CRACKED's NFL Rundown: Week 15

Packers 17, Lions 9
Brett Favre broke Dan Marino's record for completions late in the second quarter, hitting Carlyle Holiday for the 4,968th of his career. Farve finished the game seven completions ahead of Marino's mark, forcing the CBS halftime show to become an extended Marino ego-stroke as Boomer Esiason pointed out the differences in today's offenses versus those of twenty years ago and claimed Marino would hold every record forever if he played in today's NFL.

The new record and victory allowed Farve to reflect on his storied career during postgame interviews instead of the three interceptions he threw, including two in the red zone. The Packers will face the Vikings this Thursday in a game the NFL Network is promoting as "possibly" Farve's final game ever at Lambeau Field. Packer fans have their fingers crossed.


Chargers 20, Chiefs 9
After a while, LaDainian Tomlinson, it just gets to be kind of obnoxious, y'know. Okay, every time you touch the ball you can run the full length of the field and score another touchdown. We get that and were very impressed. Now let Eric Parker have a turn with the ball.


Patriots 40, Texans 7
New England bounced back from its worst loss of the season by dominating Houston, which is the football equivalent of beating up one of the special education kids to compensate for everyone laughing at you when you tripped over your own feet walking the halls when you were in high school. It proves nothing and seems a harsh overreaction, but you can't deny it feels good.

"I don't even remember how we scored seven," admitted Houston quarterback David Carr. "One minute Tedy Bruschi was giving me a swirly and the next, while Mike Vrabel was reaching down my pants to give me a wedgie, I noticed we didn't have a zero on the scoreboard any more."


Titans 24, Jaguars 17
Fred Taylor left Sunday's game with a strained hamstring, shocking fans around the league who realized it took until week fourteen for Taylor to go down with an injury.

"When he first pulled up lame," explained coach Jack Del Rio, "I started thinking about how much candy I had to buy before the trick-or-treaters came around. Then it occurred to me, 'Wait a minute! This isn't mid-October!' How time flies when you're not playing guys off the end of your bench because your star rusher is cashing multimillion dollar checks to ride an exercise bike at half speed in a rehab clinic."


Bills 21, Dolphins 0
Miami's unrealistic hopes of making the playoffs finally came to an end as they were mathematically eliminated. Instead, Buffalo, with four wins in its last five games and back at .500, can drum up destined-to-be-all-for-naught enthusiasm among its fanbase.

"If we can just pull off a win against Tennessee next week, we can keep the postseason hype alive until Baltimore comes in her and spanks us like we were stealing from the cookie jar," speculated quarterback J.P. Losman. "That's thirteen or fourteen days of false hope. You can sell a lot of season ticket renewals in two weeks, especially during the holidays. Don't know what to get your uncle for Christmas? Buffalo football is un-Bills-eveable! Or maybe it's unbelieva-Bills. I can't remember which."


Rams 20, Raiders 0
Randy Moss sat out Sunday's game, his first missed start since joining the Raiders. "I don't know, man," Moss lamented, "I saw Terrell Owens spit on that Atlanta guy and I was just all like, 'Shit, why didn't I think of that?' Maybe I'm just getting too old for this. Being a disruptive force capable of bringing a franchise to its knees and drawing the ire of your teammates and the hatred of an entire community is a young man's game. Hell, it's everything I can do to get anyone to even notice that I'm half-running down the field on a play anymore."

Warren Sapp seconded Moss's observation. "Years ago, I would jawjack with Brett Farve after every play and people said I was ruining the game of football. Now, people at the grocery store ask me what I've been doing since I retired from the Buccaneers." Sapp expressed further concern about how he is aging and whether he has "always looked so much like Biz Markie."


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