The Ten Minute Suicide Guide
That is, I figure you probably are if you're reading this, judging by the e-mail I get every day.
I obviously can't change your mind about this and I don't particularly see the need to. BUT, a person can screw up a suicide just like anything else and so I offer this guide on how to do it right. Yes, it does matter. This is the act that everyone will remember about you forever and ever. So, before you go rushing into it...
The following is a true story. I knew a girl in High School named Skyler. One day, not long after her 17th birthday, she got fed up with life and swallowed a whole bottle of pills. I would go into why, but we never knew why. All she left behind was a squiggly suicide note, scrawled in a tearful rage on the back of an Arby's receipt.
To make things worse, the devastating last line of her note, "I'M FINISHED WITH YOUR SHIT" was put down so sloppily that her family read it as, "I'M FAMISHED FOR MORE SHIT."
The family thus were led to believe that Skyler suffered from Coprophilia, or a fetish for eating human feces. And since death is no time to judge a person, Skyler's mother and father and three brothers openly embraced what they believed to be their beloved's love affair with poo. Who knows, maybe it was her shame over this unusual habit that pushed her over the edge. So they went public with the note, outing their poop-loving daughter to the community as to shed light on those still persecuted.
Skyler's classmates rallied around her memory, condemning the fecalphobes who they figured had taunted her as she took repeated trips to life's turd buffet. A memorial service was held in our school gym two days later and first up to the podium was little Kim Wittaker (a teammate on Skyler's dance team), who read this poem dedicated to her memory:
Skyler,
with your newfound wings,
you can fly high-ler
you'll have the poop pile of kings
and a golden poop piler
wherever you're at,
you have phat scat sat near the fat scat vat
we miss you
At this point, Principal Clark unveiled an airbrush painting by award-winning art student Cody Gunderson, which would honor Skyler's memory by forever hanging in the main entranceway of the school.
Do you get the point? Skyler didn't plan to fail. She just failed to plan. So before you get down to business, here's three things you need to think through. It won't take long:
1. Where Do You Go From Here?
I had a friend who worked as a cook at Denny's and hated it. On his feet and tossing salads all day. So he decides to rob the place, figuring he can take the money and start a new life. Instead he gets caught and goes to prison, where he winds up doing kitchen duty all day and tossing salads all night.
What I'm trying to say is that depending on where you end up, you could find yourself in the exact same bullshit you're in now. Most of us sit around the campfire late at night and talk about the afterlife as a distant, vague thing but you, if you do the suicide you're actually going to be there in a few minutes. So we have to stop talking about the afterworld as a shadowy hypothetical and start talking in terms of an actual place where you'll actually be before your next Birthday.
There are really only two popular views on the afterlife, the religious view and the nonreligious one. Now I don't know what you believe and I don't particularly care, so we'll just examine each possibility equally.
Afterlife Possibility A: Hell or something like it
If Christians are right, you can expect Hell. The best picture of Hell we have is from Italian author Dante Alighieri, who 700 years ago took a trip through Hell and then wrote an unreadable book about it.
His picture of Hell is about what you'd expect, in that there are different levels of hellness depending on what kind of an asshole you were. If you're surprised that suicides wind up in Hell at all, you have to understand that the bitch about suicide is that under the Christian scheme, it qualifies as murder. Dante's Hell has the suicide cases living in a suburb of murdererville.
This may sound unfair, but remember that murder isn't a horrible crime because of what it does to the murdered. That person is gone, what do they care? No, the crime is against the murdered person's Mom and brother and sister and best friend and all their coworkers and the people he or she owed money to. All of the people who depended on that person or would have depended on them in the future had they been allowed to live, all of the people who will feel the crushing waves of misery and loneliness due to their abrupt absence, they're the victims.
And since suicide creates the same real and emotional devastation as homocide, the two are treated as the same crime. I know, it sucks. But remember you're not being punished for what you did to yourself, but what you did to those around you when you pulled the trigger. That's the thing, suicide has a way of only hurting the people who liked you. The people who hated you will forget your name in a month and, in fact, the evil bastards who tormented you and drove you to this will actually be a little happier with you gone. Suicide is like a bunch of your friends saving up money to buy you a car and then you taking the car and running them over with it.
Dante's Hell
So under this plan you would get the murderer's punishment, which is to be plunged into a river of boiling blood, continually bitten by ravenous eels that secrete fire as venom whilst flying badgers swarm on those who try to swim out. This goes on for 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 times infinity and the whole time, this video plays continuously in the background.
There are differing thoughts on the actual torture, of course. Some don't believe in the boiling blood thing and say it is merely a "boiling" pool of carnivorous maggots or a simple boiling sea of shit. But most do think that the suicide cases are continually attacked and tortured by the murderers they're imprisoned with in Hell, because to them you're such an incompetent murderer that the only victim you could find who wouldn't overpower or outwit you was yourself. Thus, suicide is considered to be the same embarrassing insult to murderdom that Uwe Boll is to the world of film.
I'm not saying their harrassment will be worse than what you currently suffer at school or at work or at home, you know your situation better than I do. I'm just saying that they're murderers and there are millions of them and some of them have had several thousand years to be driven insane with rage. They have eternity to work you over and that there are no laws to stop them. Remember that in Hell, the only punishable crime is failing to torture the nearest person weaker than you.
