The 10 Gayest Super Bowl Halftime Performances

On Super Sunday, football fans' favorite take-no-prisoners artist will perform at halftime, musically expressing the patriotic sentiment captured by the NFL's biggest game. Get ready to rock the fuck out with"¦ Prince? What the shit? Not that there's anything wrong with Prince, per se, and there's certainly nothing wrong with homosexuals. But there IS something wrong with so badly misunderstanding your target demographic. After all, would poodle enthusiasts want Slayer to open up the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show? The sensual boy-man is just the latest in a string of terrible bookings by the powers that be in the NFL. Join us on a journey through the most horribly miscast performers of Super Bowls past.

"Sting is the perfect choice for this testosterone charged media event. I mean, 'sting' is what happens to you if you touch a bee, which hurts. Umm, and 'The Police' is a pretty intimidating name too. Black people are scared of the police."

The only thing that gets fans less fired up than watching a 125-pound British guy sing about fields of gold is watching a 125-pound British guy with one name sing about fields of gold. That, and "Roxanne."

"Hey, he's the guy with the song about the 'air tonight,' right? Isn't that about letting someone die or something? That sounds kind of cool. People like cool."

Hey, he's the guy who brought us soft-pop shitbombs like 'Sussudio' and recently penned the soundtrack to the decade's most mind-numbingly stupid children's film, Brother Bear, right?

"Say, Goodman really looks like your average football fan: he's fat, whiskery and eats food like Tony Montana does coke. Those slobs will love him."

Goodman performed as part of the new Blues Brothers, which specializes in pissing on the grave of the late, beloved John Belushi. If there's one thing those slobs don't like, it's Dan from Rosanne dishonoring Bluto from Animal House.

"Let's really go after that Latino demographic this year. Those bastards will run the country pretty soon, and they're money's as green as ours is."

Latinos find Enrique Iglesias as effeminately annoying as all other races do. Hell, maybe even more so. But, in a way, that unified hate brought people together. And isn't that what football's all about?

"The Pointer Sisters are all either in rehab or having hip surgery, but we still want to target the apathetically disinterested demographic this year."

If there's one thing that people from Dallas and Pittsburgh have in common, it's that they'd rather get shot in the kneecap with a crossbow than listen to "Endless Love" between halves.