Sex-Off! Women of the '70s vs. Today
If you're like us, you yearn for a time when fondue, tennis and cognac ruled the social scene and the women were bra-less and easy. We're not talking about last Wednesday at Burt Reynolds' windowless Malibu chateau-we're talking about the 1970s. Not surprisingly, the women of that carefree, mustache-accepting decade were notably more attractive.
Why? Maybe it was the fact that their breasts were made of playfully droopy fat deposits rather than sacks of plastic, and their faces weren't stretched out and injected with horse semen (that's what Botox is, right?). Or maybe it's just the simple fact that cocaine hadn't really caught on yet. Either way, we conducted some scientific-ish research and proved indisputably that the women of the 1970s are tits and ass above the women of today.
|
TODAY: Lindsay Lohan
|
THE '70s: Bo Derek
|
During the 1970s, Bo Derek sent a strong, womanly message to men under 40: "Hey, why don't you jack off while you look at me?" And jack off they did. With four-inch-long nipples and the face of a sexy, whorish angel, Derek became a shower companion to men nationwide.
Lohan, however, fluctuates between 47 and 182 pounds, and her daily breakfast is usually a surprisingly accurate recreation of the last scene from Scarface. Oddly enough, she was a lot hotter back when she was 15. Yeah, we'd much rather bang the 15 year-old Lin-what? Nothing. Oh yeah-we were going to say that she also appears to be African-American from the waist down, and that's just weird.
WINNER: THE '70s
Popular Cracked Videos
-
Sex as Understood by Adolescent Boys
Why Mario is Secretly a Douchebag
Why the Ending of 'Star Wars' is Secretly Kind of Dumb
Recommended For Your Pleasure
-
19 Knock-Off Gifts People Are Probably Opening Today
514,724 views -
22 Ill-Advised First Drafts of Great Ad Campaigns
336,412 views -
6 Reasons the '70s Should Have Killed Us All
177,652 views -
The Circle of Life: Jocks vs. Nerds
514,795 views -
5 Horrifying Food Additives You've Probably Eaten Today
896,235 views
330 Comments
Trending Now Friends' Recent Activity
Flashback
Cracked Shows
Most Popular
Elsewhere ...
-
Article
-
Video
-
Columnist
-
Topic
-
Photoplasty
-
Infographics
- Advertise
- Write for Cracked
- Contact Us
- Link to Us
- Sitemap
- Terms & Conditions
- Privacy Policy
AdChoices
- Popular Topics: Boobs
- Zombies
- Hipsters
- Urban Legends
- Skyrim
- Go to our Mobile Version
You couldn't think of a better female superhero?
Reply.....as trivial as this point is, I lost your point when you kept calling her Kate Beckinsdale, instead of, you know, Kate Beckinsale the amazingly hott actress. Do you even know who your talking about? This woman is a goddess.
ReplyAgreed. That woman is also the reason pleather was made.
I'm sorry but none of the 70's pictures were anything close to the 'today' pictures. They were all pretty, but the 'today' ones were HOT and the 70's were 'kinda ok'.
ReplyThat is not an attractive picture of Kate Beckinsale. But then again, Underworld isn't even a superhero movie. What is this?
ReplyFarrah Fawcett's smile is sexier than Paris Hilton's entire body.
ReplyThe difference between semi-erotic cheesecake pics of chicks now and chicks back then? Really? It's not the girls. It's f*****g photoshop. I'm sure Paris' tits jiggle as well as an A-cup can when she's jumping up and down (possibly due to a cocaine bump snorted out of a diamond encrusted spoon).
ReplyThis article would have been much better if you just conceded that the 70's lost a couple of these. You can still have it be 1970's>2000's, but don't make excuses just to give it to who you want.
ReplyYeah. Cuthbert and Beckinsale are just unbelievably, amazingly hot.
The other three though, yeah. Well played, 1970s.
Horrible injury... I was masturbating when the phone rang... ouch...
ReplyHow does kate beckinsale lose?
ReplyAt first i was confused when Clive admitted the girl next door goes to Cuthbert but gave the win to the 70s. Then, i saw that Kate Beckinsdale lost, i lol'd and was done with the article
ReplyEh, never got the attractiveness of Farrah Fawcett, can't get over the huge grinny smile of hers.... Not that Paris Hilton is the better choice in that match-up. Agree with virtually all of the other "70s" women, though. Lindsay? You used to be the stuff of dreams but then you went crazy and skanky. And Daisy Duke was played by Catherine Bach, not Barbra Bach.
ReplySeeing a lot of "you're so biased" comments.
ReplySeriously, this is not an article about the health effects of sticking your dick in a toaster. This is a very short article about comparing sex symbols from the 70's to sex symbols from today. And what everyone who disagreed with the article author has proved is that one man's sex symbol is another man's not-sex symbol.
This is not science. There is no way you can be objective. Just let it go.
So sad that people age.
ReplyYeah, an 'okay' article.
ReplyLess 'water cooler talk' subject matter, more of an 'awkward urinal discussion' type of article.
Not that that's BAD, mind you; it's just a bit more of a 'puffier than normal' puff piece.
And really, Pheobe Cates? Pulling an 80's icon into this really invalidates the 70's focus. C'mon! Personal pipe dreams aside, this is a good example of how ADD can really affect an article...
Too bad, this was written before Gina Caranno did a movie. That girl can really kick most guys' ass.
ReplyAll you freaks who like cate beckensail are loosers. Real wemon have curves!
Reply Hide All See All 6 Replieschubby chaser
Kate Beckinsale DOES have curves. The 'skintight catsuit' obscures them, but look at her in, oh, say, ANY other movie and you'll see the truth. Damn, even the stinker 'Van Helsing' showed them off to good effect.
tool
Real women also like men who spell correctly.
"wemon"
You may want to run spell check there buddy.
for such a serious article, you surprisingly didn't really use any well thought out points or proofs :O I would totally re-write this and provide an extensive scientific analysis into which era is hotter, cause right now it reads like you were doing this for fun... which is not appropriate for a topic such as which girl must one man prefer.
ReplyYou know, I don't really consider "Cates has nice tits. Cuthbert has nice hair, tits, and looks like a sex robot. 70'S WIN!!" To be that impartial. If you're gonna write an article like this, why don't you, I don't know, maybe consider which one is hotter? I mean, if you looked at any pair, without knowing which was from the 70's, which would you choose? Because I know which is easier for me to jack to.
Replyagreed, in all but one case modern was waaay hotter, and all the reasoning was some circular s**t like "women were more sexual in the 70s therefore the 70s are more sexual"...dafuq?
Wow you're completely biased you fangbanger
ReplyFangbanger?! I MUST REMEMBER THIS!!
Wait until I drop this little 'bon mot' upon the bridge club this Sunday!
Pip-pip!
Side comment: The only thing that ever bothered me about Lynda Carter's role as Wonder Woman (and its not her fault) is that she looked like she was wearing a diaper. Anyways as far as comparing 70's women to today I'd also have to go with the 70's only because to me, women celebrities from the 70's actually look like real women I might see at the mall or at the grocery store. Some women celebrities I see today might as well be from another planet, and I'm not entirely sure they aren't.
ReplyThat is the exact thing I hate about Lynda Carter Wonder Woman. It always bothered me and I love Wonder Woman.
DEAR GOD!!
You do realize that you may have just identified the unintentional catalyst for the 'Sexy Babe in Diapers' fetish currently sweeping the darker areas of the internet, correct?
You may get a Nobel Prize for this...that, or a few strange looks from the Nobel Committee. Either way, it's recognition!