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5 Things Hollywood Thinks Computers Can Do

By CRACKED Staff September 13, 2007 2,324,071 views
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#1.
Computers Can Talk to Goddamned UFOs

Worst Offender: Independence Day

What Happened:
The Earth is under attack by a race of vastly advanced aliens, so Jeff Goldblum creates a virus from his PowerBook that disables the entire apparently Macintosh-compatible fleet of ships.

Why It's Ridiculous:
This is difficult to wrap our minds around. The aliens in Independence Day were not only thousands of years ahead of us technologically, but also were an entirely different species. Therefore, Goldblum's feat was the equivalent of colony of baboons in the Congo hacking into CitiBank using tree bark and clumps of their own feces.

Yes, we know it's just a big, fun sci-fi rollercoaster ride. Yes, we're willing to turn our brains off-they're in that state through most of our workweek anyway. But meet us half way, Hollywood. Write it so that, say, the guys at Area 51 had taken one of the alien's computers off the Roswell ship and reverse-engineered it over the decades. Or, something. Work with us, here.

But of course, there is exactly one reason why the aliens were defeated by a PowerBook in Independence Day: because Apple paid for it as part of the product placement. Yes, my friends, the entire plot culminated in an advertisement, and one you paid to see.

In real life…
That new Mac operating system that's coming out? Goldblum' PowerBook 5300 had about one-tenth the memory needed to run it. So, forget uplinking to an alien freaking starship; if he simply tried to run a piece of software from the same damned manufacturer from just 10 years in the future, the result would look something like this:



For the record, the whole problem with the Independence Day "haXx0rin a1i3Nz!1" is dealt with in a deleted scene which may or may not have actually been filmed. In the scene, Commander Data says that the entire technical revolution of modern man was solely from reverse-engineering the alien spaceship. Therefore, our modern technology was able to interface with their technology because we based in all on their technology! See? And considering how small your typical virus program is, the old MacBook would be fine for the job. And as the alien network was a closed system, they had no need for anti-virus software. Plus, the virus infected their own ship first, which transfered when the ship hooked into their network, thus going through the back door to the system (like that one idiot secretary who got everyone in the office the ILoveYou virus because she wanted to see the picture of the cute puppy and disregarded all the warnings).

That still doesn't explain why the mothership of a intergalactic fleet of warships didn't bother putting WEP on up their wireless network or why the aliens seemed to completely forget about the concept of "armor" on their vehicles once they developed the neato shield technology, but hey.

10/11/2009 10:23:15 PM
Abstruse

The trouble with Independence day as an advert for Apple is that the Aliens are defeated by a virus - This from the company that claims its OSes are virus-proof...

10/7/2009 6:04:10 AM
DHeadshot

About Indepedence, I agree with the conclusion, but not the logic. There is an article that talks about badass dogs.
http://www.cracked.com/article/133_7-dogs-that-accomplished-more-than-we-ever-will/
The first on that list can use a bloody atm. Given that he doesn't even have thumbs, that baboon analogy can take a jump in a car compactor.

There are two problems I see. Figuring out the network protocols, which Goldblum did before the aliens killed everyone, because you know, he was a cableman. And actual making an effective virus against their Alien version of Norton. Sure they had a fighter from the 50's to test it on. But, you can't go a week without having to update your anti-virus. Try keeping a computer for 50 years, turn it on and see how long it lasts on the net before the net itself eats it. The only way I can see them not being able to stop the virus is because they won't know what what the code built by baboons with mub and bark would look like. And even still, they probably would catch it anyway.

9/28/2009 3:44:37 AM
Negdaen

To be fair, the computer in WarGames didnt become self-aware. It just became stuck on the command given. Which was to play the nuclear war game. Thats why the whole bullshit tic tac toe ending that saves the day happens.

9/25/2009 9:11:29 AM
Kagim

"In the real world, a computer geek who was female and looked like Bullock ...
... would have approximately 375 male "friends" orbiting around her on a daily basis..."

You forgot to mention she'd have about that many internet white-knights trying to "save" her tarnished myspace/reputation at the same time. =P

9/24/2009 6:03:01 PM
gamer025

@KillerL1ama
"How about magically increasing a pictures resolution?

