The Top Ten '80s Robots (We Expected to Exist By Now)
We were promised robots. Crazy electronic sidekick or death-dealing automaton of doom, we didn't care, as long as the future shaped up to be the awesome electronic robo-battle we'd dreamed of as children. Flash forward 20 years and all we have are sorry, non-robotic pieces of supposedly innovative crap, such as "hybrid cars," "iPods," and "hope for the AIDs vaccine." Consider the below list a sort of report card, so modern scientists can see exactly how far they are from fulfilling the promises of our childhood.
10.
Johnny Five (Short Circuit)
Sure,
he might be a little obnoxious, not to mention he has the dubious honor
of sharing a marquee with 1980s staple Steve Gutenberg. But he scores
points for looking like a robot that could actually, you know, "exist."
Also, when he gets angry, his eyes go "destruction red" and
he blows stuff up with a laser. Which is classic robot!
Lacking, Present Day Equivalent: Nintendo Wii
Good First Steps: Entertaining, good with people, rumored to malfunction and cause property damage without warning.
Lacks: Annoying Jackie Gleason impressions. On second thought"¦
9.
Lisa (Weird Science)
To
this day, we're not sure exactly what the hell Kelly LeBrock'
character was supposed to be in this film, but we're pretty sure
computers were involved, making her at least quasi-robotic. And since
it' a general rule at CRACKED to include at least one entry in
every top ten list that we'd like to have sex with (see number
19 on "The 20 Worst Cover Songs in Pop Music History")
we're including her.
Lacking, Modern Day Equivalent: Kate Beckinsale
Good First Steps: British accent, looks good in leather.
Lacks: Has yet to exit our closet in a cloud of fog and, through a series of wacky adventures, help us come of age.
8.
ED-209 (RoboCop)
Forget
that whiny, morally conflicted do-gooder hero (who was really more of
a man in a robot suit anyways), this big guy was the real star of the
show. Save for some minor weaknesses ("stairs"), he'
our pick in a fight any day.
Lacking, Present Day Equivalent: American Foreign Policy
Good First Steps: Destructive tendencies, suspicious disregard for civil rights.
Lacks: Shiny chassis, dual machine guns, voice that sounds like it was put through Macaulay Caulkin' tape recorder thing from Home Alone 2.
7.
KITT (Knight Rider)
Take
Mr. Bevledere, add a splash of Stephen King' Christine,
a shot of one of the guys from The A Team and two shots of some exceedingly
strange man/car sexual tension, and you've got one of the most mysterious
robots of all time. It' a little known fact that KITT was not actually
a special effect, but a fully functional robotic car. However, to protect
the secret of the car' existence, Hasselhoff rounded up entire
cast and crew of Knight Rider along with their families, and killed them
with his bare hands.
Lacking, Present Day Equivalent: Hybrid cars.
Good first steps: Being really high-tech and a car, general air of prissiness.
Lacks: Ability to not explode at speeds of over 35mph.
6.
Data (Star Trek: The Next Generation)
He'
super strong, fast, and smart, in a pretty standard, robot-y way, but
what' endearing is that he really just wants to be one of the guys.
Also, he does this thing where he uses the computer by moving his hands
really, really fast, which is pretty cool.
Lacking, Present Day Equivalent: Wikipedia
Good First Steps: Instant access to a universe of knowledge, generically good intentions.
Lacks: Fast hand trick, suspiciously accurate comedic timing, jaundice.
R2D2 got sass
Reply#2: Your parents are crying into your Liberal Arts degree because you said, "deux," instead of, "deus."
ReplyFrom Knight Rider: KARR. Much more awesome than KITT. And voiced by Peter Cullen.
ReplyFor the closest thing we have to Johnny 5: R.O.B. from Smash Bros: Brawl. The differences: his lasers come from his eyes, he has jets instead of tracks, and he lacks a voice.
#8 its called a talk back.
ReplyIf you've ever Dreamed about having a ROBOT SEX SLAVE, there are TWO episodes of THE OUTER LIMITS on HULU you need to watch RIGHT NOW. VALERIE 23 and MARY 25. Both episodes are so good you'll end up jacking off before the first half hour is up.
ReplyI'd love to trade my wife in for a sex robot GYNOID cause then, I wouldn't have to TALK while I'm trying to relax and sleep and I wouldn't have to deal with STUPID f**kING in-laws or other typical BULLs**t.
REPLICANTS ARE NOT f**kING ROBOTS! Every letter on their DNA is preselected. It's genetics. >:-(
ReplyDid anyone else notice all of the formatting errors in this article? I mean it was written well enough, but he kept flip-flopping from "lacks" to "needs improvement" and "modern-day equivalent" to "present-day equivalent." There may have been more editorial errors, too, but I don't feel like going back to the first page and re-reading everything. Ever since they switched the website layout I've been noticing errors like this more and more.
ReplyI think Henry Kissinger is a better modern day Terminator, if only for the accent and the fact that his foreign policies has similar world changing effects.
Replythis is the second article in which lisa from wierd science has been called a robot, i never saw her as such. i never really thought about what she was, but robot never really came to mind. I mean she is more like a computer generated genie.
ReplyIndeed. Neither Lisa, nor the replicansts are robots. They're artificially created life forms. In the case of Lisa, it's got something to do with magic. In the case of the replicants, it's genetic engeneering. That's like saying that genetically modified corn, or lab rats that glow in the dark are robots.
Peters 007 stalking cracked columnists since 1959
ReplyWhich one was it, episode 3 I think? Where the hell did R2 get those damn jets attached to his legs?!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesSame place he got the lightsaber-launching mechanism, the shocker, the radar dish and the retractable eye\camera thingy.
Shame he still can't get up on his own, though.
I think you're mistaken. George Lucas and Steven Spielberg were both crushed by a giant boulder on the set of the unreleased Indiana Jones movie they were working on in the early nineties.
Au contraire! The lightsaber launching mechanism is from episode 6, Return of the jedi where Luke saves everyone at the Sarlac pitt.
Version of robot sure is creepy.
ReplyBleach Shippuuden
snickers at baronzemo's comment.
Replyaww look at the last two commentators. so cute both being fans of the joker.
Replywikepedia is not the modern day version of data, that creepy japenese robot is.
ReplySHAZAM!!!
ReplyRandom Fact:
ReplyEarly superheroes, rather than having clearly defined powers, were often just a way for lazy writers to practice deus ex machina
But not in a sequential set of sextilogies.
But the Doctor loves K-9, and the Master's dead anyway.
ReplySuddenly I feel rage against my non-funny roommate who leaves the seat up. exactly I don't know the fact. But I still like to show my own opinions about any news. That's why I got to make my friends on a site called pubspa. Also I shared many interesting videos, good music, nice games there.
Replywhat? do you speak english as a second language? because that is the only excuse for this post
and they left out the mechaincal shark from one of the jaws movie
ReplyThat's because the shark bot wasn't playing a machine. It was a machine playing a real shark.