5 Movies Hollywood Needs to Stop Making Now
Elizabeth, Elizabeth I, Elizabeth: The Golden Age, The Queen Elizabeth, The Virgin Queen and The Queen. Why do we need so many movies about a representative figurehead who doesn't even do anything? If we really gave a shit about Queen Elizabeth, we wouldn't have fought and won the American Revolution. Enough already. Fuck.
How many movies do we need in which Braff plays a charmingly conflicted 20-something trying to figure out "what it all means" by staring sullenly at us from artful camera shots until he meets a girl who's vaguely "different" because she does wacky spontaneous stuff like yelling into canyons in the rain, all set to a soundtrack of last year's mainstream indie rock, which Braff clearly thinks is "edgy" despite the fact this life-changing music can probably also be found in a Toyota commercial?
These make me laugh so hard I become physically uncomfortable and if they do another-say, one in which Marlon pretends to be a hippopotamus in order to get a cheap land deal on the local zoo-I think my sternum might rip open, as it would be unable to contain the tidal waves of laughter surging from deep within my belly.
Do you know what would happen in the real world if Antonio Banderas rolled up on the Bronx's problem-child mafia and tried to "make a connection" by teaching them how to salsa dance? They'd rip off his fruity little dancing shoes and use them to violently break his legs.
So Ray Romano is a squirrel who has to get a bag of nuts across Mean Old Farmer Frank's wheat field so his family can eat for the winter, and he only has Ollie the Ellen DeGeneres-sounding Turtle to help him get there and they have adventures and there are hijinks and light adult humor and they form unlikely friendships and who gives a fuck? It's no wonder kids are getting dumber.
Okay, #5 was just uncalled for. Do you just hate happiness?
ReplyIf you met my Skyrim character, you would think pain was your new ecstasy and gladly put hot brimstone on your genitals to cool them off in the summer.
You forgot any movie in which Angelina Jolie puts on a fake British accent.
ReplyOk, good start. So where's the final draft of this article?
ReplyI guess a 'saga' counts as just one movie now, since out of the whopping 3 or 4 he's been in, and only 2 when this was written, Garden State was the only one fitting that criteria.
ReplyThe Last Kiss had nothing to do with anything mentioned, at least with Braff's character (the center point of the movie). And even then it did poorly in theaters, mainly because it was marketed as a romantic comedy or date movie, when in reality it was about relationships and why people cheat. Which is kind of the anti-date movie.
While valid points, this wasn't an article. This was a Comment with pictures.
Reply6: Any Jack Black vehicle.
Replyf**k yeah man, why do people still pay money to see him? I'd give him my life savings ($3.47!) if he would go away and never ever come back.
That last one makes you look like you hate fun.
ReplyThe older articles on this site aren't that good.
ReplyIt's amazing this site got popular. Read the top columnists' early entries and you'll understand.
In my opinion the two kinds of movie that no one should ever be allowed to make again are the movie where the "lovable loser" gets the insanely hot chick (if the whole message is supposed to be that it's not good to be shallow, then why is the first thing the "hero" notices about the girl always her looks? and why is it never about a guy falling in love with a less than stunning girls because he sees HER inner beauty? The real message seems to be that men can be beautiful on the inside, but women can't so they have to be beautiful on the outside or they have no right to expect anyone to ever love them) and the movie in which a female lead has too chose between a rich guy and a poor guy and (surprise, surprise!) she picks the poor guy (I get that the message is supposed to be that money shouldn't be a factor in romantic relationships, but if it's not a factor at all, then it should be just as possible for her to fall for the rich guy.)
ReplyI wish I had ten thumbs instead of just fingers, simply so I could put them all up for you.
THANK YOU. Especially in regards to the first one you mentioned.
not really funny, or well-written
ReplyMovie that should also not have been made: Immortals. I can ignore that you ignored every piece of mythology available to you. I just can't ignore that your writers apparently cockslapped their keyboards to produce dialogue... and never edited it.
Replydooder, this article was written in 2006... calm down.
You just knocked out about half the genres out there you shriveled prick. Clearly you cant watch a movie without trying to take it seriously to the point where everyone in the theatre wants to kick your wise ass for being a condescending jackass.
Replythe antonio banderez movie is based on true events d*****t
Replygarden state is a great movie f**k you.
ReplyUhm ... this article bores me. And Queen Elizabeth I wasn't a f*****g figure-head. She kicked so much ass, politically speaking, and earned the love and respect of her country.
ReplyNot to mention, was not in power when we won the American Revolution.
um. That Antonio Banderas story was based on a true story of a real teacher who started a ballroom dancing club and managed to make a small but significant difference in the lives of several real people. A club which has now expanded to several more school districts and is actually having a real impact.
ReplyPlease forgive me, but this is a bad article.
ReplyAgreed. I also thought it was very poorly written.
I was with you until number four. One can not simply "rip any fruity little anything" off of the Banderas without "dying a fruity little death."
Replyi also thought it was funny as hell, quick to the point and deliciously clever
Replyyou're in danger of becoming a cynical douche, however all points are valid (and yes, i'm stealing the idea of cynical douche from south park)
Reply