"I need to see what the bad guy looks like."
"Here's a picture from a traffic cam...let me just run it through this program. It might take a minute... ...there!""

That can actually be done. It's called super-resolution.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super-resolution

9/22/2009 10:21:36 PM
DarkQuietus

as it seems from the photo the aliens in indipendance day where also the creators of the matrix, not only are we all doomed to die in a firey explosion like that of the whitehouse, whoever is still alive after the inevitable apocalypse will be subject to a computer world of false reality.

9/21/2009 6:57:38 AM
hjakal454

I am surprised they didn't mention Wierd Science... that s**t was ridiculous.

9/19/2009 11:58:27 AM
HundeDesKrieg

penchant

9/18/2009 8:24:50 PM
seaner

penchant

9/18/2009 8:24:46 PM
seaner

Well the Independence day could be wrong. Its probably assumed that since we have one of their spaceships that our computer technology basically came from them. Therefore we are able to "hack" into their systems. It would make sense then..........Plausible!!!

9/18/2009 11:33:41 AM
buff21chief

alot of the things shown in live free or die hard are actully possible. i have no idea about americas technical status etc, but the trafic lights here in australia are run on a government system that if hacked into would give control of the lights. as for the webcam it was shown that it was a motorized webcam hooked into his computer and so could be controled from a remote computer. finally the exploding computer they clearly show that the inside of the computer is hooked up to blocks of C-4 plastic explosive that have been wired to explode when the delete key is pressed so they sent him a virus so his computer would freeze and he'd press ctrl-alt-DELETE like everyone does when their computer freezes

ps that gas station s**t is complete fiction im not gonna try to defend that.

9/18/2009 9:09:09 AM
craftyfirestorm

not to be overly aggressive but, how is "The webcam thing" "totally possible" i think the thing cracked.com is saying is that it IS imposible to turn on THEN move about a webcam when presumably its supposed to be stationary and can only be moved by a hand?

9/7/2009 3:12:49 PM
Amner

Wait. The webcam thing is totally possible, it's just not the kind of script kiddy bullshit they can make people panic about in movies anymore. I did it to my parents computer(No, it is 120 miles north of me, not upstairs, and yes, I pay my own rent) to f**k with them when they wouldn't stop calling me to fix their computers. I installed a backdoor, turned on the webcam via remote desktop, and took pictures starting at midnight and replaced the desktop image every hour until they noticed, called me, and stopped letting me see my brothers.

9/3/2009 9:37:23 PM
ambrose1987

Straight from Wikipedia

In comparison to modern CPU speeds, the X-MP had less than half of the raw power of Microsoft's Xbox console or less than 8% of an Intel Core 2 Duo E6700 (12.53 gigaflops)

9/2/2009 4:14:30 PM
Keithmeister

"Therefore, Goldblum's feat was the equivalent of colony of baboons in the Congo hacking into CitiBank using tree bark and clumps of their own feces."

HAHAHA

8/27/2009 7:33:25 PM
wickedmonkey

How about magically increasing a pictures resolution?

"I need to see what the bad guy looks like."
"Here's a picture from a traffic cam...let me just run it through this program. It might take a minute... ...there!"

8/24/2009 12:30:08 PM
KillerL1ama

@ Chal:

From your link:

"Could you imagine if a modified remote control could change traffic lights to green in both directions. This [the junction boxes controlling signals] should not have been possible to hack so easily."

That is, in fact, the opposite of 'proof' that a 14 year old boy can hack traffic lights. It's saying the opposite - saying that we certainly don't make it possible for traffic lights to be hacked with a remote control, so why would they have allowed the junction boxes to be. Next time you might want to read something before you offer it as 'proof'. Or, alternatively, just don't try anymore.

8/14/2009 7:09:35 PM
auslander

@Die Hard:
It *IS* possible to hack into traffic lights. Even a 14 year old boy can do that. You want proof?
Here it is:
http://hackedgadgets.com/2008/01/24/simple-ir-hack-derails-polish-trains/

7/28/2009 2:45:53 AM
Chal

re: #3: some of us worked crazy-solid for the year before so that Y2K made barely a whimper. Don't join the league if unknowns belittling a whole lot of effort, man.

7/24/2009 12:18:24 PM
chickenandporn
Cracked stuff on