Cobra Commander's Dating Tips
Greetingsssssss, cretinssssssss. Spring is upon us, and love is in the air! In response to recent allegations that my "snake isn't straight," I'm stepping away from my world domination plans to prove once and for all that Cobra Commander is 100% stud. The following social advisement is my first and final gift to you, aside from allowing you to live under my future rule. Also, as recommended by my publicist, I will temporarily dispense with my theatrical sssssserpent lissssssp, for ease of audibility. 
DATA COLLECTION
When asking a female for her digits, have a B.A.T. (Battle Android Trooper) with you to digitally record her phone number, and holographically image her face.If said phone number turns out to be erroneous, assign Storm Shadow to assassinate her. If said phone number turns out to be correct, assign Storm Shadow to assassinate her, but after you bang her.
TRANSPORTATION PROTOCOL
When picking up a date, it' unnecessary to arrive with a battalion of H.I.S.S. tanks.Arriving alone in your own personalized H.I.S.S. tank is perfectly acceptable.
ATTIRE
If going to a more formal venue that requires tickets or reservations, make sure to wear your explosive laced helmet, and accessorize with a pink cape and solid gold cane.
For a more casual activity, such as bowling, wearing your blue hood is perfectly fine.
In a crunch, the above mentioned blue hood can be worked into a birth control device. It simply requires some patch fabric and a sewing kit. Always bring with you some patch fabric and a sewing kit.
BEWARE
The Baroness is a slut, and always has been.
Not really a dating tip, more of an F.Y.I.
ORDER OF BATTLE: N3D
Always learn from your past mistakes. N3D -- Never Double-Date with Destro.
"Nice work, asswipe. They left...again."
"...uh..."
"HA HA HA HA! DESTRO CARES NOT! PASS THE GRAVY!"
HAVE AN ESCAPE PLAN
Though highly inconceivable, in the event that a date isn't going well, a Cobra F.A.N.G. gyrocopter provides a convenient escape. So does a hand grenade.
SEALING THE DEAL
When you bring a date back to your secret mountain-top lair, direct her right to your battle-arena of death.
If for some reason your date survives the battle-arena of death, simply throw her into the 20,000 foot ravine.
If she survives THAT, marry her.
SHE'S A KEEPER
If a girl refuses to go out with you for a second date, abduct her using the M.A.S.S. device. This can be done from the other side of the planet. The M.A.S.S. device is like, really boss. Destro is a pain in the ass, but I've got to give him props on that one.
KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES
Never bang Roadblock' sister.
Are these dating tips?I am still wondering!!
ReplyI always knee there was a reason the Commander wore a cape and carried a pimp-cane
Replycobra commander is a butt puncher. how else can you explain that faggy pink cape?
Replyhow did cobra commander manage to take a bite of that chicken leg through his battle mask?
ReplyI was wondering the same thing.
You probably couldn't pull off the pink cape, either. That's why he's the f**king Cobra Commander.
nice.
Replyespecially the part about making her survive the battle arena of death and the 20,000 foot ravine drop.
A+ article,what about scrap irons tips?
ReplyI can personally attest to the good Commander's observation on the baroness's sluttiness,in Fall of '84 or '85, after only a couple of overpriced brews at Max,s Kansas City, I had her on her knees, barking like a Pomeranian...
ReplyThat's true, I was there. What gijock doesn't mention, though, is that she was already barking like a dog when she walked through the door. He was the only one in the bar that had to get her drunk before she would bang him, though.
Cobra Commander is the man.
ReplyHe's the God Damned Batman!