Again, I doubt you think you deserve all that, but you probably don't think you deserve what you got in this life, either, and that certainly didn't change anything. All I can really say in response is that it's difficult to find anyone who was ever punished for anything who actually felt like they deserved it. Also note that Christianity is not a religion for pussies.
You may also point out that your life was your own and it should be a lesser crime to destroy something that belongs to you. But the Christians reasonably point out that you didn't buy or earn or plan or construct your own birth. It happened totally without your knowledge and the subsequent life could have ended at any second if your heart had decided to stop beating (which also happens without your knowledge) or if some heavy object had fallen on you in your sleep. So they say that it's really God who owned your life and for you to claim ownership of it is like saying you own the sunlight that beats down on your face on a hot summer day.
Of course, you can take comfort in knowing that lots of smart people disagree with the above picture of Hell. Many say, for instance, that it's unjust to punish the kind, devout Buddhist right alongside the con artist who steals the life savings from an old woman, leaving her to eat dog food on the street so that he can buy a ticket on a naked pedophile cruise to Bangkok.
Eastern religions such as Buddhism and Hinduism, though, also believe in an afterlife where some kind justice is carried out, be it through reincarnation or time spent in a spiritual obstacle course. What you learn in each life develops the soul and eventually you graduate. Your problem there is that suicides tend to come back as suicides. They live a couple of decades and then BLAM, they hit the reset switch and start over. So they never progress because they never give themselves a chance to learn or experience anything. If these religions are right then you've probably committed suicide before, in another life. And another, and another. And you'll do the same in the next one.
An example of the reincarnation process
So be prepared. If whatever afterlife is coming involves justice of some kind, you'll still have to answer for the fact that you ended this life by emotionally devastating all of the people who have helped you up until now, while simultaneously having bailed out on all of the people you were supposed to have helped in your remaining decades of life. From the friend who would have needed you to talk them through a tough time a month from now to the sweet girl who you were supposed to marry six years from now, all will be waiting to kick your ass in the afterworld. And even if you survive that ass-kicking gauntlet, at the end you'll have to look this baby in the eye. He was born with a rare skin-eating disease that makes his flesh harden and tear off in chunks...
...but you'll have time before that happens because that baby is still living, 18 years later, bearing the pain and smearing lotion on his skin every hour to keep it intact and hooking himself to an IV every night so he can survive another 24 hours. Oh, and...
...he competes in triathlons.
But I digress.
Now, if you look around long enough I'm sure you can find a religion where everyone goes to a paradise of some kind after death. The obvious problem with that is that not only will Hitler be there, along with the aforementioned thieving child rapist, but all of the people making your current life a living hell will also be there with you. Forever. And for a personality prone to suicide, the sheer fact that you can't escape this time (you can't kill yourself when you're already dead) turns even this universal Heaven into a kind of Hell - unless you somehow find a way to live with those people.
And if you're figuring that, yes, you can man up and face whatever challenges the next life presents, then you might as well do that now, in this life, and skip the extra step. It's just more efficient that way.
Afterlife Possibility B: The Atheists are right
Nothing. All of us wind up in the same cold, black, non-living state. Sinner, saint, serial killer, your best friend, your worst enemy, your Mom, Osama Bin Laden, Jesus, Jeffrey Dahmer, George W. Bush, Michael Moore, Mel Gibson, child molestors, child molestor victims, all wind up in the same spiritual Terri Schiavo state of mindless vegetation.
Of course there are some scientists who say that consciousness is preserved outside of the body in a sort of Quantum energy state so that the mind can live on. These energies, they speculate, congregate with other energies and, like on Earth, the bad apples are shuttled off to be quarantined in some place where they can't do harm to the good ones.
We can't know what this is like for a suicide such as yourself, but one experimental attempt to communicate with this plane of existence was able to detect the faint sounds of screaming, badgers, and this song playing over and over again. We have no way of knowing the significance of this.
2. Suicide Methods: How are you going to do it?
Consider this one carefully.
There's a Catch-22 here, in that the methods that leave you unconscious (taking pills or sucking car exhaust) also leaves the possibility that someone will find you and rush you to the hospital.
But the methods that leave you wide awake also leave you to experience the last few seconds of absolute bodily terror that comes with the realization that the thing you feared your whole life - death - is upon you, real and ugly and big as balls. Did you see that movie The Ring? Why were you scared of that little girl? What's the worst thing she could do?
Kill you, that's what. This thing, death, this is what had you jumping in your seat at sudden noises in the dark. Fear that something would lunge out and take your life.
I turned on the TV just now, flipped around. Three cop shows, heroes catching murderers so they can't kill again. Jaws playing on TNT. What are those characters desperately running and swimming away from? Death, by shark.
It's embedded in your psyche. So at that final, suicidal moment your body will realize via the full force of all of its adrenaline and nerve impulses that now every fear has suddenly come true right in front of your eyes. The rotted little girl from the well, the guy in the hockey mask with a chainsaw, the childhood shadowy monster from under the bed, all of them are now silly caricatures compared to the actual, real, black thing facing you at the moment you pull the razor. Endless, faceless death.
It's no surprise that roof-jumpers change their minds half way down (and that people avoid jumping as a method for that reason). That is, unless you enjoy mind-blowing terror and the feeling of shitting in your pants in midair like that pooping bungee jumper guy.
