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The 15 Best Songs That Are Totally About Masturbation
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Prostitution may be the oldest profession, but masturbation is the oldest pastime. And while there are many memorable cinematic masturbation scenes-a quick polling of CRACKED deskies produced titles like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Porky's and American Beauty-only CRACKED intern Ryan Grim could come up with a single song on the topic, and he was masturbating when we asked him. In other words, the Internet could use a definitive list of songs that are totally about masturbating. 15
"My Ding-A-Ling"
Chuck Berry
When I was little boy in grammar school,Always went by the very best rule, But every time the bell would ring, You'd catch me playing with my ding-a-ling. So many important questions are raised here. Does Berry have some sort of Pavlovian reaction whereby every time he hears a bell, he whips it out and starts going to town? If so, we're not sure that's the very best rule for grammar school, or any school for that matter. In fact, by the time senior year of high school rolled around, with it's 14 bells a day and underage freshman girls, we're guessing things got downright litigious. 14
"Darling Nikki"
I guess you could say she was a sex friend. I met her in a hotel lobby, Masturbating with a magazine. 050707/Prince_Darling_Nikki.mp3
We have a feeling most of Prince's stories start out with, "So I was hanging out in the hotel lobby, when suddenly I saw a girl masturbating with a magazine." But was she actually rubbing a rolled-up Playgirl against her yodel patch, or was she merely looking at the naked dudes while fiddling herself? Prince should really clarify these things in the liner notes, because if ever there was a lyric that could cause confused young people to hurt themselves, this is it. 
13
"Icicle"
I can finally rest my head. And when they take from his body, I think I'll take from mine instead, Getting off, getting off while they're all downstairs. Icicle" is our first entry from a woman and-surprise, surprise-it's Tori Amos. For some reason, she's always come off like a chronic masturbator. Maybe it's her boring, introspective music videos. Maybe it's the fact that she appears to be masturbating in at least a quarter of the images that accompany this YouTube audio clip. Or maybe it's the time she sent us that unsolicited humor submission about how she wore down the knob on her clit-hitter. Sorry, Tori, it just wasn't right for us, but feel free to contact us with any questions. And in case you're wondering how a Tori Amos song made it onto a "Best of.." anything list, the simple answer is that we were lesbians in college. |
38 Comments
"The Danny Tanner" WOW. If my only knew the kind of references the original audience of that show uses, she'd make herself stop watching the reruns.
"The Danny Tanner" WOW. If my only knew the kind of references the original audience of that show uses, she'd make herself stop watching the reruns.
Beat It is not even on the list...
i honestly thought of the billy idol song as literal for the longest time. and i thoguht "turning japanese" was about having a creepy infatuation with an asian girl. or maybe furries.
Check, it's number 4.
don't know why you're so indignant, but, to each his own.
what the hell?! no "turning japanese?"
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Nude by Radiohead is the best song about masturbation ever. Lyrics include:
"You paint yourself white, and fill up with noise, but there'll be something missing"
"Now that you had it, it's gone, now that you feel it, you don't"
"Ooh, you'll go to hell for what your dirty mind is thinking"
my greenday lyrics did not post so here they are
I was alone,I was all by myself
No one was looking, I was thinking of you
Oh yeah, did I mention I was all by myself
All by myself...
All by myself...
All by myself...
SO as entertaining of an article that is, i myself have actually made a CD of sexual intercourse and masterbation songs. i am absolutly shocked that the following are not posted.
1.) Flagpole Sitta by harvey danger
::::;i had visions, i was in them
i was looking into the mirror
to see a little bit clearer
rottenness and evil in me
fingertips have memories
mine can't forget the curves of your body
and when i feel a bit naughty
i run it up the flagpole and see who salutes
(but no one ever does)::::;
honestly that's the first part of the song!!
2.)All by myself by greenday
9greenday could of had anysong because everyong of their older songs have something to do with sex or masterbation and this song is fully dedicated to masterbation) ::::::;i had visions, i was in them
i was looking into the mirror
to see a little bit clearer
rottenness and evil in me
fingertips have memories
mine can't forget the curves of your body
and when i feel a bit naughty
i run it up the flagpole and see who salutes
(but no one ever does)::::;
and honestly no matter what any body says Hold on Loosely
by 38 specail can totally be a masterbation song ::::;Just hold on loosely, but don't let go
If you cling too tightly,
you're gonna lose control::::;
really? there are more too.
I was hoping for Primus' "Shake Hands With Beef" to be included. Or more blatantly, "Spaghetti Western", 'cause it just goes ahead and mentions "pulling the pud".
Hell, why not throw in Cannibal Corpse's "I Cum Blood"? I haven't read the lyrics lately, but there's gotta be some jacking off in there.
After all, something tells me not many people know of Ivor Buggun and the Winkers.
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Akabane
"Roll yer own" should be in that list!!!
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NewWaveDave
I can't believe that in the 15 greatest songs about masturbation that Green Day's "Longview" isn't in the mix. I'd go as far as to say it should be number one. I'm very disappointed...
severed
"Thinking of you" y A Perfect Circle? Come on!
lu
new order- perfect kiss?
"tonight i should've stayed at home, playing with my pleasure zone"
yeah, one line, but it should have made this list if only becos it is the weirdest fucking new order song i have ever heard. oh no, wait, i've heard 1963. nevermind
what about "She Don't Use Jelly" by the Flaming Lips? that song is screaming masturbation all over.
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feralboy12
So, Peter Gabriel's "Shock The Monkey" is about something else? Good.