by crossing Orcs, Goblins and the French.
Sloppy CGI.

Gandalf's smoke boat at Bilbo's party is pretty impressive, but smoke cannot be made to travel horizontally, thus revealing it to be nothing but a cheap special effect.
The Asbestos Wizard.

We all saw Gandalf fall into the molten core of Middle Earth after his battle with the firebeast thing in part 1. Well, I guess the Gandalf action figure must have sold well, because in the slap-together sequel Two Towers, Gandalf is back. Perhaps it was voodoo, a la the corpse in Weekend at Bernie's II (look closely and you'll notice LOTR steals several elements from the WaB films).
Invisible Implausibility.

Every time Frodo or Bilbo went invisible with the ring they should have also gone BLIND. Your eyes cannot function unless light is reflected off the cornea. If light passes through it (as must be the case with invisibility) sight is no longer possible. Also, rings do not turn you invisible.
The Asbestos Wizard, II.

The giant fire beast thing at the end of part 1 was breathing a firey breath hot enough to send heat-distortion waves through the air. The sheer temperature of the air should have burned off Gandalf's beard and eyebrows. None of my reading on evolutionary biology reveals a single reason why a particular race of humans would develop unflammable facial hair as this would provide practically no advantage in either survival or mating.
I'll have to rent that one.

The rushed-through story the screenwriter threw in as the first ten minutes of Fellowship of the Ring looked a lot more interesting than the movie we were forced to watch. Why didn't somebody make a movie off that instead?
Magic Mechanics.

Experts on the occult say in order for a wizard to floorspin a fully-grown man like Gandalf, he'd need three magical staffs, not two.
Finders, keepers.

So Bilbo, who we are supposed to identify with as a protagonist, finds a piece of someone else's jewelry and just keeps it for himself? That's funny, because I would expect a good man to submit it to the local Lost and Found so it could be claimed by its owner. It makes me wonder if he bought that hillside house or if he was just squatting.
Go-Go Gadget Arrow Sprouter.

Legolas shoots arrow after arrow at his enemies, and yet the number of arrows in his quiver never decreases. I guess elves have glands on their back that secrete arrows.
Watch out! He's going to explode!

The heroes are shown eating again and again, and yet no one ever goes to the bathroom throughout their entire quest.
Meesa gonna make theesa movie suckah!

The character of Gollum in The Two Towers was entirely computer animated (a cheap effort to cash in on 1999's Jar Jar Binks Mania) but was just a dim shadow of George Lucas' effort. Thank you, Peter Jackson. Thank you right to Hell.
Propaganda.

The Elves, clearly the most advanced and wise species, are also clearly gay.
Speaking of Elves...

Elves are beautiful and wise and tall? Great warriors? Makers of fine lightweight weapons? Our modern knowledge of elves has observed only an ability to make cookies and toys. All the elves in the film are portrayed as living in a warm paradise (Rivendell) but our own information tells us the aforementioned group of toymaking elves work and thrive in the arctic. Hey, Mr. Jackson: Research is half of writing.
Homage or theft?

The "happy village of little people" idea was stolen from Willow.
Homage or theft II?

The wise old wizard character was stolen from Harry Potter.
Homage or theft III?

The "travelling on our quest through a corn field" scene was stolen from Shrek.
Homage or theft IV?

The character of the rebellious-but-helpful Ranger was stolen from Val Kilmer in Willow.
Homage or theft V?

The concept of the violent dwarf was based on Al Pacino.
Homage or theft VI?

The "old man looking through the door hatch at the approaching little people" scene was stolen from A Clockwork Orange.
Homage or theft VII?

The cantina scene with a noisy bar filled with a mix of otherworldly species was stolen from Cecile B. DeMille's One Night in an Alien Bar.
Homage or theft VIII?

The incident with the flock of evil magical spying crows serving the All-Seeing Eye was based on an actual incident.
Homage or theft IX?

The character of the Giant Evil Flaming All-Seeing Eye was based on former President Jimmy Carter.
Homage or theft X?

The character of Elrond was based on Agent Smith from The Matrix.
Weighty issues.

AKA "Plot Hole No. 273." Even with all that walking and light eating, the character of Sam only got fatter.
Realism, schmealism.