So here's some other common suicide methods, with the drawbacks of each:
A. Slitting your wrists
This one simply doesn't work. I've never, ever heard of a person successfully killing himself this way. It's extremely painful and by the time you get to doing the second cut the sight of your own blood spurting everywhere sends up such alarm bells that you find yourself desperately dailing 911 while splattering plasma all over the phone. It's the ultimate in self-aware suicide in that not only can you see yourself dying in vivid splashes of red, but you can feel it. Not recommended.
B. Shooting yourself
Contrary to popular belief, shooting yourself - even with a shotgun - is not a surefire way to die. More than half of the attempted gun suicides wake up in the hospital, missing a chunk of their brain and usually mute and wheelchair-bound for the rest of their lives. Kurt Cobain could just as easily have wound up blowing off the lower half of his face, laying there on the floor sputtering for thirty hours before the mailman came by and called the cops, Kurt living on as a deformed and inarticulate mask of horror for the rest of his days. I wouldn't go this route.
C. Overdose
People think one is the most painless, taking dozens of pain pills or whatever, but your body tends to wait until you're unconscious and then vomits them back up. This leaves you alive, sleeping in a puddle of puke, next to your suicide note which, absent a corresponding suicide, will just sound gay. Obviously not the direction you wanted to go.
D. Hanging
When the Old West used hanging as a method of capital punishment, they had actual experts to do the rig. It's not easy to hang a person quickly and painlessly. What often happens is the neck is broken and you're left to dangle for 30 minutes, twitching and clawing at the rope. Or, the noose breaks and you plunge to the floor, often with a severed upper spinal cord that leaves you a Christopher Reeve paraplegic. This is the last way I would ever try to do it.
E. Throwing yourself in front of a speeding train or car
Obviously this is the worst possible method, as it forces someone else to commit murder against their will. You know that horror movie Saw? That's what the bad guy in that movie did, forced other people to commit murder. So they actually make horror movies about what you'd be doing here, forcing someone else to live with that horrific memory. No, this one doesn't even deserve discussion.
3. Is the timing right?
This is the final question you have to ask yourself. You might feel like a fool if you commited suicide only to find out you had the winning lottery ticket in your pocket (or rather, never find out).
You have to use your own judgement. I can say that I knew a kid named Brad back when I was in school, an aspiring actor. So at one point Brad sells everything he owns so he can move to Los Angeles to find his fame and fortune.He gets door after door slammed in his face, until, desperate for money, he takes what I consider to be the worst possible job on Earth. He wore a chicken costume to stand on the sidewalk and advertise for a restaurant called El Pollo Loco. Picture it. You had these dreams in your head of hitting it big and being on movie sets and making out with starlets, and there you are, baking in the California sun in this stifling costume that smells like sweat and farts. Eight hours a day. People making snide comments as they pass. Feeling sorry for you. The humiliation must have burned like snake venom.
Sure, he found some success later. But you have to ask yourself, would any success make up for that? Or for what you're going through now? I know Brad asked himself that very thing.
Now obviously there are things you just can't overcome; some of what you hate will be with you forever. I knew a guy who was the shortest kid in his school - just five feet, two inches tall - and he never got taller. He was a black kid in a white town. And to top it all off, he had this very high, womanly voice and these effeminate gestures that just screamed "gay" every time he walked into a room, blared it like an air raid siren. And he wasn't even gay.
When I point out that he lived in the frozen wasteland of rural Minnesota, you can picture how often this guy got the crap kicked out of him by the racists and the homophobes and pretty much everybody else.
Should he have considered suicide? After all, he was already at an age when he knew he wasn't going to get any taller or whiter and his voice wasn't going to get any manlier. The kid wound up buying a guitar and, after some practice, recorded an album called Ode To My Pecker, which the record company insisted be changed to...
...Purple Rain.
Life is a tricky thing to predict, that's the problem. Even if you don't have any kind of special talent, you don't know where the ride will to take you. I had an uncle named Jeff, who lived up in the mountains in the Northwest. He was so poor he could barely feed his family. But one day he was out hunting for some food and when he fired his rifle... something black bubbled up from the ground.
It was oil. Black gold. Texas tea. Well, the next thing you know, old Jeff's a millionaire. He moved away so I don't know what came of him after that, but you get the idea.
Not to say that promises of financial riches are the only thing to keep a man going. A wealthy man once came up to me and offered me $100 million dollars, and said all I had to do was let him chop off my legs and, once a day, ram a lit blowtorch up my ass.
I said no, realizing for the first time that, while I didn't have $100 million, I did have something worth more than $100 million to me. Specifically, my legs and an unburnt anus. So if I already own something worth more than $100 million it's silly to worry about the bill collector at the door demanding his few thousand. That's a true story, by the way.
The 50% Rule
This is a good standard to follow. The average person lives to be about 75 years old. So if you're less than 38 and have more than half of your life left, the odds are that, for instance, the funniest joke you'll ever hear in your life is one you haven't heard yet. It's just statistics. Odds are you also haven't yet...
...met the girl you'll love the most;
...met your best friend;
...heard your favorite album;
...started the best job you'll ever have;
...read the best book;
...seen the best movie or played the coolest video game;
...found the hobby you're most interested in;
...had the best sex;
...had the most original, mind-blowing idea;
...met the dumbest person you'll ever meet;
...or seen the stupidest haircut.
