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50 Reasons Lord of the Rings Sucks

By David Wong December 10, 2007 98,005 views
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Guest Writer: London Film Institute chairman, Dr. Albert Oxford, PhD

  1. Crass Marketing.

    I've heard some students are being forced to read some novelization of the movies in their literature classes. Ridiculous. Does Hollywood run our classrooms now?

  2. Greed.

    Hollywood can't make a movie these days without crapping out a sequel the next year to squeeze more cash out of the proverbial sheep. After Two Towers made its money, did anyone doubt Rocky would come out of retirement one more time?

  3. Quality Control at New Line.

    Millions of copies of the LOTR DVDs have thick black bars at the bottom and top of the screen throughout the film. Didn't anyone catch this? You know what happens at the end, in the extreme foreground and extreme upper sky? Neither do I. Bush league, gentlemen.

  4. They switched Darrens on us!

    Look closely in Fellowship and you'll notice the human member of their party is played by two different actors at different points of the movie (it takes a sharp eye to notice, but one of them has red hair, one black).

  5. Quality Control at New Line, II.

    In the massive Mt. Doom battle scene at the beginning of Fellowship of the Ring, a DVD pause reveals at least half a dozen of the 50,000 Orc Warrior extras are wearing modern tennis shoes.

  6. Speaking of Orcs...

    The Orcs were obviously stolen from PC game maker Blizzard and its Warcraft series. Too bad Blizzard is apparently too scared to sue New Line over it.

  7. Racism.

    Percentage of protagonists in Fellowship who are white: 100. Meanwhile the black-skinned antagonists and their black crow spies and their black glass seeing ball inhabit their black towers and perform black magic. One would have to be blind to miss the symbolism.

  8. Gold: The Stretchy Element.

    The ring, which is seen to be at least two inches in diameter at the beginning to fit the polish sausage-sized finger of Sauron, suddenly fits Frodo's child-sized finger later. I guess this movie takes place in a world where rings magically change sizes on their own.

  9. Violence.

    Give me one reason that story couldn't have been told without all the fighting.

  10. Horse sense.

    Why didn't they take horses on their quest? Or even better, why didn't Gandalf's giant flying bird friend haul them into Mordor? Watch out, Frodo! All of your methods of transportation have been swallowed by the Dark Lord of the Plot Hole!

  11. Retracted.*

    See below.

  12. Return of the Living Dead.

    In FOTR, if you watch closely during the Inn scene, Frodo and his crew are shown getting stabbed by the Ring Wraiths. Then, five seconds later, they are fine again. Note to the director: try proofreading your movie before you release it to the public.

  13. Did someone say plot hole?

    Liv Tyler's character is seen easily defeating nine strong supernatural beings, even though she is clearly a woman.

  14. The Battle Droid Syndrome.

    The mutated muscular soldiers of Mordor turned out to be hilariously ineffective fighters, a dozen of them held off by a single dying human. Apparently they made the beasts by crossing Orcs, Goblins and the French.

  15. Sloppy CGI.

    Gandalf's smoke boat at Bilbo's party is pretty impressive, but smoke cannot be made to travel horizontally, thus revealing it to be nothing but a cheap special effect.

  16. The Asbestos Wizard.

    We all saw Gandalf fall into the molten core of Middle Earth after his battle with the firebeast thing in part 1. Well, I guess the Gandalf action figure must have sold well, because in the slap-together sequel Two Towers, Gandalf is back. Perhaps it was voodoo, a la the corpse in Weekend at Bernie's II (look closely and you'll notice LOTR steals several elements from the WaB films).

  17. Invisible Implausibility.

    Every time Frodo or Bilbo went invisible with the ring they should have also gone BLIND. Your eyes cannot function unless light is reflected off the cornea. If light passes through it (as must be the case with invisibility) sight is no longer possible. Also, rings do not turn you invisible.

  18. The Asbestos Wizard, II.

    The giant fire beast thing at the end of part 1 was breathing a firey breath hot enough to send heat-distortion waves through the air. The sheer temperature of the air should have burned off Gandalf's beard and eyebrows. None of my reading on evolutionary biology reveals a single reason why a particular race of humans would develop unflammable facial hair as this would provide practically no advantage in either survival or mating.

  19. I'll have to rent that one.

    The rushed-through story the screenwriter threw in as the first ten minutes of Fellowship of the Ring looked a lot more interesting than the movie we were forced to watch. Why didn't somebody make a movie off that instead?

