The 7 Most Easily Escapable Movie Monsters
When victim and movie monster square off, it's not exactly a chess match. Here's seven monsters that anyone with working legs and the IQ of a well-trained Dalmatian could escape.
Samara Morgan from The Ring
How will she kill you?
In the least-straightforward manner possible. There's a whole runaround involving copying tapes and getting phone calls, but in the end she crawls out of your TV. What then? We don't really know, actually, but you end up a corpse with your color scheme inverted.
How can you win?
Well, for the observant victim, Samara's main weakness is that you know when she's going to come get you. That is, in seven days, right down to the fucking minute. One would think the obvious thing to do would be to step outside and leave the TV behind. Go camping maybe.
Since nobody seems to have tried this, we don't know if she'll wait, biting her non-nails in your cathode ray tube until the new season of Battlestar Galactica starts and you have to come back.
Also, maybe try to mess with her. Can she come out of a laptop? A video iPod? Go to a TV store and you'll probably get a Scooby Doo-esque chase scene with the two of you running in and out of screens. If all else fails, run out the clock in a sports stadium with Jumbo Vision and take a lot of innocent people with you.
The Predator from Predator
How will it kill you?
Most likely, seeing as you're fleshy and human, by poking you with a sharp stick. Failing that, it can shoot blue spheres of pure energy that look like they could be recreated in MS Paint, but will nonetheless fuck your shit up.
How can you win?
The Predator's weakness is honor. Even Schwarzenegger realized this, since he noticed it butchered everyone in the film except for the helpless woman they had taken hostage. Using this knowledge to your advantage, smear yourself with feces and crawl weeping toward it. Wrap yourself around its shin and rock back and forth, making as much mess and noise as possible. The Predator will ignore you out of sheer contempt.
Also, it seems to have a bomb built inside it somewhere, activated by pushing buttons on its wrist.
If you can wait until it's asleep and turn that thing on, all you have to do is run.
Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
How will he kill you?
Meat-tenderizing hammer! And, yes, sometimes a chainsaw.
How can you win?
Leatherface is stupid. Really, inbred-to-the-point-of-extinction stupid. Your recourse is to be smart. Not even that smart, just stop running and screaming for two fucking minutes. If you get out of his line of sight and keep your trap shut, he'll forget you exist and wander home to play with LEGOs.
Also, don't talk to anyone within 150 miles of a Leatherface encounter. Every single one of them is related to him and wants to eat your succulent young flesh. Just keep driving until you’re not in Texas any more.
The demon Pazuzu from The Exorcist
How will he kill you?
He may be the laziest of the monsters on the list. He'll probably do his evil deeds through the body of some other victim (such as a little girl) and might simply try to talk you into killing yourself. Pazuzu is evil, just not very proactive.
How can you win?
Don't listen to him. You've likely been given the advice that he'll mix lies and truth to fuck with you, the trick is to pay no attention to either. There's always the chance that your mother does suck cocks in hell, but there's not really a lot you can do about it, is there? Have a cup of tea and nod thoughtfully at each of his points, and then counter with a quote from a popular cartoon or anime series.
The demon will probably be frustrated enough to leave at this point, and if not, hey, just go somewhere else and get drunk.
We should add a disclaimer that the possessed girl will most likely die, but this article is about how you can survive.
Michael Myers from Halloween
How will he kill you?
With a big ol' knife, mostly, though once he drove his thumb directly into some guy's brain.
How can you win?
If you're being stalked by this Shatner-masked Rhodes Scholar, chances are you're young and attractive. This being the case, you're likely able to move faster than the standard Myers saunter-–the pace of a retarded glacier.
With this knowledge, maintain a brisk walking pace in an open area such as a field. With no objects to suddenly appear from behind, Myers will soon be just a tall man alone in a field, stabbing at some cows.
If he does make it into your house or similar enclosed area, call the police, but try not to make any reference to an indestructible ghost-giant killing machine. This will inevitably lead to a single skeptical officer arriving at your door, finding no evidence whatsoever, and then being killed in your presence later on, having learned a valuable lesson about trust.
NOTE: This section can also be applied to Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th.