You can make your own list. Look around your room, look around your life. If you're less than 38, the sheer odds are that the future holds a more awesome version of everything you see. You've got to weigh all of that shit. You're not really even conscious of your life until age 7 or 8, so to decide it's all bullshit after just ten or fifteen more years is like judging a movie by its poster.
Especially if you haven't had sex yet. I want to make a special point of that one. If you're at an age that you haven't had the sex, you definitely want to put off the suicide thing at least until after that. And if you're some kid with bad skin and are scoffing at me, thinking that the pretty girls don't even look at you, I'm going to let you in on one of society's biggest secrets:
Girls who look like models are never very good in bed. Don't take my word for it. Ask around.
Or, maybe you'll find out for yourself.
REVISE YOUR SUICIDE NOTE FIRST.
Remember Skyler (or "Scatler" as people came to know her afterwards). Don't do this without a note, one that's clear as to exactly who wronged you and why you felt suicide was the only choice and why your loved ones shouldn't feel guilty for it.
Now, obviously you can't judge what you've scrawled while still in a state of suicidal depression. What seems witty and biting will come off bitchy and trite. What seems deep and darkly eloquent will come of as merely goth.
Run your note by a friend first. Read it to them over the phone, get feedback. Give them a chance to suggest revisions. The best suicide notes I've read were created by inviting all of the friends over and reading it to them as a group.
If you don't have friends or at least any with writing talent, you can call a Suicide Hotline at 1-800-784-2433 and read it to them. They deal with dozens of suicides every day and they know a good note when they hear one. They'll shoot you straight.
Take the extra step, it's worth it. You know what you risk otherwise...
i'm 32 years old, happily married and now 5 months old pregnant. you all might think i have a good life and nothing i should complain of, but i have this depression from early childhood that is still and keep on going and going. i'm a single child and my parents are really pushing me to the edge. we're not rich and money is hard to come by. my mum's parents are rich but they favour my uncle so my mum was left out from she was a kid. my dad came from a poor family, that just made things worst. because of all their past 'suffering' then they keep picking on me even until now. everytime i tried to defend myself my mum keep saying i was lucky compared to her, so i have to just shut up, be strong, swallow everything... oh gosh i've been so depressed from early childhood that almost every night i cried before bedtime. i think god had mercy on me so that i met my husband, he's been so understanding about them from the beginning.but now my parents start to keep picking on him as well, he's the only person in this world that care most of and i can't stand looking him miserable like that.
Replyi'm really thinking of taking my life after my baby is born, it's not that i don't love my baby but i believe it will be best for him / her. i'm pretty sure that then my husband will leave this town, taking our baby away from my parents, and that's the best. my husband really takes good care of me so i believe he can take a good care of our child.
i will send a suicidal note to my parents saying that i don't want them to destroy my baby like they did to me, and if they love me, they should stay away from my child.
can anyone suggest what note should i write to my child when he/she already grow up? i want to make sure he/she knows that this is for the best, especially for him/her. i want the best life for him and to make sure he got that, i have to die, really
I'm 17 and im going through a really hard time right now. Since 7th grade I've been bullied constantly because i got the some of these students favorite teacher fired. He was fired for giving me a head injury that caused memory loss and severe mood swings. he dropped a 10 pound medicine ball from about a 4ft drop. these kids constantly bullied me and i could do nothing to stop it, the teachers ignored it and the principle refused to do anything about it. Being a small person didn't help either. eventually i got fed up with the principle saying he would do something so i yelled at him saying he wouldn't do anything. I got suspended for this. I eventually left and went to a new school about an hour away from where i live. we don't have any money to spend to move us closer and the price of gas is making matters worse. I've got one person in that school that i talk to and it still seems they don't really care about what happens to me. I've been thinking about things and if i was dead my family would be better off. Sure they would be sad, they will get over it though. in the end they would save money from not spending a lot of it on gas. they wouldn't have to spend money to feed me either. As long as i leave a good note like the post says it should make things a bit better.
ReplyI'm 42, unhealthy, and unemployed. From my earliest childhood, all I ever wanted was a home and family of my own and to make the world a better place. I worked as an environmental and social activist for 13 years, and got really burnt out. The longest I had been out of work since 18 was 3 months. It has been almost a year and a half now and I cannot find work and unemployment is running out. I don't have any real friends, and every guy I have ever been with has been damaged and has used me or betrayed me. I met what I thought was a wonderful man 4 months ago who convinced me he wanted to settle down and start a family with me. He told me last night, in the midst of our plans for the future, that he was afraid to have an adult relationship (he's 42 and divorced) and just dumped me. I feel, because of my age he was my last chance to have a child of my own, and he was going to help me go back to school, which I can't do now because I have no money or support. I will soon be homeless. I have battled depression all my life, and people always told me it would get better, but it never has. I am very very tired and can see no way out of the hell I am in. My small life insurance policy could help my struggling dad and brother, so it is a last gift I could give to them. My brother cannot work since he cares for my sick elderly father. The discouraging thing is I can't seem to find a sure way to do it. I have no access to prescription drugs (or any drugs aside from OTC ones) and I don't want to survive and be horribly scarred and possibly brain damaged.
