The 15 Best Songs That Are Totally About Masturbation
Prostitution may be the oldest profession, but masturbation is the oldest pastime. And while there are many memorable cinematic masturbation scenes-a quick polling of CRACKED deskies produced titles like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Porky's and American Beauty-only CRACKED intern Ryan Grim could come up with a single song on the topic, and he was masturbating when we asked him. In other words, the Internet could use a definitive list of songs that are totally about masturbating.
15
"My Ding-A-Ling"
Chuck Berry
When I was little boy in grammar school,Always went by the very best rule,
But every time the bell would ring,
You'd catch me playing with my ding-a-ling.
So many important questions are raised here. Does Berry have some sort of Pavlovian reaction whereby every time he hears a bell, he whips it out and starts going to town? If so, we're not sure that's the very best rule for grammar school, or any school for that matter. In fact, by the time senior year of high school rolled around, with it's 14 bells a day and underage freshman girls, we're guessing things got downright litigious.
On second thought, Mr. Berry did grow up in the '30s, and you know what they say about public masturbation and the Great Depression...
14
"Darling Nikki"
Prince
Knew a girl named Nikki,I guess you could say she was a sex friend.
I met her in a hotel lobby,
Masturbating with a magazine.
050707/Prince_Darling_Nikki.mp3
We have a feeling most of Prince's stories start out with, "So I was hanging out in the hotel lobby, when suddenly I saw a girl masturbating with a magazine." But was she actually rubbing a rolled-up Playgirl against her yodel patch, or was she merely looking at the naked dudes while fiddling herself? Prince should really clarify these things in the liner notes, because if ever there was a lyric that could cause confused young people to hurt themselves, this is it.
13
"Icicle"
Tori Amos
And when my hand touches myself,I can finally rest my head.
And when they take from his body,
I think I'll take from mine instead,
Getting off, getting off while they're all downstairs.
Icicle" is our first entry from a woman and-surprise, surprise-it's Tori Amos. For some reason, she's always come off like a chronic masturbator. Maybe it's her boring, introspective music videos. Maybe it's the fact that she appears to be masturbating in at least a quarter of the images that accompany this YouTube audio clip. Or maybe it's the time she sent us that unsolicited humor submission about how she wore down the knob on her clit-hitter. Sorry, Tori, it just wasn't right for us, but feel free to contact us with any questions. And in case you're wondering how a Tori Amos song made it onto a "Best of.." anything list, the simple answer is that we were lesbians in college.
Billy Idol probably still has no problem getting laid. By me!! Um, too much?
ReplyThe Buzzcocks either thinking there much cleverer or stupider than they think they are.
Reply*either are.
Sorry, to everyone who just spent five minutes trying to descramble my unparsable syntax there.
... No note about the whole "there" thing?
No mention of One more minute by Weird Al? One of my favs,
ReplyYouve left me all alone at the gas station of love
And I have to use the self service pump
the whole meatmen discography is about masturbation, making fun of gays and lesbians, cripple children, black people, new wave, metal, true sons of liberty (TSOL).......... which is why no body listens to them, i guess
ReplyTweet's Oops (oh my) comes to mind:
ReplyI tried and I tried to avoid
but this thing was happening
Swollow my pride
Let it ride and party
But this body felt just like mines
I got worried
I looked over to the left
A reflection of myself
That's why I couldn't catch my breath (...)
(I looked over to the left)
Umm I was looking so good I couldn't reject myself
(I looked over to the left)
Umm I was feeling so good I had to touch myself
"Hands" by Jewel is about wacking it.
ReplyHands by Jewel is about wacking it.
ReplyDanger zone....
ReplyI hate to be the one that says it but what about "Touch Of My Hand" by Britney Spears?
ReplyClearly forgetting the classic - "Rattlesnake shake" originally by the Fleetwood Mac,later redone by Aerosmith and many others..
ReplyYou totally forgot "Thinking of You" by A Perfect Circle. I am disappoint, Cracked.
ReplyHow the Eff do you leave out Jackson Browne's "Rosie?"
ReplyI like Tori Amos. A lot. There I said it.
ReplyIt's ok, there's programs for that.
Number Four is wrong, therer's another article about what it's ACTUALLY about.
ReplyMan I loved Dubstar. When I clicked on the video it said the video had been removed. That really sucked. :(
ReplyI thought this might have been the day (of all days) the day I'd see them again.
The fact that "Longview" by Green Day isn't on here is a shame. Love them or hate them, the song is explicitly about Masturbation.
Reply"Imaginary Lover" By Atlanta Rhythym Section
ReplyFun article. But, really: are you SURE all of these are about masturbation? I mean, sure, She Bop and I Touch Myself are explicitly about it, but with many of the rest (Pump It Up?), it sounded as if the author was taking a flight of fancy (and if I put "taking a flight of fancy" into a song, he'd think that was about masturbation too).
ReplyIt reminds me of when I was in high school, and Prince's "Little Red Corvette" came out. "Dude! Prince is TOTALLY gay!," said my best friend. "'Little Red Corvette'?" He said, rolling his eyes. Good thing the Red Hot Chili Peppers hadn't yet written "Take it On the Other Side."
"My Ding A Ling" is the greatest song ever written. And Thomas Dolby is a creepy, creepy man.
ReplyUmmmm... One Time For Me by The Reverend Horton Heat???? Only the raunchiest and awesomest song about self gratification EVARRR!!!
Reply