The 5 Most Insane Coaching Meltdowns
It has been a good year for violence in sports. The Miami-FIU mega-brawl was just the latest in an eventful string of cleat-footed-stomps and backup-kicker-knife-attacks. But the players don't deserve all the credit. We need to remember that behind every one of these raging athletes is a wrathful coach with a hair-trigger temper showing them what temporary insanity is all about. Here are five of the best at their most furious.
#5
Who: Joe Mikulik
Job: Manager of the Asheville Tourists
What Brought it On: Can't tell. It' a minor league baseball game, so no one was filming until it became clear that shit was going down. In fact, it' a testament to the artistry displayed in this flip out that someone would actually waste the battery power and blank VHS tape on a game featuring a team called the Tourists.
How it Went Down: Mikulik doesn't really lose his temper here. That phrase implies a person with a generally fair disposition has temporarily and briefly succumbed to anger. But the marathon length of Mikulik' vitriol can only suggest that this is his true temperament. For four stormy minutes, he throws bases, chucks bats, kicks dirt, clears the dirt away with a squirt bottle, all at a hyper speed that makes him look like he' in one of those old-fashioned Chaplin movies where everything' sped up 20-percent too fast.
#4
Who: Dennis Green
Job: Head Coach of the Arizona Cardinals
What Brought it On: As the old saying goes, sometimes the other team beats you, sometimes you beat yourself and sometimes you shit the bed in front of the largest audience that will ever watch you do your job. This third version of losing is what immediately preceded this meltdown for Green and his Cardinals.
How it Went Down: Football coaches speak a language that is all their own. It consists of short phrases repeated over and over again that sound as though they should make sense, but when you think about them, really mean nothing at all. On the sidelines, they'll usually just jumble together a mixture of the phrases, "Not in our house!" "Catch the ball!" "Keep your head on a swivel!" and "Fuck." However, in the post-game press conferences, when they have to string together coherent thoughts, they sometimes run into problems.
Green clearly speaks the language fluently, because although the phrase sounds like it should make sense, and clearly he believes it does, "The Bears are who we thought they were"--Green's mantra in this tirade--doesn't make sense the first time. Or the second, third or fourth. At the time of this writing, it is still unclear whether this clip would be as funny if Green didn't have Tiger Woods' voice.
#3
Who: Bobby Knight
Job: Head Basketball Coach of Indiana University
What Brought it On: Who knows. Maybe the Hoosiers got screwed on a call. Maybe someone in the front row was talking too loud for his liking. We're pretty sure Bobby Knight just wanted to throw something, and his assistant coach cried too much the last time he threw him.
How it Went Down: In light of sports violence like this season' Haynesworth stomp, Bobby Knight' famous chair throw looks pretty tame. In fact, it' not even really a throw. He just slides it along the floor like an angry shuffleboard player.
But it' important to remember Bobby tossed the chair in 1985, way before it was fashionable to act like an irresponsible jackass. Knight was a true trailblazer. He showed coaches in all sports that they can act immaturely without repercussion as long as they win. Without him, coaches and sports figures might actually behave as role models and you wouldn't be able to dick around at work reading a list like this. Thanks Bobby!
#2
Who: Jim Mora
Job: Indianapolis Colts Head Coach
What Brought it On: Many people remember the meltdown that forever turned the word 'playoffs' into a high-pitched question. Few people remember why he flipped out: he had one of the best young quarterbacks to come along in years and had just lost to the 49ers 40-21. Ouch.
How it Went Down: Guys with any sort of survival instinct learned early on in elementary school that once their voice cracked, it was time to shut the hell up, because it would happen again, and when it did they would be ridiculed mercilessly. Jim Mora apparently lost his instinct for Darwinian perseverance since then because he repeatedly, some would argue intentionally, cracks his voice while saying the world "playoffs." Even worse, he does it on camera at a time when American sports fandom was taking a turn for the cannibalistic, guaranteeing that his defensive voice crack would live on in the mouths of wannabe
#1
Who: Larry BowaJob: OK, so this one' not quite fair since this is Bowa when he was still a player on the Cubs in the early 80s. But since he later became a notoriously fiery manager, and since he drops 13 consecutive C-bombs, well, we couldn't resist.
What Brought it On: At the outset of the clip, Bowa' manager appears to be saying something about how they're going to retaliate by throwing at the pitcher who just threw at one of their players.
How it Went Down: The manager' response is measured, understated and really all that the situation calls for. Eye for an eye. 'Nough said. But as the manager is putting the situation to rest, Bowa gets up from his spot on the pine like an excited dog who just saw some food fall off the table.
The beauty of the clip, and what puts it at number one, is that you actually get to see Bowa assess the situation, take a few quiet moments to mull it over, before launching into his redundant manifesto on the topic of the pitcher's similarity to a woman' sexual organ while in use. Even when his teammates tell him to calm down he is unflagging, and even adds the universal sign for the c-bomb to illustrate his point. It' like he' a born-again in 'The Church of That Guy' a Fucking Cunt.' However, Bowa' finest moment is when he turns to his manager, who is trying to calm him down, and offers the rational, almost childlike rebuttal, "What? He's a fucking cunt."