  20. Magic Mechanics.

    Experts on the occult say in order for a wizard to floorspin a fully-grown man like Gandalf, he'd need three magical staffs, not two.

  21. Finders, keepers.

    So Bilbo, who we are supposed to identify with as a protagonist, finds a piece of someone else's jewelry and just keeps it for himself? That's funny, because I would expect a good man to submit it to the local Lost and Found so it could be claimed by its owner. It makes me wonder if he bought that hillside house or if he was just squatting.

  22. Go-Go Gadget Arrow Sprouter.

    Legolas shoots arrow after arrow at his enemies, and yet the number of arrows in his quiver never decreases. I guess elves have glands on their back that secrete arrows.

  23. Watch out! He's going to explode!

    The heroes are shown eating again and again, and yet no one ever goes to the bathroom throughout their entire quest.

  24. Meesa gonna make theesa movie suckah!

    The character of Gollum in The Two Towers was entirely computer animated (a cheap effort to cash in on 1999's Jar Jar Binks Mania) but was just a dim shadow of George Lucas' effort. Thank you, Peter Jackson. Thank you right to Hell.

  25. Propaganda.

    The Elves, clearly the most advanced and wise species, are also clearly gay.

  26. Speaking of Elves...

    Elves are beautiful and wise and tall? Great warriors? Makers of fine lightweight weapons? Our modern knowledge of elves has observed only an ability to make cookies and toys. All the elves in the film are portrayed as living in a warm paradise (Rivendell) but our own information tells us the aforementioned group of toymaking elves work and thrive in the arctic. Hey, Mr. Jackson: Research is half of writing.

  27. Homage or theft?

    The "happy village of little people" idea was stolen from Willow.

  28. Homage or theft II?

    The wise old wizard character was stolen from Harry Potter.

  29. Homage or theft III?

    The "travelling on our quest through a corn field" scene was stolen from Shrek.

  30. Homage or theft IV?

    The character of the rebellious-but-helpful Ranger was stolen from Val Kilmer in Willow.

  31. Homage or theft V?

    The concept of the violent dwarf was based on Al Pacino.

  32. Homage or theft VI?

    The "old man looking through the door hatch at the approaching little people" scene was stolen from A Clockwork Orange.

  33. Homage or theft VII?

    The cantina scene with a noisy bar filled with a mix of otherworldly species was stolen from Cecile B. DeMille's One Night in an Alien Bar.

  34. Homage or theft VIII?

    The incident with the flock of evil magical spying crows serving the All-Seeing Eye was based on an actual incident.

  35. Homage or theft IX?

    The character of the Giant Evil Flaming All-Seeing Eye was based on former President Jimmy Carter.

  36. Homage or theft X?

    The character of Elrond was based on Agent Smith from The Matrix.

  37. Weighty issues.

    AKA "Plot Hole No. 273." Even with all that walking and light eating, the character of Sam only got fatter.

  38. Realism, schmealism.

    Liv Tyler's immortal elf volunteers to give up her eternal life for a single romance with a human man. Could any man really be that well endowed? I find it unlikely.

  39. Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow.

    The most advanced civilization is that of the elves, which are long-haired, new-age types? Sorry, Mr. Jackson, but modern science has proven that in any modern civilization, hippies would be extinct.

  40. Too many notes.

    No movie should be over two hours long. Did we need that whole thing in the mine in part 1? What about that almost-infinite battle scene in part 2? Didn't it seem like they were just adding pointless scenes in the middle to pad it? It's like they decided beforehand they wanted three hours for each film and used filler to flesh them out.

  41. Too many notes, II.

    I just want to re-emphasize the above point. There is no reason entertainment can't be concise.

  42. Too many notes, III.

    Too many characters to keep track of. The dwarf was clearly only there as a token dwarf character to sell tickets to lucrative movie-going dwarf demographic. Lose him.

  43. Rationalization for violence.

    Why, in part 1, is the black octopus creature painted as the bad guy when it attacks, when one of the fellowship had clearly been throwing rocks at it?

  44. The Shoeless Land.

    The Hobbits both 1) refuse to wear shoes and 2) run a livestock-based farming economy. Wouldn't they constantly be stepping in feces? Why doesn't the movie address this issue?

  45. Casting.

    Why couldn't Frodo have been played by Christopher Walken?

  46. Casting, II.

    Why couldn't Gandalf have been played by Bruce Campbell?

  47. Casting, III.

    Why couldn't Bilbo have been played by Vin Diesel?

