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5 Upcoming Comic Book Movies That Must Be Stopped

By Robert Brockway November 14, 2007 2,221,454 views
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The Mighty Thor

The Movie:
Coming 2009, directed by Matthew Vaughn (Link).

Who is He?
Much like most bisexual East Berlin rave DJs, The Mighty Thor is named after an adjective and a powerful Norse god. The commonalities do not end there, however. Much like, say, "DJ Baldur the Funky Ramrod," The Mighty Thor also possesses radiant, flowing, shoulder-length blond locks, wears giant yellow go-go boots and a bright red cape, and most of what comes out of his mouth is an ancient, but powerful and masculine Germanic tongue.

The origin of the comic god goes like this: The arrogant Thor needs a lesson in humility, so his father Odin, the ruler of all gods, sends him to Earth in the form of a crippled mortal to teach him to be humble. When Thor finally learns his shits do stink, his mortal form dies off and he is allowed to become himself again.

This spiritual lesson serves to confirm two things: Being handicapped is God's way of punishing you for religious transgressions, and to the son of God, Earth is essentially a giant time-out where instead of facing a corner for five minutes you live a short, challenging life rife with confusion and pain until you are eventually allowed to die.

Thor has the industry standard super-strength and invulnerability, as well as control over lightning and the ability to fly for no particular reason.

Previous Notable Appearances on Film:

Here we have the 1966 cartoon, using a form of half-assed lips-only animation that's actually a step below Johnny Quest. Was there really an era when the superhero's fortress could have a giant rainbow tongue without creating a blip on the audience's collective gaydar?

Why Fanboys Are Excited:
The attached director is Matthew Vaughn, whose previous works include the brutal English gangster movie Layer Cake and the unappreciated fantasy epic Stardust. As producer, Vaughn was also involved in nearly every Guy Ritchie movie (Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels). He could add a certain level of cool to a genre that has to struggle to keep from slipping into the ridiculous (see Ghostrider).

Why Fanboys Will Be Disappointed:

Vaughn apparently didn't get the memo that he had switched genres, and is directing a movie about a guy who looks like this:

... because they're in talks to cast Kevin McKidd in the lead role. He played Lucius Vorenus from the HBO series Rome, but he's best known as Tommy from Trainspotting. That's right, they've cast one of the heroin addicts from Trainspotting as Thor. Sure he's a good actor and we're all for British grit, but that guy's 50 pounds shy of being believable as Thor's love interest.

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374 Comments

I love how this article blatantly ignores aspects of the characters it mocks to push an ill-conceived point.

Namor is a badass. He's strong enough to take on the Hulk. He is a pretty terrible person most of the time. And he's ditched the green thong lately for a whole bunch of black leather. Admittedly, the wings are silly. But still, given the right script, Namor would make a badass anti-hero movie.

Luke Cage has ditched the crown and yellow blouse for jeans and a beater. While Power Man is a s****y name, he is infinitely more badass than Spider-Man, running around in red and blue tights with spiderwebs on them, shooting off all around the city, NOT f*****g the gorgeous red head (at least for a little while. Eventually I guess he grows a pair, but not in the movies, yet.)

Thor, at least in his Ultimate comics, has gone through quite the make-over, and I imagine that they'll go that direction with the movie. Much more realistic and rainbowy.

I know nothing about the Shazam guy and very little about Hal Jordan other than his ring can do sweet things like become a massive hammer to crush you with. He is easily much more powerful, because of his ring, than many other DC heroes.

Usually I like your stuff, Cracked, but do some research, kay?

7/3/2009 9:59:22 PM
OMalley

also, power rangers is an adaptation of a japanese series called super sentai which has been running for 33 years. i thought everyone knew that. don't f**k with the rangers.

7/1/2009 8:34:41 PM
theavenger121

Here's this article in a nutshell:

"Hey, check out these comic book movies that are coming out in a few years. They have great actors and writers and directors attached to them, but all the characters are uncommon and there books have minor flaws! These movies are gonna be rolling in inherent suckage."

I will admit though, the choice for writer and director on the Green Lantern does sound pretty crappy. Other than that, I'm exited about these.

6/3/2009 1:56:59 PM
Sun-Wukong

Hey I was going to talk about Shazam! It wasn't started by DC. It was a rip off of Superman like the article says. But the company doing it went out of business. When DC secured rights to the character in the beginning of the 70s, Marvel had already made a, very different, character named Captain Marvel. That's why it was called Shazam! from that point. I think it's a good character. Jerry O'Connel should play him. Well he did a pretty good cartoon rendition in JLU. But as for it being about luring kids to subways and sexual deviants, I don't think that was on the forefront of people's minds when the story was concieved. Even Mister Rogers died just in time. Like the movie, Doubt, suspicious minds can ruin innocence. Not that it isn't a possibility.