The Thing from, you guessed it, The Thing
How will he kill you?
By mimicking a person and either fostering a culture of paranoia amongst an isolated group to the point that they turn on each other, or by suddenly growing a new mouth somewhere in its crotch region and biting your face off.
How can you win?
If you suspect one of your co-workers or loved ones is The Thing, arm yourself and follow them around for as long as it takes. Given enough time, it will either attack you, attack someone else, or turn around and yell, "YES! OK! I'M THE THING! CONGRATULATIONS! NOW, WILL YOU PLEASE LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE SO I CAN TAKE A SHIT?" At this point, set it on fire and run away.
This tactic can equally be applied to the Body Snatchers, creditors and minor inconveniences. Also, if you suspect one of your enemies is The Thing, smile! He or she died a painful death before getting taken over.
The Blair Witch from The Blair Witch Project
How she kill you?
Evidently, by making you stand in the corner, then pushing you over. This is particularly effective if you happen to be a 5-year-old with brittle bone disease.
How can you win?
You get a lot of warning. Find little stick figures in odd places? Someone making a lot of noise at night, moving your stuff around, generally being a pain in the ass? If this is happening in your home, you probably just have children, and a straightforward beating will suffice. If it occurs in the woods, it’s the Blair Witch saying "please leave the woods or you’ll force me to be mildly irritating for a while longer."
The Blair Witch is, however, old, dead and picks on children. If you are reading this distinctly adult-oriented site, you should be old enough to just punch her in the face and stroll away, possibly walking on her lawn in the process.
I think he forgot the best Michael Myers killing of all. He grabs a shot-gun, shoves it through the stereo-typical, hot, blonde, 80's cheerleader, then pulls the trigger, putting a shotgun-barrel-sized whole in the wall. Then what does he do? Pick up the impaled-on-a-shotgun hot chick, by the shotgun, and stick the barrel in the hole in the wall, making her a Modern Art f*****g MASTERPIECE! Even Picaso thought he had stile for that one.
Replyways to kill "the ring" girl.... wait till she starts crawling out of the TV then snap her neck, the police however will be more difficult to handle when they see a dead girl half-embedded into your tv with a snapped neck
ReplyAnother problem here is that the thing never made enough sense to have any idea how to get away from it; if I understand correctly from what I've seen/read, the damn thing is just like, random people at random times with no real rhyme or reason to it.
ReplyAs far as I can tell they killed the stupid thing, multiple times, including in the beginning when it was just a dog, and somehow it keeps becoming other people? Why does it keep doing that? Does it follow any god damn rules, or did the guy who created the story just kind of pick names out of a hat and go "Hey, now he's the thing!...what, that's not possible both because it's supposed to be dead and there was never a chance for this guy to get converted (or whatever the f**k it does)? I don't care! The hat says he's the thing, so he's the thing now dammit!"
I'm pretty sure more than one film critic said that about the movie version though, so I don't think I'm alone.
Also, why doesn't anyone just kind of beat the crap out of the ring girl? Or really a lot of these people? Do the monsters/bad guys just make sure to never f**k with anyone who's got, say, a shotgun or something? Has no one ever tried one-upping mike myers by bringing out a chainsaw? Or tried honorably chainsaw-dueling leatherface with one, since he doesn't seem all that good with his anyways? Sure, the movies have proven that they're neigh invincible, but it doesn't matter what level of fortitude someone has if you lop their head off.
and who knows, maybe the demon just has some severe abandonment issues and really does just need someone to talk to it. Maybe a polite sitdown and a few questions about how it really, truly feels might open it right up and get it moving a positive direction so it can escape the cycle of violence its family (Do demons have that? Maybe a lack of familial love and attention is where the problems stems from in the first place) has been caught up in for ages.
Man, have you actually watched The Thing? Because it sounds like you are basing your opinion on reading synopsis and watching clips on youtube and whatnot.
have you actually paid atention when watching the thing? or are you just retarded? it can only be killed when burned to a pile of ashes. when a peice of it is left whole it can seek out new targets and imitate their apearence.
Oh yeah... How to escape the Candyman: Don't say "Candyman" three times at a mirror.
