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CRACKED's NFL Rundown: Week 1

By Jake Bell
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Colts 26, Giants 21
EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. - Peyton Manning got the better of his little brother Eli in the first ever meeting of the Brothers Manning, which, despite all indications to the contrary by broadcasters, actually involved ten other men taking the field with the brothers. The elder Manning led his team to scores on five of of the first seven possessions and masterfully kept the Giants at bay to secure the win. "Of course Peyton played well," shrugged Colts head coach Tony Dungy, "it's not the playoffs yet."

Jaguars 24, Cowboys 17
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. - Receiver Terrell Owens made his Cowboy debut in impressive fashion, finishing with six catches for 80 yards and a touchdown. "This isn't about T.O. I don't care about my own stats," said Owens. "As long as the team wins, I'm happy." When reporters pointed out the team had actually lost the game, Owens cast a glare toward quarterback Drew Bledsoe, who threw a total of three interceptions on the day including one in the final minute of the game, but insisted he wasn't going to blame anyone.



Bears 26, Packers 0
GREEN BAY, Wis. - Three-time MVP Brett Favre spent several months debating whether to return as the Packers' signal caller after a disappointing 4-12 season in which he threw a career-high 29 interceptions. Ultimately, he said the decision was made via unanimous vote from his wife and kids who wanted to see him return for a 16th season. "Stupid fuckin' family," Favre muttered after being shut out for the first time in his career.

Seahawks 9, Lions 6
DETROIT - The less said about a game that finished with just fifteen points scored on five field goals the better, but it should be noted Seattle had two other field goals blocked. To think, if only kicker Josh Brown had put those through the uprights... this game still would have sucked.

On a positive note, the Detroit Lions held their opponents to a lower score than the Detroit Tigers, who surrendered twelve runs to the Twins. Lions fans take their silver linings where they can find them.


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