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5Crispin Glover on Letterman



Date: July 28, 1987
Evidence: The first symptom is the wig. We're not sure what George McFly's hair looked like prior to this interview, but we're pretty certain it didn't look like that. Then there's the clothing. He's dressed in striped pants, a heinous purple shirt and a pair of black platform shoes that don't appear to fit him. Keep in mind that this is '87, not the early '70s. If you're wearing what Crispin Glover is wearing during this interview, then you've clearly been high long enough to have gone shoe shopping while fucked up.
As far as behavioral symptoms, we're not really sure how to describe what Glover is doing here. At first he seems to be terrified of Dave and the audience, but then he challenges Letterman to an arm wrestling match and tries to jump-kick him in the head.
Drug(s) They Were Probably On: Difficult to tell. At first it seems like a classic acid freak-out. He is looking at Dave like he has three heads and the audience like they're a big tangled lizard orgy. But then he starts getting physically aggressive. Our theory: a second drug along the lines of PCP, taken right before he went out, kicked in halfway through the interview.

4James Brown on Sonya


Year: 1987
Evidence: His sobriety can be brought into question right off the bat when he answers one of her questions with, "living in America!" When pop stars sing choruses from their own songs completely out of context, they might as well be wearing a sombrero with the words "I'm high" written on it. Exhibit B: the sunglasses. We remember seeing our friend's strung-out uncle wearing a similar pair at high school graduation.
Drug(s) They Were Probably On: PCP, rat poison and wheat grass. And some speed thrown in for measure. Also: pot, percocet, Robitussin and generic uppers. Alcohol? Sure, why not.

3Studio Audience on America' Funniest Home Videos


Years: 1989-Present
Symptoms: What the fuck about people falling down, and Bob Saggot doing high pitched baby and cat voices is so goddamn funny? While the laughter that they play over the various clips of Americans getting hit in the nuts is always insanely loud, the ultimate treat comes when they actually show the assholes in the studio, writhing around, barely hanging on to their last strand of sanity.
In this clip, everyone screams with laughter when a Porta John falls over, and then their goddamn heads practically explode when it' revealed that (gasp) there's actually a construction worker in the Porta John. What'd they think they were going to see?
But the real joy of this clip comes in the last two seconds, when the camera cuts back to audience member Johnny Rico, dressed up in a suit for his big day at America's Funniest Home Videos, and nearly having an epileptic seizure. If they weren't pumping that place full of drugs like it was Studio 54, we have lost our faith in man' capacity for survival.
Drug(s) They Were Probably On: Some sort of laughing gas/cocaine mixture

2Kinski Paganini

Year: 1989
Evidence: As anyone whose seen those old Hitler speeches will tell you, Germans look pretty angry when they speak, and as this video proves, they even look angry when speaking French. We're guessing Germany is a pretty stressful place to grow up, which might explain why they wear all black and listen to terrifying techno music. Still, there' really no excuse for Klaus' behavior in this interview. Sure we'd be pissed if we were named Klaus, but we'd suspect that we'd be over it by the time we hit 30. We're not sure exactly what he's saying here. For all we know this is how German's say, "Good morning! Would you please hand me my mittens, kind sir." However, if that' the case, Germany has a large scale drug problem.
Drug(s) They Were Probably On: A cocktail of various amphetamines. Also, dark chocolate bon-bons. Oh, and the Germanic tongue.

1Richard Pryor in a Televised Interview on the Set of Stir Crazy


Date: 1980
Evidence: Around 6:29, he launches into a vigorous fit of mock masturbation which, when conducted on national TV, is a pretty good indicator that you're out of your fucking gourd. Pryor also says a few things that might suggest he's on drugs, such as: "I didn't get caught yesterday buying seven pounds of cocaine in front of eight policemen."
Yes, and it appears that you didn't get caught smoking all seven pounds right before this interview.
Drug(s) They Were Probably On: Hard to tell, but we're guessing cocaine.
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