The 5 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Movie Sex Acts
Is there any film that can't be improved with sex? Of course not. Imagine how great Citizen Kane would be if, instead of dropping a snow globe as he died, Charles Foster Kane had stolen a girl's bikini, and she had to chase him around the house for a bit, and then they started fucking. Are you imagining? See, we're usually right about this stuff.
But we're also sometimes wrong. Here are five of the worst, most unintentionally hilarious sex acts ever to be shown on the silver screen.
#5.
Swordfish (2001)
WHO'S GETTING BUSY:
Hugh Jackman is "serviced" by Helga the
prostitute while John Travolta holds a gun to his head, and forces him
to hack into the Department of Defense's database. If he can't hack
the DoD in 60 seconds, Jackman dies.
WHY IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY:
The ultimate challenge: Could you
keep a cool head, even while a hot blonde call girl is giving you the
hey-hey down-there business?
WHY IT'S HILARIOUS:
Nothing ruins a hard-on like being held at gunpoint. Worse, in this case
it's not even a hot Russian spystress holding the gun-you're
being threatened by Big Fat John Travolta (right). If you don't
think that's a boner killer, then hello, Man Who's Never Had
a Boner! Did you have a fun time at John Travolta's beach house?
Worse, Swordfish implies Travolta's instigated this "hacker test" before, which leads us to wonder just how many dicks this poor woman has sucked that have suddenly gone as limp as a sad little rag doll once the guy she was blowing got shot in the head? Inevitable depressing thoughts like these make this one of the worst scenes ever in movie blowjob history.
#4.
The Crow: City of Angels
(1996)
WHO'S GETTING BUSY:
Goth stripper Holly Daze does a naughty, private strip show for a lonely,
creepy stranger.
CLICK HERE TO VIEW (NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)
WHY IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY:
A provocative and uncompromising
look into the world of underground peep shows. The audience will be shocked
by this woman's willingness to degrade herself for a total stranger"¦
and yet they won't be able to turn away.
WHY IT'S HILARIOUS:
First
of all, the guy looks like Steven Tyler with runny mascara. He's
a total tool, which is made even more clear when he says, "I wanna
see some sugar." Yeah, 1920s slang-how very goth. That's
why there are so many buttons at Hot Topic with phrases like, "You're
the boss, applesauce," and "Everything is Jake!"
However, the best reason for including this masterpiece is for the final line. In a gruff, Wolverine-style growl, the guy says-as he's getting ready to come-"We're gonna celebrate Christmas a little early this year."
Oh boy! I'm sure that's just what Holly wanted. Put that sperm in a box, wrap it up and place it lovingly under the tree. Hey, too much emphasis is placed on consumerism during the holidays, which is why it's the handmade gifts that mean the most.
#3.
Conan the Barbarian
(1982)
WHO'S GETTING BUSY:
Conan caresses his new girlfriend, Valeria the thief, in a loving embrace:
CLICK HERE TO VIEW (NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)
WHY IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY:
Conan is a savage Barbarian
King; surely he can know nothing of tenderness, and yet he fondles his
lady's bosoms with such a delicate touch. The audience is caught
off guard and thus moved by the big brute's soft side.
WHY IT'S HILARIOUS:
Schwarzenegger
as a caring lover seems just a little less realistic than Schwarzenegger
as Danny DeVito's twin. You can see the frustration and confusion
all over his half-hearted boob-cupping. The idea that you would treat
a woman like anything besides a highly articulated sex doll seems foreign
and laughable to him. We imagine that if you could hear the original audio
from this scene it would feature director John Milius screaming directions
at Arnold as if he were a disobedient dog. "Lightly touch her breast!
LIGHTLY! No, you're groping them, Arnold. I
SAID NO GROPING!"
Plus, this clip has not aged well. In 1982, you could go to a movie theater, watch Arnold Schwarzenegger earnestly fondle a girl's bare breasts in a loin cloth to the sounds of a cheesy orchestra and not break into hysterics. We were so much simpler back then.
#2.
9½ Weeks
(1986)
WHO'S GETTING BUSY:
After ducking into an alley in order to escape a pack of New York City street goons,
Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger engage in some good old-fashioned violent
rain sex:
CLICK HERE TO VIEW (NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)
WHY IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY:
This is the kind of spontaneous,
unbridled love making that can only happen when two people are at the
very edge of their beings. Intoxicated by their brush with death, Basinger
and Rourke now feel more alive than ever and must fuck like champs in
order to truly embrace the moment.
WHY IT'S HILARIOUS:
No one,
aside from homeless people and runaway teenagers, should ever be so horny
that they're willing to do it in a New York alleyway. We get
that these two are completely "in the moment," but couldn't
they have held out for a slightly cleaner place to screw? Where fewer
drunks on their way home from Boo Radley's didn't stop to
take a piss? A phone booth? Natural History Museum coatroom?
