5 Reasons George W. Bush Isn't As Stupid As You Think

Think Dubya's a Gump? Think again-he may just be the smartest man on the planet. And you just might be able to learn something from the man who was smart enough to convince America he was functionally retarded.

Why He Appears Mentally Disabled

Famously, Bush has cleared more brush than, well, a guy who's cleared a lot of brush. It's his hobby-moving sticks around like a real live cowboy. Go figure.

Why He's Actually a Genius

He made America forget that he's actually from the North. The cowboy president was, in fact, born in Connecticut and attended high school at the prestigious Phillips Academy in Andover, Mass. He moved on to college at Yale in New Haven, Conn. and then graduate school at Harvard in Cambridge, Mass., all the while spending summers at his family's estate in Kennebunkport, Maine.

The Pudding (Where The Proof Is)

All you other retaaaaads from New England haven't been able to drop that accent. Not only did Bush avoid it, he pulled a Southern one out of thin air the same way Madonna started talking like Oliver Twist after living in England for two months.

Why He Appears Mentally Disabled

Bush has been arrested for a DWI, and has allegedly used cocaine like William Howard Taft used bacon.

Why He's Actually a Genius

If you were a middle-aged man and your boss found out that you'd gotten a DWI and done coke, you'd get fired in hurry, even if you worked at McDonald's. Not to mention that your wife would probably divorce you, your kids would probably stop speaking to you and your friends would "accidentally" lose your phone number (dicks). Not Bush. His perpetually smiling wife stood by him, his whorish children adore him and he's the leader of the friggin' free world.

The Pudding (Where The Proof Is)

Bill Clinton-a supposedly intelligent President-got a lot more guff for allegations of marijuana use. Bush, on the other hand, rode the white pony (of not commenting) all the way to the Oval Office with no major yayo-related objections.

Why He Appears Mentally Disabled

News flash: the man can't string a complete sentence together.

Why He's Actually a Genius

The President has contributed more new words to the English language than anyone since Shakespeare. How many words did, say, Jimmy Carter invent? Zero (although the sharp rise in popularity of the phrase "what a pussy" coincided exactly with his presidency). Shakespeare invented words like "braggartism" that-let's face it-don't exactly get used a lot. Bush, on the other hand, invented the word "misunderestimate," which is used daily by douchey office jockeys coast to coast. And who's to say it's not a real word? "Braggartism" wasn't a word either, until someone of exceptional intelligence said it was.

The Pudding (Where The Proof Is)

A highly advanced Internet search machine known as a "Google" reveals 74,000 results for Bush's "misunderestimate," compared with only 2,400 for Shakespeare's "braggartism." Who's a better word-inventor-guy now?

Why He Appears Mentally Disabled

From his awkward groping of German Chancellor Angela Merkel to his bizarre, sexually charged relationship with Condoleezza Rice, Bush is criminally awkward around women.

Why He's Actually a Genius

He convinced First Lady Laura to marry him after a three-month courtship-without the aid of an unplanned pregnancy. It takes most fellows three months just to convince a dame to remove her pantaloons, and Bush got the whole package (which, back in the late '70s, was a pretty tasty one) after just 12 weeks-roughly the same amount of time that cheese stays good in a refrigerator. Clearly, the man knows something that you don't, and by that, yes, we mean something sexy-smooth.

The Pudding (Where The Proof Is)

Sure, Dubya had the added advantage of being a member of a famous family awash in cash, but you don't see Donald Trump's son (big virgin) having any luck, even though he has a bigger arsenal of the same weapons.

Why He Appears Mentally Disabled

The federal deficit has reached a new high because of the war in Iraq.

Why He's Actually a Genius

Not only has he hung onto his own money while losing that of American taxpayers, he's held onto his own life while, however indirectly, losing those of American taxpayers. America's in pretty rough shape, but Dubya's still super-rich and super-alive. How's he so cunningly self-sufficient? Well, he has an MBA from Harvard, a school he got into and graduated from while his dad was still only Chief of the US Liaison Office in China (whatever that is).

The Pudding (Where The Proof Is)

Bush's ownership stake in the Texas Rangers-originally purchased for $800,000-brought him $15 million when the team was sold in 1998. That's a 1,875 percent return on his investment, and more money than you will ever see. (Unless you're Donald Trump Jr., in which case, we're very sorry about the above comment.)