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The 15 Best Songs That Are Totally About Masturbation

3
"She Bop"
Cyndi Lauper
Hey, hey, they say I better get a chaperone,
Because I can't stop messin' with the danger zone.
No, I won't worry, and I won't fret,
Ain't no law against it yet.
Oop, she bop, she bop.

Until our slumber party concept album is released next month, this will be the catchiest song about girlie masturbation. But however catchy, Cyndi Lauper better make sure she explains to the chaperone that one of his duties will be prying her hands out of her vagina, because that's not usually under a chaperone's purview. In addition to introducing us to the existence of chaperones that forcibly stopped masturbation, "She Bop" also introduced us to the phrase "danger zone," which is used to refer to a lady area. Wait, does that mean that the song "Highway to the Danger Zone" is about traveling to a girl's Christian spot? Because we find it hard to believe that Kenny Loggins would want to be anywhere near a human vagina.

2
"I Touch Myself"
DiVinyls
Do we even need to write the lyrics here? You know the damn thing by now don't you? Don't you? Fine, here it is:
I don't want anybody else,
And when I think about you I touch myself.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, aah.

Whereas most songs about solo sex depend on euphemisms and innuendo, this band of Aussies pretty much says it like it is. And as the '80s documentary Crocodile Dundee demonstrated, there's nothing Aussies do better than shoot from the hip. It's like DiVinyls listened to all the other songs on this list and said, "That's not a song about masti-bayshoon-this is a song about masti-bayshoon." On a side note, where are all of the Australian dudes who kill Crocodiles and make pithy comments about the backwards nature of American life? All the ones we meet seem more interested in having gelled hair and engaging us in drunken conversations about extreme sports.

1
"Pump It Up"
Elvis Costello
Down in the pleasure centers,
Hell bent or heaven sent,
Listen to the propaganda,
Listen to the latest slander.
There's nothing underhand,
That she wouldn't understand.
Pump it up until you can feel it.
Pump it up when you don't really need it.

See, even one of rock's smartest songwriters has written lyrics about this base subject. The reason being that like war, politics and two-person love, masturbation has been ubiquitous in music ever since humans decided to invent it. Though our Latin may be a little shaky, the last term we heard the 1,200-year-old Gregorian Chant, we're pretty sure the phrase "flogging the dolphin" was in there somewhere.

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