Liv Tyler's immortal elf volunteers to give up her eternal life for a single romance with a human man. Could any man really be that well endowed? I find it unlikely.
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow.

The most advanced civilization is that of the elves, which are long-haired, new-age types? Sorry, Mr. Jackson, but modern science has proven that in any modern civilization, hippies would be extinct.
Too many notes.

No movie should be over two hours long. Did we need that whole thing in the mine in part 1? What about that almost-infinite battle scene in part 2? Didn't it seem like they were just adding pointless scenes in the middle to pad it? It's like they decided beforehand they wanted three hours for each film and used filler to flesh them out.
Too many notes, II.

I just want to re-emphasize the above point. There is no reason entertainment can't be concise.
Too many notes, III.

Too many characters to keep track of. The dwarf was clearly only there as a token dwarf character to sell tickets to lucrative movie-going dwarf demographic. Lose him.
Rationalization for violence.

Why, in part 1, is the black octopus creature painted as the bad guy when it attacks, when one of the fellowship had clearly been throwing rocks at it?
The Shoeless Land.

The Hobbits both 1) refuse to wear shoes and 2) run a livestock-based farming economy. Wouldn't they constantly be stepping in feces? Why doesn't the movie address this issue?
Casting.

Why couldn't Frodo have been played by Christopher Walken?
Casting, II.

Why couldn't Gandalf have been played by Bruce Campbell?
Casting, III.

Why couldn't Bilbo have been played by Vin Diesel?
Casting, IV.

Why couldn't Aragorn have been played by a monkey?
The Score.

The background music nearly zero funk.
What's that smell?

As bad as the Lucasfilm internet leaks were with the last Star Wars trilogy, the filmmakers of Lord of the Rings allowed the paperback novelizations onto shelves years in advance As if we needed any less of a reason to go see it.

-Dr. Albert Oxford, PhD
London Film Institute

*RETRACTED REASONS LORD OF THE RINGS SUCKS:

11. Damn you, gravity!

The giant firebeast thing is defeated by Gandalf when he destroys the bridge, sending the creature plunging to its death... despite the fact that it has wings.

This was retracted when a reader pointed out that the wings, like the rest of the beast, were made of shadow and fire and thus would be useless for flight.

389 Comments

julia

Oh wallee662, bless your cotton socks, reading your post was actually a little embarrassing for me. I'm guessing that you are missing most of your frontal lobes therefore you cannot detect subtlety. Subtlety in the boradest possible sense. Does your mum know that your using the internet, obviously unsupervised?

Posted on 9/30/2008 9:54:15 PM

john4

this is what refer to as a "joke" you might have heard this word before, if you haven't i suggest you look it up.

Posted on 9/27/2008 10:16:47 AM

wallee662

1. Crass Marketing.

Students are being allowed the ability to read novelizations of certain films to gain a better understanding of the correlation between a work of literature and film. Thus to better make an assessment of their true differences and decide for themselves which makes a more sound delivery of the message.
2. Greed.

These movies were intended to deliver a story to the audience over the course of three movies, not just one.
3. Quality Control at New Line.

A quality movie is not always based on special effects, make-up, or technicalities. Stop picking apart all of the details and just enjoy the film.
4. They switched Darrens on us!

Wow, they might have used more than one actor to portray one character. Well you said it yourself, “it takes a sharp eye to notice.” That being said, who really cares? What is you’re point?
5. Quality Control at New Line, II.

Why are you pausing the movie to knit pick something so small and insignificant such as what shoes were worn? Give me a break buddy. Again, what is you’re point?
6. Speaking of Orcs...

How do you propose that the Orcs were stolen from any pc game? Maybe you haven’t done you’re homework doc. A wide variety of video games have adapted their story and characters based on this movie/book. The Lord of the Rings was written long before any pc game was developed.
7. Racism.

This was funny to read. Black ball, black gate, black, black, black… The idea of evil and an enemy has for centuries been depicted as black in nature. Are you really that naive and simple minded?

8. Gold: The Stretchy Element.

For being someone who analyzes movies so extensively, you sure did miss a very obvious clip. The ring does magically shrink in Bilbo’s hand the first time he holds it. Thus allowing our imagination to believe that the ring conforms to the size of the finger in which who posses the ring at that time.
9. Violence.

