The 15 Best Songs That Are Totally About Masturbation
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Prostitution may be the oldest profession, but masturbation is the oldest pastime. And while there are many memorable cinematic masturbation scenes-a quick polling of CRACKED deskies produced titles like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Porky's and American Beauty-only CRACKED intern Ryan Grim could come up with a single song on the topic, and he was masturbating when we asked him. In other words, the Internet could use a definitive list of songs that are totally about masturbating. 15
"My Ding-A-Ling"
Chuck Berry
When I was little boy in grammar school,Always went by the very best rule, But every time the bell would ring, You'd catch me playing with my ding-a-ling. So many important questions are raised here. Does Berry have some sort of Pavlovian reaction whereby every time he hears a bell, he whips it out and starts going to town? If so, we're not sure that's the very best rule for grammar school, or any school for that matter. In fact, by the time senior year of high school rolled around, with it's 14 bells a day and underage freshman girls, we're guessing things got downright litigious. 14
"Darling Nikki"
I guess you could say she was a sex friend. I met her in a hotel lobby, Masturbating with a magazine. 050707/Prince_Darling_Nikki.mp3
We have a feeling most of Prince's stories start out with, "So I was hanging out in the hotel lobby, when suddenly I saw a girl masturbating with a magazine." But was she actually rubbing a rolled-up Playgirl against her yodel patch, or was she merely looking at the naked dudes while fiddling herself? Prince should really clarify these things in the liner notes, because if ever there was a lyric that could cause confused young people to hurt themselves, this is it. 
13
"Icicle"
I can finally rest my head. And when they take from his body, I think I'll take from mine instead, Getting off, getting off while they're all downstairs. Icicle" is our first entry from a woman and-surprise, surprise-it's Tori Amos. For some reason, she's always come off like a chronic masturbator. Maybe it's her boring, introspective music videos. Maybe it's the fact that she appears to be masturbating in at least a quarter of the images that accompany this YouTube audio clip. Or maybe it's the time she sent us that unsolicited humor submission about how she wore down the knob on her clit-hitter. Sorry, Tori, it just wasn't right for us, but feel free to contact us with any questions. And in case you're wondering how a Tori Amos song made it onto a "Best of.." anything list, the simple answer is that we were lesbians in college. |
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Where the hell is "Longview" by Green Day? That should be #1 on the list!
Here are some more awesome songs about masturbation from DateDaily.com http://datedaily.com/entertainment/music/12-songs-about-masturbation/
How could you not mention "Get a grip" by Semisonic
Lyrics:
Get a grip on yourself, you know you should
I got a grip on myself and it feels good
Get a grip on yourself, take my advice
I got a grip on myself and it feels nice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrdZNNG4S8g
Sarah Blackwood is awesome!!
Isn't every song ever made about masturbation? In Some Way? http://makefunofmyfriends.com
She Wolf by Shakira:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xt1jhoP4Btg
-She is in an unadorned nude suit in a cage in poses that emphasize the vag.
-She's in a glittery vag tunnel at one point
-"Let her out to breath" "She's in the closet", etc.
-At the end, the guy next to her - he's useless. He leaves Shakira having to finish herself off.
Where's Rattlesnake Shake by Fleetwood Mac? Best song about masturbation ever.
Then there's "Good For Your Soul" by Oingo Boingo:
Just once or twice is good for your soul
If you don't stop, you'll lose control
Just once or twice is good for your soul
Ever lay there half asleep all hours of the night
With some nagging demon tugging at that tiny bell
Inside your mind
When suddenly that strange idea
Bursts into an inspiration
You grab for it and then
The whole thing slips right through your fingers
And "Pink thing" by XTC:
Anytime you rise, I'm here,
And I'm crazy for you pink thing.
You make me want to laugh,
You make me want to cry,
When I stroke your head I feel a hundred heartbeats high,
Pink thing.
Wait, no Jason Mraz "Waiting for my Rocket to Come"?
I'm just a curbside prophet
With my hand in my pocket
And I'm waiting for my rocket to come
I mean, that's not even subtle.
why is rattlesnake shake by fleetwood mac NOT in this list?!
"thinking about you" by radiohead
Been thinking about you, and there's no rest
s**t, I still love you, still see you in bed
But I'm playing with myself, what do you care
When I'm not there
In 1966, Bob Dylan wrote a tune entitled "Absolutely Sweet Marie", it appears on the album, Blonde On Blonde, and it contains these wonderous lines:
Well your railroad gate
You know I just can't jump it
Sometimes it get so hard to see
I'm just sitting here, beatin' on my trumpet
With all these promises that you left for me
But where are you tonight Sweet Marie?
There you have, the greatest songwriter of all-time, has written about masturbation. And in 1966 no less.
Well, TehJoker, one meaning you coud take from the song if you put a bit more thought into it than you did your very original name would be that it's about how there is no reason to fear death when you have love. Or there is always the fact that the french for orgasm translates as "the little death", coupled with the romantic imagry of blowing curtains, candles and strangers appearing with soft, romantic words offering their hands, it could be about a young woman finally giving into carnal desires.
Although being a big Oyster fan I would say that it's probably about bugger all and that the band just thought it sounded cool, or it was based on a poem by their manager (the band itself was named tht way and a few of their songs are based on his poems, also one about Godzilla, go figure).
"All I have to Do Is Dream," by the everly brothers.
Pssst...trust me, what with all the the infatuation with the 80's going on, Billy Idol could so still get laid.
This is hip hop I know, but you could have included Tweet's "Oops Oh My."
"Orgasm Addict" was stuck in my head all day. Best day ever.
Because as soon as someone denies something, it's not true. Blue Oyster Cult denied that (Don't Fear) The Reaper was about suicide, and you can go ahead and try to find another meaning from that.
What about "Going the Distance" by Cake? and "Turning Japanese"
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HAha, great article, here's a great newish song on the subject by Eagles of Death Metal....
http://www.metrolyrics.com/solo-flights-lyrics-eagles-of-death-metal.html