ReplyI am turning 20 this year. I have attempted suicide twice before through overdose. The first time of overdose brought me closer to suicide than the second. I was left unable to speak for a day or two, and was lucky enough to regain my speech cos the doctor wasn't sure either if I would.. I have been very depressed lately with my looks. Someone just made an innocent but devastating comment that day about my eyes. I want to get surgery done to them, but I can't now because I have no money. I am not yet working, and eye surgery will cost alot. Mum doesn't understand my pain, My boyfriend is overseas and can't help me much. What people say can't help me much. I just feel worse about my looks. I have minded my looks all my life. I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and my depression over my looks can be so extreme others just don't understand. I feel freaking helpless. I feel like dying. I can't really wait that long (AT LEAST two years) for eye surgery. I am in soooo much pain right now. And honestly, I don't even want surgery. I wouldn't opt for it if I could. I'm afraid of pain, afraid of bad surgery results, afraid of side effects.... afraid I won't even like my new look and its irreversible... I really feel like dying cos I feel so helpless. Talking to people won't help cos they can't change my appearance for me. Neither will they give me money to do the surgery soon. I'm so so depressed and suicidal. Maybe you will think I'm just a young kid who doesn't know anything, but I've battled with depression for the last 8 years of my life, and I'm really really really really tired. Really freaking drained. I can't remember how it was like to be happy for sustained periods of time. I can't remember myself ever liking my looks or my person. I can't.
ReplyOk… try this one. Guy meets girl. Guy and girl fall in love. Guy and girl plan future. Guy finds out after some months that girl is “under age”. Guy tries to break off relationship but rationalizes that as long as no physical contact occurs he can wait until girl is old enough. Guy and girl see each other and girl get suggestive. Guy tells her no twice. Third time girl gets what she wants but guy stops and refuses to continue. Girl goes home. Girl call guy and tells him that parents know. Guy goes to parents to explain. Parents call police. Guy and girl give exact matching statements regarding the whole situation. Government prosecutes guy. Guy goes to prison for five years. Guy and girl don’t communicate for five years. Guy continues to love girl and believes that it was real. Guy gets out of prison and guy and girl begin communicating. Girl tells guy, “yes it was real but I am older now and need someone who can support me…” Guy, now a felon, sex offender, forty, unemployed and living with parents after release from prison (hell), comes to the realization that he’s completely obliterated his life for a love that is not requited. Guy wishes to kill himself. Any words of wisdom?
ReplyWrite a novel or screenplay based on your story. I'd watch that. No, I'm serious. Go out and by the screenwriting book 'Save the Cat', and put all those sentences into the 'beat sheet' in the book. Then grab an example of a recent script (look online for a screenplay of a movie you like), and write it in that format (you can buy something like Final Draft or use free software like Celtx). Send it into screenplay competitions, and see what happens. Good luck!
Hey..
ReplyWho wrote this article?
I was searching for methods to suicide and i luckily found this..well ..i am a member now!
I am just fed up with life.
I loved someone and he said , he dont want this relation anymore. .i dont know why!
The reason he is saying is , he dont trusts me!..what a shit!!
he has this problem. he suspects me too much.
i know he loves me, but he always hurts me with this kind of cheap shits.
Now what do i do..
I first thought of drowning myself in the well...
but iam too scared.
Then i thought of slitting my wrist....its terrible..i cant do it..
Then, next option is an accident.. i have planned a death.. i will jump myself into a fast running truck...
I dont know whether i have guts enough to do these...
but i am going to try.
Because i loved him too much and he just left me....
ppl dont understand how much lonely i feel without the person i thoght i love so and so and so and so and so much...
But for those who are reading this, i have an advice. Dont ever commit suicide for a reason like love failure.
Its just a waste of time..
I have read the article. its inspiring.
but i cannot get going.
Dear Monas,
ReplyI feel the same way. No one understands the constant cycles of depression and sadness and mood swings. I am sick of pulling myself out of the depths over and over. You get what I'm feeling.
I don't like your note though. Please put off your suicide. I want you to live so you can call me up and talk me out of my suicide. Are you still there?
I don't want to die. I want amazing happy things to happen. I want the cycles of suicidal depression to be replaced with unending cycles of awesomeness. Help me brother. Write back and I will give you my number. I need to talk to someone like you who understands.
Hey man I know exactly what you are going through. I recently went to a hospital for suicidal thoughts because I didn't want to end up doing things that I would regret later. If you ever want to you can talk to me. I may only be 14 but I know what you're going through
562 715 7071 same thing man, give me a call
Is this note fine? My friends won't help me with this! I don't want to call the hotline.. I don't want to call the hotline. If I fail to suicide, people near me will be very angry if they came to know I dialed the number of a suicide hotline.
Reply"I am writing this only to protect the loved ones who have tried to make my life easier than it could ever be.
If somebody finds this when I am dead because of a suicide, I want to say that the only reason I did this was that I was an unfit for this world. I have been depressed for so many years that i am fed up of everything now; the routine life, going into depression, coming out of it, holding new grudges over people: nearly everything. I know this would be hard on people who love me the most. I love them too. But I don't love my life enough. I am fed up of being unenthusiastic about all things. I am fed up of my mood swings. I am really scared. And I can see suicide as my only option for freedom."
hey man im hoping to start anew as well. but not through death. cheap housing is available in plenty of states were 3 or 4 people could own a home and live comfortable while working minimum wage jobs. im so down to leave the life i currently live and go on this adventure. who knows me and my band might never find jobs and die on our journey but f**k it that what we are were gonna do anyways. hit me up if this sounds interesting, and you just want to get away. 562 715 7071
Is this note fine? My friends won't help me with this! I don't want to call the hotline.. I don't want to call the hotline. If I fail to suicide, people near me will be very angry if they came to know I dialed the number of a suicide hotline.
