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Who's Who In Your Fantasy Baseball Draft

The National Pastime is back, and that means two things-lots of role models for America' youth getting busted for steroids, and fantasy baseball drafts. Since we at CRACKED don't know a whole lot about steroids (we just can't afford any more shrinkage), we've decided to give our readers the definitive guide to who you'll be competing against in your fantasy baseball drafts.

STAT PRO
The most easily identifiable member of your fantasy baseball league. Stat Pro has spent the last six months studying his Athlon fantasy guide, which he carries around in his back pocket and won't let
A good pick if you often get your
penis stuck in electrical outlets
anyone else in the league look at. He can quickly tell you that Pedro Martinez has a career 2.72 ERA, and that Juan Pierre had 35 stolen bases for the Marlins in 2004. He' also likely to refer to a player' stats "being inflated by Coors Field" on at least two occasions during the draft. Finally, he'll certainly be the first to excitedly yell, "HURT! HURT!" when someone picks a player currently on the DL.

THE GUY WHO DRAFTS KEN GRIFFEY, JR
The Guy who Drafts Ken Griffey, Jr. will snag him in the 8th or 9th round and then boast about what a steal the pick is, and how this is the year Griff stays healthy. When Griffey inevitably breaks his ankle in May and goes on the 60-Day DL, this guy will complain about how his team would be so much better if not for injuries. The Guy Who Drafts Ken Griffey, Jr., is closely related to his Fantasy NBA counterpart, The Guy Who Drafts Grant Hill.

THE GUY WHO ONLY PLAYS FOR MONEY
This player will compete in your draft because he' friends with the other people in the league, but he'll go out of his way to talk about how he' not really taking your league seriously because there isn't any money on the line. He'll remind you several times throughout the draft that in his other leagues, he' got a much better team and has a shot at winning "some big dough."

BAD INTERNET CONNECTION GUY
Only applicable to those participating in online drafts. This player will make his first two picks and then his internet connection will go down, at which point Yahoo! will make all of his selections for him. He'll spend the rest of the season bitching about how he'd be in first if his crappy internet connection had held up.


THE FUNNY GUY
Gaylord Perry: The patron saint of
funny guy roto teams everywhere
The Funny Guy doesn't really care about winning the league, and doesn't know a whole lot about baseball. He' only in this draft for laughs. He'll definitely end up drafting Coco Crisp, Junior Spivey, and B.J. Upton. He may also draft a bunch of Asian players with funny names, so that he can remind you throughout the season that he has both Kaz Matsui and Hideki Matsui on his team. The Funny Guy' team name is likely to include some sort of reference to Gaylord Perry.


DARK HORSE GUY
Dark Horse Guy shies away from drafting the bigger name stars. Instead, he talks a lot about how he' got a bunch of dark horses who will definitely break out this year. Don't try to ask him who his dark horses are, because he guards those names as if they were nuclear launch codes. In fact, he' likely to get offended if you ask him to name his dark horses. This season, expect him to draft Ryan Howard and Curtis Granderson.


YOU STOLE MY PICK GUY
Repeatedly throughout the draft, following another player' pick, he will blurt out: "You stole my pick!", or "Damn! I was going to take him!" This player will tend to be one of the least popular members of the league, or somebody' buddy from work, and he' usually only saying these things because he thinks it makes him sound cool and knowledgeable.

AWFUL PICK GUY
He won't say much during the draft, but every couple of rounds he will make a point to tell another player what an awful pick he just made. "Awful pick, bro", or "He sucks, that' a terrible call" are the most common variations of his go-to line. Awful Pick Guy probably played lacrosse at Duke.
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