We have to admit, the huge success of The Simpsons movie leaves us conflicted. We liked the movie, but hate the fact that its box office has guaranteed about 150 more slap-together TV show remakes over the next few years. We don't need to remind you of the track record these movies have "¦ but we're going to anyway.
Here' the worst of the worst:
The Dukes of Hazzard remake is the manual our descendants will consult when they want to understand how to utterly destroy a treasured memory. It's hard to pity an inanimate object, but after 90 minutes of this painful "comedy" you start planning ways to rescue the General Lee. Plus, a movie that makes the experience of watching Jessica Simpson in denim cut-offs anything other than awesome is doing something terribly wrong. You can't blame Simpson for being a terrible actress; she reacts the way any modern 'starlet' does when faced with something she can't do: by taking off her clothes and soaping herself with sudsy water. It' as if Simpson believes the mere sight of titties will distract the male mind from any criticism and focus purely on the titties instead, which is a titties titties of titties. Titties titties, titties, titties. Titties, titties, titties.The Alleged Improvement: Johnny Knoxville
Charlie' Angels: Full Throttle single-handedly saves the first Charlie' Angels film from appearing on this list, by virtue of being a horrendous sequel to an awful remake of a terrible '70s TV show. The original TV show survived in the dark days before the Internet when men were prepared to sit through 30 minutes of lame karate chops because the leading ladies thought 'bra' was just something frat boys call each other. These days you can't get through a shampoo commercial without at least side boob. And with the Internet, you can choose four pornographic words at random and find a site dedicated explicitly to that, and also that with goats. Like the rare Betamax-eating Dodo, the ecological niche of this show has disappeared.Alleged Improvement: Cameron Diaz! Lucy Liu! Drew Barrymore!
PS: If you ever replace Bill Murray with Bernie Mac, you'd better be doing some kind of Schindler' List thing where you're saving good comedians in a dark, totalitarian comic-killing future. No offense to fans of "Man-that-guy-talks-in-a-funny-way!" humor, but damn, that shit is whack.
Pretty simple, really. You have an actor, Will Ferrell, starring in a movie adaptation of a TV show, in which he plays an actor, who in the movie is set to star in a TV adaptation of the same TV show the movie is an adaptation of. There are so many levels of meta here we're surprised that half way through the movie they didn't replace Will Ferrell with Will Arnett.
We'll never know how many writers or rewrites that script went through before they arrived at this one. We're going to guess it happened after about the 25th revision, at about three in the morning, right after the writer had a nervous breakdown. Maybe this script is what he did instead of climbing up in a tower with a rifle.Alleged Improvement: Academy Award-winning actress Nicole Kidman
On paper, you could go in a couple of different directions with a Miami Vice movie and come out the other end with a decent flick. In the spirit of the Brady Bunch Movie, you could celebrate the dated kitschy-ness that embodied the original TV counterpart and make a pretty funny movie that puts Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx in dangerously bright Armani jackets. Conversely, you could take already established characters and make a fairly decent buddy-cop, action flick. Going in a third direction, you could be Michael Mann and shit all over the iconic TV show that you, yourself, created by sticking two, ego-driven superstars with no business appearing in a film together and top it off with your interesting-to-no-one-but-you style of dark, in-your-face filmmaking.Alleged Improvement: Adding grit
Transformers are giant kickass robots that fight and blow up things, then transform into awesome vehicles that also fight and blow up things. The 1986 animated movie makes up a fair fraction of the soul of everyone who was a boy at the time. It takes hard work to screw up that concept, but as Street Fighter and House of the Dead have proven, some directors are prepared to work extremely hard when their Dark Lord, Who Is Satan commands them. Watching Optimus Prime prancing around the house for a nerd who can't command a chihuahua with a broken leg? It's like watching your dad get beaten up at a softball game. We're not saying Michael Bay turned the '80s icons of awesomeness into a bunch of retarded, grunting dumbasses out for cheap laughs but, well, there was that one scene where Bumblebee pissed on a guy so we guess we are saying that.
Sure, the movie made a billion dollars at the box office. The commercials were awesome, and how were we supposed to know it was bad if we didn't actually go see it? Twice?Alleged Improvement: Focusing on puny humans instead of the giant incredible wondrous Robots in Disguise.