PrayStation: The 6 Most Misguided Christian Video Games
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It's always tricky to combine learning with fun, but especially difficult when it comes to learning about the bible. While Jack Thompson rants against video games for being "immoral" and "unacceptable" and "killing his family," a few companies are trying to put the hand of God back on the controller. Not surprisingly, we found that devout fundamentalists often make incredibly bad game designers. A little less expected is their muddling of the message of the Bible. We take a look through six of the most preposterous religious video games, evaluating them on sheer ridiculousness, as well as biblical coherence to answer the ultimate question: What would Jesus play? #6.
Super 3D Noah's Ark:
Suppose you own a Super Nintendo, but the 16-bit graphics have too many rounded corners and smooth surfaces for your eyes. Also, imagine that your idea of a fun game involves taking an existing PC game about shooting nazis, and reskinning it so that you are throwing fruit at animals that puts them to sleep. Having a difficult time imagining that? Well, then you'll have a hard time imagining why anyone in their right mind would buy Super 3D Noah's Ark. Hell, we had a tough time even imagining why ID software would let a company like Wisdom Tree take over Wolfenstein3D, the grandpappy of all first-person shooter games and transform it into ... well, just a random grandpappy running around tossing melons at sheep.
Nor, can we readily fathom what Wisdom Tree was thinking here. Not only do you have to fictionalize the whole Noah throwing fruit at sheep trope--one apparently omitted as being too boring for the bible--but you also have to pass over about a million Bible stories that lend themselves to being Wolfensteined instead.
Would Jesus Approve:
#5.
Bible Adventures
This game offers three Wisdom Tree games for the price of one, which makes it an even worse deal somehow. After all, seeing what they do with a 3-D shooter, really, what could be better? Answer: Pretty much everything above having your scrotum chewed on by a Rottweiler. What you're really getting here is three lame versions of the same incredibly bad game: Guy carries random crap across the level. Basically it's Super Mario Bros. if there were no villains or coins or anything other than pits to jump over.
In Noah's Ark, you guide Noah on his famous run through the jungle, lifting animals over his head, and carrying them back to the ark-trash-chute. You can even stack the animals into a big animal dagwood sandwich, although sadly, you can't eat them.
In Baby Moses, you lift Moses over your head, and carry him to the end of the level, where presumably, he is tossed into an ark-trash chute, off screen.
And finally, let's not forget David and Goliath, which is a complex gladiatorial combat game that both entertains and connects to the Biblical story. Just kidding! No, actually David and Goliath is a game where you--surprise!--lift sheep over your head and carry them across the level to an ark-trash-chute.
Would Jesus Approve:
#4.
King of Kings
Huzzah, another three-for-one deal, and the shittiest of all, from Wisdom Tree! They must have had someone contact their company and say, "Your games are unplayably bad, but you could fit more on a single cartridge."
The second game is called Flight to Egypt, and is basically like Donkey Kong, only instead of controlling an ape (we're guessing that concept brought humans and apes too close for creationists liking), you play an actual donkey. Your job is to carry Mary and baby Jesus along some kind of blue scaffolding while being attacked by snow and at least one crawling ice cube.
Careful, gamer! If you let baby Jesus die before he can preach his message, Christianity dies with him and all of humanity is doomed! The last game is Jesus and the Temple, which is basically a timed run for the big J-bird in the sky to get to the temple. It may as well be Saddam and the Grocery Store though, since you're just running across some ground trying not to fall in the water.
Would Jesus Approve:
#3.
Left Behind Eternal Forces
Welcome to the big leagues. Far from Wisdom Tree's crappy cartridge games lies a modern high-budget PC game based on the Left Behind books. For those of you unfamiliar, here's the basic premise: All the good people get raptured up to heaven. The not-good-enough people are left on Earth, where they have to battle the forces of the Antichrist.