  48. Casting, IV.

    Why couldn't Aragorn have been played by a monkey?

  49. The Score.

    The background music nearly zero funk.

  50. What's that smell?

    As bad as the Lucasfilm internet leaks were with the last Star Wars trilogy, the filmmakers of Lord of the Rings allowed the paperback novelizations onto shelves years in advance As if we needed any less of a reason to go see it.

-Dr. Albert Oxford, PhD
London Film Institute


*RETRACTED REASONS LORD OF THE RINGS SUCKS:


11. Damn you, gravity!

The giant firebeast thing is defeated by Gandalf when he destroys the bridge, sending the creature plunging to its death... despite the fact that it has wings.

This was retracted when a reader pointed out that the wings, like the rest of the beast, were made of shadow and fire and thus would be useless for flight.




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494 Comments

JUST SHOWS THAT YOU REALLY HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK, WHICH WAS PUBLISHED WAY BEFORE SHREK OR WARCRAFT SHOWED UP.

7/2/2009 6:26:43 AM
Retaliation

Wouldn't it be great if all the comments from people who failed to get the joke were as firmly tongue in cheek as the article itself? After browsing them I'm convinced that at least a few are.

7/2/2009 12:39:29 AM
Twist

Huh... I can only hope that this is just a lame ass joke. I'm sorry, but I thought this site put up stuff that was FUNNY.

But you're right. All that s**t was stolen. And totally not based on a book written in 1955. And that book is definitly not what they're reading in school...

6/18/2009 12:32:16 PM
stmr5000

How? How is it actually possible that people keep taking this seriously? Is there a satire deficiency elsewhere in the world that I was previously unaware of? Is it a mass joke devised by such commentors? Someone who had watched at most ONE of the LOTR movies could spot the sarcasm a mile off, let alone supposed fans, so I am genuinely baffled.

Anyway, f*****g hilarious. The progression of the 'homage or theft' part made me cry from laughing.

6/15/2009 4:17:31 AM
asperad

Actually that sequence in the Mine was definately needed. It was the scene were Gandalf "died" temporarily. It's kinda important if you think about it. If Gandalf hadn't died he would've aided in the battle at Amon Hen. If he was there Boromir would've survived. If Boromir survived then he wouldn't give his moving dying words of recognizing Aragorn as the true King of Gondor leaving the throne empty for all eternity.

6/14/2009 5:01:49 PM
Flashpenny

Wow, Yournoob. I'm genuinely stumped. I can't tell if that's extremely deadpan humour or you absoLUTEly missed the point of this article. Every single point was a joke.

Also, imagine the size a cowpat must be to a hobbit child. More like a paddling pool. Of despair.

6/12/2009 6:15:11 PM
Archprophet

Okay i had to make account so i could just tell you that the creater of lord of the rings did not stole the orcs from blizzard because the game company blizzard were founded in the year 1991, and the creater of lord of the rings made the books in the 1954-55 then games - workshop got the idea from lord of the rings but they change them alot so then blizzard took the idea from games work- shop so the most stoler of them all is blizzard :)


P.S i just needed to say how much retard you are.

6/7/2009 11:09:19 AM
Yournoob

XD I am a die-hard LotR fan, driven to distraction over it in fact. I laughed my ass off reading this. I am also a girl, AND French. Still funny. I can only assume that blaze001 is a troll. (Look it up on Encyclopedia Dramatica, if you don't know what it is.) It is a sort of "bullshit", I suppose, but a funny kind, IMHO.

Merry and Pippin pwn all!

5/31/2009 9:17:21 AM
DarkAngel1992

hahaha elrond is totally based on agent smith from the matrix

5/25/2009 9:51:41 PM
Mr.blonde7923

1. "Am I the only one who is laughing five times harder at the comments from angry LotR fans than the actual post?"- Yep, you are
2. "So I just thought it would be nice to inform those who cried about it [you know, the ones who are calling the writer a moron, idiot, etc.] that all that the yelling is doing is making you look like... well, morons, idiots, etc. The first sign was that you all actually thought that someone from the London Film Institute would seriously write for Cracked, especially for something they intended to be serious..

I just fail to understand how these people [who, judging by their comments, know SO much about film and literature, right?] have clearly not heard of 'satire'. "

OMG!!!! NOW I see something funny..... You ACTUALLY think we don't know that the name's fake? God, what a moron..... And FYI, I HAVE heard about satire.... but my doubts lie where this bullshit falls into that category...

