#5. "Before He Cheats" - Carrie Underwood
"That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4-wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats ... I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all 4 tires ..."
Carrie Underwood's breakout hit turned out to be a one of those rare crossovers that appealed to fans of nearly every genre of music. Apparently every female, be they goth, redneck, hipster or grandmother, wants to see a cheater get owned. "Before He Cheats" won a bunch of awards on a bunch of country video stations and the 2007 MTV Video Music Award for Best New Artist.
Sure, an MTV award ranks somewhere between your high school marching band varsity letter and Hitler's skeleton on the spectrum of things you'd proudly display on your mantle. But, go ahead and turn on your radio. Any station, it doesn't matter. If you wait about 25 minutes, we guarantee you that you'll hear this song at least once. It may be a Finnish opera station, but someone, somewhere is playing it. If there's one thing that brings women of different cultures and backgrounds together it's a hatred of men.
Bitterness level: 7
Never before has destroying a man's automobile been catchier, and that is fucking terrifying.
#4. "Smile" - Lily Allen
"At first when I see you cry, yeah, it makes me smile"
In an attempt to out-crazy Carrie Underwood, Lily Allen takes things a step further by wreaking havoc on her cheating boyfriend himself. Granted, all this goes down in the video rather than the song itself, but you still probably won't mess with Lily Allen. It's hard to say whether the gentleman in question is crying because of his lost love or the fact that she had his ass kicked and then spikes his coffee with a laxative.
Seriously though, the guy should have seen it coming. After all, who cheats on a girl who is a product of a broken home, attended 13 different schools, was expelled from several of them for drinking, smoking and giving blow jobs, then dropped out at the age of 15 to work in a record store and deal ecstasy. You don't cheat on a women like her, man! That's marriage material.
Bitterness level: 7.5
That whole laxative thing is just wrong.
#3. "Shitlist" - L7
"I grab my pen and I write up a list, of all the people that won't be missed ... You made my shitlist"
If there is one person's shitlist you do not want to be on, it's a punk rock chick. Especially a punk rock chick like Donita Sparks, who once removed her tampon on stage and threw it into the crowd. Supposedly she did it as a symbol of protest about missiles or ... something.
Either way, if that's what she'll do to a huge crowd of adoring fans just imagine what would happen to the dude that ends up on that particular shitlist.
Bitterness level: 8.75
She says she'll grab her "pen" and write up the list, but one way or another we're pretty sure she's going to actually write the list in shit.
#2. "Goodbye Earl" - Dixie Chicks
"Earl, ain't it dark, wrapped up in that tarp?"
Finally. After all the talk, implications and threats someone finally follows through, and no one deserved it more than Earl. If there is one thing that is inexcusable, it's battering women (especially since they're so much better naked! Right guys! Ahem).
"Goodbye Earl" only got as high as No. 13 on the Billboard Hot Country charts, presumably due to it's dark subject matter. Probably also, because it ends with the heroines running a fruit stand.
Regardless of rankings it remains one of the Dixie Chicks' most popular songs, once again proving that women are ruthless. Go to a Dixie Chicks' concert with your girlfriend and you will feel the venomous glee of 10,000 women singing this song at the top of their lungs.
Bitterness level: 9
Sure, it doesn't actually sound that bitter. It's an upbeat-sounding song. It does have a happy ending and Earl did deserve it, but that only masks the bitterness. There was an in-song murder, and that's fucking bitter no matter how many nah-nah-nahs you put in there.
#1. "You Oughta Know" - Alanis Morissette
"And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back, I hope you feel it"
How, you may ask, can a song about a jilted lover come in ahead of an actual in-song murder? That's because all of the above songs are more or less stories--women playing out bitter fantasies with a microphone in hand. Alanis Morissette is really fucking bitter here, and it comes across in every acidic word.
Remember that before this, Alanis was the Canadian Britney Spears, a teenage dance-pop sensation. What could have gone so terribly wrong to transform her from this ...
... into the shrieking harpy in "You Oughta Know"?The list of urban legends on who Morissette is singing about is nearly as long as Carly Simon's. The most notable of those honorees are Bob Saget of Full House, Dave Coulier of Full House, hockey player Doug Gilmour, hockey player Mike Peluso, Matt LeBlanc of Friends and musician Leslie Howe. According to a news story it's commonly accepted that the song is, in fact, referring to Dave Coulier.
Go ahead and imagine them fucking for a while.
Coulier allegedly broke up with Morissette because he wanted to start a family and she felt she wasn't ready. It's important to note that, at the start of their relationship, he was 31 and she was 16. Really, Uncle Joey, you can't be surprised if your girlfriend isn't mother material if she needs your accompaniment to get into an R-rated movie. You know, the movie where she went down on you in the theater?
Bitterness level: 9.9
The only thing that could have made this a 10 was if Alanis also dated David Schwimmer, therefore having hooked up with the two dorkiest Full House stars and the two dorkiest Friends stars. Alas, she falls a bit short.
Stephen Handley also writes the pop-culture blog Cotton & Sand.