Danger may be a huge aphrodisiac, but come on! You need to be cautious walking around barefoot through New York. We can't think of anything so sexy that we'd be willing to whip out our most precious organs in a place that's festering with disease. Then again"¦ I suppose Bassinger already kind of made that judgment call when she decided to take it from Mickey Rourke in the first place.
#1.
The Star Wars Trilogy
(The Good One, Not the Other One)
(NOTE: See a piece of it at :56)
WHO'S GETTING BUSY:
To annoy Han Solo, Leia Organa passionately kisses
Luke Skywalker on the lips.
WHY IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY:
Luke Skywalker is the youthful embodiment
of every lonely teen out there. Getting kissed by the hottest girl in
the galaxy (and a princess, no less!) is every young boy's dream.
WHY IT'S HILARIOUS:
Incest!
First of all, we know this isn't a "sex scene" per se,
but when you first watch these movies at age eight, it might as well be. Second,
we realize calling this "incest" is blunt, but c'mon-it's
a big problem with the original trilogy. After Return of the Jedi, every
re-watching of the Luke/Leia bridge swing kiss in Star Wars or the full
on make-out scene in Empire makes the audience squirm in their chairs
worse than Alberto Gonzales in front of a senate subcommittee. Or worse
than Bill Maher at Southern Baptist tent revival. Or"¦ Michael Jackson
at a"¦ young boys"¦ jubilee"¦ naked. We're spent.
You can't re-watch those scenes without feeling weird. People always give George Lucas crap for the "prequels," but the Luke and Leia brother/sister twist showed that even in his prime, Lucas made some shitty decisions. Lucas always stated that he'd planned out the movies way in advance, so either he's lying and just makes this crap up as he goes ("I got it-they're related! And hopefully people will just ignore how much they made out!") or he intentionally wrote an incest plot ("I got it-they're related! Incest is hot!"). Either way: Poor show, George.
Popular Cracked Videos
-
Sex as Understood by Adolescent Boys
Why Mario is Secretly a Douchebag
Why the Ending of 'Star Wars' is Secretly Kind of Dumb
Recommended For Your Pleasure
-
If Movie Universes Had Propaganda Posters
583,113 views -
22 Ill-Advised First Drafts of Great Ad Campaigns
336,412 views -
-
The 5 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Comic Strips
1,158,311 views -
The 6 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Superhero Reinventions
1,069,012 views
203 Comments
Trending Now Friends' Recent Activity
Flashback
Cracked Shows
Most Popular
Elsewhere ...
-
Article
-
Video
-
Columnist
-
Topic
-
Photoplasty
-
Infographics
- Advertise
- Write for Cracked
- Contact Us
- Link to Us
- Sitemap
- Terms & Conditions
- Privacy Policy
AdChoices
- Popular Topics: Boobs
- Zombies
- Hipsters
- Urban Legends
- Skyrim
- Go to our Mobile Version
Isn't the whole point of the swordfish scene that Travolta wasn't seriously gonna shoot him. He says so himself at the end of the video. So doesn't that make the majority of the paragraph about "how many dicks this poor woman has sucked that have suddenly gone as limp as a sad little rag doll once the guy she was blowing got shot in the head" a load of....dare i say....BALONEY!!!
Replyno but you may dare to say bologna.
Yeah that was a pretty failish joke given the content of the clip. That said, the idea that he's like barely able to concentrate because of all the cumming everywhere he's doing after 30 seconds of dick sucking while he's focused on other things and thinks he's about to die is indeed a bit absurd.
Since this article was posted, Drive Angry came along and blew them all away...
ReplyApparently, The "incest" scene in Star Wars only occurred because Han Solo was such a surprise favourite that the second was re-written for Solo to get the girl.
ReplyHave you ever noticed that the videos they link to never work? Or is it just me? Does anybody else always seem to get bad links and removed youtube videos?
ReplyWell, this article was written in 2007, and it's currently 2012, so it's understandable that the links may not work anymore.
I think the whole Luke/Leia thing is easily explained. The first "trilogy" Lucas wanted to do was his sisters. Then, he made another trilogy, and he had his hero "Luke" want to do his sister.
ReplyOr, Lucas is just a really s****y writer who can't remember what he's already written.
In fairness to the Swordfish scene Jackman's character was never in danger of really being shot in the head during the scene where he hacks the Dept of Defense while getting a blowjob. After calling time on the 60 seconds Travolta's character straight tells him "we were just messing with you, we know that it would be impossible for you to hack the DOD in 60 seconds." It was just an elaborate and cruel hazing ritual that he does. The big reveal of the scene is that after Travolta's character reveals it was fake (and that completing the task should have been impossible) Jackman's character turns the computer around and reveals that he actually did hack the DOD in 60 seconds, setting him up as this superhuman movie style hacker.
ReplyYea but part of the point was that Jackman didn't know it was just a hazing ritual so he truly feared for his life and unless he got off on danger it's a wee bit difficult to even keep it up.
