5 Reasons George W. Bush Isn't As Stupid As You Think
Think Dubya's a Gump? Think again-he may just be the smartest man on the planet. And you just might be able to learn something from the man who was smart enough to convince America he was functionally retarded.
5.
His "Down-Home" Country Roots
Why He Appears Mentally Disabled
Famously, Bush has cleared more brush than, well, a guy who's cleared a lot of brush. It's his hobby-moving sticks around like a real live cowboy. Go figure.
Why He's Actually a Genius
He made America forget that he's actually from the North. The cowboy president was, in fact, born in Connecticut and attended high school at the prestigious Phillips Academy in Andover, Mass. He moved on to college at Yale in New Haven, Conn. and then graduate school at Harvard in Cambridge, Mass., all the while spending summers at his family's estate in Kennebunkport, Maine.
The Pudding (Where The Proof Is)
All you other retaaaaads from New England haven't been able to drop that accent. Not only did Bush avoid it, he pulled a Southern one out of thin air the same way Madonna started talking like Oliver Twist after living in England for two months.
4.
His History of Drug Use
Why He Appears Mentally Disabled
Bush has been arrested for a DWI, and has allegedly used cocaine like William Howard Taft used bacon.
Why He's Actually a Genius
If you were a middle-aged man and your boss found out that you'd gotten a DWI and done coke, you'd get fired in hurry, even if you worked at McDonald's. Not to mention that your wife would probably divorce you, your kids would probably stop speaking to you and your friends would "accidentally" lose your phone number (dicks). Not Bush. His perpetually smiling wife stood by him, his whorish children adore him and he's the leader of the friggin' free world.
The Pudding (Where The Proof Is)
Bill Clinton-a supposedly intelligent President-got a lot more guff for allegations of marijuana use. Bush, on the other hand, rode the white pony (of not commenting) all the way to the Oval Office with no major yayo-related objections.
3.
His Functional Retardation at Press Conferences
Why He Appears Mentally Disabled
News flash: the man can't string a complete sentence together.
Why He's Actually a Genius
The President has contributed more new words to the English language than anyone since Shakespeare. How many words did, say, Jimmy Carter invent? Zero (although the sharp rise in popularity of the phrase "what a pussy" coincided exactly with his presidency). Shakespeare invented words like "braggartism" that-let's face it-don't exactly get used a lot. Bush, on the other hand, invented the word "misunderestimate," which is used daily by douchey office jockeys coast to coast. And who's to say it's not a real word? "Braggartism" wasn't a word either, until someone of exceptional intelligence said it was.
The Pudding (Where The Proof Is)
A highly advanced Internet search machine known as a "Google" reveals 74,000 results for Bush's "misunderestimate," compared with only 2,400 for Shakespeare's "braggartism." Who's a better word-inventor-guy now?
2.
His Lack of Smoothness With The Ladies
Why He Appears Mentally Disabled
From his awkward groping of German Chancellor Angela Merkel to his bizarre, sexually charged relationship with Condoleezza Rice, Bush is criminally awkward around women.
Why He's Actually a Genius
He convinced First Lady Laura to marry him after a three-month courtship-without the aid of an unplanned pregnancy. It takes most fellows three months just to convince a dame to remove her pantaloons, and Bush got the whole package (which, back in the late '70s, was a pretty tasty one) after just 12 weeks-roughly the same amount of time that cheese stays good in a refrigerator. Clearly, the man knows something that you don't, and by that, yes, we mean something sexy-smooth.
The Pudding (Where The Proof Is)
Sure, Dubya had the added advantage of being a member of a famous family awash in cash, but you don't see Donald Trump's son (big virgin) having any luck, even though he has a bigger arsenal of the same weapons.
1.
His Stance on the Economy
Why He Appears Mentally Disabled
The federal deficit has reached a new high because of the war in Iraq.
Why He's Actually a Genius
Not only has he hung onto his own money while losing that of American taxpayers, he's held onto his own life while, however indirectly, losing those of American taxpayers. America's in pretty rough shape, but Dubya's still super-rich and super-alive. How's he so cunningly self-sufficient? Well, he has an MBA from Harvard, a school he got into and graduated from while his dad was still only Chief of the US Liaison Office in China (whatever that is).
The Pudding (Where The Proof Is)
Bush's ownership stake in the Texas Rangers-originally purchased for $800,000-brought him $15 million when the team was sold in 1998. That's a 1,875 percent return on his investment, and more money than you will ever see. (Unless you're Donald Trump Jr., in which case, we're very sorry about the above comment.)
If you want to reduce your amount of blame, act like you only got half a brain.
ReplySomething about Bush and Shakespeare even being mentioned on the same page is a bit too much.