Fighting in the movie provides suspense, attention, and excitement to a film. You should know that being you are apart of the London Film Institute. Besides, this extent of fighting is part of the original story.
10. Horse sense.

This is a fantasy/adventure story. We are luck to have as much realism to this film as it already contained. A large portion of why people love this movie is due in part to it’s high level of fantasy and sporadic story telling.
11. Retracted.*

N/A
12. Return of the Living Dead.

Perhaps the director intended for this to happen or perhaps he just didn’t care. The fans of this film pay no attention and spare no time complaining about such small details. Once again, what is you’re point?
13. Did someone say plot hole?

I am confused as to what you were even talking about in this statement. Are you sure you have a PhD? May I ask from which school? I am having trouble with correlating a PhD level intelligence with any of you’re writing thus far.
14. The Battle Droid Syndrome.

This was a very poor attempt to be humorous.
15. Sloppy CGI.

Again…..Fantasy movie!
16. The Asbestos Wizard.

This story was written far before that movie. The Lord of the Rings was written between1937-1949. It was first published in 1954-1955.
17. Invisible Implausibility.

Once again….Fantasy movie!
18. The Asbestos Wizard, II.

One more time….Fantasy movie!
19. I'll have to rent that one.

What makes you think that first ten minutes was rushed through? Did you ask the screen writer yourself? Maybe the first part of that movie led you’re simple mind into believing you were about to watch a different movie. It is too bad that is not the case for the majority of us.
20. Magic Mechanics.

Yet again….Fantasy movie!
21. Finders, keepers.

Maybe you have forgotten that the ring posses the power to mesmerize and captivate it’s beholder to an extent that the person defies all logic and becomes corrupted by the ring’s power.
22. Go-Go Gadget Arrow Sprouter.

Have you never viewed similar films? There are countless films that are known for being great that also do the same thing. Such as firing a handgun well beyond its magazines capacity before reloading. Most of us do not pay attention nor care about this technicality. Also for hundredth time….Fantasy movie!
23. Watch out! He's going to explode!

You must not have been serious here. Who wants to watch these characters going to the bathroom?
24. Meesa gonna make theesa movie suckah!

Why is it that you keep insisting this movie stole everything from others? Gollum so happens to have received much more publicity and attention than Jar Jar Binks ever did anyway.
25. Propaganda.

Thank you for sharing with us you’re shallow mind and obvious h**ophobic nature doc.
26. Speaking of Elves...

I think you need to do the research buddy. Elves first originated from the 14th century. Their depiction was a creature of Norse mythology. The elves were originally imagined as a race of minor nature and fertility gods, who are often pictured as youthful-seeming men and women of great beauty living in forests and underground places and caves, or in wells and springs. They have been portrayed to be long-lived or immortal and as beings of magical powers.
27. Homage or theft?

This story was written long before Willow.
28. Homage or theft II?

This story was written long before Harry Potter.
29. Homage or theft III?

This story was written long before Shrek.
30. Homage or theft IV?

This story was written long before Willow.
31. Homage or theft V?

This story was written long before Al Pacino was born.
32. Homage or theft VI?

This story was written long before A Clockwork Orange.
33. Homage or theft VII?

This story was written long before One Night in an Alien Bar.
34. Homage or theft VIII?

Confused on what you are talking about here. Be more specific.
35. Homage or theft IX?

This story was written long before former President Jimmy Carter was our President. He was our President from 1977-1981. The story was written 40 years earlier.
36. Homage or theft X?

This story was written long before Agent Smith from The Matrix.
37. Weighty issues.

That is from the view of you’re eyes. Did you allow your mind to think outside the box for this movie at any time? Perhaps he had a medical condition in which caused a fat or bloated appearance. Maybe all of the long walking and climbing caused him to suffer extensive swelling in which caused him to appear more obese. This is a fantasy movie so try to have a bigger imagination.
38. Realism, schmealism.

Not funny doc. You must have never experienced true love either…what a shame.
39. Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow.

Wow once again you fail to be very humorous.
40. Too many notes.

Some of the scenes may have seemed pointless to you because of your simple narrow mind. If these movies are so horrible, too long, and boring then why have they done so well?
41. Too many notes, II.

I can relate to this statement but it does not show any relevance to this film or the intentions of the story.
42. Too many notes, III.

