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The 15 Best Songs That Are Totally About Masturbation

By CRACKED Staff, Kevin Hill May 7, 2007 196,489 views
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Prostitution may be the oldest profession, but masturbation is the oldest pastime. And while there are many memorable cinematic masturbation scenes-a quick polling of CRACKED deskies produced titles like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Porky's and American Beauty-only CRACKED intern Ryan Grim could come up with a single song on the topic, and he was masturbating when we asked him. In other words, the Internet could use a definitive list of songs that are totally about masturbating.

15
"My Ding-A-Ling"
Chuck Berry
When I was little boy in grammar school,
Always went by the very best rule,
But every time the bell would ring,
You'd catch me playing with my ding-a-ling.

So many important questions are raised here. Does Berry have some sort of Pavlovian reaction whereby every time he hears a bell, he whips it out and starts going to town? If so, we're not sure that's the very best rule for grammar school, or any school for that matter. In fact, by the time senior year of high school rolled around, with it's 14 bells a day and underage freshman girls, we're guessing things got downright litigious.
On second thought, Mr. Berry did grow up in the '30s, and you know what they say about public masturbation and the Great Depression...

14
"Darling Nikki"
Prince
Knew a girl named Nikki,
I guess you could say she was a sex friend.
I met her in a hotel lobby,
Masturbating with a magazine.
050707/Prince_Darling_Nikki.mp3

We have a feeling most of Prince's stories start out with, "So I was hanging out in the hotel lobby, when suddenly I saw a girl masturbating with a magazine." But was she actually rubbing a rolled-up Playgirl against her yodel patch, or was she merely looking at the naked dudes while fiddling herself? Prince should really clarify these things in the liner notes, because if ever there was a lyric that could cause confused young people to hurt themselves, this is it.

Prince
13
"Icicle"
Tori Amos
And when my hand touches myself,
I can finally rest my head.
And when they take from his body,
I think I'll take from mine instead,
Getting off, getting off while they're all downstairs.

Icicle" is our first entry from a woman and-surprise, surprise-it's Tori Amos. For some reason, she's always come off like a chronic masturbator. Maybe it's her boring, introspective music videos. Maybe it's the fact that she appears to be masturbating in at least a quarter of the images that accompany this YouTube audio clip. Or maybe it's the time she sent us that unsolicited humor submission about how she wore down the knob on her clit-hitter. Sorry, Tori, it just wasn't right for us, but feel free to contact us with any questions. And in case you're wondering how a Tori Amos song made it onto a "Best of.." anything list, the simple answer is that we were lesbians in college.

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51 Comments

why is rattlesnake shake by fleetwood mac NOT in this list?!

6/22/2009 6:38:46 AM
huggahooker

"thinking about you" by radiohead

Been thinking about you, and there's no rest
s**t, I still love you, still see you in bed
But I'm playing with myself, what do you care
When I'm not there

5/12/2009 1:50:53 PM
castor11

In 1966, Bob Dylan wrote a tune entitled "Absolutely Sweet Marie", it appears on the album, Blonde On Blonde, and it contains these wonderous lines:
Well your railroad gate
You know I just can't jump it
Sometimes it get so hard to see
I'm just sitting here, beatin' on my trumpet
With all these promises that you left for me
But where are you tonight Sweet Marie?

There you have, the greatest songwriter of all-time, has written about masturbation. And in 1966 no less.

3/31/2009 5:36:20 AM
WisdomPersona

Well, TehJoker, one meaning you coud take from the song if you put a bit more thought into it than you did your very original name would be that it's about how there is no reason to fear death when you have love. Or there is always the fact that the french for orgasm translates as "the little death", coupled with the romantic imagry of blowing curtains, candles and strangers appearing with soft, romantic words offering their hands, it could be about a young woman finally giving into carnal desires.
Although being a big Oyster fan I would say that it's probably about bugger all and that the band just thought it sounded cool, or it was based on a poem by their manager (the band itself was named tht way and a few of their songs are based on his poems, also one about Godzilla, go figure).

1/25/2009 12:03:04 AM
OopsWrongPage

"All I have to Do Is Dream," by the everly brothers.

12/11/2008 5:09:31 PM
rsfa131286

Pssst...trust me, what with all the the infatuation with the 80's going on, Billy Idol could so still get laid.

11/27/2008 7:44:40 PM
Maryland_Belle

This is hip hop I know, but you could have included Tweet's "Oops Oh My."

11/17/2008 8:10:17 PM
tiggerwitch1

"Orgasm Addict" was stuck in my head all day. Best day ever.

11/6/2008 6:26:48 PM
Colleen

Because as soon as someone denies something, it's not true. Blue Oyster Cult denied that (Don't Fear) The Reaper was about suicide, and you can go ahead and try to find another meaning from that.

10/26/2008 5:49:44 PM
TehJoker

What about "Going the Distance" by Cake? and "Turning Japanese"

10/21/2008 12:00:30 AM
Al_The_Killer

sorry to burst ur bubble, but i think the vapors denied that their song's about masturbation

9/24/2008 12:54:32 PM
sallysmanager

No mention of Longview by Green Day?

9/12/2008 1:19:01 PM
LibDemKS

Teenage kicks?

9/8/2008 11:21:03 AM
HappyHomer

So, Peter Gabriel's "Shock The Monkey" is about something else? Good.

8/16/2008 9:04:58 AM
feralboy12

"The Danny Tanner" WOW. If my only knew the kind of references the original audience of that show uses, she'd make herself stop watching the reruns.

7/31/2008 12:41:02 PM
beardo

"The Danny Tanner" WOW. If my only knew the kind of references the original audience of that show uses, she'd make herself stop watching the reruns.

7/31/2008 12:39:20 PM
beardo

Beat It is not even on the list...

7/24/2008 10:14:06 PM
kman1111

i honestly thought of the billy idol song as literal for the longest time. and i thoguht "turning japanese" was about having a creepy infatuation with an asian girl. or maybe furries.

7/2/2008 3:11:14 PM
Kakeru

Check, it's number 4.
don't know why you're so indignant, but, to each his own.

6/29/2008 2:35:34 PM
drtylb8

what the hell?! no "turning japanese?"

6/26/2008 10:01:18 PM
checkminus

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