ReplyMisusing and destroying the English language is not adding new words. There are still syntax and grammar rules that words have to follow to be considered actual English words. Also, everything you listed doesn't make him a genius, it makes him a rich kid who's parents can buy off the people in the right positions so their son can be successful. When in reality he is an absolute idiot. Thinking he is really a genius is the same as screaming, "I'M A RETARD TOO!"
ReplyYou do realize that this is a humor site right?
I believe in another Cracked article they mention the Oxford English Dictionary recognizes the word grrrl, so yea, his making words doesn't seem too far off
actually the reason he is not dumb is simply because he isnt he actually got better grades in school then john kerry and john kerry has an iq of 139 which means bush must have an iq of atleast 140 he simply doesnt have a way with words
ReplyIQ and actual intelligence have no correlation. IQ is just the measurement of your speed and capacity to learn and understand, as well as how much information you can retain. You can have a high IQ and still be dumb as a rock if you are not ambitious. Rich parents can buy grades and places in college. Especially if you are part of the highly influential Bush family. The man is a retard plain and simple. If he was truly a Harvard and Yale educated man, he would be able to speak properly and know the grammar and syntax rules of the English language.
OH...I see what you did there.
ReplyI feel like this article was actually meant to really drive home the indisputable fact that George Bush is an idiot. Or at least that he's a complete asshole.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesWow, really?
I believe you are correct Doomy23. Utterly and completely correct.
Of Course it's a comedy site! Not meant to be taken literaly!
Of all the words Shakespeare invented you picked "braggartism"? He invented the word "WEIRD" for god's sake. Again the media is violated to make Bush seem like a human being.
Reply#4: He didn't catch as much guff over his drug use because, let's face it, the Democrats have less of a problem with drug use in the past with the opposing party's politicians than the Republicans do. Hell, the Republicans are more rabid about digging up "sins of the past" than the Democrats in general. But only where the Democrats are involved. Since Clinton was a Democrat, he caught more guff.
ReplyAre you retarded? He got into Harvard and Yale b/c of who his daddy and granddaddy were. Money, bro. And he hung on to his money the same way other rich douchebags who ruined the economy did. He cheated and lied. You don't need an MBA to do that. And the country shit, was totally all Rove. He made Bush buy it before the election and sold it in 2009. Lame.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesSince when do you become a genius by tricking stupid people to vote for you... once, by the way. Just once. And it was against Kerry, so that didn't even count.
You don't need an MBA to cheat and lie, but you have to be really good at cheating and lying to deceive a whole country and not get killed. Dubya gets props from me, as badly as I'd love to smash his face through the back of his skull.
You seem to lack the ability to tell the difference between a dick and a moron. The people who flew through the recession did so by taking advantage of the morons. That makes them douches. It also makes them smart.
no cm86 your wrong
bush actually got better grades then john kerry while at yale and john kerry has an iq of 139 which means bush has atleast an iq of 140 oh by the way there is no way in hell you will get into harvard or yale with out having good grades it doesnt matter how rich your daddy is
People born in Connecticut don't talk with Boston accents... at all. In fact outside of the towns surrounding Boston, no one else in New England would say retaaad. So he didn't have to do anything to drop his Boston accent.
ReplyWhen I describe his presidency, I wish I could say, "I'll just pretend that didn't happen."
ReplyBush was not the president America wanted, nor was he the president we needed, but he was the president we deserved.
ReplyOr however that line from The Dark Knight goes.
Good day to you all. :)
*clap* *clap* *clap*
Good satire. But I hate the article because of who it is about.
ReplyOf course, because you're a typical bleeding heart liberal who is more blind than smart.
Melissa, you're either an idiot or a troll. And a waste of oxygen.
I wonder if criticizing presidents could now be considered as American as hot dogs and apple pie.
ReplyAny reason why it shouldn't? Let other countries make it illegal to criticize their leaders, we're the USA, we have the FREEDOM to do - or not to do.
FREEDOM HERPA DERP!
Bush is an idiot. Why would any man want to make himself permanently hated by an entire country by stepping into the most powerful and difficult position I can imagine? Regardless of what he did to change the economy, it still would have declined and he would STILL be blamed. It is completely insane to run for president. All you're doing is setting yourself up for hatred. History is full of presidents that HATED the job. It's a thankless, grueling, and ultimately disappointing job. J.F.K. once said that, "No easy problem ever comes to the President of the United States. If they are easy to solve, somebody else has solved them." It's ridiculous for us to blame Bush for the state of the U.S. He may have been the most powerful man in the world, but he was still just a man. A man that was faced with the most difficult problems in our lives and then expected to solve them flawlessly. Truman knew that it was a horrible job and he summed up how wrongly we blame the president when he said, "Most of the problems a President has to face have their roots in the past." Sure, some of the problems we faced then, and now, can be blamed on Bush, but we also continue to blame him and Obama for things they had little to no control over. It's like blaming the person that just rented a building for the termites that have been there for years. I wouldn't wish the presidency on anyone. To run for president is a sure sign that a man is insane. A patriot, yes. But a madman.
