The 15 Best Songs That Are Totally About Masturbation
Prostitution may be the oldest profession, but masturbation is the oldest pastime. And while there are many memorable cinematic masturbation scenes-a quick polling of CRACKED deskies produced titles like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Porky's and American Beauty-only CRACKED intern Ryan Grim could come up with a single song on the topic, and he was masturbating when we asked him. In other words, the Internet could use a definitive list of songs that are totally about masturbating.
15
"My Ding-A-Ling"
Chuck Berry
When I was little boy in grammar school,Always went by the very best rule,
But every time the bell would ring,
You'd catch me playing with my ding-a-ling.
So many important questions are raised here. Does Berry have some sort of Pavlovian reaction whereby every time he hears a bell, he whips it out and starts going to town? If so, we're not sure that's the very best rule for grammar school, or any school for that matter. In fact, by the time senior year of high school rolled around, with it's 14 bells a day and underage freshman girls, we're guessing things got downright litigious.
On second thought, Mr. Berry did grow up in the '30s, and you know what they say about public masturbation and the Great Depression...
14
"Darling Nikki"
Prince
Knew a girl named Nikki,I guess you could say she was a sex friend.
I met her in a hotel lobby,
Masturbating with a magazine.
050707/Prince_Darling_Nikki.mp3
We have a feeling most of Prince's stories start out with, "So I was hanging out in the hotel lobby, when suddenly I saw a girl masturbating with a magazine." But was she actually rubbing a rolled-up Playgirl against her yodel patch, or was she merely looking at the naked dudes while fiddling herself? Prince should really clarify these things in the liner notes, because if ever there was a lyric that could cause confused young people to hurt themselves, this is it.
13
"Icicle"
Tori Amos
And when my hand touches myself,I can finally rest my head.
And when they take from his body,
I think I'll take from mine instead,
Getting off, getting off while they're all downstairs.
Icicle" is our first entry from a woman and-surprise, surprise-it's Tori Amos. For some reason, she's always come off like a chronic masturbator. Maybe it's her boring, introspective music videos. Maybe it's the fact that she appears to be masturbating in at least a quarter of the images that accompany this YouTube audio clip. Or maybe it's the time she sent us that unsolicited humor submission about how she wore down the knob on her clit-hitter. Sorry, Tori, it just wasn't right for us, but feel free to contact us with any questions. And in case you're wondering how a Tori Amos song made it onto a "Best of.." anything list, the simple answer is that we were lesbians in college.
I'm surprised there was nothing from the author about the "and at that moment, I thought of my mother" line in #7.
ReplyHow did Fingers by P!nk not make this list?
ReplySo... Darling Nikki is about a one night stand. Not masturbation. One line does not define the song.
ReplyGive it to the soft boys is totally about masturbation.
ReplyNot ridiculously famous, but Cracked is full of college kids and Guster has "Barrel of a Gun" :
ReplyI know a movie star, I've got her plastered to my wall
Just like we're dear old friends, like she already knows me
She's perfect as she seems, lifts me right out the Mezzanine
I finally fell in love, I'd been waiting forever
Four, three, two, one
When at the barrel of a gun
Keep my head way down.
Stay out, I'll stay in.
Half dead, half numb
She's enough to make me warm
It's all so safe and sound.
Thinking of You by A Perfect Circle
ReplyHow has no one mentioned "Epic" by Faith No More. That was perhaps their most mainstream hit as well.
Reply"We can only assume these kooky Ohioans are referring to the practice of cupping the moneybag with one hand while the other hand earns the paycheck."
ReplyBy far the funniest metaphor for masturbation I've ever heard.
Longview by Green day should at least get an honorable mention.
Replythe majority of the songs on dookie were about masturbation in some way
What about "Rosie," by Jackson Brown? A beautiful love song:
ReplyWhen I turn out the lights, I gotta hand it to me;
Looks like it's me & you again tonight, Rosie.
Any list of songs about masturbation that doesn't include "867-5309 (Jenny)" is a SHAM.
Replyfor a good time,for a good time calllllll.
Kevin, the entire song "Danger Zone" is all sexual double entendre. For real.
ReplyRevvin' up your engine
Listen to her howlin' roar
Metal under tension
Beggin' you to touch and go
Highway to the Danger Zone
Ride into the Danger Zone
Headin' into twilight
Spreadin' out her wings tonight
She got you jumpin' off the track
And shovin' into overdrive
Highway to the Danger Zone
I'll take you
Right into the Danger Zone
You'll never say hello to you
Until you get it on the red line overload
You'll never know what you can do
Until you get it up as high as you can go
Out along the edges
Always where I burn to be
The further on the edge
The hotter the intensity
Highway to the Danger Zone
Gonna take you
Right into the Danger Zone
Highway to the Danger Zone
It would be nice if the video selections you provide are still available. I realize you guys have no control over this, but still, it's disappointing to click on the video and be told that it's no longer available. That being said however, cool list. I really liked it.
ReplyI loved all the different terms for jerkin the gerkin. Very funny!
ReplyThe writer of this article doesn't know the difference between "its" and "it's", and that's a disgrace already, but at least check twice what you write, what the hell is that "050707/Prince_Darling_Nikki.mp3" in the prince part? Oh well more power to the sloppy writer i guess.
ReplyBlister in the Sun is about a guy getting a handjob while he fingers the girl. She does really like big hands. "My girlfriend, she's at the end, she is starting to cry." Also they are stoned as they do it.
Replydude, no 'summertime' by sublime, seriously
Replyyou mean summertime by george gershwin? from 1935? no? oh, you must mean doin time by sublime.
yeah, this says the 15 best, not the 15 most mediocre and overrated.
wanna do some beer bongs later?
I used to be friends with Prince's Nikki. They had had a brief fling, and months later she got word that there would be a song on the Purple Rain album called Darling Nikki, and she told everybody about it. Then it came out and she was mortified. I haven't seen or heard from her in years.
ReplyProbably because you're lying.
Don't know if anyone's mentioned this yet but "Darling Nikki" only has the one line about masturbating, it's NOT totally about masturbation. "Tamborine" by Prince is actually about yankin' it.
Reply"Oh my God, there I go
Falling in love with the face in a magazine
All alone by myself
Me and I play my tamborine"
Nikki was a sex FIEND, not FRIEND :)
Reply