Reply"I am writing this only to protect the loved ones who have tried to make my life easier than it could ever be.
If somebody finds this when I am dead because of a suicide, I want to say that the only reason I did this was that I was an unfit for this world. I have been depressed for so many years that i am fed up of everything now; the routine life, going into depression, coming out of it, holding new grudges over people: nearly everything. I know this would be hard on people who love me the most. I love them too. But I don't love my life enough. I am fed up of being unenthusiastic about all things. I am fed up of my mood swings. I am really scared. And I can see suicide as my only option for freedom."
yea thats cool if i were to do it which i have never been able to do obviously haven't had the guts allthough i have had the guts to go to war for 5 and half years of my life to die there i would use the same stuff vets give animals to put them peacefully to sleep i don't think there is any better way to do it.
Shooting yourself certainly worked for my uncle....
ReplyI've seen people, had friends that tried the over dosing.. never worked. They'd start having a seizure or walking around funny and puking so people would rush them to the ER.
You know what, David? I'm going to go look for the girl I'll love most/ the best sex of my life TONIGHT.
ReplyThank you, sir.
get a whore if ya can't find one lol
love still is not a panacea
I'm such a p***y
Replyo ya i drink and i think AA is the most useless pile of s**t in the f**k world!!!! a bunch of f*****g pusses saying is not there fault they drink its not there fault they smoke crack! Let me be the first to say it is my fault I'm fucked up I'm not going to blame my mom ( the stupid c**t ) I'm not going to blame the booze ( the yummy booze ) its my fault i drink, its my fault i some of my marine didn't make it home, its my fault i can't love, its my fault i can't read, its my fault i write, its my fault my marriage failed, its my fault I'm a bad father, and its my fault I'm a bad parson! none of that 12 steps bull s**t
Replyyour the man im looking for. i wanna leave all my s**t behind, and if your thinking of suicide so do you. call me 562-7157071 its your chance to start anew just as i hope i can as well, i just wanna move to a state with low housing costs and chill all day after my minimum pay day job. and i dont care your an alcoholic, s**t ill get drunk with you if u wanna. s**t heals over time, its just up to you to see if you wanna ride it out wit some complete strangers. 562 715 7071
Im a US Marine i was in a iraq in 2009 i have won awards and all that horse s**t, I think I'm pretty good marine. but tonight i saw throw all the fog and have have seen that i am the hand of pain and misery in life other peoples lives. everything i touch turns to s**t i have reached the highest pay grade i will advance to ( and its not that high ). i have ruined my marriage ( not because i cheated but because i am such a f*****g piece of s**t i can't communicate even the smallest amount to make her happy) i am a bad father ( not like that, i don't touch my child or abuse him in any way. i don't think i can love him or think i can teach him how to love ) think my son will come out like me hating everything about himself and unable to accomplish any worth while. and don't look at the corps as worth while because thing i know to do is kill other people. that what i think about all a day long it is how much i want to kill people but i wont because I'm here to protect the people the can't protect themselves so i just want to kill my self to stop all the pain i cause other people. guess what? i just put two and 2 together and got = 4 ( i guess i had been coming up with 47 because I'm so f*****g stupid ) get this my parents had a good marriage ( everyone says so ) they had 3 girls smart ( all of there IQ's are 120 - 140 ) then i come along everyone agrees that my mom went crazy after i was born which thin ruined my parents marriage, now all my sisters have emotional problems, my dad can't love agin, and my mom who should be in a psychiatric facially all just because i was born ( she should have have had an abortion ) o ya me i am f*****g stupid i can't read or writhe this has taken me over 2 hours so far ( not stupid stupid if i here something i will remember it forever like history i have taught men in menza who wrought there thesis on Admiral Halsey about german u-boat tactics i can explain how a nuclear reactor works to a smart 6 year and play 10 games of chess at ones and win 70% to 80% of them I'm not dumb i just can't read or write. ( on 2 hours and 30 mins) the reason i want to kill my self is all i know how to is hurt people i just want to stop hurting people. i guess this site helped me because it maid me laugh and i didn't kill my self tonight. i guess i need to do what they do in AA one shity day at a time
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesDude if you're serious, I think you should seek psychological help. No this is not an insult in anyway, I don't know if it will fix your issues but it could. I'm not trying to be rude or insulting just lending a word of advice. Sorry for all the s**t you've gone through though "/
the fact that your a marine might mean your close to me man. i hope to god(which i dont believe in) that you will revisit this site to read this. i live in oceanside which is right next to pendleton which i know you know is the big marine base of the west coast. hoping you live in the close vicinity i wanna hang with you. im 20yrs old and kinda dont like my life either. i just wanna get away or at least hang with someone who knows nothing of me. the fact you wanna kill people dosnt scare me because i dont mind dieing lol. so hopefully even if you cant read this you will call me because im sure you can use a phone 562 715 7071 CA CAMP PENDLETON MARINES OCEANSIDE. hopefully you know these words well enough and will give me a call i just wanna hang man and maybe we can have a beer together.