3."Why couldn't Aragorn have been played by a monkey?" - Because the monkey was writing bullshit on a website under a crappy name....

4. "Or maybe you realize that it's satire, but you just "don't see why any LotR fan would find this funny". If you are such a huge fan that when you read this you feel homicidal urges and the sudden need to whine about how it's like "insulting the Bible", then maybe you shouldn't have clicked on the link that read, "50 Reasons Lord of the Rings Sucks". You people sound like my teenage daughter after I told her that the Jonas Brothers do not have any significant amount of musical talent. Except probably a little less PMS, and a lot more nerd rage"-

well, now that you've shoved your ass into this, I certainly AM getting urges of a homicidal nature..... And we clicked on the link because we thought we'd find something worthwhile here, not THIS kinda crap. And leave the JB outta this. You may have given your daughter a reveleation that was true, but this crap above certainly ain't true.... "PMS"? You seem to be confused with our gender? God....

And if you know SO much, judging by YOUR comments, about human nature, you would have realized that the issue wasnt nerd rage but people being unamused by a load of goatshit like that above......

5/20/2009 8:22:33 AM
blaze001

Am I the only one who is laughing five times harder at the comments from angry LotR fans than the actual post?

Let me tell you, I love Lord of the Rings. Probably too much. Seriously, my obsession is most likely terribly unhealthy. But I'm not letting my undeniable adoration for the series throw me into a blind rage. Sure, it wasn't the most hilarious thing I've ever read, especially from David Wong [a great author, might I point out], but it wasn't all that bad.

So I just thought it would be nice to inform those who cried about it [you know, the ones who are calling the writer a moron, idiot, etc.] that all that the yelling is doing is making you look like... well, morons, idiots, etc. The first sign was that you all actually thought that someone from the London Film Institute would seriously write for Cracked, especially for something they intended to be serious..

I just fail to understand how these people [who, judging by their comments, know SO much about film and literature, right?] have clearly not heard of 'satire'. It's not making fun of Lord of the Rings, it's making fun of a person making a terribly sad attempt at making fun of Lord of the Rings. It's almost proving that you can't find much to complain about [disregarding differences between the book and movie] without sounding like a dunce. Because it's a great series. Really though…

"Why couldn't Aragorn have been played by a monkey?"

How can you read that and NOT get that this isn’t serious?
Or maybe you realize that it's satire, but you just "don't see why any LotR fan would find this funny". If you are such a huge fan that when you read this you feel homicidal urges and the sudden need to whine about how it's like "insulting the Bible", then maybe you shouldn't have clicked on the link that read, "50 Reasons Lord of the Rings Sucks". You people sound like my teenage daughter after I told her that the Jonas Brothers do not have any significant amount of musical talent. Except probably a little less PMS, and a lot more nerd rage.

In short, quit your bitchin. :)

5/17/2009 5:03:57 PM
Xiara

Sir Albert Oxford,

With all due respect, you apparently don't know jack-s**t about Film, which is sad seeing as you hold a position at the London Film Institute, or Lord of the Rings. Let's talk about all the 'holes' in your analysis of this film.

First of all, you should take a lesson in terminology. The "fire-thing" you keep referring to is called a 'Balrog.'

As for your 'paperback novelizations being released onto shelves years in advance', 'The Hobbit' and 'The Lord of the Rings' was written by J.R.R. Tolkien in 1954. In case you can't do math, either, that was 55 years ago. FIFTY-FIVE YEARS AGO. Long before 'Harry Potter' was written, Willow, Shrek, Scarface, A Clockwork Orange, The Matrix, One Night in an Alien Bar, or Jimmy Carter were even known. Jimmy Carter probably read The Lord of the Rings as a child. I'm sure as he did he thought to himself, "My, I am just like Sauron!" Yes, Sauron. The name of your childishly termed 'giant-flaming-evil-eye-'. A man of your intelligence has a PhD? What has the world come to?

Your 'return from the living dead' issue is yet another display of your absolute, sound ignorance/stupidity. Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry were NOT being stabbed. The beds were stuffed with pillows to make it look like someone was sleeping in it so that the Ring Wraiths would believe they were there. They were in a room across the way and had just woken up because of the noise. God, you're an idiot.

Legolas is a PRINCE. A Prince of Elves. In addition, Elves have magical cases that keep on filling up with arrows-that is why he never runs out. Read the books.

Gandalf is a wizard. That is why his hair is inflammable.