ReplyYou're kind of wrong on the thing, remember towards the end, how it had kind of turned into a GIANT f*****g BEAST THAT HAD TO BE KILLED WITH EXPLOSIVES?
ReplyI think this article has made me laugh more than any of the others. I almost had a panic attack and I don't have asthma. I just can't the image of sitting at the side of a bed next to a possessed girl drinking some hot tea nodding politely.
ReplyBut what if Samara's video is uploaded to Youtu@!@#$#E^dsfjfdklci;zxjhdf7yao;iJkljiosdafHDIAD(R#(AUV(CUzjfldksjidouad890srf7w89pae7 y///
ReplyThen the world would be a whole lot better off without Youtube commentery
The world would finally be free of Youtube Commenters.
Avoiding TV's wouldn't stop Samara since one of Katie's friends died by jumping from the roof of a building, the other two died in a car crash, and in a deleted scene the owner of the campsite was found in a canoe in the middle of the lake. Unless if the two in the car had one of those TV's in the back, none of them died the same way Noah did at the end. The TV seems to be her weapon of choice, but she doesn't seem to be limited to it as well.
ReplyI suddenly want someone to be possessed by the demon so I can do what was said in the article...
ReplyEasily escapable movie monsters? You failed to explain how Samara is easy to escape.
Replyhe clearly advised going camping
The idea was to walk out the front door and stay away from TVs, but the problem is the movie simply wasn't clear enough about the rules. She can emerge from anything that produces an image, such as a mirror, sunglasses or water. Even if you never stopped running to eat or sleep, think of who you're dealing with; this girl burned a fatal curse onto a VHS tape from the bottom of a well and just crawled through your TV because you watched it. I think she can handle a situation where her victims are not in their living rooms at the time.
In reference to the creepy girl from the ring: another way to defeat her while also f*****g with her is to just get rid of all the tvs in your house but two, and make them face each other, so when she starts to come out of one she ends up stuck in the other and this just continues until she gets tired and decides to move on to the next dumbass to play the tape
Replyturn your tv around and nail it to a wall. problem solved
Actually, i found the best way to deal with Chucky was to tell him he didn't have a soul. He became so disgruntled by that; he left me alone, went home, and made a viral video proclaiming that he did have a soul. Amazing!
ReplyYou forgot chucky. Its a f****n doll.
Reply"Just a tall guy in a field, stabbing cows". I thought that's what most rednecks did on Friday nights?
ReplyBut most of them aren't using knives...;)
The demon in excorcist... Put your iPod on full blast!
ReplySamara doesn't need electronics to come out of. Any reflective surface works. Remember in the movie, the owner of the cabin was found in a boat in the middle of the lake. There was no TV or electronics out there yet she was still able to get him.
Reply...So, on the seventh day, spend all day in a house of mirrors. Because why not.
So on the seventh day, hit it with a brick. It's a twelve year old girl for fucks sake.
If TV series count, the weeping angels for Dr Who. Once it was revealed that whatever holds their image becomes one, all you have to do is keep looking at them while you fix a mirror in front of their eyes. They even helpfully hold their hand up for you to attach it to.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI never got why the protagonists didn't just blink one eye at a time.
Was there some reason why they all just didn't use rockhammers or something? Maybe just break off their arms and smash their mouths so you can laugh at em?
Man, f**k the Matt Smith stuff. "Whatever holds an image" my ass.
For the ring girl, just get a tiny little tv. If she can actually fit through it, you can just stomp her. This may have been suggested by the "laptop" and "ipod" idea in the article, i'm not going to scroll up and reread it to figure out if that's what he said.
ReplyI thought in The Blair Witch Project they couldn't find their way out of the forest, and that the Witch was playing with them and had trapped them there. Also, for that demon thing I would just go "I know what you are, but what am I?" over and over again until he just got annoyed enough to leave me alone.
ReplyOr nod wisely and keep asking "and how do you feel about that?" until it kills itself.
Wasn't it just that hobo who lived in the woods that was killing people? I assumed it was the hobo, but it's an actual witch now?!
Dont't f**k with the thing man, there is no escape from something that can be anything. The rest of the monsters are pretty avoidable though.
Reply