apply for the army disability money should get it if youb have medals for combat
i was in iraq and kuwait 5 years did time in bosnia i know prob some of what your feeling like seeing entire areas devastated and how s****y life can get i wishi had guts to off myself but am applying for benefits and s**t cause i also got torutred in iraq by kbr company i worked for and they like oh yea you just want money why oyur applying for workmans comp made me wait three years now lol f**k no i want to die i just can't f*****g do it
s**t the pills help some but they just keep f*****g with you
This is a great article for younger readers, as the examples given were all of teenagers and young adults. For many people over fifty, though, there is no reason to be so optimistic. David Wong, consider this scenario, instead: A fifty-something woman loses her job three years ago, laid off through no fault of her own. She has applied for hundreds of jobs since then, only to be told that she is "overqualified" -- code word for too old. She has advanced degrees and many years of work experience, but has gotten familiar with the looks in the eyes of the twenty-somethings who interview. Since she was laid off, the only work she can find is an occasional temp assignment. This fifty-something woman also has several medical conditions, again, through no fault of her own, but are conditions she was born with. Since she can no longer afford health insurance, she's had to stop taking her daily medications, and has had a recurrence of her illnesses. The woman's husband believes she isn't trying to find work, and tells her she's nothing but a drain on him. She does have a grown child who is enrolled in a prestigious PhD program, and she hopes her child won't have to suffer as she's had to. The fifty-something woman is several years away from qualifying for Medicare, in the unlikely event it is still there when she is in her mid-sixties. This comment is not submitted as a shameless gambit for sympathy. It's far too late for that. David Wong, you are to be commended for your efforts, and I do believe they have helped, and will help many young people. For others, it may simply be too late. Goodbye.
ReplyPlease, some very successful people over the age of fifty have taken the plunge. Everybody's brain is different and is molded from the time you popped out of your mom's vagina. How people interact with you shapes you. Everyone's brain is different however. Hopefully your mom didn't do drugs, smoke, or drink with you in the womb. If she did, welcome to the circus. Maybe you were ugly through genetics. Short, fat, too tall, hairy, or just a simply ugly face. What can you do. Your parents fucked and you popped out. Tools are available. I've always found that alcohol and drugs can temporarily take life out of the equation, but then you wake up to face it again. Just try to stay high on some drug that boosts your dopamine even if it's an antidepressant. You can get these through counseling. It does brighten your outlook. To those who say drugs aren't the answer, wait until some hairy s**t happens in your life ( you lose all those you love and you're left behind for example) but I do agree there are those who have gone through hell and don't succomb to addiction. They are stronger than I am and I admit it, but don't lessen my pain
ReplyHonestly, I think this just saved my life. Thank you.
Replyplease understand that this is not some lame attempt to conjure up sympathy from anyone. even if there were ever a time for any of that silly s**t, it has long passed.
Replyas an adult i have never really wore my heart on my sleeve, or shown much love or emotion to anyone about much of anything. especially towards friends and family. i was an extremely moody, shy, and emotionally hyper-sensitive child that could be laughing one second, then be on the verge of crying the next from any little thing that may have upset me. i guess that could be said about any child. but i never changed much. i learned early-on enough to hide and mask it all for the most part. except around the very few i truely loved and chose to share my life with. i was actually able to suppress those feelings and emotions, and harden my soul long enough to survive the horrible things that were yet to come.
btw, i grew up in a wellfare family in south east L.A. but in my teens and early adulthood i spent alot of time in and out of juvies, jails, and prisons from stupid kid s**t and gang activities. years after maxxing out my parole, i got a really good job as a carpenter, along with other carrer opportunities. as soon as i was just about to start a new and successful life for myself, my ex decided i needed to pay for her way through life (by way of child support), even though she had her own successful career and a new husband with the same. she by no means ever actually needed even one cent from me. i even went all out of my way(as per her request) to legally sign over my rights to the kids so her new husband would be able to adopt them as his own. this was all in the promise that any and all finacial responsibility would be completely lifted from me so that i could get on with my own life. i even became a christian, based on a mix between the basic teachings of jesus, and my own anarchist beliefs, principles, and philosophy(christianarchism/anarchristianity) its a real thing, go ahead and google it. i tried to put aside all my resentment and animosity towards those i considered my enemies. i quit smoking, drugs, and drinking. i have even been able to remain abstinent for the entire last half of my life (21 years). i begged, prayed, screamed, cried, and sobbed my heart out to god for years for whatever help that he had to offer, but of course, to no avail. although politically, i remain an ardent anarchist. i no longer subscribe to any silly religious/traditional superstitions. even my own particular brand of divine desperation was never performed on rationality.
ive searched very hard for many years to try to find a reason to live, but came up empty. i know how selfish that is. i think that we(humans) are all pretty selfish. WE mourn people and things WE have lost because they are no longer here with US to enrich OUR lives with their presence. i am selfishly mourning for MY cat cordelia right now. sure, i selflessly wanted her to have a long and happy life, but only because it selfishly gave ME joy to witness and take part in it. even if it was only temporary.
ive lost or pissed away every opportuninty, every little thing, and everyone ive ever had or loved. i have absolutely nothing left to live for. i know that there are at least a few people that care about me. people that will miss me, and even cry over their loss. but none of them have ever shared my experiences and hardships. regardless of what the the do-gooders and religious nuts say, they will all be fine. they all have friends and family, schools, jobs, careers, and steady incomes to pay for whatever therapy or medications they may(very doubtfully) need to get over my death.