ReplyMr. President, wars are expensive.
Not this war.
We need to budget this. Pay for it. Somehow.
You're not talking about-
Yes, Mr. President. Taxes.
YOU'RE FIRED.
Fuck.
It's not that hard.
Presidents are people who are supposed to help their countries and improve their countries. A president becomes a president because he's willing to put up with all the garbage his enemies throw at him, in order to improve his country. That's a great thing to do, except that Bush screwed it up. Regardless of who 'blames' him, Bush had a job to do, and he did it badly. JFK did a good job during his term, and was assassinated. Yeah, he was hated enough to be killed, but during his term, he did a fantastic job, and improved his country: in other words, he fulfilled the whole POINT of becoming a president, DESPITE the pressure from the public. If you're going to be in a position of as much power, you need to avoid abusing that power REGARDLESS of how the public views you, and I'd be hard pressed to find a way in which Bush did not abuse his power. There is nothing patriotic in how Bush took control of an entire country and performed his tasks so badly that not a part of the country, but the WHOLE country, wound up resenting him for what HE and HE directly, did to them. Not just the War; every other thing he did (turning down a proposal to bring clean drinking water to starving nations, turning down a proposal to study stem cells in order to advance medical science, enacting the No Child Left Behind Act which has caused enormous problems in public schools such as those in Georgia) still has destructive effects today.
Also, Truman bombed Hiroshima and Nagasaki in order to intimidate the Soviet Union during the beginning of the cold war, and then claimed to have performed the action in order to get Japan to surrender and end the war (although Japan had offered to surrender earlier, and the US had just ignored the proposal). I'm not saying your point isn't valid, I'm only saying that bringing in Truman will provide little credibility to your argument.
Although, frankly, I guess I can't really blame Bush or Truman for their actions, because at the time, the American people were mainly cheering on every inane thing they did. So, I suppose the joke's on us.
it's either he's a genius or the people are stupid for having him for 2 terms. TWO terms.
ReplyHonestly, if he didn't screw up the country so much, I would love him.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesHe didn't screw it up as much as Obama has. Fact
@Melissa I OPPOSE THAT STATEMENT! I don't like Obama too much either, but he has definitely worked in favor of the country, whereas Bush has caused largely catastrophe. Though it appears that Obama spends most of his time either A. enacting a Health Care reform that not even the liberals care about or B. convincing everybody that he isn't born in Kenya, the reality is that somehow, despite making the majority of the public view him as a smooth-talking wimp, Obama has made actual, solid improvements to the economy. Between Bush, who ruined our economy, and Obama, who has repaired it (sort of), I declare your statement UNFACTUAL! (makin' up words just like Bush, that's how I roll.)
@Kitsch What the hell are you talking about? Our economy is the worst its been since the great depression. What solid improvements has he made? Give me two (2) examples.
@Kitsch Melissa is sadly correct. If you look at everything they both did, Obama has by far been completely responsible for the state of the country right now as far as the economy goes. If it wasn't for his bailouts of the corporations we wouldn't even be in the state we are in. Obama is about as a far right wing conservative as you can get. It's strange that the republicans don't adore him. He's done nothing, but help their agenda.
This is a brilliant troll post and I commend you for it.
ReplyI can't believe some people on here actually think this article was serious and not completely sarcastic.
ReplyWait a second... So, Bush is a financial genius because he reached the greatest debt limit until Obama, and that is because Bush's careful watch on Wall Street... Oh hold on there, I just got news that Bush wrecked the economy and let Lehman Brothers go bankrupt; he next gave an insanely huge TARP fund to AIG because it was "too big to fail". Also, Bush graduated from Yale only because his daddy, who became the vice-president and president, pulled some strings. Bush was a notorious drunkard and wouldn't have graduated, even been accepted to Yale but to the fact that Bush II's dad was going to be president.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesDude... You are missing the point
Also, you're an idiot. The year Bush Jr. was accepted to Yale was the year his dad first got political by serving the high office of... Chairman to the Republican Party for Harris County Texas. So he only got into college because someone on the board of admissions thought his dad would become president in another 30 years? Yeah I'm sure he was pulling strings from three decades in the future. Do your research cunt.
@Chip The Bush family has been in power for decades and decades. The last name might not always be Bush, but the strings are pulled none the less.