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#5.
Urine Therapy
There's absolutely no evidence that urine therapy can cure a damn thing (and it comes with the added bonus of you getting to smell like the underside of a bridge or a downtown subway car). No, even the thing with peeing on jellyfish stings isn't true. On the bright side, armed with the new knowledge we've provided you, you can now try to pass those DVDs your girlfriend found in your closet off as medical instruction videos. #4.
Bloodletting
Bloodletting was one of the most enduring and popular medical practices in history, originated by the Greeks and used up until the 19th century for, well, basically everything. If you were feeling under the weather back in the day there's a good chance it was because you just had too much damn blood.
If you're wondering whether or not it works, the next time you're on your death bed with the flu, drag yourself out of bed and go downtown and give anywhere up to 4 quarts of blood; that's bloodletting for you, except you usually didn't get orange juice and a cookie after. Now, there is a chance you'll feel a bit better as you take a delirious blood loss inspired trip through the clouds on a golden unicorn, but we can assure you your flu probably won't be cured. #3.
Hard Core Diet Remedies
While a lot of the pills actually did help with weight loss, they also often caused fevers, heart troubles, blindness, death and birth defects. They couldn't have been all bad though, as in the 1950s and '60s women who took diet pills liked them so darn much they just couldn't seem to stop taking them. Of course, it might have had something to do with the fact that the diet pills of the '50s and '60s were in actuality bottles of pure crank. But hey, what's getting addicted to amphetamines when being ready for bathing suit season hangs in the balance? Oh, and since we just can't resist grossing you fine readers out, there have long existed stories that in the 1920s and '30s capsules filled with dehydrated tapeworms or tapeworm eggs were sold as diet pills.
There's some debate over whether these actually existed, but it seems like it could be true as various advertisements for the wormy pills have survived. Besides, if there was a market for the nut shock belt ... #2.
Trepanation
Trepanation is a fancy word for drilling holes in your head. This is actually the oldest surgical procedure known to man as humans have been intentionally knocking holes in their skulls dating back to the time of cavemen, giving hope to anyone who's had to watch the sitcom starring the Geico cavemen that all of them might die in a trepanation experiment horribly gone wrong in an upcoming episode.
Oh, and yes, a few brilliant individuals still practice trepanation to this day. To give you an idea of the oh-so-solid ground today's trepanation supporters' beliefs are built on, the biggest modern proponent of trepanation is a "Doctor" Bart Hughes. We put doctor in quotations marks because he never actually finished medical school. That's right kids, you, too, can be a college dropout and yet still go onto a career convincing people around the world to do incredibly retarded things, so reach for those stars. #1.
Female Hysteria Cures
Women and their mood swings, right guys? Right? You know what we're saying. Now, if you happen to be female don't be offended, there's no shame in admitting to the occasional bit of moodiness as according to 19th century doctors it's a symptom of a deadly serious medical condition (along with other symptoms such as nervousness, irritability and the dreaded "tendency to cause trouble"). That's right ladies, you may be a victim of female hysteria and not even know it.
Yes that's right, the cure for female hysteria was a doctor's hand down your bloomers until you weren't only thinking of England but screaming its name. Is it any wonder the list of symptoms for female hysteria was so long, literally any ailment could fit the diagnosis? In those sexually repressed times visiting the doctor's office must have been like a trip to Disneyland for most women.
Doctors of the day on the other hand were apparently, I don't know, gay or something since they actually objected to women's frequent desire to be "cured" by their magic fingers. Their solution to alleviate hand strain? They invented the vibrator, and thus this article comes to a happy ending. Nathan Birch also writes the sickeningly cute comic strip Zoology. He also wrote The 5 Creepiest urban Legends (That Happen to be True) for Cracked. |
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Well, this Female Hysteria cure explains how our country started out to be extremely sexist.
Your woman nagging you too much? Trying giving her an orgasm!
Trepanations are still induced today to treat brain injuries. Removing cranial bones and drilling holes help give room for swelling.
And breathing too much is bad for you. It is common knowledge that one can faint from hyperventilation and deaths have occured from breathing pure oxygen which is toxic.
I would rather have my skull trepanned than let someone strap an alectrified nut-belt around my waist.
And what happier ending is there than the vibrator?
Doctors disapproved of 'curing hysteria' because they were prudes. I'm not being stupid, victorian doctors tried so limit people having sex by saying it caused cancer of the womb, among a load of other things. They were as bad as priests when it came to opinions on sex.
That said, there were a lot of cases of supposed fake hysteria by woman, though I disagree with the accusation of "they did it for attention" ^^
The weird thing about trepanning is it didn't actually kill everyone it was performed on...they have found skulls with evidence of trepanning holes in that have actually healed over, meaning that the person lived to heal from trepanning! Also, many cultures believed [and still do today] that the hole-in-the-head thing was an effective way of releasing evil demon spirits that were posessing the body.
I can attest to the value of narcotics when you've got a cough. Vicodin works great when you've got a hacking cough and can't sleep :)
My grandmother talks about giving her kids paragoric for all sorts of things, including what it was meant for - diarrhea. It was good for teething, colds, flu, all sorts of things. It's a wonder my dad and uncle survived childhood.
as for the urin cure i have an aunt who uses her childrens urin to cure pink eye when they get it, now that sounds fun, " hey mom my eye itches" "its ok get your sister to pee in it, youll be alright."
Frankenstiens 6 inch monster? Speak for yourself.
oh that picture under 10 with the mother and baby is so cruel
you can almost hear the mother taunting the kid
"look I have your heroin/morphine juice, but you cant have it!"
*dangles it higher out of infants reach*
and why the hell is the kid naked anyways
weird
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Trepanation starts early: http://scienceblogs.com/omnibrain/upload/2007/06/trepanation_game.jpg
Great article! You are a good writer. I loved your urban legends article! I remember when I was a teenager and beginning to experience acne. My dad told me to wash my face in my own urine to get rid of the pimples. I think that was the first time I ever uttered the phrase "Aw Hell Naw!". As for number 1 why-oh-why was this practice discontinued?! I've been feeling quite anxious and irritable lately myself!
Don't forget all the fucktards in Hollywood who still think detoxing is actually possible.
Now that's some cheap smack! Those were good times.
The tapeworms in a pill is a very real thing - a friend of mine is a model, and she was telling us how a lot of girls take a tablet with a tapeworm in it so that they can eat and still look toothpick thin!
Also - back in the day when diseases like the plauge and whatever were rife - it was mostly the rich who died. Why? Coz they were the ones who could afford to be "cured" but mostly, they were killed by the ggod Doctor's remedy.
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I agree with Muckseen! Paging Dr. House! Paging Dr. House! OH MY!!! Damn, I grew up in the wrong century!!!!
Oh, well, see THERE'S my problem, too! I evidently have "Female Hysteria" and really need to see a hunky professional to get this serious problem cured! Thanks so much for this Highly Informative article! (Okay, it was also little gross, but then history is chock full of crunchy chewy grossness, isn't it?)
warcraft i hope you die a horrible, bloody death. Stop f*****g posting bullshit!
Also, it doesn't make you smarter.
And here we are, making it worse!
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