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During his long tenure in the entertainment world, Kid Rock has demonstrated the kind of pimpin' credibility that can only come with the willingness to wear an emerald rockabilly pant suit.
In "Cowboy," Kid Rock alternates between running off with someone's newly betrothed and being wildly gyrated against by go-go dancers.
The dancers are particularly impressive, since Kid's animal magnetism must have been so great they were compelled to spontaneously cast off their clothes and gyrate in the middle of the road. Or, perhaps the matter in Kid's pimp hand was so dense that it collapsed all non-pimping matter, tearing the fabric off the ho/time continuum, opening a wormhole from which they appeared. Thanks to NASA's hard-on for Mars, we may never have the scientific resources to know definitively. The greatest feather of validation in his cap would have to be his once romantic link with Pamela Anderson. That kind of high profile dating is certainly notable, although in Hollywood circles it is about as rarefied as the rest of the world riding public transit.
Why he's mistaken:
Kid Rock understands that the more interesting the clothing he selects, the less interesting he actually has to be. No matter how much gusto he puts into his straight, pimpin' redneck retardery, there is nothing that can outshine the fact that he sports a moustache that barely pubescent Filipino boys can trounce.
With all of his homies, his entourage and throngs of followers, any number of people could have staged an intervention on his "moustache" by now, and yet it persists. Notorious B.I.G.
Though his flow usually focused on dark storytelling, some of his more mainstream songs like "Big Poppa" and "Hypnotize" allowed Biggie an outlet for his sensitive side. He wanted the world to know he was a Renaissance man who didn't just slap bitches, but just frequently had sex with them. In the video for "Hypnotize," he managed to convey that message while on an epic run from the law with Diddy (or as he was known then, the dude who whispers "that's right" in the background of Biggie's songs). The chase finds them in a boat trying to outrun three helicopters, as well as attempting to escape from six motorcycles in a car driving exclusively in reverse. For two enterprising pimps, they had a tendency to choose unballin' modes of evasion.
His lyrics spoke clearly for him, even if he seldom did.
"Girlfriend here's a pen, call me round 10
"At last, a nigga rappin' bout blunts and broads
Why he's mistaken:
... or Quaid just prior to asphyxiating on the surface of Mars in Total Recall:
Prince, or the Artist Seldom Known As Subtle, has insisted since day one he is sex incarnate. While some singers occasionally bolster the notion with suggestive dancing or lyrical turns, Prince has opted it as his entire shtick.
The best part is it takes zero familiarity with his catalog to notice this. Just browse a selection of his song titles to make that case.
"Adore" On a side note: He's so overtaxed with his sexing that he doesn't even have time to spell out "to" or "you" in any of his song titles or lyrics, but rather juxtaposes with "2" and "U". Impressive!
Why he's mistaken:
[] Bouffant hairdo
Furthermore, while we understand musicians often leverage the power of wardrobe to give them an exotic style and indelible mental image, it also serves the distinct advantage of drawing attention away from their face. Whether it's ass-less pants or testosterone-less man blouses, Prince is always primped to make an impression. Even if you previously thought Prince was an institution to sexy, watch what happens to his mystique when he is removed from his normal couture and slides into a McDonald's uniform.
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Ugg, every time I see Prince, I throw up a little.
the side-by-side's were hilarious, especially Smalls/Schwarzennegger
Jay-Z doesn't look like Mr. Potato Head, he looks like a camel.
All true, all totally f*****g hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Usher once picked a fight with a friend of mine, than ran away rather quickly when my friend took him up on it. Said friend is in a wheelchair and has no arms.
Adam Levine is hot in a nerdy way, Kid Rock is hot in an ugly way, the others just creep me out
LMAO at Prince in the McDonald's uniform. SO TRUE.
Hilarious article. Loved it.
The former teacher in me would like you to look up the words juxtapose and rarefied, however, and submit their definitions for 5 points of extra credit back.
I could go for a Prince song with Adam Levine's face and Usher's body....
To understand any Prince lyric assume it is a metaphor for sex. 99% of the time you would be right.
As to Maroon 5. Harder to Breathe is the only good song they ever recorded.
[x]5-foot-2, except when wearing heels
[x] Wears eyeliner
[x] Wrote a song called "If I Was Your Girlfriend," probably while wearing heels
What? Some girls like Trannies... Prince is close enough to get me going.
Also. The guy from Maroon Five was always sort of sexy in a creepy "oh my god... you're going to put it in whether I want you to or not, aren't you?" sort of way.
lmfao total recall was like the best, ill never forget that face
dude, kid rock is such hot white trash.
You needed to add Lil' Wayne to this list, he is UGLY as all Hell and yet can't seem to stop rappin' about how much "poozle" he gets! Other than that, I thought I was the only one who noticed Usher's weird head. lol
Sorry, but I can NOT agree with you on Prince. He absolutely has to go in the Lyle Lovett category.
Lest we forget the classic Duran Duran lyric: I'm lost and I'm found. I smell like I sound - and I'm hungry like the wolf.'
Well, Simon, you sound like s**t...
Necro...no. David Bowie is hot sex even in that sparkly blue outfit from Labyrinth. Even with full Ziggy Stardust makeup.
But to mojo...yes. John Mayer is truly a frat boy rapist. So much. So creepy.
What about Lil Wayne?
He's an ugly m**********r and he's always talkin' 'bout his hoes.
I still think prince is hot. ;3 But hey, im allowed. And your article is quite succint and true. Well done.
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Michael never thought of himself as a sex symbol? well, maybe he didn't say so, but this is a guy who sang a lot about getting with chicks while gyrating far more suggestively than elvis could have ever imagined and grabbing his crotch. and, until his face melted off, he was actually pretty hot in my opinion. I'd have screwed up all the way up through "Remember the Time"