The game is of course in no way fun to play, but it is remarkably true to life in terms of some details of fundamentalist Christianity. For example, you go around trying to convert people to your way of thinking, occasionally killing them if you can't. Men are more valuable than women because they can build buildings. And the minions of the Antichrist include electric guitarists, members of a world government (un)surprisingly similar to the UN, and "Secularists." Basically, if you aren't praying to Jesus, you're the enemy.
Would Jesus Approve:
#2.
The Bible Game
Ever since Vatican II, the church has tried to promote a lighter, more fun, atmosphere. So, it sort of makes sense that the Bible Game is a big Christian game show. The two losing contestants are presumably sentenced to Hell.
As you pick spaces on the board, one of a few things can happen. Maybe, you'll get Bible Trivia, which requires all players to answer questions about the Bible. They aren't simple questions you might be able to answer, like what commandment rhymes with "Thou shalt not shmurder." No, you can expect to be asked things like "When Mohab went unto Mohob, how many days was it before he left for Mohib?" But wait, there's more! In addition to the trivia, you can land on a fun challenge mini game! As you try to pass through rings while riding the waterspout of a whale, you might wonder what possible connection it actually has to the Bible. The only whale-related Bible story we can think of is the one with Jonah getting eaten by one. Actually, a mini game where you have to climb your way out from inside a whale sounds kind of awesome.
And, when it comes to fun, what simulated activity could be more exciting than climbing a ladder? (Hint: Pretty much anything else).
These games are enhanced by the fact that the host says "Let there be light!" to start each one, which combines with the bad Christian rock soundtrack to give you the sense that they're actually trying to be hip. Best of all, when you pick spaces on the board, you can randomly get the "Wrath of God" spot, which instead of laying waste to the Earth, takes all of your points.
Would Jesus Approve:
#1.
Catechumen
See, in Catechumen you don't kill people with guns, because that's the act of an unholy person. No, you kill them with your sword, and your other sword, and your magical sword, and once you find it, your extra-powerful sword which is like the one God probably uses.
Basically, this is your typical first-person slaughter fest with a tiny religious hat on. This reinforces the recurring theme of this list, which is that religiosity and fun exist at opposite ends of the spectrum and that you pretty much have to choose between one and the other. That can't be true, can it? Isn't there a story where Sampson kills an entire army by bludgeoning them with the skull of a dead animal? Where's that game?
Would Jesus Approve:
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EVANGELICON! For every bible quote you beat into your zombie followers heads you have to do the exact opposite of that quote in a low-rate motel.
I want a fighter where Elisha and his bear servants take on 40 schoolchildren, David fights Goliath, and Samson kills 3,000 soldiers with a jawbone.
You are missing one called "Angels & Demons". I had the misfortune to play this abysmal atrocity, where the player could either be an Angel or a Demon. I know, 'Doesn't Sound too bad.' Wrong! As an Angel you would go around and convert the demons with your force of 'Faith' and then celebrate in a heaven full of scantily clad women with halos and harps. But what fun is it to be good, the trick is the only way to win the game was to be on the good side. As a Demon you would go around try to catch the angels, and if you could you would then smite them to an eternity in HELL.
haha seriously, there are so many stories from the bible that would make infinitely more awesome video games. pretty much the whole old testament, actually. i mean, comon, it's got more war in it than thucydides.
There are so many better ideas for christian games, I propose a game in which you're a saint and you have to exorcise the demons of hell by entering some sort of crazy world inside the victim that changes with the demon and by whatever weakness they're exploiting. Just throw in a hero with a backstory and drving reason/search and you have an awesome action/platformer.
Honestly, the way Christians get so annoyed when people say things that could be considered at all demeaning to Jesus Christ, you'd think he was their god or something.
Oh wait.....
Why is it that as soon as God or religion are mentioned, people take it upon themselves to become self-righteous pricks?
Religious believers always say something like "how dare you make such an attack on Christianity, it is an entirely misunderstood religion, etc."
Secularists will then retort with "you Christians are a bunch of fags, God doesn't exist, religion is the cause of all suffering in the world, etc."
