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5 Upcoming Comic Book Movies That Must Be Stopped
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The Mighty Thor
The Movie:
Who is He?
The origin of the comic god goes like this: The arrogant Thor needs a lesson in humility, so his father Odin, the ruler of all gods, sends him to Earth in the form of a crippled mortal to teach him to be humble. When Thor finally learns his shits do stink, his mortal form dies off and he is allowed to become himself again. This spiritual lesson serves to confirm two things: Being handicapped is God's way of punishing you for religious transgressions, and to the son of God, Earth is essentially a giant time-out where instead of facing a corner for five minutes you live a short, challenging life rife with confusion and pain until you are eventually allowed to die. Thor has the industry standard super-strength and invulnerability, as well as control over lightning and the ability to fly for no particular reason. Previous Notable Appearances on Film: Here we have the 1966 cartoon, using a form of half-assed lips-only animation that's actually a step below Johnny Quest. Was there really an era when the superhero's fortress could have a giant rainbow tongue without creating a blip on the audience's collective gaydar?
Why Fanboys Are Excited:
Why Fanboys Will Be Disappointed:
Vaughn apparently didn't get the memo that he had switched genres, and is directing a movie about a guy who looks like this:
... because they're in talks to cast Kevin McKidd in the lead role. He played Lucius Vorenus from the HBO series Rome, but he's best known as Tommy from Trainspotting. That's right, they've cast one of the heroin addicts from Trainspotting as Thor. Sure he's a good actor and we're all for British grit, but that guy's 50 pounds shy of being believable as Thor's love interest.
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I've got to agree with every one of these being turned into a bad movie by Hollywood. They can't help putting their "artistic touch" on characters that have been around for many years. By artistic touch, I really mean Greasy, moronic hands. How they'll do this with each one?
1-Submariner- He's not really useless in a fight as he can lift press 70 tons If I recall correctly(it's been years) but I'm betting the comics submariner will be Green and fight whalers or some damned thing. Perhaps a battle royale against eskimos trying to spear a seal for dinner.
2-Luke Cage-first they'll make him talk like he just graduated from Oxford. I suspect the villain will be someone white exploiting the black folks of Harlem totally disregarding the fact that any white guy in Harlem is only about 2 minutes from death anyway.
3- Green Lantern- He'll be gay...I mean literally out of the closet gay. He has the power to go anywhere in the universe, but yet the movie will make him completely earthbound due to the budget not being high enough to make him travel to some exotic planet.
4-Captain Marvel- Least it's Black Adam and Not that granny villain. Was it Granny Goodness? But they'll wreck the origin somehow or get a child actor that'll only annoy us like the little bastard in Terminator 2
5-Thor-They'll make him have a falling out with Odin, thus stranding him on earth. I'm dead sure they'll try to drag christianity in here somewhere to Thor's Origin and the movie should then be named:
Jesus 2: Hammer up yo' ass
The rainbow bridge is awesome because it's actually straight out of norse mythology, which just begs the question: when the heck did little girls and gay people steal the rainbow from the bloodthirsty vikings who decided it was so awesome it was the only way to get to the home of the gods?
They're just gonna use Namor in the FF4 third move anyways.
Uhm, Hate to be a comic nerd, but Captain Marvel was the basis for Marvelman (A UK version) and Marvelman was the basis for Alan Moore's "Miracleman". (This was sometime in the 80's.) Miracleman is one of the most deeply intricate and intelligent comic stories ever written. It talks about the nature of humanity and the role of the powerful in society in ways almost no one else has in any medium. Oh, Alan Moore did it in "Watchmen", but he's the same guy, so it doesn't count. If Captain Marvel could inspire Miracleman, the article writer's opinion is a turd sandwich.
When are they finally gonna brake down and make a live-action Fritz the Cat.
I love All these characters (im a cmomic book fan) ... BUT EVEN I dont want these movies to be made. except green lantern. then again theyre probably gonna churn out a big brown stinker just to get cash. psh
You forgot The Green Hornet,by Seth Rogen,that just might end up like when they gave Kevin Smith a chance.In the trash.
The first pic at the SHAZAM! bit it looks like the boys left (His right) arm is the big guys penis.......
Namor's got great abs
no h**o
And shrynk isn't a total douchebag for trying to pull a Borat joke...
Not!
h**o mermanus that doesnt sound gay
NOT
Tartra-
While I agree that Captain Marvel's creators didn't do the research, it appears you didn't, either. Solomon is a Biblical figure, not a Roman god. Just sayin'.
Generally speaking, though, all of these movies look like they're going to be absolute garbage.
Ernie Hudson (the black ghostbuster) is going to be playing Kami, the "Guardian of the Earth" ie God
That DBZ movie will suck.
Why does the sea serpent drown?
Ah - here's my question. Captain Marvel. I will believe that you possess all the powers of those gods you just named. Here's a question - how come you didn't take them all from the same culture? I mean - what the hell? You'll take Zeus and Atlas and Achilles as Greek but Hercules, Soloman and Mercury have to be Roman? Methinks someone was just trying to make an acronym and Did Not Do the Research.
Loci used his evil powers to make me watch 9:15 of a Thor cartoon episode with NO payoff! DAMN YOU LOCI!
you forgot the dbz movie(yes it is a comic book).goku is a highschool student and piccolo is white(literally)
i kinda agree on luke cage, but otherwise i used this as a source to lookup upcoming comic movies that will be totally freakin awesome. besides, if you have something against these heroes chances are you don't even read comics, so why are you whining? basically, i 85% disagree with this entire article. and as for namor? that's Your Highness to you.
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Posted: 11/18/2008 9:45:11 AM
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N-Cognito
I don't want to be THAT GUY (I kind of do), but DC Comics didn't create Captain Marvel. They just sued Fawcett Comics, who did,
and made them stop publishing the character. Then, after Fawcett went bankrupt, they bought out their assets and brought Captain Marvel back.
It was a dick move, but reading any article about comic book intellectual property litigation is essentially the same as reading about pirates with lawyers.
Also, while Stephanology is right to verbally fellate Alan Moore, the only reason Miracleman worked is because Miracleman was already slightly less ridiculous than Captain Marvel, and because all of silly bits were retconned away in the first issue.