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5 Upcoming Comic Book Movies That Must Be Stopped
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The Movie:
Who is He?
Captain Marvel was essentially the generic brand Superman. The editors at DC needed another success like Superman, and decided to ape Captain Marvel nearly exactly. Captain Marvel is to Superman what GoBots are to Transformers, what Power Rangers are to Voltron, or what Cracked magazine is to MAD magazine. They just took Superman, dressed him in your grandfather's pajamas, paid a sexual deviant to write his back story and watched the cash roll in.
The origin of Shazam! is that young Billy Batson, a 12-year-old homeless newsboy, follows a mysterious stranger into a secret subway tunnel and boards an empty train that takes him to the lair of a wizard who gives him the secret word "Shazam!" The word is an acronym for Solomon, Hercules, Atlas, Zeus, Achilles and Mercury who all lend their respective powers to whoever yells the word with the least amount of shame.
Yes, you've read correctly, Captain Marvel in all of that skin-tight clothing, with his rippled muscles and dangling package is actually a 12-year-old boy who, thanks to a secret magic word he learned only by talking to strangers and following them into abandoned subway tunnels, has the amazing ability to instantly transform into the legal age of consent. Previous Notable Appearances on Film: Behold the glory of the live-action Shazam! TV show that aired in the mid-'70s. All the creepiness of the premise is on full display, as young Billy and his middle-aged male companion cross the country in their RV. Also, the Greek Gods appear to be represented by stationery cardboard cutouts.
Why Fanboys Are Excited:
The script is being written by William Goldman, John August, and Bryan Goluboff whose individual past efforts have included Big Fish, The Basketball Diaries, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and The Princess Bride. So, there's some real, actual writing people there who can actually write action and character depth at the same time, if given the chance. There are some themes to explore here, the hero transformation serving as a rescue fantasy for a boy abandoned by his parents and society in general. Maybe this film can explore some of the emotional complexities of the superhero that were so clumsily handled in Superman Returns.
Why Fanboys Will be Disappointed:
Also, these generic-brand rip offs only make sense if the original is doing monster business. That's not the case with Superman, though, whose last film was greeted with a thundering "meh." Here, you have a character with all the problems of Superman (namely, the all-powerful invincibility that makes him impossible to identify with), only without the familiarity and with a foppish gold sash around his waist. |
I've got to agree with every one of these being turned into a bad movie by Hollywood. They can't help putting their "artistic touch" on characters that have been around for many years. By artistic touch, I really mean Greasy, moronic hands. How they'll do this with each one?
1-Submariner- He's not really useless in a fight as he can lift press 70 tons If I recall correctly(it's been years) but I'm betting the comics submariner will be Green and fight whalers or some damned thing. Perhaps a battle royale against eskimos trying to spear a seal for dinner.
2-Luke Cage-first they'll make him talk like he just graduated from Oxford. I suspect the villain will be someone white exploiting the black folks of Harlem totally disregarding the fact that any white guy in Harlem is only about 2 minutes from death anyway.
3- Green Lantern- He'll be gay...I mean literally out of the closet gay. He has the power to go anywhere in the universe, but yet the movie will make him completely earthbound due to the budget not being high enough to make him travel to some exotic planet.
4-Captain Marvel- Least it's Black Adam and Not that granny villain. Was it Granny Goodness? But they'll wreck the origin somehow or get a child actor that'll only annoy us like the little bastard in Terminator 2
5-Thor-They'll make him have a falling out with Odin, thus stranding him on earth. I'm dead sure they'll try to drag christianity in here somewhere to Thor's Origin and the movie should then be named:
Jesus 2: Hammer up yo' ass
The rainbow bridge is awesome because it's actually straight out of norse mythology, which just begs the question: when the heck did little girls and gay people steal the rainbow from the bloodthirsty vikings who decided it was so awesome it was the only way to get to the home of the gods?
They're just gonna use Namor in the FF4 third move anyways.
Uhm, Hate to be a comic nerd, but Captain Marvel was the basis for Marvelman (A UK version) and Marvelman was the basis for Alan Moore's "Miracleman". (This was sometime in the 80's.) Miracleman is one of the most deeply intricate and intelligent comic stories ever written. It talks about the nature of humanity and the role of the powerful in society in ways almost no one else has in any medium. Oh, Alan Moore did it in "Watchmen", but he's the same guy, so it doesn't count. If Captain Marvel could inspire Miracleman, the article writer's opinion is a turd sandwich.
When are they finally gonna brake down and make a live-action Fritz the Cat.
I love All these characters (im a cmomic book fan) ... BUT EVEN I dont want these movies to be made. except green lantern. then again theyre probably gonna churn out a big brown stinker just to get cash. psh
You forgot The Green Hornet,by Seth Rogen,that just might end up like when they gave Kevin Smith a chance.In the trash.
The first pic at the SHAZAM! bit it looks like the boys left (His right) arm is the big guys penis.......
Namor's got great abs
no h**o
And shrynk isn't a total douchebag for trying to pull a Borat joke...
Not!
h**o mermanus that doesnt sound gay
NOT
Tartra-
While I agree that Captain Marvel's creators didn't do the research, it appears you didn't, either. Solomon is a Biblical figure, not a Roman god. Just sayin'.
Generally speaking, though, all of these movies look like they're going to be absolute garbage.
Ernie Hudson (the black ghostbuster) is going to be playing Kami, the "Guardian of the Earth" ie God
That DBZ movie will suck.
Why does the sea serpent drown?
Ah - here's my question. Captain Marvel. I will believe that you possess all the powers of those gods you just named. Here's a question - how come you didn't take them all from the same culture? I mean - what the hell? You'll take Zeus and Atlas and Achilles as Greek but Hercules, Soloman and Mercury have to be Roman? Methinks someone was just trying to make an acronym and Did Not Do the Research.
Loci used his evil powers to make me watch 9:15 of a Thor cartoon episode with NO payoff! DAMN YOU LOCI!
you forgot the dbz movie(yes it is a comic book).goku is a highschool student and piccolo is white(literally)
i kinda agree on luke cage, but otherwise i used this as a source to lookup upcoming comic movies that will be totally freakin awesome. besides, if you have something against these heroes chances are you don't even read comics, so why are you whining? basically, i 85% disagree with this entire article. and as for namor? that's Your Highness to you.
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Posted: 11/18/2008 9:45:11 AM
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N-Cognito
I don't want to be THAT GUY (I kind of do), but DC Comics didn't create Captain Marvel. They just sued Fawcett Comics, who did,
and made them stop publishing the character. Then, after Fawcett went bankrupt, they bought out their assets and brought Captain Marvel back.
It was a dick move, but reading any article about comic book intellectual property litigation is essentially the same as reading about pirates with lawyers.
Also, while Stephanology is right to verbally fellate Alan Moore, the only reason Miracleman worked is because Miracleman was already slightly less ridiculous than Captain Marvel, and because all of silly bits were retconned away in the first issue.