This article was written in good humour, to entertain, not to piss people off and create tenuous arguments regarding the subject matter.
The article was to complain about s****y games based on stories from the Bible, it isn't therefore claiming that Christian beliefs are false and the Bible is wrong.
But some readers found it necessary to become defensive about their own beliefs and cause arguments and be generally hateful and ignorant to each other.
Just grow the f**k up.
Incidentally, writing incredibly long paragraphs that no-one wants to read doesn't mean that you've proved a point.
That was a really biased review. I have those games and I like them because of the pragmatics associated with the game. Other people do the same thing with those things that they like (for example: everyone might not agree that the Little Mermaid game for Nintendo is the best designed game to fit actual cognitive human factors and design standards in video games, but you don't go bashing the little Mermaid. It is apparent that you attracted a lot of viewers of this article that feel the same way you do. However, if you want to hate the Bible and Christianity that's your choice, but if your doing game review... Then do a game review and at least give the game a real review... You haven't even played these games bro: here's a quote from you
"Presumably the "win" screen for those players depicts them roasting in Hell, so it probably comes off as something of a hollow victory."
"The last game is Jesus and the Temple, which is basically a timed run for the big J-bird in the sky to get to the temple."
And in the last quote your entirely wrong, you never play as Jesus in the game you play as a follower running to the temple to make it there on time to hear Him speak.
You said:" If only Jesus could WALK ON WATER. That would be handy. "
Yea, well again you haven't paid attention if you did play the game or you haven't played at all nor done any research just put pics and a page together to bash Christians. So if these Christians have no business designing games then I'd say you have no business reviewing games you haven't played or have poorly researched. Furthermore, if these designers appear to you as just getting the Bible into a video game to cater to their audience. I would criticize you for doing the same thing, setting up a video game review to just bash the Bible and cater to those who feel religion has harmed them in some way. Maybe someone hurt you in your life, and maybe someone close to you... just a thought not questioning or delving into your life but if so I am sorry for that, and God didn't do that to you, He doesn't hate you, religion and institutions have a lot of room for men to twist and intertwine their evil intentions into. But Jesus Christ loves you. And, for the one guy who said that Bible translations today are like typing in Babel fish a hundred times over... that broken cistern of a statement holds about as much water as comparing it to the telephone game(where the whole point and fun of the child's game is to purposely garble the message to something goofy at the end.) On the other hand when the Jewish high priests would write the name of God (when they started writing the laws of Moses etc, around the time that the Epic of Gilgamesh was written) they would do washing ritual, widdle a new pen write one letter of His Holy name and then have a new high priest come in and repeat the process for the next letter. In other words, when these men passed down the written language and the parables by word of mouth it was out of an immense fear or respectful reverance for God alone.
@ Dave_Dunwoody: It's the -jawbone- of a donkey, but aside from that, it's pretty much correct, down to the yippee kay ye part.
@ Dave_Dunwoody: It's the -jawbone- of a donkey, but aside from that, it's pretty much correct, down to the yippee kay ye part.
What annoys me about these game designers is that they look at the only parts of the Bible that aren't splattered with blood and gore. Joshua, the Conquest would make millions for its support of waging war on more than 10 countries at once, adding in difficulty levels like 'Believer' that would prevent you from using cavalry (the Jews weren't allowed that for some reason), and cool powers like 'Holy Fire', and 'Brimstone'. Now, that's a better game idea.
s****y christian logic=atheism
i doubt s****y video games=atheists
This is why people are starting to hate Jesus. Lame game designers should stay the f**k off Christ... they give us a bad name...
that last one sounds like christians would be upset about it more than if they made a game where YOU are a roman soldier going around chasing Jesus around stopping him before he finishes telling the parable to the listeners!