5/5/2009 2:19:07 AM
Seal87

... Have you guys SEEN "Rome"? Lucius Vorenus was f*****g metal. The idea of that same actor playing Thor makes me MORE optimistic about the movie.

I just hope they base the character more on the Ultimates version than the Avengers version. "Pagan god punished with life as a mortal" was done better on "Cupid".

4/23/2009 11:17:50 PM
CLAVDIVS

Following up on JakeCamAction, yeah, Martin Campbell, best known for his work with on Goldeneye and Casino Royale, as well as Zorro and a couple of early 70's softcore porn (yeah, really), is indeed the new director, and Chris Pine, the new Captain Kirk, is supposedly signed on as Hal Jordan.

4/16/2009 7:55:51 AM
Daisho

The Green Lantern is now being directed by the guy who directed Goldeneye and Casino Royale. Two of the biggest and best Bond Films. And being written by a guy who has written some smallville episodes and some of the better heroes. and some other stuff. look it up yourself.

4/11/2009 5:07:20 PM
JakeCamAction

They had some crossovers between Superman and Captain Marvel. In most of them Captain Marvel had the advantage before something happened that caused the fighting to stop.

4/3/2009 6:01:18 PM
bustos26

thor wouldent be to bad, cept that fagg mckid is playing him, who the f**k made that decition!

3/25/2009 12:43:37 PM
jbroverman

well...they gotta do the Thor movie, no matter how bad itll suck, right? The Avengers is coming out in a year or two i believe, so theyre doing all the charcacters by themselves first. Thats why the new wolverirne movie was made....

3/24/2009 3:03:09 PM
pacey

I realized how old this article was when I got to the page about The Mighty Thor... Kenneth Branagh is directing, and Alexander Skarsgård is rumored to be playing Thor, so the arguments presented on Thor's page in this article are no longer valid.

3/22/2009 5:10:18 PM
SillySausage69

The Green lantern movie could be good if they incorporate all of the different green lanterns, in a sort of league of extraordinary gentlemen sort of way.

3/19/2009 9:19:54 PM
Kainotheman

Thor is a great story, but live action flight fights will be sketchy at best. I am being remined of someone climbing a tree in the twilight movie(that i did not watch but could not resist viewing the tree climbing scene 20 times).

3/19/2009 9:17:36 PM
Kainotheman

Actually, according to the marvel universe he is an Atlantian Demigod with nearly limitless powers. In one comic he takes complete control of someones' mind, though i can't quite remember who it was. His abilities are on par with Hercules, Apochalypse, or Sinister. If graded under the X-mens level rating, with magneto and xavier at 4, Phoenix at 5, Namor would be like a 6 or 7. Also, why is he being compared to DC's aqua man? Not even similar in origin or powers, aqua man was pretty useless though. I bet it was hard to find a place where you could fit the need to talk to fish into a super friends episode rofl.

3/19/2009 9:03:53 PM
Kainotheman

By the way is that >>SUPER DAVE

3/17/2009 9:54:33 PM
thunderguppy

I watched the old shazam! show when I was around four and I that it was kinda neat. Then again strech armstrong was the hottest toy at the time.

3/17/2009 9:50:31 PM
thunderguppy

@ sgt, your giving her far to much credit xD if shes insulting people who like kick ass comic based movies, then shes probably 13 and basing her ideas of the opposite sex off the last teen movie she saw.

Trust me, Im the biggest geek here xD.

3/16/2009 7:23:55 PM
bloodyneptune

Wow, people sure get attached to their comic books if theyre willing to call each other such names in order to prove a point... Remind me to stay away from comics

3/15/2009 8:01:39 PM
pyromaniacal13

CreepyCrawly, that's a cute comment, did your boyfriend write it. So if someone has some knowledge over a subject like comic books then the natural stereotype would be to label the person a nerd. I find that funny since you probably wrote that message on a break from world of warcraft. Here is a thought, why don't you crawl out of you parents basement, pull you d*ck out of your boyfriends a$$ and get a social life. The next time you feel like insulting someone who knows a thing or two about what they are talking about, why don't you listen and get past the whole getting jealous cause they know how to read and you don't thing.

3/10/2009 10:34:40 PM
sgt

-----Uniformeddate.com----- ? It is really a funny and interesting place to date attractive girls or hot guys. Many hottie videos and photos at this site, you can enjoy latest interesting videos or talk about hot topic with other friends.

3/9/2009 11:43:22 PM
Grace66

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