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Home > Movies & TV > Cobra Commander's Dating Tips

Cobra Commander's Dating Tips

By Darren Kane April 27, 2006 43,726 views
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Greetingsssssss, cretinssssssss. Spring is upon us, and love is in the air! In response to recent allegations that my "snake isn't straight," I'm stepping away from my world domination plans to prove once and for all that Cobra Commander is 100% stud. The following social advisement is my first and final gift to you, aside from allowing you to live under my future rule. Also, as recommended by my publicist, I will temporarily dispense with my theatrical sssssserpent lissssssp, for ease of audibility.


DATA COLLECTION

When asking a female for her digits, have a B.A.T. (Battle Android Trooper) with you to digitally record her phone number, and holographically image her face.

If said phone number turns out to be erroneous, assign Storm Shadow to assassinate her. If said phone number turns out to be correct, assign Storm Shadow to assassinate her, but after you bang her.



TRANSPORTATION PROTOCOL

When picking up a date, it' unnecessary to arrive with a battalion of H.I.S.S. tanks.

Arriving alone in your own personalized H.I.S.S. tank is perfectly acceptable.





ATTIRE

If going to a more formal venue that requires tickets or reservations, make sure to wear your explosive laced helmet, and accessorize with a pink cape and solid gold cane.


For a more casual activity, such as bowling, wearing your blue hood is perfectly fine.


In a crunch, the above mentioned blue hood can be worked into a birth control device. It simply requires some patch fabric and a sewing kit. Always bring with you some patch fabric and a sewing kit.

BEWARE

The Baroness is a slut, and always has been.

Not really a dating tip, more of an F.Y.I.

ORDER OF BATTLE: N3D

Always learn from your past mistakes. N3D -- Never Double-Date with Destro.

"Nice work, asswipe. They left...again."

"...uh..."

"HA HA HA HA! DESTRO CARES NOT! PASS THE GRAVY!"


HAVE AN ESCAPE PLAN

Though highly inconceivable, in the event that a date isn't going well, a Cobra F.A.N.G. gyrocopter provides a convenient escape. So does a hand grenade.


SEALING THE DEAL

When you bring a date back to your secret mountain-top lair, direct her right to your battle-arena of death.


If for some reason your date survives the battle-arena of death, simply throw her into the 20,000 foot ravine.

If she survives THAT, marry her.


SHE'S A KEEPER

If a girl refuses to go out with you for a second date, abduct her using the M.A.S.S. device. This can be done from the other side of the planet. The M.A.S.S. device is like, really boss. Destro is a pain in the ass, but I've got to give him props on that one.


KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES

Never bang Roadblock' sister.



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8 Comments

I always knee there was a reason the Commander wore a cape and carried a pimp-cane

10/14/2009 5:12:50 PM
2wingo

cobra commander is a butt puncher. how else can you explain that faggy pink cape?

8/9/2009 4:00:27 AM
stupiddoughnut

how did cobra commander manage to take a bite of that chicken leg through his battle mask?

6/5/2009 2:07:57 PM
aczechguy

nice.
especially the part about making her survive the battle arena of death and the 20,000 foot ravine drop.

12/15/2008 3:48:15 PM
guyverx

A+ article,what about scrap irons tips?

11/19/2008 7:30:45 AM
Kumiho

I can personally attest to the good Commander's observation on the baroness's sluttiness,in Fall of '84 or '85, after only a couple of overpriced brews at Max,s Kansas City, I had her on her knees, barking like a Pomeranian...

10/28/2007 7:38:20 PM
gijock

Storm Shadow is my personal favorite.

10/19/2007 10:41:54 PM
dustermaker

Cobra Commander is the man.

10/16/2007 11:33:00 AM
mightyadam

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