Could be wrong but I think Samson slays the army with a donkey's pelvic bone then goes "yippy ki yay wit' the ass of an ass." Good article, there could really be some kickass Apocalypse games but we get Bibleman.
umm, seriously is that guy actually quoting the bible!! you do realise that the quotes in any modern bible are like when you go on babel fish and and keep converting a sentence backa nd forth between english and japanese and you end up with full on illegible gibberish!!! all you need to do is chuck the odd olde daye quote in there and bam, you got's your self a bible quote... oh and do the old "name and numbers" thing, like so..... "Daniel 25:4 - "oh thou hast readist a fuckingeth boring arsed book and now ye quoteth it on a frickin' internet message board..eth!! go thy wretched fool and get thou hast a goddamn life", there we go. by the way a Samson game would be pretty sweet!!!
Most people who hate Christianity seem to know very little about it. It's probably not as you think. All people are born sinners (in rebellion against the laws of God: thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not commit adultery...) Romans 3:23-"For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" As a result we are slowly destroying ourselves. The more we sin, the more miserable we are and the more we hurt others. True Christians do not believe they are perfect. Romans 3:10-"There is none righteous, no, not one" Romans 6:23-"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." We die because sin separates us from God, and he is life. Every time you sin something dies (love, trust, reputation, goodness, ect), you are physically dying, and if you die in this state you will be separated from God forever (go to hell). This is called the law of sin and death. It is more sure than the law of gravity. When we realize that all of our efforts to be good never work out and turn to Jesus, believing that He is the Son of God and that he lived a perfect, sinless life dying on the cross, and taking our punishment for us (or death upon himself) we become "born again" or spiritually alive. John 3:3-"most assuredly I say unto you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God". We believe that Jesus was God's plan from the beginning. John 14:6-"Jesus said to him "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me" We believe that God's way is the only way. We do not believe God discriminates, no matter how vile someone may consider themselves. Romans 10:9-"confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation." vs 13 "whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved" We share this message because it is one of hope. It is the answer to guilt, shame, failure and fear of death. We don't become sinless but we become "the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus" (Our sins are "covered") and we have joy, peace and "abundant life" and want others to know what gift we have been given.
nice fultron
man for a faceless dude youve got a point. OK bible might not be exact but the writings mean a little something. just typing a coincidence here but u know genesis...adam and eve eve takes fruit the adam gets one after she "tempts him" the fruit is from the tree of "knowledge" and the devil , much like eve, tries to persuade them. so uve got knowledge as a downside the smarter weve gotten the worse off weve been but were smart enough to survive " whatever u get into ur problem with you can get out of, except with stupidity"(quote from some guy) now i love chicks not gay or anything but when adam ,a man, takes the fruit we were fucked eve had nothing to do with this. in the bible men>women so as you may have noticed but never said aloud in fear of not getting laid till your whoring money on the street corner , with the rise of women to near equal men in "standings er whatever" worlds been goin down now there are things that we men did that also screwed everything wayyy way more ie war racism ignorance and the womans favourite sexism a word thats been used wrongly against every man. now the devil is pretty fancy here too let alone he comes in as a snake here an animal created by ...u guessed it GOD. now that thats clear something is corrupt about the little hints with god-satan-women
ok now the bible NEVER freekin mentions jesus in his teenage years like hell teenagers "hey look theres cindy" next scene " aw thank you father, this is amazing" like hes obviously going to experience the most important part of the bible u know the thing that keeps us from extinction, a three letter nickname for my favourite part of life ...sex. now if jesus is soo amazing why doesnt he stay alive and create a population of super humans that can generally do whatever the hell they want. there were religions before christianity- the romans werent that bad ( hey man im just gonna masquerade as the son of god for 33 year and have it written that i never sinned) he just by claiming this caused the death of millions ,which i consider a sin, (sry hitler he wins by default) and without religion no crusades less sleepless nights contemplating the death of pope john paul the first ,murdered?, less boring movies more creative freedom ie: darkages (do ur research) the symbol of satan could easily be fire no doubt well meet the holy spirit
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How about converting that worm level from Gears of War 2 into the Jonah story with the whale eating him. Now THAT will convert some people.