5 Movies Hollywood Needs to Stop Making Now
Elizabeth, Elizabeth I, Elizabeth: The Golden Age, The Queen Elizabeth, The Virgin Queen and The Queen. Why do we need so many movies about a representative figurehead who doesn't even do anything? If we really gave a shit about Queen Elizabeth, we wouldn't have fought and won the American Revolution. Enough already. Fuck.
How many movies do we need in which Braff plays a charmingly conflicted 20-something trying to figure out "what it all means" by staring sullenly at us from artful camera shots until he meets a girl who's vaguely "different" because she does wacky spontaneous stuff like yelling into canyons in the rain, all set to a soundtrack of last year's mainstream indie rock, which Braff clearly thinks is "edgy" despite the fact this life-changing music can probably also be found in a Toyota commercial?
These make me laugh so hard I become physically uncomfortable and if they do another-say, one in which Marlon pretends to be a hippopotamus in order to get a cheap land deal on the local zoo-I think my sternum might rip open, as it would be unable to contain the tidal waves of laughter surging from deep within my belly.
Do you know what would happen in the real world if Antonio Banderas rolled up on the Bronx's problem-child mafia and tried to "make a connection" by teaching them how to salsa dance? They'd rip off his fruity little dancing shoes and use them to violently break his legs.
So Ray Romano is a squirrel who has to get a bag of nuts across Mean Old Farmer Frank's wheat field so his family can eat for the winter, and he only has Ollie the Ellen DeGeneres-sounding Turtle to help him get there and they have adventures and there are hijinks and light adult humor and they form unlikely friendships and who gives a fuck? It's no wonder kids are getting dumber.
This 2006 article layout is seriously bothering me.
ReplyBefore I even read the article, can I suggest one of my own? Movies starring Sarah Jessica Parker
ReplyWas that in there?
Don't think you can ban movies about animated animals/insects, they're kind of the basis of the children's film industry. What I think you mean is _shitty_ movies about animated animals/insects. There's nothing wrong with it as a premise (Finding Nemo? The Lion King?) only when it's taken as the easy road by lazy film makers. In that way it's just like any other genre.
ReplyThe Wayans brothers movies on the other hand are a sign Hollywood doesn't deserve to make films *at all*.
"Movies about animated animals, insects or any other creatures that can't actually talk."
ReplyHey, not fair. That's a super broad concept that can be taken in any direction.
Pot comedies - Cheech and Chong did it better. And Michael Cera and Seth Rogen should be banished until they pay something different than their usual.
ReplyI dont care about the fluffed animals movies. just DONT MAKE MOVIES THAT ARE ON THE TOP 4 HERE!
ReplyMost of those movies about teachers are based on ... REAL TEACHERS. Including the one that stars Antonio Banderas. And um, Queen Elizabeth I wasn't a figurehead. She was a real queen. She had as much power as any king EVER had. She also kept England out of REAL war for almost 60 years.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesA queen is a figurehead, ass.
I don't think she(he?) knows what she's(he's?) talking about
you are BOTH wrong.
fig·ure·head (fgyr-hd)
n.
1. A carved figure on the prow of a ship.
2. (Transport / Nautical Terms) a carved bust or full-length figure at the upper end of the stems of some sailing vessels.
what we need is a gritty reboot whereby a group of poor inner city thugs are taught responsibility through the universal language of sailing metaphors. that is the whole point of this article. duh.
i think scrubs is a pretty cool guy, eh saves patients lives and doesnt afraid of janitor man
ReplyHe does afraid of janitor man though
White Scrubs can do no wrong in my eyes.
Reply"Movies in which an idealistic teacher must use unconventional methods (such as dancing, rapping or wearing leather jackets)..."
ReplyI read this as *raping* and thought, "That's not that unconventional of a way to get people to do your bidding, is it?"
Oh, you charmer
so, basically .. we already have all the formula movies we need. We don't want any more regurgitations of the ones we already have.
ReplyOnly original efforts are permitted from now on. That should reduce total hollywood output to about 3 / year.
That's more movies than I have the time or the will to watch, anyway.
Or maybe they could start making more of the Awesome books that are out there.
How about movies with horrible comedy that includes monkeys? Or any type of ape?
Reply"The sleeping person mistook the monkey in the bed for another person! So humorous!" What is this, the 19th century?
movies they need to stop making: anything with ashton kutcher.
ReplyThat reminds me of when my father and I were watching the butterfly effect with my sister. "Look how much better the world is now that Ashton Kutcher is a crippled." "Look how much happier everyone is now that Ashton Kutcher aborted himself."
Ah we pissed my sister off so much.Wonder how easy it would be to make fun of Slingblade, she seems to like that movie a lot.
what about a movie in which zach braff and the ghost of queen elizabeth lend their voices to a pair of CGI-animated wayans brothers pretending to be teachers so they can get a discount at leather jackets r' us?
ReplyYou meant "hare brained".
ReplyWow, it's 2012 and they're still doing these. They didn't listen man.
Reply1 Movie Hollywood Needs to Stop Making (by Rymdpandan)
Reply1): Anything made for a different target group than my own.
This is the kind of smug post that makes me want to break the fingers of the person who wrote it
The last line of the article killed me! Good work
ReplyThank you for making this.
ReplyThis article reads like an angry drunk spells.
Reply