The dwarf was there to show friendship, to add comedy, and for diversity. I’m sorry that you have some phobia of dwarfs.
43. Rationalization for violence.

This was due in part that the creatures dwelled in a place known to be evil. It was assumed that all things within that place were of bad nature and horrible depictions of evil regardless if provoked.
44. The Shoeless Land.

Why would that be address? They didn’t have shoes in those days either. If you were to have paid more attention you would have realized that their feet were large, callused and muscular. I would make a intelligent guess in assuming that did not give a @#&*.
45. Casting.

Elijah Wood was actually the first person to be casted in this movie. He was already a fan of the book and very knowledgeable of the character. Stop trying to be funny.
46. Casting, II.

Stop trying to be funny.
47. Casting, III.

Stop trying to be funny.
48. Casting, IV.

Stop trying to be funny.
49. The Score.

You are completely crazy. The music for these three films have won numerous awards and celebrated widely. They have won these following awards: 1. Oscar for best song 2. Golden Globes for best original song 3. Academy Award for best original score 4. World soundtrack award for best original soundtrack 5. Grammy Award for best score soundtrack album (x3) 6. Academy award for best original song.
50. What's that smell?

This novel was written long before the movie was released and long before they even thought about making a film about it.

Posted on 9/25/2008 9:31:03 PM

MissFit

Good ol' JRR himself would have laughed at this article. Then he would weep in despair over the commenters who took it seriously. *sigh*

Although, he probably would have hated the movies.

Posted on 9/23/2008 5:51:13 PM

Jaumpa

You dumb bastard, get your facts straight. The concept of the violent dwarf was based on Joe Pesci, not Al Pacino. Still a ripoff, though.

Posted on 9/23/2008 1:22:38 PM

Nice trollin' Dave.

Posted on 9/23/2008 11:03:50 AM

Gitro

I had a really sad moment, in which I thought it was serious. Then it was hilarious. Doubly so, for all the morons that still think it's serious. But kinda sad at the same time.

Posted on 9/17/2008 12:06:53 AM

ardmore

My dear doctor, I need hardly point out to a man of your acuity that your own elision of Point #11 self-evidently makes this list a mere 49 items long, thus obviating your own article title. Please, sir, permit me to rectify this incongruity by the addition of an eleventh iteration under the (may I say, masterfully rendered) "Homage or Theft" sub-category: the TRILOGY. As all men of cognizance are no doubt aware, the concept of a "trilogy" (or three connected movies creating a single storyline) was invented in 1985 by Dr. Emmett Brown under his "wacky" nom de plume, Christopher Lloyd. Need one further point out that his co-worker, Marty McFly, went on to collaborate with the hated Peter Jackson in The Frighteners, thus no doubt (through hobnobbery) inadvertently revealing to that personage the means for re-constructing the "trilogy" idea? Clearly this Jackson individual can only be described as a butt-f****r of the highest order.

Posted on 9/14/2008 7:22:50 PM

Love1

David Wong huh?
haha.
That is all that needs to be said.

Posted on 9/12/2008 8:47:46 AM

JoseWales

*cough* are the accusations maybe so ridiculous that they can't possibly be taken seriously?

maybe its a joke then..

Posted on 9/9/2008 12:27:53 PM

jamess

You are a LOSER. 80% of the accusations are ridiculous and i can't believe you are such a nerd you had to write up this bulls**t. Just a few points to make, THIS IS A ****ING FANTASY NOVEL. NOT ALL THE SCIENCE IS SUPPOSED TO BE RIGHT. IF THERE WAS NO FIGHTING IT WOULD BE A REALLY BORING FILM. STOP WATCHING EVERY SCENE FRAME BY FRAME LOOKING AT EVERYONE'S SHOES. READ THE NOVEL BEFORE MAKING ACCUSATIONS ABOUT PLOTHOLES, IF YOU HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO WRITE THESE THINGS YOU HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO READ A NOVEL. DON'T SAY 'WHY COULDN'T THIS CHARACTER HAVE BEEN PLAYED BY SOMEONE ELSE' BECAUSE THATS JUST STUPID, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY OUT MILLIONS TO HAVE THE MOST WELL KNOWN ACTORS EARN A FEW MORE MILLION. STOP SAYING 'THIS SCENE IS A COPY OF THIS SCENE' IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO KEEP COMING UP WITH DIFFERENT SCENES TO EVERY OTHER FILM. IF IT FILMED THEM EVERY TIME THEY PISSED IT WOULD BE REALLY TEDIOUS. GANDALF IS A WIZARD YOU DUMBARSE THE WRITER DOESN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN HOW MAGICAL IT IS IT'S A GIVEN. NOW GO AWAY AND GET A LIFE.