That is indeed why the scene is silly, but it is NOT the point the article was making "leads us to wonder just how many dicks this poor woman has sucked that have suddenly gone as limp as a sad little rag doll once the guy she was blowing got shot in the head?"
Lucas didn't plan out the star wars prequels to go with the older trilogy lol Obi wan didn't know who da f**k R2D2 was in the first movie.
ReplyHe was senile and never much cared for droids anyway.
Whoever said they used to make out with their sister, thank you. I am on a diet & that visual has nauseated me to the point that I am no longer tempted by the Newman-Os in my pantry...
Reply"Is there any film that can't be improved with sex?"
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesExploitation is not in Cracked's dictionary, apparently. And yet they use the term "total tool" later on in the article.
"gone as limp as a sad little rag doll once the guy she was blowing got shot in the head"
Huh, I thought rigor mortis would've taken care of that. But I leave it up to Cracked to know everything about the junk of dead people.
"as he's getting ready to come"
Come where? Was he going somewhere?
"runaway teenagers, should ever be so horny"
Um...gross?
It's a comedy site, not fucking wikipedia. Also, the guy's junk would go limp at first then harden up later when rigor mortis sets in (if you knew anything you'd know it takes a while and I doubt she'd still be giving him head for a few hours after his death)
rigor mortis affects muscles. erections are caused by blood flow.
I've never seen someone be so wrong in an attempt to sound so intelligent. You could have just posted a picture of yourself sitting there licking a potato and done an equal job of proving your IQ.
"Hello man who has never gotten a boner!"
"Come where? Was he going somewhere?" Maybe English isn't your first language, but "come" means "ejaculate"...
And he'd have probably jizzed all over her face before going limp, as that's actually a common reaction to being shot in the head.
the sex scene in the watchmen needs to be #1. seriously, i still get chills thinking about that shit.
ReplyI don't think that scene was as unintentionally hilarious as it was unintentionally...awkward (I guess that goes for the Star Wars entry, as well). I know Moore loves to write in sex and boobies in his comics, but the movie just didn't have that kind of edge or flavor. It's like they forced it in there to try to be true to the comic, but that just made it come off like a Van Damme sex scene from an early '90s action flick: unauthentic, unbelievable, unnatural.
in my experience that's usually how it goes for the first time with a new partner...so it seemed realistic to me haha
To be fair on Star Wars though, that was more of a stupid plot device rather than what actually occured on screen like the rest of these entries. I would have rather put the Star Wars entry on a different list, something along the lines of "Most Unintentionally disturbing scenes" or something like that. It's hardly hilarious.
ReplyBig Fat John Travolta!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahaaaaahahaaaaahaaaaahaaaaaa!!!my tummy hurts.............
ReplyBtw, the first star wars trilogy seems better because you/we were younger when we watched it. It's only slightly less bad in terms of dialogue/acting.
ReplyYou're kidding right?
While I will freely admit that the prequels have SOME merits, and are not the piles of 100% radioactive dogshit that everyone makes them out to be, dialogue and acting are both in the top 5 things wrong with them.
All these people pointing out that erections don't necessarily go away after you die and not one mention of Clerks.
ReplyThe Star Wars thing was spot on. He really did just randomly decide that they were related some time after the first movie. So, incest by retcon.
Reply"Incest by Retcon" bad designer making a worse cologne
I always had one thought about how Swordfish should have went.
Reply"Look, look. I know you want me to hack into the DoD but I just can't do it."
"Now, now stop waving that gun in my face. It's not the problem! It's the f*****g b***h going down on me. Her head keeps getting in the way of the keyboard. I can't do it if I can't type, can I?"
The Crow entry is a shot of Thomas Jane pleasuring himself.
ReplyOh come on, "incest plot"? Really? A quick good luck kiss in a dire situation like the bridge scene is not incestuous. The "full on make out scene" was ONE fairly short mouth kiss, and she did it to show up Han, not because Luke and Leia were into each other.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesEh. At least it's not pedophilia.
I would NEVER kiss my sister in either way for any reason, and we are both some pretty fine-ass motherfuckers! (Not literally. Could you imagine? Me being disgusted by the thought of kissing my sister only to reveal that we both have beautiful behinds and have an incestuous relationship with our biological mother? Hmmm... I have a screenplay idea for Lucas, now... >:) )
Good for you Chronisseur. What a shame there aren't more gentlemen like you.
This list is lacking in the sex scenes from The Room and from Roadhouse.
ReplyOMG the Room! I agree, how was this missed. "I did not hit her, I did not.....oh hai, Mark!" Cant wait for the Neighbors and even weirder sex scenes
I kept waiting for The Room to be number one... Imagine my disappointment.
When you die with an erection it doesn't go down because your heart has stopped and the blood is trapped, Headless or not...DUH
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesWow I honestly can't remember the last time I saw someone use the term "DUH" on the internet.
I'm surprised they didn't lose their erections as soon as the game came into play.
DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!