ive always foolishly believed that caring for, and loving those that i allowed into my life was all i needed to survive. i had to learn that wasnt true the very long and difficult way. now its too late. even if i could find myself caring about someone or something else again, there is still nothing for me to contribute or receive. inside, i'm already dead.
ive been pondering ways to kill myself for a while now. ive just been trying to build up the strength. but it turns out that it is much harder than one might think. not just psychologically, or physically. but the results from the research by itself is very discouraging and disheartening. regardless of what you may see on the tv, drug overdose(the quickest, easiest, painless way out) very rarely ever works. also, the most effective and reliable s**t like nembutal, is either extremely exspensive, and/or even harder to find. but it turns out that i am a very weak, pathetic, and cowardly man anyway. most of you may think that "taking the easy way out" is cowardly and weak. i fully accept that. ive been stagnating in my own self-disgust for too many decades now. being able to write this s**t all by itself is proof enough that shame is no longer an issue for me.
instead of learning how to cope with the real world outside of my own little prison cell that i have built up for myself, all these many decades i have been filling my emptiness with temporary surrogate substitutes and distractions i was once seemingly passionate about, but no longer have any interest in. such as: music, art, surfing, hockey, politics, philosophy... i have no desire for any of it anymore. it all just seems so insignificant now. before the homegrown, garage front psych majors chime in, i wanna explain to you that depression is no more a disease than any of the other natural human emotions like sadness or joy. is ther a pill for the prevention of joy and hapiness yet? depression is neither viral nor bacterial. so keep your big pharma propaganda to yourself. your god or drugs wont pay my rent or fill my belly to survive the next day.
losing cordelia sealed it for me. she was all i had left in life. and similarly with my ex-wife and 2 kids(lost 20 years ago), i got too soft and attached. i became completely addicted and dependant on the emotions that we exchanged with eachother. i allowed my obsession with love devastate me to the point of irreparable damage to my own social and psychological well-being. i am hopelessly grief stricken. cordelia was the only thing that kept me from being completely overwhelmed by my crippling loneliness and abandonment issues. obviously, like most people, ide rather not die. i fully understand that there are millions of people out there in far worse circumstances. and i would have loved to be able to have done more in life. maybe travel the world, and discover alot of really cool s**t ive never experienced before.
but i guess its just as well, because my mom (which btw, i still live with and am fully dependant on for shelter, even after 42 years!!!) is very close to the end of her life(she could die on any given day now). therefore, i will end up homeless anyway. and at my age, with no car, licence, job, education, money, the threat of child support taking all my potential earnings again, and even if that werent true, i still have absolutely no prospect of even the most menial job. i wouldnt have been able to provide for cordelia anymore than i could for myself. and if shes not dead, i can only hope that whatever happened to her, or wherever she may be, someone else is loving and caring for her now. it may seem pretty pathetic to most of you, that a cat was the best thing that ever happened to me, and the only reason i hadnt killed myself years ago. but even just the mere simple task of having to feed her a bowl of food every day brought 24/7 hope and purpose into my life where there was none. i think that is a pretty amazing thing. i was still planning to end my life even before cordelia went missing. but i knew that she would have been in good hands with any one of my family members.
no one can be blamed other than myself. worthlessness is a scary and horrible thing to try to live with. why should i die with dignity, when i lived in shame? with all of that being said, i apologize for nothing. i leave no debts, and deserve no recompense from anyone i may have helped. this will be my last selfish act.
please do not give up but write back to me. i totally relate and have alot of thoughts and ideas for you, Linda
Thank you so much. I used to think people who committed suicide were weak pussies but then I hit rock bottom and God showed how it felt. I'm only fifteen and I'm a girl but I've strongly considered suicide multiple times. I used to be fat and ugly while my two older sisters were beautiful and amazing. All I had was my smarts. So I was made fun of mostely by immature boys, It was bad enough going to school and being bullied but I'd go to church and be made fun of too, I've actually been asked why I wasn't as attractive as my sisters. It hurt. Even my own mother knew I wasn't pretty even though she wouldn't admit it. She'd just say someday I'd be pretty. I'm also very tall. Taller than other girls. Well the day did come when I'd be pretty. I am now. But things have gotten worse because now girls make fun of me because of my looks. They just hate me. Boys only want to have sex with me which is painful too. I began to cut myself. I also go to a mostly white school so I've had racial remarks aimed towards me (I'm black) racism still exists. Anyways, I dated a white boy an he broke my heart which made it way worse. So one night I cut myself and cried when I couldn't stop. I tried to kill myself but luckily it didnt work. Now I'm happy but suicide is always in the back of my mind. This article just gave me an extra push to keep living andbe happy. Maybe I'll finish college, write a book, model, who knows I have my whole life in front of me. I just want other people to realize that suicide is just an easy exit and there may be happiness out there for them.
ReplyIf you're still considering suicide, just look down in these comments. It really does make you feel better.
ReplyIt makes you feel like you can relate to someone. Someone who won't judge you, or say you're 'overreacting'.
And even if you still want to kill yourself, just know, we're all here for you. And as long as this article stays on the internet, we'll all still be here. Supporting you.