Posted on 9/8/2008 11:03:42 AM

Zodiacfever

to anyone who actually took this article seriously (and there's plenty of you). You guys are gigantic MORONS of other-worldly proportions. Is there someone next to you right now wiping drool? just checking. Please please, for the sake of mankind, dont ever have kids! And unlike the writer of this article, i am being VERY serious right now..

Posted on 9/3/2008 11:37:14 PM

spiderjerusalem

I'm not sure what's funnier, the article (which is awesome by the way, much better than I expected), or the comments!

I really hope that these comments are elaborate attempts at sarcasm and not legit. If so, I weep for the death of humor at the hands of idiots. These people do know what f*****g Cracked is right?

Posted on 9/3/2008 1:08:49 PM

ankh~ascendant

This article is hilarious! It's a pity that apparently so much of the satire is lost in translation and that so many people read the article looking to be insulted and have a chance to show off their LoTR knowledge and the opportunity to argue with a Cracked writer.

A note to potential reviewers: please carefully consider what you have just read and the fact that it probably had to pass through several sets of educated hands and minds to get here; if someone who can't use a period knows that the books came first, I'm show the writers are well aware of the fact. To broaden your horizons and get a deeper grasp of cultural humor, please henceforth remember that any piece of intended humor that accuses the Lord of the Rings of plagiarizing Dungeons & Dragons, Warcraft, or any other fantasy universe is actually intended to poke fun at the judgmental psuedo-intellectuals, and that once you post an indignant comment, you have become a punchline.

Posted on 9/3/2008 5:50:39 AM

toxicdude

Were You Being Serious on the racism one (i cant tell) and COME ON just go and look up world of warcraft and lotr whick was made/written first

Posted on 8/31/2008 5:57:00 AM

willyhassertt

lord of the rings is pretty good, but the books are better than the movies and you have to have the time to read them, which cuts out many working adults, and you also need the attention span to use them, which cuts out most teenagers.

Posted on 8/27/2008 9:27:57 AM

kjk

loool that is actually quite genius
I've never been on this site before and i just read the comments. Its all a joke.
anyway kudos on making everyone angry, it was like therapy for me...

Posted on 8/26/2008 3:11:16 PM

Are you actually real. For starters LOTR was written way before any video game, so before your accuse it of stealing some of the characters im sure if you checked those characters would be based on the books. And I agree with Laga2 there arent many black people in the movie but black being evil doesnt come from people being black! im mean jesus how simplistic can you get. The blackness represents darkness, and as for bad guys the paler the eviler. BTW this isnt real Life story telling, you can have a ring that changes shape, which is shown in the movie and you can have a bloody smoke ring that goes forward rather than upwards. I mean bloody hell no-one can blow a smoke battle ship in real life anyway! Furthermore, Gollum was played by somebody and wasnt entirely computer animated. Also anyone whos a true fan of Star Wars hates Jar Jar Binks because hes probably the most irritating pointless character...ever. Gollum was the part in the movie which best copied the book. In the end you must be plain silly, (thats why i gave up reading the article halfway through) cause the ring wraiths arent supposed to kill Frodo etc. That was why they got annoyed when they saw the feather pillows instead! lool I mean seriously you couldnt get anymore sexist, h**ophobic, racist or just plain dumb. I seriously think your a fictional person and if your not, get some help.

Posted on 8/26/2008 3:04:06 PM

Clemthechariot

whoever wrote this article is a f*****g retard, and should be banished from watching any movie for the rest of there life. Nearly every single point you brought up was completely pulled out of your ass, and made you just look like a jack ass. You don't know anything about the lord of the rings, so maybe you just shouldn't talk about it.

Posted on 8/23/2008 9:43:14 PM

jaybriel

I'm not sure whether this is more a testament to your genius or just to human stupidity in general that so many people are incenced over this. I think the comments are almost more entertaining than the article!

Posted on 8/19/2008 8:09:09 PM

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