And yes, the ring is fit-to-size. It was crafted with dark-magic in the fiery pits of hell.

Perhaps Samwise has a slow metabolism.

Horses were not brought into battle because they spook easily. Obviously.

Now, as for your time element, why on earth are you BITCHING about Peter Jackson not depicting characters going to the restroom if we could have done without the 'whole Moria thing' or the whole 'endless battle scene'? You're a fool.

So, in conclusion, Sir, you don't know jack-s**t about film, Lord of the Rings, or anything at all pertaining to "A Clockwork Orange" and Presidents such as Jimmy Carter.

By the way, just to further my point of your idiocy--I'm a sixteen year old GIRL. Yes, girl. Girls can be strong too, as we saw in The Return of the King when Eowyn stabbed and killed a Ring Wraith, the head Ring Wraith in fact, in the face.

Perhaps you should take your own advice---"Research is half of writing." Imbecile. Your article is a load of bollocks.

Adieu.

5/17/2009 10:22:10 AM
oxfordyoufool

Jesus guys, the article is satire. How do you not understand this?

5/17/2009 12:41:41 AM
Remington

Ok, someone here previously said, "Why do you guys take this *seriously*?? It's just a joke!" WELL I FAIL TO SEE WHAT'S SO FUNNY!! If this was intended to be a joke in the first place, then whoever posted this should've said so...only an idiot would've thought he could've gotten away with this!!

Now...i will address as many of these points as possible...or until i run out of room.

1."Forced to read them"? Actually, they would only "make" them read such books because they're *classics*!!
2. The only reason they made a sequel...and a sequel to the sequel...is because THERE WERE THREE BOOKS!!!! Why leave out vital information?!!
3. So...since she's a woman...she can't be strong enough to do something phenomenal? Huh...that's sounds sexist...oh yeah...because IT IS!!!
4. Boromir and Aragorn are TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!!!!!!! (btw...Boromir's hair is *brown*, not red)

The rest of these can be answered like so: 1) Tolkien wrote these books in the mid to late '50s...so, how could've he "stolen" these ideas that were created fairly recently? 2) Why in the world would people want to watch characters go to the loo DURING A MOVIE???? While you're at it, why don't you criticize all the other myraids of movies that do the same thing! 3) Elves aren't GAY!!! READ THE BOOKS!!!!!!!!! And...one last thing....you mentioned the occult...well, newflash: Tolkien didn't base his knowledge of magic on the occult. He was Catholic; therefore, he did not believe in the dark arts--unlike Rowling, who, by the way, wasn't even a thought when Tolkien was writing these novels.

So....whoever you are who wrote this (and I have no doubts that you are, in fact, NOT a "doctor"!)I will give you some heartfelt advice: do not speak of things you know *nothing* about!! I am saying this to save your sorry butt....which i honestly can't see why it should be.

Sincerely,
--A fellow LOTR fan who didn't find this one iota funny

5/16/2009 4:05:26 PM
lotrfan

Watch out! He's going to explode!

The heroes are shown eating again and again, and yet no one ever goes to the bathroom throughout their entire quest.

you really wanna watch a movie where the characters sit on the john half the time? that's just sick.

also i fail to see how watching Frodo take a crap would enrich the storyline. kudos for making all these LOTR fans get their backs up though :D

5/15/2009 8:14:28 PM
wimmie

hahahaha...man u suck

5/13/2009 2:53:44 PM
miko131293

Yeah, well, I didnt say anything for your approval.... say what you want....

5/13/2009 10:37:41 AM
blaze001

You're a f*****g moron.

5/12/2009 6:09:06 PM
Peace Frog

of course i can see that he intended it to be amusing, but you may have noticed that none of us are exactly laughing our nuts off...... this is bullshit, man.....

5/12/2009 12:35:21 PM
blaze001

If you philistines bothered to do any research at all, you'd know that Dr. Oxford doesn't care for online communication and other American inventions. He prefers the ancient English art of letter writing.

As one of his closest friends (we first became acquainted when he began writing for Pointless Waste of Time), I forward all relevant comments to him via email, which his erstwhile assistant in England then reads to him. He has instructed me to set up a thread on the forums in which myself and other colleagues of his will answer your questions. The more thought-out questions will be READ TO DR. OXFORD and he will in turn, reply (via us, of course.) To lodge a query please follow this link:

http://www.cracked.com/forums/index.php?action=post;topic=47481.20;num_replies=31

5/12/2009 4:58:22 AM
Peace Frog

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